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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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D2P <3 pm me! I know I owe you one, but let me know what is going on please.. am thinking of you lovely <3 <3 <3
 
I'm such a miserable fucking cunt. FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Fuck everything. I'm tired of being miserable, and I'm miserable cause I'm miserable. What the FUUUUCK! Fuck it.
 
I'd like to vent about the bitch that might be splitting up my household.

My housemate (the only one on the lease) recently got back together with his horrible, horrible bitch of an ex. Now, on paper, I get along with her - but I was warned by a couple people that it was a false front. I said whatever. She lived here until they broke up, when I moved in to help with the rent. I found out from my other housemate that she's scheming to move back in. Of course, when she wants a favor, guess who she asks when her henpecked boyfriend can't do it? ME. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. When I can't (or won't) she bitches to him about how I have not cleaned the floor (it isn't dirty) or whatever.

I found out also that she insisted on collecting the rent in cash when she lived here despite that she didn't pay any herself for a few months. My housemate is by no means poor but there is a lot he could do with his money aside from supporting her sorry ass. He stays over at her new place (which I would NOT be shocked if he was helping subsidize) most days per week. When she isn't around him, she cannot influence him too much, so I'm going to have a nice little heart-to-heart with him together with my other housemate next week. When they broke up, she moved in with a woman - rather drastic move after someone moves cross-country to be with a guy she met on the Internet.

I hope she gets back together with said girlfriend so we can have our happy house back. She's already driven a couple others out. I wouldn't put anything past her and I do not want to move AGAIN.
 
After a week of not hearing from her since i mailed my package, I decided to call her work at the end of the shift just to get her to call me for 5 minutes after work. Well I found out all I needed to know.

I'm crying my eyes out, but at least I know I will never ever bother wasting my time on her again. No friend would have done what she did. I don't care if she didn't want to talk to me for a while, and I would have not bothered trying to contact her if she just told me in a text, give me some time alone, I'll contact you when I'm ready. But no, she chose to ignore me, make me worry, make me try and salvage a relationship that i thought was falling apart. In reality she was just being a horrible person who has no respect for someone that is supposed to be a friend. She wanted me to not talk try to contact her for a week a straight, then she was going to call. I'm sorry but that isn't what a friend does. A friend doesn't play fucking games

She got my package also, and unfortunately the mirror with chemical etching on it that I made my self (it was an opium poppy plant I photo shopped to look bad ass, with Papaver somniferum etched underneath it) broke. She also said she plans on sending everything back (not the mirror since its heavy and broken). There was my live strong wrist band that I've worn for 6 years in it that she would have love to have back when we were together, a Diary by chuck palahniuk because i thought she would have enjoyed it based on her personality, a black and white photo of me rock climbing, and a real sweet note. If she truly was my friend she would have accepted it and appreciated it.

I have no respect for her anymore. She is not my friend, and never will be. I will never contact her again. I already deleted all her information.

Since shes a BPD individual she will continue to lose friends over and over, but the difference with me is that I didn't care that she was BPD. I cared about her even if she would go crazy. However, doing this to someone who doesn't run away from you because of how you act, is the stupidest thing you could do. She has like 1 good friend now, and if anyone actually gets close to her, they will see how crazy she is.

I don't give a fuck what happens to her in her life anymore, and I'm more than happy to have her out of it. I know in the long run I'll be happy and she'll be the one who is still stuck in the same place with no friends an nothing to make her happy.

Fuck you E. You can not do this to people you consider a friend. You can not do this to someone who has been there for you through so much of your hard times. I was here for you when you got fucked over from certain individuals back in September relating to something I will not mention here. I barely fucking knew you and I stood up for you. I decided to base an action that effected me, on what happened to you like only a few others did. I was here for you when you went to the mental hospital because you couldn't handle loosing something important to you. I was here for you everytime you need to yell and scream, everytime you were abuse physically or verbally, I was here for you on your mothers death/birthday, I didn't have a normal christmas because of you, fuck I did so much for you all the fucking time, and this is how you treat me. How can you expect to call me a fucking friend. I got a damn job finally and already started to save up money for our trip we planned, but no, not anymore. You can't do the shit you did to someone you call a friend. It wasn't like we were fucking dating and you need a week with out talking to me, we were just fucking friends at this point . I've never heard of a fucking friend ignoring their friend, blocking them from everything, with a stupid little game you made up. See if I can havea full week where I don't txt, call, email, facebook, whatever before you contact me. Any fucking friend who needs space says to their friends, hey I need s ome time alone, I wont be using my phone for a week or so;. i'll contact you when I'm ready.

I can't fucking believe you. This will be the last fucking time I cry because of you. I honestly hope you dont have a good life. I thought you deserved it, but if you can't treat people who love and care about you with any respect, you don't deserve anything but disrespect. Thats probably all you will get if you keep acting like this.
 
Man splat Im sorry to hear you are going through that i kinda had a similar thing happen to me last year. all i can say is it really sounds like you are better of without "friends" like that.

You know where i am if you want to drop me a pm to vent or whatever. you are a nice person from what i have found from brief conversations and you don't deserve that. hugs <3
 
I'd like to say how fucking lonely I am.

Every week since I got back into school has felt like a roller coaster, where the beginning of the week starts out like shit, and by Friday (when I have class with some of my friends), I feel untouchable, like some kind of god...but then the weekend hits and that feeling quickly slips from my grip, and by Monday I'm in the pits.

I've been incredibly isolated lately, in fact, my main source of communication is through bluelight. I'm not complaining about that by the way, I'm actually pretty grateful that this site is here because of that. But I get really lonely, and I start to feel as though I'm losing my grip on my owne identity. I've been off of heroin, Xanax, and stimulants for over four months now (after I spent a month in a hospital for a horrible blood infection), and I'm sort of stuck in an outpatient group which is sometimes helpful, but I kind of want to get out of it. I do not want to go back to a destructive way of using drugs, but I do not want to be completely abstinent either, and sometimes it really bothers me that treatment centers almost always have a real "all or nothing" attitude.

Being clean off of hard drugs is wonderful, but when you start using at a young age like I did, the whole thing becomes engrained into your persona, and without it, I can feel unbearably empty. The time of day that I look forward to the most now, is when I get to ride on the train, and sketch the passengers. When I'm carefully observing people, it sort of takes me out of my own head. It actually feels like a beautiful type of possession that comes over me... But it obviously doesn't fix everything. I just miss my teenage years when I had a real tight group of friends. Things were still fucked up back then, but I could always count on my group for when things at home were not going so well. Now it's every man for himself.
 
Agh this shit gets so unbearable. I feel like everywhere I go around me right now is surrounded by bittersweet memories, but the bitter has mostly overtaken. I'm trying so hard to just keep busy and not think about it. Trying to work hard, save money, get my shit together and get out of here for a few months. But for so long that's seemed like such an empty hope because no matter my location, I'm still me. I'm still going to wake up and feel like crap every other day no matter how many awesome things I find to do...So that's making it insanely difficult to keep working so hard all the time for a move that I don't foresee changing that much. Because after 3 months I'm still coming back here. I just want to keep spending any money I make on getting fucked up, because even though it doesn't fix anything either, at least it makes it temporarily bearable. And for my friends who see it and want to tell me it's not the answer...yeah, I fucking get it. I know it's not fixing anything, but the only reason I'm still trying so goddamned hard is so I don't let other people down. I gave up a long time ago. I just don't want to keep this up anymore.
 
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One of my best friends is dragging me down with her and I'm dragging her down with me. Whenever we both get together we do stupid shit and its getting pretty bad. We seem to feed off one another and oh man is she a huge trigger for me but I can't stop talking to her. I know sometimes I should but she's been my friend since 8th grade... We didn't use drugs or drink and were track buddies but now we're out of high school and all we do is drink and do drugs. It went from having sleepovers, crying over running hills in track lmao, running from pedos (lol this really happened) and going to concerts together like normal kids but now it has change entirely. I don't know what happened... Now we drown ourselves in alcohol every chance we get, hang around douchebags, get ourselves into so much trouble, cop heroin together, do lines off my dresser and so much other shit.... It makes me wonder what happened? Our relationship is pretty unhealthy right now and we both know it but don't try to change it.
 
KiwiQflyer said:
Agh this shit gets so unbearable. I feel like everywhere I go around me right now is surrounded by bittersweet memories, but the bitter has mostly overtaken. I'm trying so hard to just keep busy and not think about it. Trying to work hard, save money, get my shit together and get out of here for a few months. But for so long that's seemed like such an empty hope because no matter my location, I'm still me. I'm still going to wake up and feel like crap every other day no matter how many awesome things I find to do...So that's making it insanely difficult to keep working so hard all the time for a move that I don't foresee changing that much. Because after 3 months I'm still coming back here. I just want to keep spending any money I make on getting fucked up, because even though it doesn't fix anything either, at least it makes it temporarily bearable. And for my friends who see it and want to tell me it's not the answer...yeah, I fucking get it. I know it's not fixing anything, but the only reason I'm still trying so goddamned hard is so I don't let other people down. I gave up a long time ago. I just don't want to keep this up anymore.
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Perhaps you're doing the wrong activities and mindset.
A lot of my friends gave me the whol "this is not the answer" shit when I was on heroin. Where were they when I was 5?
 
Fuck, night came and went and this shit stays the same. I sat in my room watching my window grow lighter and kinda hoped we'd have gorgeous weather so I'd have to force myself to pretend and be around people and work....but instead it just stayed grey and windy. I feel like I just don't have a fucking escape from myself. When I say activities, I mean, like activities that should take full focus. I'd have to stop 20 mile solo bike rides because I was sobbing too hard. And I've never admitted that because the image alone is just pathetic.
 
KiwiQflyer said:
Fuck, night came and went and this shit stays the same. I sat in my room watching my window grow lighter and kinda hoped we'd have gorgeous weather so I'd have to force myself to pretend and be around people and work....but instead it just stayed grey and windy. I feel like I just don't have a fucking escape from myself. When I say activities, I mean, like activities that should take full focus. I'd have to stop 20 mile solo bike rides because I was sobbing too hard. And I've never admitted that because the image alone is just pathetic.
Click to expand...

<3

I know the feeling. Try reading books? That helped me so much when I was at my lowest a few months ago. I find that physical activity sometimes makes me dwell on what's bothering me because then my mind has free range to think about whatever it wants to. Where as movies, books, ect, make me forget.
You are not pathetic, the fact that you're going through this and trying to get over it proves that you're strong :)
 
i feel extremely triggered to use at the moment...2nd day out of treatment and its hard as hell!!!

i keep telling myself, "you can do it!" just sooo fakin hard!!!

one day at a time, one day at a time...
 
@kiwi: I don't know that I'd call that particular image pathetic. Exercise, especially the sort that actually moves you through space (damn but I hate riding my bike on a trainer), can be very cathartic. While I haven't had to stop a ride because I was sobbing, I've been on rides where I wish that I could just cry, to get the emotional block out of me. Like how, when you have a stomach bug, you wish to vomit so that you can feel better for just a few minutes.

I wish that there was something that I could say that would make a difference. Everything that you've put on BL points to you being an amazing person, in so many ways, but the crushing pain inside you seems to keep you from enjoying your own brilliance. You practise asana, but do you have a sitting meditation practise as well? I'm totally grasping at straws, but I know that for myself at least, when I learned to begin to break the indentification with my thoughts and emotions, I found that they started to affect me less. It's a long, difficult practise, with a lot of backsliding, but the overall result has been good so far. Emotions and thoughts, negative ones in particular, feed off themseves; but they can be starved.

In the end though, all I can really offer is the knowledge that there are people all over the world who think that you're amazing, and those few of us to whom you've shown your pain all wish for you to be somehow rid of it someday.
 
Ok so I am in legal trouble and I might be put on probation. I don't know if I would be better off serving the time because I only work part time and don't make much money. I cant afford probation fees and I just want to get the shit over with... Either way this is going to suck...
 
Some people are a waste of a body.. Completely unworthy of life. I get entertainment from them but they become bothersome, some are repulsive to look at and be in the presence of.
 
It's both of us, sure, it's a problem because I perceive it as one, if I didn't then it wouldn't be a problem, but that's not my constant image of people, my thoughts and opinions are subject to change as time goes by, nothing is permanent.. In fifteen minutes I may not feel the same, but I won't regret saying that because I meant it at the time.
 
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