Three months of chaos and stress are about to close, and right now I lay in my bed, shattered, empty, pointless. In November I returned from 90 days inpatient rehab and the first few weeks everything was going great. Started a new parttime job, check. Returned to uni, check. Even my relationship seemed to work out after years of hardship. Thought everything was ok and didn't notice I slowly slipped back into depression. Bam! I relapsed in the night of December 17th, beer, coke, smack, weed, everything, pure madness. Only one night, I was able to stop, but I had to tell my gf, and she was horrified. She couldn't take this anymore, and I couldn't garantee that I wouldn't slip again, so we decided to break up. There are many more reasons for this decision, but that was the catalyst. We spent one last week together, which was ironically the best time we had in years, then we parted. Christmas holidays went by, I felt like a distant viewer to everything, didn't eat, either didn't sleep at all or slept all day. On new year's eve I got really really drunk because I couldn't take the pain anymore, with all the happy couples and children around and me alone, after 6 years. We were supposed to have this. And now it's gone. 3 days before the first exam I started to learn for this semesters finals, 8 tests overall, I crammed like a lunatic and passed all of them, even worked a considerable amount of time alongside. Then the move from our flat to my new room, started another contract employment. Now everything winds down, and I just feel empty and drifting. This was the mood that made me binge hard on everything I could get my hands on in the past. I try to sit it out, but it feels so bad. I need to recover, someone to hang out with when I'm down and someone to encourage me and remind me of my goals...
