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Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

God,
Why must I suffer? I know you gotta hear my prayers, why cant you help me?? I hold you close to my heart always have.
My heart is hardening each day I gotta go through life. You see how I am treated, and all I know to do is love, please. bring me closer to you God or please stay the fuck out of my life. i am at my breaking point: you should know this if you were to listen to my prayers years ago. That first cut on my arm, that needle sliping under my skin should have been the taletale sign of me suffering. I am not a sick fuck and enjoy bodily harm and IV drugs. Please. No . More. Fucking. Suffering.

Thanks for nothing.
 
Just wish that Satan's minions inside my brain would stop tapping and telling me that whatever I'm doing would be better if I was on the shit. I tell them the fuck off and they come back.

I had my dance with the devil. He robbed me of what could have been many quality years of my life. Now it's my turn. This time I win. Climbin back out of hell one day at a time. Day 15. Kicking this shit for good. And it hurts. God, forgive me. Let me make it.

please.
 
D's said:
God,
Why must I suffer? I know you gotta hear my prayers, why cant you help me?? I hold you close to my heart always have.
My heart is hardening each day I gotta go through life. You see how I am treated, and all I know to do is love, please. bring me closer to you God or please stay the fuck out of my life. i am at my breaking point: you should know this if you were to listen to my prayers years ago. That first cut on my arm, that needle sliping under my skin should have been the taletale sign of me suffering. I am not a sick fuck and enjoy bodily harm and IV drugs. Please. No . More. Fucking. Suffering.

Thanks for nothing.
Click to expand...

D's I'm sorry you feel so alone in this. It's just being human, man. We are all conditioned for self harming in some way until we just get so sick of it we stop, or we die. You've seen a lot of people die here on Bluelight. Don't let the pain kill you. Be your best friend. Be your god. You have always been strong and pulled yourself up and this is a low right now but you know what to do. PM me if you want to just talk.<3
 
Indeed, this is a harsh phase and I believe most of us go through tough periods in life.
People lose family, jobs, money, ppl become hardly addicted and hope is all gone.
It will pass and you´ll come out of it stronger. Don't put yourself down as others might do the same and that makes us very sad and angry to the point we believe nothing will heal.

I´m sorry you are going through this and I hope you feel better soon. Don´t give up on yourself. You are bigger than this.
Keep on praying. They might not reach God so instantly but they surely do send positive energy and it´s how we talk to ourselves. Don´t lose hope.
My best wishes.
 
well as of Wednesday i really will have no where to live council wont pay for my room any more and every damn time i try to get any where with the estate agents i get fobbed off fucking woman at the council has wrote a fucking letter basically say that because i am a drug addict i can get fucked and live rough as its not against the law so looks like even though ive been clean of the stuff for 2 and bit months i will soon be back using mpa and the likes for the simple fact ill have nowhere to get food or sleep as there are no hostels or soup kitchens
 
I´m very sorry to hear that Foolsgold. I know life is being tough on you but I'm hoping you'd try to keep clean. You've made it for 2 months. And all I can say right now is that being sober will give you the tools to deal with the situation in a better way.
Wish you well.
 
thank you but its really the only option ill have on Thursday ill have no where to go no where to get food or sod all so my best bet is getting 3 g and heading off into the countryside finding a field and just seeing where to go from there

at one point yesterday i really did feel like hang myself again worst part is these feeling of lose despair just get fobbed of as me lying to the doctors to get free drugs and the likes i am sick of been fucked over by everything and everyone but its a few days till Thursday morning and you never know i may get lucky and find somewhere
 
Don´t! This is the addiction speaking as I've learnt. Keep your hopes up. If you're getting clean things will start to change.
It takes time but it really happens. You just have to be patient and give it some time.
I'm really hoping you get better man! You deserve a break.
My best wishes!
E.-
 
I know my friend but it really seems like you are doing better.
I read your blog today. Like I said it looks like you are making progress.
Best wishes! :)
Erik
 
I wanna fucking die.

I've been hearing voices my entire life. I turned 30 and now they're off the fucking wall. I have one that repeats everything I say/think/read. It has ruined food, people, nature and life in general. I'd kill myself but I have a semester of college upcoming but it doesn't look good for me. I always knew that the voices would make me kill myself and that I didn't want to live in this world.

I've tried to cope long enough. I don't want to live in a world where thoughts are beamed into my head, I'm told they're my thoughts and then voices chastise me for having those thoughts. It's awful. It's going to make me kill myself eventually and fuck living in a world like this. FFS the voices even ruined masturbation. Literally every aspect of my life. It's the same thing every time, I get off bupe, sober up (mostly sober) then I start hearing voices...so I start using again (opiates/benzos seem to be the magic bullet), I get off bupe/run out of benzos and the circus begins again. It's fucking pointless. I think I'm gonna try to get and stay on bupe for the rest of my life.

I remember as a little kid hitting myself in the head cuz I would hear voices. It's never changed except when I'm on drugs, or doing other "bad" things, so I purposely do bad shit to get quiet time. Fuck ya know. "You are being a loud thinker" the voices tell me, then the whole community shuns you, you lose your job and end up homeless again. Well I'm out then. Fuck life. Drugs are old, hearing voices is way way way too old. I have no desire to perpetuate this system. I don't want to be a parent. I don't want to get married. I don't want to be brainwashed.

The voices say "get sober and it will get better" then I sober up and the voices go into overdrive. I end up going out and using cuz fuck that shit. I'm 30 years old, they've been doing this since I was a teen. The voices won't relent until I'm a perfect little cog in the system. Fuck the system. Fuck hearing voices. Fuck dreaming. Fuck it all.

edit: I'm not gonna kill myself yet. Just needed to vent. It feels nice to know that there is some way out of this mess. I <3 you bluelight
-Dankstersauce
 
Maybe you should look for a doctor that can help you. Some people need to use medication to avoid going through things that may not be what you really want.
You are very young and have so much yet to live for. There are no guarantees death will be better.
It's good that you like it here. Stay around! :)
Erik
 
I hope I remember this feeling. I'm getting so sick and tired of this fucking lifestyle. I want to change my life for the better.

I'm also mainly venting right now because I can't stand my "friends" that are still in town. There's very few and they're just drug users and moochers. The one I'm closest to is constantly bitching about hooking other people up all the time, but every time I deal with him I end up with the short end of the stick. Plus the details of his stories are constantly changing and it's hard to actually get the truth out of him. You'll get his version of the truth, but even if you question him about it the details will start changing. He'll leave important information out or change details around, not realizing that he had already told whatever story he's telling me with a different set of numbers and different details.

I'm tired of other peoples bullshit. I'm tired of my bullshit. It's like being in a strange prison. I'm not locked up but I'm not free at all.
 
Pissed off my doctor who prescribes my endone has gone away for 2wks and left me strung out on what little I have to get me through until detox admission on Monday.
 
I'm scared that I'm gonna be on benzos for the rest of my life :/

I've been on them for 4 years, and even though I've been able to taper and quit for extended periods of time (3 months) they still have me by the balls. My 3 months free from benzos felt like I was stuck in a constant, permanent withdrawal. Very little in the way of alleviation of symptoms - even after 3 months. I read that benzos take 6-12 months to recover from per every year that you've been on them. 4 years of feeling permanent withdrawal? Um, no thank you, I guess I'll just be a benzo addict forever. Thus destroying the part of my brain that makes memories, and also dampening my entire emotional range. Then to have that emotional range re-manifested in terrifying and awful ways, if I choose to not take them.

After going through a lengthy period of trial and error, I now try to only take benzos at the same dose, at the exact same time each evening. Half of a dose at 8pm (.125mg Clonazolam, equivalent to 5mg Diazepam) and another half a dose at 10pm. I wake up feeling calm, but my memory in the morning can be kind of hazy. This isn't good: I'm gonna have to remember stuff for school so that I don't fuck up bad. This isn't a very high dose, but I can't seem to get below it.

I also take 900mg Gabapentin and 100-200mg R-Modafinil every day...so I'm sure that's a complicating factor. I also smoke weed, vape nicotine, and drink 1-2 cups of coffee a day. I'm a fairly functional polysubstance addict, but I fear that one day it will come crashing down on me. My least favorite part of all this is the memory loss caused by the benzos - and the complete and total physical and mental mindfuck if you try to quit, or even lower your dosage. Why I started messing with these pills is beyond me. :/

Sometimes I feel like the medications are really helping me. Other times, I feel like I'm overly medicated. I'd really like to get off benzos at some point, or at least titrate down to a lower dose. Fuckin benzos eh I tell ya h'wat.
 
I B Profane said:
I'm scared that I'm gonna be on benzos for the rest of my life :/

I've been on them for 4 years, and even though I've been able to taper and quit for extended periods of time (3 months) they still have me by the balls. My 3 months free from benzos felt like I was stuck in a constant, permanent withdrawal. Very little in the way of alleviation of symptoms - even after 3 months. I read that benzos take 6-12 months to recover from per every year that you've been on them. 4 years of feeling permanent withdrawal? Um, no thank you, I guess I'll just be a benzo addict forever. Thus destroying the part of my brain that makes memories, and also dampening my entire emotional range. Then to have that emotional range re-manifested in terrifying and awful ways, if I choose to not take them.

After going through a lengthy period of trial and error, I now try to only take benzos at the same dose, at the exact same time each evening. Half of a dose at 8pm (.125mg Clonazolam, equivalent to 5mg Diazepam) and another half a dose at 10pm. I wake up feeling calm, but my memory in the morning can be kind of hazy. This isn't good: I'm gonna have to remember stuff for school so that I don't fuck up bad. This isn't a very high dose, but I can't seem to get below it.

I also take 900mg Gabapentin and 100-200mg R-Modafinil every day...so I'm sure that's a complicating factor. I also smoke weed, vape nicotine, and drink 1-2 cups of coffee a day. I'm a fairly functional polysubstance addict, but I fear that one day it will come crashing down on me. My least favorite part of all this is the memory loss caused by the benzos - and the complete and total physical and mental mindfuck if you try to quit, or even lower your dosage. Why I started messing with these pills is beyond me. :/

Sometimes I feel like the medications are really helping me. Other times, I feel like I'm overly medicated. I'd really like to get off benzos at some point, or at least titrate down to a lower dose. Fuckin benzos eh I tell ya h'wat.
Click to expand...

So do you mostly take them for sleep?
 
My ex's mom (I don't like calling him an ex...cause he never would have ever been) just commented on my sister's engagement post on facebook. It made me want to cry... I still miss her son dearly because he was my everything. He died in 2011 a couple months before my graduation and two days before prom. When I found out he passed that really broke me mentally. I still am not over it. I am doing a lot better, but maybe because I tend to not think about it.
 
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