Hey Shawn
Please reconsider as you are making a mistake.
The answers are out there, you just have not looked in the right place yet. If you keep searching you will find them.
If you have given the twelve step approach an honest and full go and its not working, then take everything from it that does and look for the remaining answers in other places.
Your an amazing and good person, you just don't see or believe that. You will be able to see that. Forgive yourself. Your being way way way to hard on yourself. We are human beings. The very best thing in the world humans are good at... is fucking up. We all do it all day every day.. all of us. Give yourself a break already.. you deserve it. Quit holding your self up to the standerds of a GOD
Your a human fuck up like everyother of the 7.125 billion people on this ball. Every single one of is a total fuck up. It all good, we are suposed to fuck up. Thats how we learn. Thats what life is. A never ending lession dancing with a never ending stream of exspieinces.
Your an amazing person who is facing a very difficult chalange. This is a chalage you can win. Life is always changing.. Just because you are in a really tough spot now and may have been for a long time, this does not mean this is going to be the way it always is.. though it can feal that way.
I went through the mother load of struggle, misfortune, bad luck, and repercussions of my fuck ups. It really lasted for around six years. It was like an avalanche.. severe health problems, titanic size addictions, significant legal issues, relationship crumbled, lost everything financially, lost a business, acquired fort knox medical debt, custody battle, OD where I was on a respirator for four days... etc, etc, etc.
I got as close as a person could come to taking my own life. Then when I got to the moment of truth I realized that I did not have to kill myself to be free.. I had reached a point where is was already free. The old "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."
You're there Shawn. When we decide we are at a place where killing ourselves is the best option we have nothing more to lose. You're now free to do whatever you want.
The option to commit suicide is always there. We can do it anytime we decide. This really does not hit home until a person actually decides do it. Then we actually realize we can do this anytime we want.
If we can do this anytime we want, why not put it off for awhile. Why not keep it in reserve and go a couple more rounds with life. Why not use your new found freedom to go and do something you always wanted to do but never got around to it. Why not try some approaches you haven't looked into to try and heal from your wounds.
What i chose to do with my freedom was research and figure out what and how to treat the condition I had. A condition that left dozens of skilled doctors baffled after like 300,000 dollars worth of dead ends. Who would have thunk it, I figured it out and treated myself successfully in under six months.
Then I decided to figure out what the fuck addiction actually was and how to treat me individually. Who would have thunk it, I did it and after struggling with substance abuse and addiction for decades I just rolled over 2.5 years addiction free. I'm not only comfortable in my own skin, but loads more comfortable that most "normies" ever will be.
In loosing all the material shit and wealth, I ended up realizing how worthless it really is.
WIth about two years worth of work I have every aspect of the enormous totally fucked seemingly black holed doomed life totally straightened up.
In a short time I start my dream job, making more than I will ever need as i'm a very simple dude these days and it pays pretty damn good.
I will be living in the area of the country that I love. I have maintained a great relationship with my son and have rebuilt a great relationship with my family.
If I would have decided to go through with the exit strategy I would have made the biggest mistake of my life.
If someone would have told me on that day that in less than three years I would be totally healthy, addiction free, as healthy mentally and physically as I have ever been, More peaceful, content and happy then I really ever thought possible, and starting my dream job.. I would have kicked them in the balls and tried to stomp them to death with my weak emaciated, broke ass, addicted body.
But they would have been telling the truth.
Reach deeper, you have a whole tank you didn't even know about. You got this and your life will change if you change it.
Pick yourself up. Search out and find the answers to the questions you have. You will be amazed at where you end up.
I am
