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The Suicide support thread

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thinking crazy as shit again, maybe its the lack of sleep, or possibly be where my life is atm.tired of this shit, the smile i had a week ago turned into a frown pretty fucking quick, the shit my family is doing to be is not making me mad anymore,just deppresed (i came clean to them that i was on methadone at a clinic thinking that would help clear my side of the street...o how fucking wrong i was) so mom n stepdad are done with me, stopped helping me with everything, and not having a steady job really sucks because i can only do so much in a day. i dont want to go into details about whats going on with my life because its a lot of shit to type, just check out the last blog i wrote.
thinking suicidal. who wouldnt when your in a such a shitty situation where everyone that you loved has turned against you for coming clean trying to do whats right. so laying here trying not to think about my family hurts, would love some comfort now,especially from my mom. for her to wrap her warm arounds around me and kiss me on the cheek. i havnt even talked to my mother since leaving detox for coming off of methadone.
i still have a syringe, and some $ to get what i want, i can easly just go to sleep after an OD and not have to wakeup in the fucking backseat of my fucking car, it will feel so nice to stretch one more time before i go. all the anger and hate i had way before this has turned into guilt,shame,and sadness, o and how big of a fuck up i am.
cant deal with this shit any longer, i really cant because theres really nothing good going on in my life right now.
cant say whats going to happen tommorow, i can assure that i wont be eating breakfast/dinner with my family. i really don't want to go, im just sick and tired of where my life is, and fuck id love to just go to sleep and never wake up, and dream ohow i miss dreaming, well with all that shit said, ive got some heroin now, looking at the baggie, and have my spoon,lighter, and rig. i plan on sleeping,and dont care if i ever wake up. mom, im glad your relationship with my step father is now greater then ever now that i'm out of the picture. just fyi mother, if i'm going to be a ghost i'm going to haunt the shit out of you and joe(step fatherfuck). this is the end for me i think, ive never done this ammount of boi before. i could call my family now and they wouldnt give a flying fuck,prob just hang up on myass. with that said and done i'll leave you to it, my heart is broken, and im glad i wont have to put up with alot of this shit for to long. gb
 
D's said:
thinking crazy as shit again, maybe its the lack of sleep, or possibly be where my life is atm.tired of this shit, the smile i had a week ago turned into a frown pretty fucking quick, the shit my family is doing to be is not making me mad anymore,just deppresed (i came clean to them that i was on methadone at a clinic thinking that would help clear my side of the street...o how fucking wrong i was) so mom n stepdad are done with me, stopped helping me with everything, and not having a steady job really sucks because i can only do so much in a day. i dont want to go into details about whats going on with my life because its a lot of shit to type, just check out the last blog i wrote.
thinking suicidal. who wouldnt when your in a such a shitty situation where everyone that you loved has turned against you for coming clean trying to do whats right. so laying here trying not to think about my family hurts, would love some comfort now,especially from my mom. for her to wrap her warm arounds around me and kiss me on the cheek. i havnt even talked to my mother since leaving detox for coming off of methadone.
i still have a syringe, and some $ to get what i want, i can easly just go to sleep after an OD and not have to wakeup in the fucking backseat of my fucking car, it will feel so nice to stretch one more time before i go. all the anger and hate i had way before this has turned into guilt,shame,and sadness, o and how big of a fuck up i am.
cant deal with this shit any longer, i really cant because theres really nothing good going on in my life right now.
cant say whats going to happen tommorow, i can assure that i wont be eating breakfast/dinner with my family. i really don't want to go, im just sick and tired of where my life is, and fuck id love to just go to sleep and never wake up, and dream ohow i miss dreaming, well with all that shit said, ive got some heroin now, looking at the baggie, and have my spoon,lighter, and rig. i plan on sleeping,and dont care if i ever wake up. mom, im glad your relationship with my step father is now greater then ever now that i'm out of the picture. just fyi mother, if i'm going to be a ghost i'm going to haunt the shit out of you and joe(step fatherfuck). this is the end for me i think, ive never done this ammount of boi before. i could call my family now and they wouldnt give a flying fuck,prob just hang up on myass. with that said and done i'll leave you to it, my heart is broken, and im glad i wont have to put up with alot of this shit for to long. gb
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put it off for another day, another week, another month. otherwise id all feel like shit for not being able to do anything to make you stay. ;)
these events sound very grim indeed and i dont think anyone will blame you for wanting to put an end to all that shit. but the fact that you came here and told us and also still long for your families acceptance tells me theres some hope left within you. please hang on tight and dont leave us now! <3
 
Fuck mate.... My thoughts r wit ya D's. I was posting here just a few weeks ago, Ended up in hospital with bad cuts and a beating from the fucking police... Hang with us mate, Its not worth giving up atm, just keep tellin urself that.. can PM me, although im not in the best of spots for advice. could help to have someone to talk to... Im not felt suicisal idealogys for a few weeks now maybe, but it plays on my mind thank god i have a daughter i couldnt do it although ive tried seriously twice.
Update when you feel ready hey? Ur 2 valuble a person to loose to fucking bullshit... Same as me<3<3
 
And im angry at my bf for going back to prison after he said he loved me, I want to hurt him, I want to shoe up to a visit half dead and not giving a fuck. I dont think he deserves that, but I never get to place my anger anywhere, nothing is ever appropriate and I dont want to hold it any longer its fucking heavy
 
I need to rant, I need to ventilate these thoughts. I do not expect a response. I do not expect anything. I'd like some words of advice, some words of wisdom, but to be honest...I don't expect anyone to help me.

What do I do when I want to die, but I can't bring myself to kill myself? Does it mean I really don't want to kill myself? Is something in my head, keeping me from wanting to go through with it? Am I wrong for believing in these reasons to live, even though I feel so strongly that those reasons will never be a reality? Are they a reality just from thinking about them?

I'm a drug addict. I can't stop doing MxE, and it's affecting my relationships with friends. A girl who I believe had an interest in me, lost respect for me this weekend. She is worried about me, telling me how she cares for me and doesn't want me doing this everyday. I promised her I wouldn't do anymore, and I took 200mg and made a fool of myself, thinking I lost my drugs, searching for hours looking for them at a party we were at. She didn't even talk to me. She wouldn't even help me. Not that I'd expect her to, she clearly wanted no part of my stupidity, and rightfully so, but I feel so much guilt. I broke a promise to a friend who I care deeply about. But more importantly, I broke a promise I made to myself, a promise to keep the promise I made to her, for her.

I'm trying so hard to find a job. I've been filling out applications online for hours. I'm literally sick to my stomach, I want to puke, I want to shit, but I can't do either. Nobody will even call me back, nobody will give me a chance. I'm trying so hard to change for the better, to move my life in a more positive direction. I want a relationship with this girl, with anyone, but I can't if my life is in the gutter. I was considering joining the National Guard for awhile, forgot about it for awhile but I think maybe it's time to reconsider it. What else am I going to do with myself? I'm going to be 21 in two weeks, and I have no means of supporting myself, and I can't keep relying on my father to take care of me.

I really need a miracle. All I can do, is sit here, and take a huge bump of MxE, because I don't know what else to do right now. I've filled out so many applications, asked so many friends for help with work. Now all I can do is wait...wait a few moments till I think of what to do next. I'm going to keep trying, keep applying, never stopping. I will not give up. But while I produce all this effort, I still want to end my life. I can't help but feel all this effort is for nothing. All my previous effort has been for nothing, is it wrong of me to think that my current effort will also be for nothing? I really hope it's not for nothing. I really want change. I need change.
 
Actually have managed a 100% success rate on today which has made me feel alot better about everything, dont knw whats up with *you* that u feel the need to pick at people posting in a suicide support thread. Do you need help? *hug*
 
^ugly....why?! I am hoping that this is not because you are feeling suicidal. PM me if you are feeling down, OK?<3

D's--I am so sorry to hear about your family's reaction. Try not to let it get to you (though you broke this mother's heart when you said how much you just wished that your mom would put her arms around you). People go through weird stuff about drugs--addicts do, their families do and their friends do--it is the nature of the beast, unfortunately. What is happening right now in your family is not forever. Just keep doing what you are doing for YOU and they will come around. Someday you will each be able to wrap your arms around each other and cry and apologize for whatever each of you has to apologize for. In the meantime, keep yourself alive, try to stick with the methadone and strengthen yourself from the inside. Think of all the strength and daring and courage the life of an addict takes--use that to your advantage. You have everything you need inside you to heal and thrive. I'm a mom that lost her son. There is no pain that I have ever experienced like this. Keep yourself safe. You are a wonderful person and though there is a wedge between you and your mother right now, it will not last forever.<3

J. Wallace, you have been struggling for so long. I know that you must feel exhausted. I think that the part of you that keeps fighting, keeps hope, is amazing and admirable. Your life will get better. If you go in the guard you will have to give up drugs altogether won't you? Why wait? Being in love is its own drug--that girl was worth way more than mxe, right? Why don't you do whatever you have to do to get off it and then tell her she inspired you to change? <3

Libby--congrats on 100%!:)
 
^^ mrflowers, whenever you feel like this, please go back and read the positive words you posted in this very thread only last week. Remember that this shitty feeling is only temporary and you will feel better soon. Take care please <3
 
I have some good news and a warning for you, luvs...

I feel more positive than I have in a few weeks. I had the LONGEST talk with my 30 year old son and he was so straightforward with me that I felt WEIRD to realize he knows me uncannily well. :\

We talked for for two and a half hours on FB chat.

I don't want this to be a tl, dr.

SO....

The UPSHOT was that today I went and applied to ROP to learn to be pharmacy aide!

SHUT UP!:!

I know what your thinking but I have already DONE the pharms and I am, indeed, not attracted to pharms.

ESPECIALLY after I warn you about this...

My husband was concerned about me after I got the letter from the Federal Unemployment aid about how California did something wrong and about 100,000 people, including me, would find enclosed our last $bit-o-change or so.... FOREVER. I was afraid. Mortified.

My husband made an appointment for me @ the Dr a week ago or maybe two now... anyway....my dr. doubled me from 60 mg to 120 mg cymbalta.

Did I already tell you luvs all this? I can't remember right now because I'm high as ^^^way above... probably as high as the very first forum you come to when you click on the forums tab.

I loved the way that sounded when I read it back to myself just now!

I am celebrating the realization and the acceptance that doubling the dose in my particular case was just about the worse thing he could have done. I went ape shit.

I literally went like....

APE
FUCKING
SHIT

and it sucked the worst thing you would ever want to suck on. (I do not presume to know your individual preferences.)

I feel very much better. My son 8( said to just let go of my teaching career and venture out. Try something else since they aren't hiring teachers anyway.

Isn't that wise? Or is that my pride?
 
Hey CH, I would have called you but we don't have the money for anything anymore.... so if you ring me and get a weirdo recording, it is because I can't afford a phone anymore. Just email me. Peace.
 
herbavore said:
J. Wallace, you have been struggling for so long. I know that you must feel exhausted. I think that the part of you that keeps fighting, keeps hope, is amazing and admirable. Your life will get better. If you go in the guard you will have to give up drugs altogether won't you? Why wait? Being in love is its own drug--that girl was worth way more than mxe, right? Why don't you do whatever you have to do to get off it and then tell her she inspired you to change? <3
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I've tried contacting her, but she's yet to respond. I already know, she doesn't want to talk to me. I've been clean since the incident this weekend, and have been trying really hard to stay positive. I miss her though. I sent a text earlier, basically saying I hope she is doing okay, and I understand she probably doesn't want to talk to me. I told her I've been clean, and hope to hear from her soon. Still no reply, but honestly...I probably shouldn't expect one.

I'm not sure what to do. I feel like...nothing. A bag of meat, a bag of bones, just sitting around, unsure of what to do. I'm trying really hard to find a job, to move my life in a more positive direction. And honestly, deep down I think it's all because of her. She's giving me a reason to be a better person, and so I'm trying. I'm hoping she'll text me, or call to see how I'm doing. Just to reconnect after the past few days, would make me feel so much better.

I haven't had any call backs, or interviews. I'm feeling fairly hopelessly on the job front. Not sure what to do, or where to go. I'm by no means done searching though. Nothing I'd like more than to reconnect with this girl, and give her nothing but positive news about myself. "Hey, I've been clean since then, and I've got a job!". I'd really like that. I think for now, the "I've been clean" part is all I'm going to get out of life. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after something better will come. Till then, I'm just sitting here, thinking...not sure what to do next. Hoping, dreaming, something, anything really...
 
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