• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

The Suicide support thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
In this moment, I'd like to fall asleep, and never wake up.

I wish I didn't exist anymore. Life is this circle of loops. Substances. Food, Eating. Pressure. Relationships. Women. Expectations. Desires, wants. All these things I can't deal with anymore. I want so many things but I can't deal with the pressures that come with them. Fourteen was the age I believe I first thought I wanted to die, and slowly but surely it keeps creeping up on me. Day after day, I tell myself just one more day, just one more day, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I'm so sick of living, I'm so sick of feeling, I'm so sick of crying, of wanting, of needing, all these things which are meaningless.

I just spent 5 minutes sobbing on the floor, crying about how I don't want to exist anymore...I wish I could kill myself. I know I could, I mean, I could take the ferry and jump off the side and drown myself. I could jump in front of an express train. I could maybe even make my way to the seaport and jump off the Brooklyn bridge, but it's not good enough. I want to just...be gone. I don't want to suffer, I don't want to go out in pain, I just want to...die. Why is it so fucking hard....I feel so pathetic, I can't even kill myself...
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm sorry you feel this way. I can't say I have all the answers, but you are welcome to PM me if you want to.
Click to expand...

I know nobody gives a shit, lol...it's whatever...I feel better now. My mind is occupied, for the time being...gotta help take care of some people who took too much of a particular substance, they're crashing at my house...gonna go feed them some tea, and some blankets...as long as my mind is active I don't seem to have many issues...
 
J.Wallace said:
I know nobody gives a shit, lol...it's whatever...I feel better now. My mind is occupied, for the time being...gotta help take care of some people who took too much of a particular substance, they're crashing at my house...gonna go feed them some tea, and some blankets...as long as my mind is active I don't seem to have many issues...
Click to expand...

I'm glad you feel better already. :)

If I didn't care I wouldn't have posted - you're always welcome to PM me regardless.
 
i am very happy for this thread..

It's a little comforting to know that I'm not alone here in the way I feel.. There are always though of suicide floating around my head, I wish I wasn't such a chicken shit 2 act them out. I'm jealous of the people that have gone through with it..my life could be worse yes, but it sure don't feel that way. It can't get any worse for some of my family. breaks my <3 ..I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to feel this way anymore..my wishful thinkin consist of dreams of a freak accident or something, just 2 end the bullshit that is my life..thnx 4 listening( if any1 actually is) they sure don't where I come from..or maybe they just don't care.who knows
 
sconnie I'm really sorry to hear you feel this way about your life so often. You know what though?? It actually takes more courage to stick around, and to perservere through the shitty times, than it does to end it all prematurely. To take the easy way out by ending your life before your time is up, is more of a cowardly way out. The fact that you've been fighting for so long is a true testament to how strong you really are, and how capable you are of overcoming these bad thoughts and feelings. Have you ever stopped to think about it that way, and to allow yourself to feel proud that you're still here despite the adversities you've been through?? Well, I for one am proud of you, and I don't even know you.
sconnie, you CAN get though this. Please keep trying. Things will get better one day, I promise. They might possibly get a littler worse before they get better, life has constant ups and downs, after all. But when times are good, it is SO worth it, and you will be so glad you stuck around <3

What exactly is going on in your life at the moment, that is making you feel this way? You can PM me if you don't wanna talk about it in the public forum. I'm always happy to listen. Take care of yourself okay? You are worth it <3
 
sconnie420 said:
It's a little comforting to know that I'm not alone here in the way I feel.. There are always though of suicide floating around my head, I wish I wasn't such a chicken shit 2 act them out. I'm jealous of the people that have gone through with it..my life could be worse yes, but it sure don't feel that way. It can't get any worse for some of my family. breaks my <3 ..I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to feel this way anymore..my wishful thinkin consist of dreams of a freak accident or something, just 2 end the bullshit that is my life..thnx 4 listening( if any1 actually is) they sure don't where I come from..or maybe they just don't care.who knows
Click to expand...
I really feel those phantasies. Have had them as a loyal companion since I'm 10 if my memory isn't playing tricks on me (since 5th grade). It started to crystallize out over the next ten years, that a truck hitting me without a moment's notice was my preferred vision since it requires no initiative and doesn't carry the burden of guilt that I associate actual suicide with. Wishful thinking.
before this became clear I considered myself a coward for not acting them out, but with my views on life and deathg having changed over the last 20 years I now consider acting on these phantasies (of active suicid) the cowardly thing to do. I should add that I now have a daughter and my dad just retired, so responsibilities are becoming clearer, so the long process of growing up changed how I think about suicide. I do not think it is wrong in itself, but individual social responsibilities should be considered and the whole act is something that should be more openly debated without all the fucking guilt attached and with professionals being able to guarantee a certain quality standard. I personally thought everyone was phantasizing about suicide for a long time, moreso when I slowly came to realize the function it has for me: to deal with unhappiness and to keep a sense of control, a chance for instant relief, hold a backdoor open, a quick escape.

Unlike you, I can't say I have been dealt bad cards at all and neither has anyone in my family (aside from my mother who has played an excellent game with those cards). There has never been immense pressure on me either. I never had to struggle with anything, it all came wrapped as a gift delivered to my door and it still is. Shit I've done nothing but getting high for ten years until I got my temporary girl friend pregnant. Still I didn't even have to apply in the classical sense to start studying medicine. I got caught risking lives of others when my dmt lab exploded and I didn't even fucking get punished and they still let me study. It seems I have been trying hard to fuck up the great hand that seems to have been dealt to me, but to no luck.

Still the thoughts keep me company, but they don't give me hope anymore, now they just bring shame onto myself. The once colorful glorious vision of death has faded out and been replaced by a vision of unforgivable guilt, and who wants his last moment to be one in which guilt overshadows whatever pain lead to the decision? If I free myself from pain, I want to deserve it, I want to feel good about it, I want to embrace death. So now I am actively seeking out ways to make myself a lot less miserable and if those fail by the time my parents have died and my daughter is out of the house and not as dependent anymore, I can still consider it an option.

So back to walking through traffic sightlessly and waiting for that truck to come along? Nay, even that doesn't feel good anymore because of my responsibilities. Maybe I'll get something done, manage to create a better reality, maybe something unexpected comes along, something desirable, maybe there just is a place for me, maybe I'm already there, right here with my daughter? It just feels like whatever good this life could have to offer, I have not found it yet.

Sometimes I look at other people, people who tell me the story of their life, people from TDS or just people who I know a few anecdotes about and wonder: "How the fuck do they manage to keep playing along in this farce?" It just cannot be that they don't realize that the joke is on us! I should be doing fucking fine and others I see are just caught up in an ocean of feces.

Maybe people I know well have the same phantasies but don't admit to them in order not to worry anyone or because they simply don't want to seem like an attention whore or whatever other reason. Suicide is the most common unnatural way to die in Germany and that also rings true for countless other nations, so why do I (/we) have to feel so damn alone and locked out with these thoughts?

I'm ranting again, excuse me. Hope I'm coherent.

<3
 
Last edited:
^I am glad to hear that these suicidal fantasies are no longer a part of your life, cr00k, but you do bring up some excellent points. What you said about the thoughts themselves giving you a sense of control rings very true for me. You cannot control so much of what you perceive is making you unhappy, i.e. loneliness, rejection, isolation, failure, existential angst. So often, we adopt these self defeating behaviors like self harm, eating disorders and even thoughts of suicide because it gives us some sense of control. It is ironic since all of these are seemingly when we are most out of control, at least to the outside world. I always saw my suicidal thoughts as the only way I could control all my sources of unhappiness--by depriving them of a home!

I'm not sure if I agree that suicide is cowardly. I think that actually getting to the point of taking one's life is an act of faith. The body will rebel against you--it wants to live. Your own brain will rebel--it is programmed to survive. I think it takes great courage and resolve but that does not mean that I think it is the option anyone should strive for except in cases of utter futility and incurable physical pain. But here is where what you said about responsibility comes in; is it ever worth taking this route when it will cause such horrible devastation to those we leave behind?

One of the things that age has taught me (I am 58) is that life is full of surprises. The more you open yourself to possibility, the more life throws your way. I was suicidal at 16 and again at 20. I would have missed travels, lovers, unbelievable friends, a husband, accomplishments that I could never have foreseen, and two beautiful children. My life was hard back then. But, because it was hard, I was so focused on myself, on my pain and trying to escape it that I did not see all the miraculous paths around me. Somehow I made it through, but in retrospect I see all the many ways that I could have reached outside of myself and grabbed onto what was always there.

I know that what we say in here so often, "This will pass, it will get better" seems so trite, so cliched. I wish there were better words for it because it is the truth. what gets better is what is inside you. The outside world will remain exactly as it is--full of suffering and full of joy. It is what is in you that needs time to change. Give yourselves time and patience and look for ways to look ouside yourself, think outside the box, push the envelope of your comfort zone---that is where change can start to flow in.

And love to everyone who has ever, or who still is, feeling this way.<3<3<3
 
crOOk said:
I really feel those phantasies. Have had them as a loyal companion since I'm 10 if my memory isn't playing tricks on me (since 5th grade). It started to crystallize out over the next ten years, that a truck hitting me without a moment's notice was my preferred vision since it requires no initiative and doesn't carry the burden of guilt that I associate actual suicide with. Wishful thinking.
before this became clear I considered myself a coward for not acting them out, but with my views on life and deathg having changed over the last 20 years I now consider acting on these phantasies (of active suicid) the cowardly thing to do. I should add that I now have a daughter and my dad just retired, so responsibilities are becoming clearer, so the long process of growing up changed how I think about suicide. I do not think it is wrong in itself, but individual social responsibilities should be considered and the whole act is something that should be more openly debated without all the fucking guilt attached and with professionals being able to guarantee a certain quality standard. I personally thought everyone was phantasizing about suicide for a long time, moreso when I slowly came to realize the function it has for me: to deal with unhappiness and to keep a sense of control, a chance for instant relief, hold a backdoor open, a quick escape.

Unlike you, I can't say I have been dealt bad cards at all and neither has anyone in my family (aside from my mother who has played an excellent game with those cards). There has never been immense pressure on me either. I never had to struggle with anything, it all came wrapped as a gift delivered to my door and it still is. Shit I've done nothing but getting high for ten years until I got my temporary girl friend pregnant. Still I didn't even have to apply in the classical sense to start studying medicine. I got caught risking lives of others when my dmt lab exploded and I didn't even fucking get punished and they still let me study. It seems I have been trying hard to fuck up the great hand that seems to have been dealt to me, but to no luck.

Still the thoughts keep me company, but they don't give me hope anymore, now they just bring shame onto myself. The once colorful glorious vision of death has faded out and been replaced by a vision of unforgivable guilt, and who wants his last moment to be one in which guilt overshadows whatever pain lead to the decision? If I free myself from pain, I want to deserve it, I want to feel good about it, I want to embrace death. So now I am actively seeking out ways to make myself a lot less miserable and if those fail by the time my parents have died and my daughter is out of the house and not as dependent anymore, I can still consider it an option.

So back to walking through traffic sightlessly and waiting for that truck to come along? Nay, even that doesn't feel good anymore because of my responsibilities. Maybe I'll get something done, manage to create a better reality, maybe something unexpected comes along, something desirable, maybe there just is a place for me, maybe I'm already there, right here with my daughter? It just feels like whatever good this life could have to offer, I have not found it yet.

Sometimes I look at other people, people who tell me the story of their life, people from TDS or just people who I know a few anecdotes about and wonder: "How the fuck do they manage to keep playing along in this farce?" It just cannot be that they don't realize that the joke is on us! I should be doing fucking fine and others I see are just caught up in an ocean of feces.

Maybe people I know well have the same phantasies but don't admit to them in order not to worry anyone or because they simply don't want to seem like an attention whore or whatever other reason. Suicide is the most common unnatural way to die in Germany and that also rings true for countless other nations, so why do I (/we) have to feel so damn alone and locked out with these thoughts?

I'm ranting again, excuse me. Hope I'm coherent.

<3
Click to expand...


you say the same thing as my dad, although he doesn't know I have actually thought about it( he'd probably beat my ass and im 28).did try and fail in my teen years, as I have always suffered from depression .He's always had this opinion.. But that is one reason why I wouldn't want children or never have..my thought's have been why bring a life in when im miserable, that would make it no better @ all and i couldn't do that to a child. I do <3 my nieces and nephews as much as if they were mine though.
my cards have been ok to be honest..i have a nice man(although he don't get depression @ all, not his fault), my dad is fabulous and i love every1 and all..But my sister on the other hand has had it for shit since, i cant remember when..i feel responsible for this a little( my fault or not). Her oldest daughter is begging anyone but her parent to take her in, and i want to help so bad but i feel so damn helpless for the whole thing..
i can honestly say"if" i ever did it wouldn't be before the death of my parents and they are even close, but i have struggled with this for as long as i can remember. i know being "crazy" runs in my family..so it's probably some sort of genetics or something..sure ill get over it at some point just feel so empty..
my boyfriend was half right the other night when he said I was emotionless..seems like the only thing i feel is misery and it's just that waiting for it to go away for just a minute..im sure you understand.
and i totally appreciate the rant, nice to know people here care..to bad i cant talk to some of you irl..or had people like you to talk to f2f.

not to change the subject, but i have always <3'd Germany...i have so many German articles and letters I have been trying to get translated for me...I had family there not long ago, probably still do..you're area i believe...

much <3 for the response, appreciate it immensely.
 
Hi sconnie!<3 Have you ever been treated for depression? When you say that you are emotionless, this is what it sounds like. It's not the easiest thing in the world to get a handle on, even with treatment, but with a combination of therapies most people can gain control of it. Being depressed is such a horrible feeling and when you feel it chronically it can make life seem pointless. You sound like a wonderful person with a lot of love to offer everyone in your life. I hope that you can find some help. What have you tried so far?
 
herbavore said:
Hi sconnie!<3 Have you ever been treated for depression? When you say that you are emotionless, this is what it sounds like. It's not the easiest thing in the world to get a handle on, even with treatment, but with a combination of therapies most people can gain control of it. Being depressed is such a horrible feeling and when you feel it chronically it can make life seem pointless. You sound like a wonderful person with a lot of love to offer everyone in your life. I hope that you can find some help. What have you tried so far?
Click to expand...

Hey .ya when I had insurance I went to doctors, had the scripts, and what not..some of the drugs helped some not so much..for the most part I have a handle on it, without drugs. Just every once in a while it takes control..I didn't say that I was emontionless, my boyfriend saif I was...idk if he was joking or what.. This thread is a help, the people are so supportive. It's a help for me just to be able to talk to some1, and get this shit off my chest..I have zero support IRL that I am comfortable talking to about this,they all have their own problems. Also, I just don't have the desire( wrong word choice maybe) to tell these people.. Almost feel like it's my problem not theirs, I don't let people in that far.. Thanks for the kind words... Much <3 !
 
I know what that's like tricomb. What's going on dude? Please PM me if you wanna chat one-on-one okay? You're not alone <3
 
i dont understand how i can feel so great for a few hours then all of a sudden like I've hit the ground from a thousand miles up...all i want to do is rest and relax but and given opportunity for it just leased to feeling like this...wish i could flick the switch on my mind and just turn off
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top