The Suicide support thread

[snafu]

I don't want to, but I play with the thought of it every now and then.

 

[stardust.hero]

tricomb you put too much blame on yourself. Feel better

snafu is there any particular reason you could think of that's causing these feelings? Like is it after certain events or is something going on that is making you feel like that?

 

[tricomb]

Blaming myself is all I've ever known.

I will post more in TDS, just for you stardust.hero :D

 

[tremours]

does anyone know if theres any serious side effects for miss your daily dose of celexa, when i first started taking it i had a mild relei from my depression and anxiety but that quickly went away, after i went back to my doctor and explained this to him he doubled my dose, though since then ive misssed multiple doses mainly cause i cant feel any good benifeits im receiving from these pills, but its seems like since ive started this me ive been doing waying to much stupid shit. lately all ican think of is taking a dive of a bridge, are their any other better anti-depressants or sohuld i just quit my meds?

 

[crOOk]

does anyone know if theres any serious side effects for miss your daily dose of celexa, when i first started taking it i had a mild relei from my depression and anxiety but that quickly went away, after i went back to my doctor and explained this to him he doubled my dose, though since then ive misssed multiple doses mainly cause i cant feel any good benifeits im receiving from these pills, but its seems like since ive started this me ive been doing waying to much stupid shit. lately all ican think of is taking a dive of a bridge, are their any other better anti-depressants or sohuld i just quit my meds?

This really belongs to it's own thread if you want good resonance, but a lot of people will probably know of the suicidal ideations caused by SSRI's. I get them on the first day at the soonest, once it took a few days, stuff makes me super hypomaniac at first and then while still riding that wave I am overcome by really dark and twisted thoughts that paint scenarios in which I always wind up dead lol. My daughter's mother (not a substance abuser at all) took them once and mentioned suicide for the first time after 3 days. I told her to stop taking them if she has any serious thoughts about it whatsoever and it was never really mentioned again. Stopping them solved it for me, too. At least to a degree where the suicidal ideations took on their old function again instead of terrorize me throughout the nights and lonely moments. Fucked up shit. Couldn't sleep on them and got pretty bad GI discomfort as well, smokes tasted like fucking shit and my throat constantly felt like I had dropped a load of acid. BUT it made me super hypomanic which sort of felt like a plus at first. Kudos to everyone who sticks to taking these. :D They just aren't meant for everyone.

Just stop taking them right now if they make you suicidal, that is what any doctor has to tell you, too. But nonetheless make an appointment asap and see how you can adjust your therapy, there really are other options that might suit you much better.

 

[Doomed2pain]

I feel really bad my head is just trashed and i am plagued with suicidal thoughts again. on a waitinv list to see a psychiatrist to review my medication but it is taking way too long and really dont know how much longer i can go on like this for :S

 

[Xeromatosis]

Sleepless. Tired. Restless. Alone with silence. Time to think. Too much. Many mistakes. Plenty time for regret. Must do better. Have to try harder. Far too many errors. Unacceptable. No loose ends. Can leave no question. Must work to sleep but need sleep to work. No right answer. Unforgiving. Rest is hard earned. In tears and sweat and blood. Condemned. Pointless efforts. You can't fix yesterday. So why do i suffer for it? Cowardice! To afraid to die. But. Fading is easy. What i mean to say is. Don't break the silence. Tired. Abandon pretense. Rise. Hopeless of sleep. Maybe a cigarrette will fix it. Things must be done properly. This time. This end is just the start. Don't be sad, Have fun!

 

[crOOk]

I feel really bad my head is just trashed and i am plagued with suicidal thoughts again. on a waitinv list to see a psychiatrist to review my medication but it is taking way too long and really dont know how much longer i can go on like this for :S

cant you just show up in the praxis and wait for another patient to miss his appointment? or call daily and ask if someone cancelled? id try that both. if youre trying the former, dont call them first, just pop in and tell them its urgent, you wait the whole day if necessary...

 

[DeathDomokun]

I just don't know. My head is always full of such dissonance and bewilderment.
There is so much out there I haven't experienced, there are an infinite amount of things that are possible to create. Life is full of possibilities, of uncertainties, of change.
Death is very final. Death is much easier than life, it'd be so much easier to stop experiencing these emotions.
I'm just no sure on anything, and in the mean time I'm passively sitting here, simply existing an existence of pointless suffering. I'm not ready to die, as I'm not certain there's nothing I want from the world. I'm not willing to live, as I don't know what I want from the world. The result is just a fuckery of fucking fuck
I'm just so sick of this. The only reason I have to continue is hope. 'What if...'
I mean why would I kill myself before going to the extent of taking from others in order to feel better?
What do I care about other possibilities. All that is relevant is the present and death, and seeing as death is so final I just wish I could wrap my head around what's going on at the moment.
I'm in a constant stupor, or maybe that's not the right word. A constant haze. Nothing is clear. It's like when somebody asks you a question, and you ask them to repeat the question only for your mind to register what they said before they repeat themselves. That's how I constantly feel, if you add a nice serving of wretched emotion to the state of mind and have it become ones baseline/normal/constant state of mind.

I'm fucking pathetic.

 

[crOOk]

I mean why would I kill myself before going to the extent of taking from others in order to feel better?

Exactly. Why? Not suggesting you should take from just anyone, steal and rob, rape and murder, but we all have to take something or we end up with nothing. There are others out there who will suck you out till there is nothing left. You can't live off air and love alone, even if the psychedelic experience has a tendency to suggest that. Not sure where your believes that taking from others is entirely wrong really comes from and how in touch with your material needs you are, but for me it was a very long and slow process to admit those to me. Who are you going to take from if not from others? Mother nature? Sounds fantastic in theory lol!

I'm in a constant stupor, or maybe that's not the right word. A constant haze. Nothing is clear. It's like when somebody asks you a question, and you ask them to repeat the question only for your mind to register what they said before they repeat themselves. That's how I constantly feel, if you add a nice serving of wretched emotion to the state of mind and have it become ones baseline/normal/constant state of mind.

Cognitive symptoms like the ones you describe are very common in depression. Have you thought about seeking medical treatment of some form? Is that even an option where you live? I used to think I have add, some sort of mental disability or degenerative processes are wasting my brain, but I've come to realize it's just fucking depression that stops me from making use of my mental capacities. Not that this would've solved the problem on the spot, but maybe it'll help you to know this is not unheard of and even treatable with relatively good chances of success.

Hope you manage to get back on top somehow!

 

[desolato]

I tried and chickened out, got fiance to take me to the hospital passed out and woke up a lady came to talk to me and I was ready to talk to someone ready to get everything and anything off my chest then my fiancé walked into the room, he asked if i wanted him there I said no, I'd just started talking to the lady, he walked in put some things down then the lady started talking to him, and they had this conversation in front of me like all of a sudden I wasn't important any more he was, and I wasn't even there or relevant, after 15 minutes he left and she tried to ask me the same questions she asked him I asked her what's the point? not like your going to believe me over him now are you? why ask me now when you got everything you needed from him you both acted as if i was irrelevant so no I'm not going to answer your question. Got up and walked out of the hospital. I went home, got the remaining property that I couldn't burn, I'd planned to burn all of it, every last piece but then I couldn't, unless i wanted a battery exploding in my face, I got my codeine script and remaining temaze and left, i picked up my script, picked up some alcohol to wash it down, went to the deserted end of the local large park, drowned everything i had left of the property in the river then took what i could drank what i could and waited, nothing happened, for some reason i started walking back to the car, police had just driven up to it and spotted me,failed...next time I'll make sure to turn my phone off so no one can find me, they ran after me knock me over and out, woke up in hospital, my fiancé came in and I told him to f off, and he left, just like that, didn't leave the room, he left the hospital, after two words from me, I was left there by myself under an r and r order. I couldn't leave I had to do everything they said and wanted. I tried to leave but they forced me into another room, i had a nurse at the corner of the curtains and a security guard standing just a lil further out, I couldn't close the curtains couldn't go to the toilet with the door closed, they didn't give me a copy of the r and r order, they didn't explain anything to me wouldn't tell me what was happening later finding out that i had rights and they were supposed to include me in my treatment plan and explain everything to me, allow me to choose an allied person to speak for me and if i was unable to choose one they were supposed to but i got none of it i had none of my rights as an involuntary patient under the mental health act 2000 for my state. It broke me down more than everything i had gone through with getting my property back. having to let people do things to me and watch me while i changed and went to the toilet brought every single memory i had of being abused flooding my mind and creating new ones with the same horrid feelings. after 15 or so hours my fiance came back i only let him in so i could get out, as soon as the last blood test was done to make sure my liver was ok i was finally allowed to see someone from the mental health unit a counsellor and a shrink but the shrink did the talking, interviewed me and him, I said what i had to say and walked out. came home and i gave him my ring back. he left me alone in there, didnt check up on me once, didnt make sure i was ok or being treated right, weve had so many fights before and every other time hes been able to see when i really needed him and say no your being an idiot and fought for me and kept me safe and looked out for me and has been there but that night when i needed him more than ever before he just walked away. just prooves what and who i am and my worth. to have the police officer even though he knew every disgusting detail of everything thta happened to me from taking my statements all of a sudden treat me like a fool and vanish not caring, my fiance talking over me like i wasn't there with the shrink at the hosp, then leaving me at the hosp again, to go through that hell, the rest of that day and the next and the next i was a blubbering mess i couldn't do anything, the next day i picked myself up and saw my uni councellor, went to my gp told him everything and agreed to a mental health plan, made an appt for this coming week to check my meds are working and made an appt with a shrink for the mental health care plan, i did all that BY MYSELF, of my own choice trying to fix myself trying to do the right thing, today he asks to talk to me, and says if i was trying i would go back to the hospital even though that made things 100 times worse, fine then another hospital he says, what ive been doing isnt good enough even though i havent had any of the triggers to turn me to breaking point and was actually doing ok.....that broke me, down, again, and it will be for the last time. I have nothing left of me any more to stand up to the memories and pain and hurt and keep going, there nothing left of me to keep going, this time there will be no note, just music playing, ill do it right no phones or anything and this time i wont walk back ill sit in the river until i sleep and drown myself with the rest of my rotten memories and pain.

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away...

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away...

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Done there's no starting again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
no forgiving what I've

Done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
What I've done

 

[thedarksider07]

Desolato, something can be dOne. Stay strong. Everything will work out. Talk to your fiancé, you need him more now than hospital. Believe.

 

[mrflowers00]

i feel pretty happy today my withdrawals are going away now but i'm still in a lot of pain and it's not that i want to kill myself or anything i just wish i could sleep untill the pain dies down a bit

 

[Captain.Heroin]

i feel pretty happy today my withdrawals are going away now but i'm still in a lot of pain and it's not that i want to kill myself or anything i just wish i could sleep untill the pain dies down a bit

That's exactly how I felt when I broke my arm. It was horrible not being able to get sleep because of the horrid pain.

I still think you're brave and courageous for making it this far! You're always welcome to PM me.

 

[Doomed2pain]

it doesnt work like that on the nhs. I do have someone trying to bump me up the list but I just have to hold tight and wait. or completely lose grip and end up in hospital again :S

cant you just show up in the praxis and wait for another patient to miss his appointment? or call daily and ask if someone cancelled? id try that both. if youre trying the former, dont call them first, just pop in and tell them its urgent, you wait the whole day if necessary...

 

[DeathDomokun]

I've been to 2 psychiatrists. The first was completely useless, then near the start of this year? I don't even know my memory, awareness, and cognition all fail me, and I'm too lazy to find my old thread to find the date. Now I'm just rambling about bullshit, anyway the other psychiatrist only wanted to give me Fluoxetine. I noticed a change, but it wasn't a positive change. It was just change, I can't really explain it. I just felt different, this could have been from things changing from the way I'm used to but it didn't change any cognitive or emotional issues, it just made me more aloof to everything, and yada yada.
Anyway, so I told him it wasn't helping with my symptoms, and he said because that didn't work no medicine would and that it's part of my personality, subsequently I stopped seeing him.
What's the point of subsequently? You can use consequently suitably in any given situation, it's so redundant.

 

[Xeromatosis]

Good psychiatrists are harder to come by then mescaline. So many are stubborn, prideful, and unsympathetic. There are good ones out there though.

It was just change, I can't really explain it.

Nature of the beast with SSRI's i'm afraid. Something that just made you feel better would probably result in dependence anyway. Not to say that nothing will help, sometimes the unexplainable change is better then what you had, stick to your hope!

What's the point of subsequently?

Subsequent just means after or following while consequently implies a causal relationship.

Just take it day by day and things will surely work out
Above all:
Ordem e Progresso~

 

[Captain.Heroin]

There are good ones out there though.

Agreed!

 

[J.Wallace]

I'm gonna write in here today, simply because I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment. I could call a friend, I could message someone online...but nobody really gives a shit. Nobody wants to hear my bullshit. At least on here, one or two people respond and at least pretend to care. Through the wall of text, at least that pretend care can gives a false sense of realism.

Let's start this off on a positive note. Fuck people. Seriously. We are all a bunch of selfish motherfuckers. I'm angry. Depressed. Frustrated. I seriously can't let people get to me anymore. It only leads to these negative emotions. Any happiness I feel, is temporary, it never lasts. I let people into my home, into my head, my heart, and I get royally fucked over. And for reasons I know are not truly their fault, but regardless I feel nothing but anger towards myself and them. Fuck these situations.

I'm no good. I'm not good for anyone. Not even myself. I sit around all day, doing nothing. I can't find work, my life is going nowhere. I simply abuse drugs, all day every day because I know nothing else. I can't bring someone into my life, because every time I do, they see what a nothing I am, and don't stay. I'm a fool. An idiot. Fuck me.

I want to die. But I don't even have the balls to kill myself. On the way home last night, I was at the train station. I was thinking of a kid I knew, who killed himself by jumping in front of the express train. I've thought of doing it before, and was thinking of doing it then. Would it be painful? Would I die instantly? That's all I really want...is to die instantly. Would I be dragged under neath, still alive for some time? Or would the collision simply explode my brain and I wouldn't feel a thing? What about slitting my wrists? I've been trying to think of ways to go out painlessly. As much as I hate myself, I don't want to be laying there in pain as I go out. Would lack of blood be a painful way to go? I mean...organs would shut down...what the fuck would that feel like?

I know these thoughts are bad ones...but their my thoughts nonetheless. I'd share them with people, but nobody wants to deal with a depressed kid. People have problems of their own. Fuck, what now...where do I go from here? I'm simply gonna go back to what I know for now...sitting around, getting fucked up to pass the time, hoping people will eventually give me a chance, maybe someone will show I can have faith in people once again. I'm not gonna get my hopes up...fuck it, it just leaves me let down and depressed over actually thinking something good might happen.

 

[RattleSnake]

I know how you feel, about 2 months ago I was sitting in my room with a knife on my throat, and suddenly it came to me, I don't wanna die, I just want people to fuck off and leave me be, if you want to kill yourself, that means you have nothing to live for, and you regret nothing, if that's how you feel just pack your shit and go, get the fuck out, travel the world, eat what you find in the garbage or steal from a market, live in a forest away from all the shit that is making you wanna kill yourself, life without rules and no one to answer to, unconditional freedom, then after a month of that you'll come back to your life and see life from a new perspective.