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The Suicide support thread

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J.Wallace said:
I'm gonna write in here today, simply because I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment. I could call a friend, I could message someone online...but nobody really gives a shit. Nobody wants to hear my bullshit. At least on here, one or two people respond and at least pretend to care. Through the wall of text, at least that pretend care can gives a false sense of realism.

Let's start this off on a positive note. Fuck people. Seriously. We are all a bunch of selfish motherfuckers. I'm angry. Depressed. Frustrated. I seriously can't let people get to me anymore. It only leads to these negative emotions. Any happiness I feel, is temporary, it never lasts. I let people into my home, into my head, my heart, and I get royally fucked over. And for reasons I know are not truly their fault, but regardless I feel nothing but anger towards myself and them. Fuck these situations.

I'm no good. I'm not good for anyone. Not even myself. I sit around all day, doing nothing. I can't find work, my life is going nowhere. I simply abuse drugs, all day every day because I know nothing else. I can't bring someone into my life, because every time I do, they see what a nothing I am, and don't stay. I'm a fool. An idiot. Fuck me.

I want to die. But I don't even have the balls to kill myself. On the way home last night, I was at the train station. I was thinking of a kid I knew, who killed himself by jumping in front of the express train. I've thought of doing it before, and was thinking of doing it then. Would it be painful? Would I die instantly? That's all I really want...is to die instantly. Would I be dragged under neath, still alive for some time? Or would the collision simply explode my brain and I wouldn't feel a thing? What about slitting my wrists? I've been trying to think of ways to go out painlessly. As much as I hate myself, I don't want to be laying there in pain as I go out. Would lack of blood be a painful way to go? I mean...organs would shut down...what the fuck would that feel like?

I know these thoughts are bad ones...but their my thoughts nonetheless. I'd share them with people, but nobody wants to deal with a depressed kid. People have problems of their own. Fuck, what now...where do I go from here? I'm simply gonna go back to what I know for now...sitting around, getting fucked up to pass the time, hoping people will eventually give me a chance, maybe someone will show I can have faith in people once again. I'm not gonna get my hopes up...fuck it, it just leaves me let down and depressed over actually thinking something good might happen.
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Ff 2 pm me and we can have a pity party 2gether.. Dude, I know exactly how u feel.. I have dreams about putting a gun 2 my head and, well you know.. Dying is like all I can think about anymore, I'm SO miserable..I can't really give u any advice or anything, but pm me for sure.. It's nice 2 have some1 2 rant to who knows how u feel..the othr person I pm here, well it helps to have them to tt..btw thnx x, if u read this..anyway, ur not alone in feeling like u do.
 
We oft think about dying but imagine how miserable & angry you'd be if you found out you were dying slowly of some horrid disease or had lost the gift of health...
 
Maybe some people with some life experience could throw me some advice... I'm young, in my 20s, already had a bad patch with addiction that's just sort've.. tailed rather than stopped. I literally take anything I can get. I do nothing, all day, study sometimes but I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I'm disconnected from everything and everyone. Like everything that's happening is happening behind a screen. How can I learn to.. yknow... exist?
 
kanobo said:
Maybe some people with some life experience could throw me some advice... I'm young, in my 20s, already had a bad patch with addiction that's just sort've.. tailed rather than stopped. I literally take anything I can get. I do nothing, all day, study sometimes but I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I'm disconnected from everything and everyone. Like everything that's happening is happening behind a screen. How can I learn to.. yknow... exist?
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Hi there, kanabo.

I'm in my mid-twenties, have struggled with drug addiction for almost ten years now (am clean 7months at the moment), and too have felt many times the way you have described yourself now.

For me, when I find I lack sincere direction in my life, my tendency is to tank out - to withdrawal from pursuing greater things, from engaging in social and contributive activities, and all of these tendencies feed the feeling of living without purpose.

I find that I lose the will to take care of my most basic needs at this point, as well. For instance, due to a medical event I have been restricted to my house without work or driving for 3 weeks now. I've had little social interaction (aside from AA meetings) during this time, and have grown increasingly withdrawn and depressed. During this time, I stopped caring as much about food, sleep, bathing... I've been a mess. And intrinsically, I know it. And it makes me feel worse.

Yesterday and today, I had to force myself out of bed to take care of the necessities. Shaved myself up, took a shower, ate breakfast (BIG one, unusual for me), worked on my car, took a walk around the block, sat in the sunlight for a bit, and (instead of watching TV) got some mental exercise by picking up a book. I found, to my amazement in most cases, that once I became involved with any particular activity, I soon discovered that I was engaged, motivated, even excited to be *doing* something. Anything, at all. And over the past couple days, that consistency - the sense of having done something, however minute, with my day - has built up momentum. Each day it is easier for me to accept transient boredom (which every human lives with), those spaces of the day where my attention is not particularly focused on anything in particular.

I'm usually uncomfortable with the presence of those periods of time, but am learning slowly that taking my time and being mindful (that is, "present") with whatever it is that I'm currently doing truly helps me to feel as though I am living more with purpose. Mid-20's are a difficult time for a lot of people. It's almost like an adolescence with more hinging on its success or failure. But you are anything but alone, as I'm sure anyone here will be happy to tell you. The fact is, you've got to pick yourself up out of this rut in order to be receptive to the opportunities that life presents you with that may ultimately help to shape your future in positive, fulfilling ways. Patience, diligence.

I hope some of what I said resonates with you :)
<3
~ Vaya
 
Ah, it's like you're in my head. I feel that a lot when I read this forum, which worries me a little. I just... struggle to find that "get up and go" that people seem to have. I'm sure you're no stranger to its elusiveness..
 
No, not at all. It's a bigger concept than, say, riding a bicycle. The two abstractions find one another within the necessity of practice and patience.

Patience as it applies towards existence itself is quite the pill to swallow, but it must be so; existence has the potential to be quite thoroughly more enjoyable, and in the end, is a much more worthwhile endeavor to be patient with. The illusion that it might somehow be without pain, immobility and existential crises is one of the most paramount illusions I believe we, as creatures of self-awareness, are capable of being entrapped within.

~ Vaya
 
And thus, as do I, you need to engage in other behaviors (however mundane!) that will, over time, shake your apathy by shaping a stronger you :)

It really works... Seemingly, at the time, against all reason. I get that. But have faith and be willing to try.
"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."

~ Vaya
 
thanks dude it was a good day in all i started back on zyprexa so i was able to get a good nights sleep for the first time in over 3 months
 
Realizing the last time i experienced true(non-chemically manufactured) happiness was when i was 15-16 with my first girlfriend and wishing oh so badly that i could just hit the restart button on my life, or just call it quits right here and now. I have done nothing for the past year and a half except sit around and get high. All attempts to find a job have been completely unsuccessful due to my lack of experience(only job i had was bagger at a shitty grocery store in high school that has since closed), and at this point i feel so hopeless i barely have the energy to get out of bed. I feel so guilty that I couldn't even tell my dad happy fathers day today because i feel like what i should be saying is "sorry i make it so god damn difficult to be a father". So while a family party went on downstairs i sat in my room in the dark, alone, wishing i could just go back to sleep. I very much look forward to sleep because the crushing loneliness and self-hatred that normally coat every inch of me disappears completely in dreams. I wish I could just dream forever. Someone please tell me i'm not the only one who feels this way.
 
Vent

I just started my membership about 15min ago to talk to someone about how I am feeling and the thoughts going through my head on a daily basis. I just moved back home about 4 months ago and have never felt so depressed in my life. I sit in the house from morning to night and never leave for days, I have no way to. I have no phone so unable to talk to anyone about any of my problems, the only person who ever comes over here is my sister and she is so worried about her own problems she has no time to listen to mine. In the past 4 months I have tried to kill myself 3 times by taking pills. I have OD twice in the past but that was due to drug use and not suicidal thoughts. My depression started when I got out of the military and realize I have nothing to come home to. I have no friends, no family that cares and nothing to do with my time but just sit there and think about everything I'm depressed about. On top of all this I was with a woman for years and was madly in love with her and when I got back she broke it off to have fun. So everything just seems to be crushing down on me, and I know everyone says to tough it out because it gets it gets worse before it gets better. But to me it seems like it keeps just getting worse. But I am done venting and hope for some feed back for once. Thanks for listening
 
Hi Jwilson. I am sorry to hear about how depressed you feel but I can imagine that getting out of the military and coming home must be a huge adjustment. To have your girlfriend drop you as soon as you got home is tough. I am married to a veteran and the period immediately following his service was one of the hardest in his life. There are services available for vets that are having a hard time and I am wondering if you have checked any of them out. If you google Wounded Warrior Project you will get information about their services in your area. They are a wonderful service where vets help other vets (you don't have to be wounded physically) and the specific goal is to help you adjust to life now that your service is over. I really hope that this is something that is available for you.

One of the best things you can do for yourself immediately is to get yourself outside inside instead of sitting inside. Walking or running is a great way to get outside and you get the benefit of the endorphins from the exercise. It also just helps you to feel that you are part of the larger world. Isolation is terrible and feeds depression. If that doesn't work for you is there any outside work you could do around your house that you could pour yourself into?

You can PM me anytime if you feel like you would like to talk more privately. You deserve help and it is out there so don't despair. I'm glad you wrote and reached out--that is a very healthy and proactive way to deal with what you are going through.<3
 
I think ive got it all sorted out, not for another 5 years, ill do it when im 30 and wont be able to compete with the young teenagers at work, and I just need to move out from bex's place so her and her kid just think I moved, lost touch, its better that way. Couple friends but they can be made to think nothing of it too, no family to worry about so that side of things is easy. The only thing is I have to wait for my cat to die coz when I got her I promised her i'd look after her forever, anyway I wouldnt trust anyone else with her, I have molly coddled this cat soo bad for 15 years she wouldnt cope with anyone else, but shes old now it wont be long
 
Thank you for your response. You are right that it is the hardest right when you return to the civilian life. I'm was use to having a set way of living and standards I could judge how good I was doing. Now I am just clueless, I have been keeping up with the physical exercise and it has been doing good to get out of the house. I know I just need to feel like I fit in with the world again to get over this and it will take time. That's what gets me is I have no patients for things. But your post has helped me out a lot and I really thank you. I am going to the VA hospital here to talk to doctor about depression. Thank you again for your advice. :)
 
Libby said:
I think ive got it all sorted out, not for another 5 years, ill do it when im 30 and wont be able to compete with the young teenagers at work, and I just need to move out from bex's place so her and her kid just think I moved, lost touch, its better that way. Couple friends but they can be made to think nothing of it too, no family to worry about so that side of things is easy. The only thing is I have to wait for my cat to die coz when I got her I promised her i'd look after her forever, anyway I wouldnt trust anyone else with her, I have molly coddled this cat soo bad for 15 years she wouldnt cope with anyone else, but shes old now it wont be long
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Libby, I would be devastated without you as a friend. <3
 
i'm so depressed right now i can't hit any of my veins at the moment even though i have a few quite large ones and that is making me a bit suicidal
 
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