-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
The Suicide support thread
- Thread starter n3ophy7e
- Start date
- Status
Ds
Bluelight Crew
why do i continue to fight this battle? here i am been in all sorts of fucking sticky situations and still things have seem to get ahellva lottn worse then the past. sometimes i wish to end it, stop this battle with life. no matter what good i do, i seem to fuck it up one way or another.
who would miss me? like family wise? my mum&dad arnt talkin to me, n neither is my sister n her husband. so it's just me and my problems. why bother still living if all im doing is just ruinging peoples lives that are around me?
I'm an inch away from ending it all, something is keeping me alive. dont know what or who or why, but id wish it would fucking let me go so i can finally rest. tired of this fight, tired of this struggle.
who would miss me? like family wise? my mum&dad arnt talkin to me, n neither is my sister n her husband. so it's just me and my problems. why bother still living if all im doing is just ruinging peoples lives that are around me?
I'm an inch away from ending it all, something is keeping me alive. dont know what or who or why, but id wish it would fucking let me go so i can finally rest. tired of this fight, tired of this struggle.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
D's you sound exhausted. Your family may be frustrated by your addiction and all the complications that surround that but I know they would miss you. You are a great person and you are having a tough time getting your feet on solid ground. Don't give up inside.
maggie_mayhem
Bluelighter
Damn. I feel so down right now. I've been absolutely ashamed of my recent secretive drug use. Stealing pills, shooting up ritalin last night all night... Ugh, I'm sure part of this overwhelming depression is the comedown. Almost out of Kpins too. And weed. I feel just guilty as hell terrible (as I ALWAYS do after a methylphenidate IV binge). The crooks of my arms look terrible. Not the worst it's been, but still. I can't fully open myself to my future husband & lie to him often. I feel horrible doing these things, but I don't think I can be sober. I'm scared. And my 2 yr old son is driving me crazy on top of everything. I'm wondering why I let myself become a mom when I'm so damn selfish. 
^^ maggie I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now. The depression you're feeling would definitely be exacerbated by the methylphenidate binge, so please keep that in mind. The way you're feeling right now WILL pass.
Sorry if this is too personal, but why do you feel you can't be open/honest with your fiancee? You need some kind of support hun, and who better to give that support than the man you love most in the whole world?
Please also remember your son. You can't leave him, he needs you
Please don't try to tell yourself that your family wouldn't miss you. They already miss you, it's breaking their hearts that you're not in their life at the moment, they want you back. But I guess they want the clean, healthy D's back. I know you want that too man, keep working towards it, okay?? Please PM me if you wanna chat, I'm always here for you brother.
Sorry if this is too personal, but why do you feel you can't be open/honest with your fiancee? You need some kind of support hun, and who better to give that support than the man you love most in the whole world?
Please also remember your son. You can't leave him, he needs you
D's, you are still here because it's not your time to go yet. Plain and simple. You're strong enough to keep fighting, you've proven this time and again. You CAN and WILL get through this.
Please don't try to tell yourself that your family wouldn't miss you. They already miss you, it's breaking their hearts that you're not in their life at the moment, they want you back. But I guess they want the clean, healthy D's back. I know you want that too man, keep working towards it, okay?? Please
PM me if you wanna chat, I'm always here for you brother.HippieChick
Bluelighter
sad. sad. sad
Can you still go to heaven if kill yourself? I have a father, an aunt and a grandmother and a grandfather that are on the otherside ... I used to have a friend that I worked with that could see spirits. The only thing on this side, this pitiful existence on this earth is my 6 year old son. He would be devestated.
Can you still go to heaven if kill yourself? I have a father, an aunt and a grandmother and a grandfather that are on the otherside ... I used to have a friend that I worked with that could see spirits. The only thing on this side, this pitiful existence on this earth is my 6 year old son. He would be devestated.
Last edited:
mrflowers00
Ex-Bluelighter
if you believe in religion then you wouldn't go to heaven if you killed yourself so don't kill yourself
zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
I'm not exactly suicidal, just not happy with life and sick of trying. I've fucked up so much, permanently scarred my mind and body, can't do alot of the things I used to. and getting to where I want to be is taking too long. I'm just unsatisfied but too afraid to die. Fear rules my life anymore.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Don't let fear win.
I think the world of you ZAP. You are a great friend, and you can always contact me.
Tryptamine*Dreamer
Ex-Bluelighter
I have become very depressed over the last couple of months. I got on a different antidepressant almost a month ago and things have gone to hell over the last two weeks. I was having lots of suicidal thoughts before this, but now it a plan and I just have to decide a date, assuming I go through with it.
I was put on 20mg of citalopram/Celexa per day, along with continuing trazadone and seroquel.
In the last couple of weeks I've gone from moderately severe depression to intolerable. New symptoms have occurred since as well. I was sleeping okay, now it is 2-4h/night.The suicidal tendencies have increased drastically and I don't know if I can continue to live like this. I am now angry, irritable, and agitated much/most of the time. Even to the point of full blown rage, though this was never directed at any living thing, just inanimate objects or my own body. I can't think as clearly. Thoughts of suicide, death, and sometimes homicide (toward people who have hurt me, but I'm not really going to kill anyone) are constantly going through my mind.
I know exactly how I will end t if I get the courage to do it. I have a cellar. I want to buy a bunch of dry ice and put it in buckets of hot water, then seal the vents and myself inside. Carbon dioxide collects in low places so I can just lie on the bed down there and wait for death by anoxia. I went to the store to get the dry ice today but then changed my mind. I just firmly believe that I will go through with this before long if something doesn't help me, and I am doubtful that there are meds or therapy that can benefit me in any major way. I have an appointment with a shrink on Wednesday and see if she does anything about it. My mom says I should admit myself to a mental institution (one I've been to that was actually not such a bad place) if the shrink can't offer some treatment to provide fast relief. I may or may not do that because all the meds I have used were either total shit or just a little effective. I wish I had kept my mouth shut about suicide but it is hard when you think of nothing else. Now my family knows all about it.
I am not sure what to do. I don't want to just hear people tell me not to end it without considering how miserable I am and have been most of my life. I truly doubt any effective treatment exists for me, I have been on so many meds and medication combos for depression. They always say they'll find something that works but never do. I mentioned all the SSRIs I had been on and their lack of efficacy and that some made me much worse and still they choose to try another SSRI
Does anyone think it is the citalopram/Celexa making it worse? I can't tell. My depression had started rapidly worsening before starting the citalopram.
I also seem to lack a fear of death when on benzos like right now and I could easily see myself ending it while on benzos.
I'm not going to kill myself for a few days at least but I am considering early July some time after the 4th.
I feel that I am also dragging down everyone around me with my negativity, depression, and anger. I know I am upsetting my mom and nephews with my behavior and extreme depression.
I can't hold down a job with this depression, it's been too bad for that for most of my adult life. I won't be able to go to college like this. I am incapable of enjoying anything and don't even listen to music much anymore. There can be no future for me/with-me-in-it if this doesn't end soon.
It is a twisting mental pain and hopelessness that I can't seem to escape from. It just won't end.
I'm not sure why I posted this, I'm not doing it for attention, it just sometimes helps me feel a little better to write of talk about these things.
Actually, I would like to know if anyone experienced what I have after starting Celexa. When I called and said I was getting worse this morning, they increased the dose from 20mg to 30mg, which seems weird to me.
I was put on 20mg of citalopram/Celexa per day, along with continuing trazadone and seroquel.
In the last couple of weeks I've gone from moderately severe depression to intolerable. New symptoms have occurred since as well. I was sleeping okay, now it is 2-4h/night.The suicidal tendencies have increased drastically and I don't know if I can continue to live like this. I am now angry, irritable, and agitated much/most of the time. Even to the point of full blown rage, though this was never directed at any living thing, just inanimate objects or my own body. I can't think as clearly. Thoughts of suicide, death, and sometimes homicide (toward people who have hurt me, but I'm not really going to kill anyone) are constantly going through my mind.
I know exactly how I will end t if I get the courage to do it. I have a cellar. I want to buy a bunch of dry ice and put it in buckets of hot water, then seal the vents and myself inside. Carbon dioxide collects in low places so I can just lie on the bed down there and wait for death by anoxia. I went to the store to get the dry ice today but then changed my mind. I just firmly believe that I will go through with this before long if something doesn't help me, and I am doubtful that there are meds or therapy that can benefit me in any major way. I have an appointment with a shrink on Wednesday and see if she does anything about it. My mom says I should admit myself to a mental institution (one I've been to that was actually not such a bad place) if the shrink can't offer some treatment to provide fast relief. I may or may not do that because all the meds I have used were either total shit or just a little effective. I wish I had kept my mouth shut about suicide but it is hard when you think of nothing else. Now my family knows all about it.
I am not sure what to do. I don't want to just hear people tell me not to end it without considering how miserable I am and have been most of my life. I truly doubt any effective treatment exists for me, I have been on so many meds and medication combos for depression. They always say they'll find something that works but never do. I mentioned all the SSRIs I had been on and their lack of efficacy and that some made me much worse and still they choose to try another SSRI
Does anyone think it is the citalopram/Celexa making it worse? I can't tell. My depression had started rapidly worsening before starting the citalopram.
I also seem to lack a fear of death when on benzos like right now and I could easily see myself ending it while on benzos.
I'm not going to kill myself for a few days at least but I am considering early July some time after the 4th.
I feel that I am also dragging down everyone around me with my negativity, depression, and anger. I know I am upsetting my mom and nephews with my behavior and extreme depression.
I can't hold down a job with this depression, it's been too bad for that for most of my adult life. I won't be able to go to college like this. I am incapable of enjoying anything and don't even listen to music much anymore. There can be no future for me/with-me-in-it if this doesn't end soon.
It is a twisting mental pain and hopelessness that I can't seem to escape from. It just won't end.
I'm not sure why I posted this, I'm not doing it for attention, it just sometimes helps me feel a little better to write of talk about these things.
Actually, I would like to know if anyone experienced what I have after starting Celexa. When I called and said I was getting worse this morning, they increased the dose from 20mg to 30mg, which seems weird to me.
DeathDomokun
Ex-Bluelighter
Ugh my life is so useless, I don't want it.
My actions are futile, there's only one action that would break the cycle.
All my words are meaningless, yet I sit here hitting buttons.
How can this mean anything at all?
My range of emotion is a perpetual cycle of misery, chaotically repeating itself with minor variations.
My existence brings me pain, my life is lacking, and everything is boring. I experience so much tedium.
Everything is dissonant, and uncertain, and bewildering, and just fuck.
I don't value my life, so I can't value my time. I don't value my time, so I can't value my surroundings. I don't value my surroundings, so I can't value my actions. I don't value my actions, so I can't value my future. I don't value my future, because I don't value my present.
I'm just so sick of this. I endure all this shit to no end for no reason. I just exist for existence sake when I don't want to exist.
Why am I still here? Why do I go on?
Why am I testing how much shit I can endure?
Why am I waiting?
I'm listening to 'The Patient' by Tool, even though it's not affecting me in any meaningful way. It's not instilling any emotion, and music is still sounding much more like noise (not the good kind) than music at this point.
Here I am, frittering my time away because I don't want it.
I just don't know... Are things going to get better? Is hope/faith/an idea, is something that doesn't exist worth experiencing all this pain that does exist?
I just don't know..
My actions are futile, there's only one action that would break the cycle.
All my words are meaningless, yet I sit here hitting buttons.
How can this mean anything at all?
My range of emotion is a perpetual cycle of misery, chaotically repeating itself with minor variations.
My existence brings me pain, my life is lacking, and everything is boring. I experience so much tedium.
Everything is dissonant, and uncertain, and bewildering, and just fuck.
I don't value my life, so I can't value my time. I don't value my time, so I can't value my surroundings. I don't value my surroundings, so I can't value my actions. I don't value my actions, so I can't value my future. I don't value my future, because I don't value my present.
I'm just so sick of this. I endure all this shit to no end for no reason. I just exist for existence sake when I don't want to exist.
Why am I still here? Why do I go on?
Why am I testing how much shit I can endure?
Why am I waiting?
I'm listening to 'The Patient' by Tool, even though it's not affecting me in any meaningful way. It's not instilling any emotion, and music is still sounding much more like noise (not the good kind) than music at this point.
Here I am, frittering my time away because I don't want it.
I just don't know... Are things going to get better? Is hope/faith/an idea, is something that doesn't exist worth experiencing all this pain that does exist?
I just don't know..
Suicidal ideations are a common side effect on Citalopram, it's absolutely unbearable for me even after a single low dose. Go back to that doctor, make an urgent appointment and tell them the medication is causing acute suicidal ideations, be persistent. If he tries to prescribe another SSRI, change the doctor and maybe even report him for this to the respective authorities in your country.
It'd would be extremely irresponsible to prescribe another if you tell them how the last one affects you.
If you would've read the package insert or browsed through this forum, you'd know that a lot (!) of people experience this very specific side effect. It is very likely to be caused by the medication, chances are you might not be all that suicidal after all despite your depression. It is hard to believe drugs can cause specific thoughts, but it is known and imho you should start tapering it down asap.
Edit: It causes insomnia for me, too. Doctor told me I will probably sleep better, but that's not the case at all. Much more than a single dose of amphetamine would if I administer either drug in the morning.
Yeah that's exactly how I would describe what happens to me on Citalopram. Feels like I'm being mentally tortured, I honestly couldn't feel much worse on a muchroom trip gone awfully wrong.
Last edited:
Tryptamine*Dreamer
Ex-Bluelighter
Thank you for your very informative response, cROOk. I have an appointment tomorrow with the psychiatrist and I will discuss this with her.
I feel okay at the moment, but I did take some hydrocodone because I really felt I was losing control with intense urges to destroy things and damage my body in any way possible this morning. Even hydrocodone and benzos have mostly been ineffective at stopping the bad feelings and thoughts. I took those things yesterday and was still ready to end it sometime yesterday.
This also has little or nothing to do with any kind of withdrawal. I don't have any physical tolerance to benzos and at most a small hydrocodone tolerance. When I post in the I'm So High thread with pretty high doses of those things, I only do so because it is something I don't do all the time. I don't bother posting about using small amounts.
I hope I can somehow find something to help. I can't tolerate feeling so awful much longer. At least I slept okay last night (5-6 hours).
I feel okay at the moment, but I did take some hydrocodone because I really felt I was losing control with intense urges to destroy things and damage my body in any way possible this morning. Even hydrocodone and benzos have mostly been ineffective at stopping the bad feelings and thoughts. I took those things yesterday and was still ready to end it sometime yesterday.
This also has little or nothing to do with any kind of withdrawal. I don't have any physical tolerance to benzos and at most a small hydrocodone tolerance. When I post in the I'm So High thread with pretty high doses of those things, I only do so because it is something I don't do all the time. I don't bother posting about using small amounts.
I hope I can somehow find something to help. I can't tolerate feeling so awful much longer. At least I slept okay last night (5-6 hours).
Last edited:
Trypt: Glad your feeling alright atm. I cannot add to any info, like that what cROOK has given, so apologies. Seen some of your posts on Bl before this one that had signaled that you were feeling very low. I was sorry to read this.
I DO understand your desire to end your suffering( I seriously am pro-choice in these matters) but I question whether you can get over this(as you do)
please keep on here and dont give up on yourself-I have often felt this way(for various reasons; probably different from yours but no doubt boiling down to alot of similarities at the peak of dispair).
It is a state of dispair that leads to this. States CAN be altered. You are probably aware of this, but the pull of it can be all encompassing at the time- so can be considered dillusional- and by that, I don't mean unreal or false but they are/can be transitory. Please bear this in mind Trypt. Being true to yourself doesn't mean making an ultimate decision based on judging yourself and your past behaviours, in an isolated, certain state of mind.
If anything you sound very punitive toward yourself/your condition. I don't know your story but you obviously have alot of regret for circumstances that were out of your control and it seems you are being overly critical of yourself for them.
I know you are suffering but a healthy and functional means to quell that, is whats needed for you as a human- not some absolute decision to end it(although I totally understand, how you feel that it seems like the only way). Please be compassionate toward yourself; by that I don't mean 'twee' or hypothetically kind but really understanding(logically and emotionally). You are doing unbelievably well, by the sound of your post- your strength is obvious... and that is not a platitude.
Please continue to look for solutions for yourself logically and intuitively.
I know this too. Sorry things are tough for you atm ZAP but so glad you have your head above water somewhat. Strength is something that is borne of fear(it seems to be what you do with it and what you make of it; you attitude toward it after the initial 'knockout')-of that I am certain hun.
Ideas exist!-look around you- look at all the illusory bullshit that came from ideas and also, you'll see the ones that are more meaningful, nourishing-whatever they are; for you. Maybe they aren't so obvious but I rekon thats why we(i) all get so shaken by pain; out of our(my) comfort zone to see the stuff we(i) need to wake up to. Make your faith by what you invest in.
I DO understand your desire to end your suffering( I seriously am pro-choice in these matters) but I question whether you can get over this(as you do)
please keep on here and dont give up on yourself-I have often felt this way(for various reasons; probably different from yours but no doubt boiling down to alot of similarities at the peak of dispair).
It is a state of dispair that leads to this. States CAN be altered. You are probably aware of this, but the pull of it can be all encompassing at the time- so can be considered dillusional- and by that, I don't mean unreal or false but they are/can be transitory. Please bear this in mind Trypt. Being true to yourself doesn't mean making an ultimate decision based on judging yourself and your past behaviours, in an isolated, certain state of mind.
If anything you sound very punitive toward yourself/your condition. I don't know your story but you obviously have alot of regret for circumstances that were out of your control and it seems you are being overly critical of yourself for them.
I know you are suffering but a healthy and functional means to quell that, is whats needed for you as a human- not some absolute decision to end it(although I totally understand, how you feel that it seems like the only way). Please be compassionate toward yourself; by that I don't mean 'twee' or hypothetically kind but really understanding(logically and emotionally). You are doing unbelievably well, by the sound of your post- your strength is obvious... and that is not a platitude.
Please continue to look for solutions for yourself logically and intuitively.
I know this too. Sorry things are tough for you atm ZAP but so glad you have your head above water somewhat.
Strength is something that is borne of fear(it seems to be what you do with it and what you make of it; you attitude toward it after the initial 'knockout')-of that I am certain hun.Ideas exist!-look around you- look at all the illusory bullshit that came from ideas and also, you'll see the ones that are more meaningful, nourishing-whatever they are; for you. Maybe they aren't so obvious but I rekon thats why we(i) all get so shaken by pain; out of our(my) comfort zone to see the stuff we(i) need to wake up to. Make your faith by what you invest in.
Last edited:
Libby
Bluelighter
That's sweet, but I don't believe you, but if it's true you've got 5 years to learn not to be devastated anyway so it'll be ok.Libby, I would be devastated without you as a friend.
Yes. I do think SSRI's and other antidepressants can cause worse depression. I also know that abusing benzos can worsen depression. I am off of everything and I feel so much better that I can't believe I actually tried to kill myself. I have a new grandson due in September for fuck sake. But I got so low that I just could not pick myself up out of it.
I quit everything cold turkey because of the pharmacy program I am in. It hurt like a motherfucker for a little while, but now I'm feeling much more alive and have much more hope for the future, even if the future is all fucked to shreds.
Please don't kill yourself. The suicidal feeling is a feeling. Feelings can and DO change. Don't lay your whole life down for your feelings because they are based on your perception. Your perception will change. I promise you, your feelings are capricious and not to be accepted without first being carefully examined, whether you write a journal, see a psychiatrist, start meditating, or whatever.
You have options. I'm asking you, pleading with you... consider your options and do not be blinded by your feelings. Much love and peace to you.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
That's sweet, but I don't believe you, but if it's true you've got 5 years to learn not to be devastated anyway so it'll be ok.
You don't have to believe me. Why would I lie about that?
Libby
Bluelighter
Uh to make me feel better so I dont kill myself? lol
Lost Ego
Bluelighter
Libby if he didnt care he wouldn't care to stop you from killing yourself. If he didn't care he wouldn't be speaking with you right now. You may not believe it but i care for you as well. You may think we hardly know each other but i've seen many of your posts on here and when you speak, you speak from the heart and your heart is beautiful
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Uh to make me feel better so I dont kill myself? lol
If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't lie to you, and I wouldn't be posting here.
I want you to be in charge of your own life - so I don't wish to influence your actions. I just want you to know how I would feel with one less friend in this world.
- Status