mental-tessy
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 22, 2001
- Messages
- 1,833
What does Speedy Gonzalez put under his carpet?
Underlay
(sorry![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
)
Underlay
(sorry
)
-
🇬🇧 🇸🇪 🇿🇦 🇮🇪 🇬🇭 🇩🇪 🇪🇺
European & African
Drug Discussion
Welcome Guest!
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules -
EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari
The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Harry@Piekarnia
- Start date
- Status
mariacallas
Bluelight Crew
A Test of Memories
THere was this Western Guy who prided himself on having an excellent memory. He once heard of a certain Indian who gained quite a reputation for being a memory expert. Resolved on challenging the native, the guy set off on a journey to the Indian settlement.
Soon after meeting him, he gave the Indian a battery of questions to test his recalling skills. He was amazed as the Indian quickly gave accurate answers but not as much as when the Westerner asked :
What did u have for breakfast on the 8th of September, 1958??
The INdian promptly replied, " Egg??""
The Westerner dumbfoundedly made his exit and travelled back home. He told his friends about it but they only laughed and said that eggs were usual at breakfast and anyone couldve given that answer.
After some 15 years, the Westerner happened to pass by the settlement. He decided to prove his unfaltering memory to recognize faces by approaching the Indian. He raised his hand in the traditional Indian greeting and hailed , "How!"
The Indian thought for a while and said " Scrambled!"
THere was this Western Guy who prided himself on having an excellent memory. He once heard of a certain Indian who gained quite a reputation for being a memory expert. Resolved on challenging the native, the guy set off on a journey to the Indian settlement.
Soon after meeting him, he gave the Indian a battery of questions to test his recalling skills. He was amazed as the Indian quickly gave accurate answers but not as much as when the Westerner asked :
What did u have for breakfast on the 8th of September, 1958??
The INdian promptly replied, " Egg??""
The Westerner dumbfoundedly made his exit and travelled back home. He told his friends about it but they only laughed and said that eggs were usual at breakfast and anyone couldve given that answer.
After some 15 years, the Westerner happened to pass by the settlement. He decided to prove his unfaltering memory to recognize faces by approaching the Indian. He raised his hand in the traditional Indian greeting and hailed , "How!"
The Indian thought for a while and said " Scrambled!"
chEmicalBoy
Bluelighter
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
chEmicalBoy
Bluelighter
A man's in a restaurant. He calls the waiter over and says
"Please taste my soup"
The waiter says
"What's wrong with it? Has it got too much salt?"
The man says “Just taste it."
The waiter says
"It is too hot?"
The man says “Just taste it."
The waiter says “Is it too cold?"
The man says “Just taste it."
The waiter says
"Is there too much pepper?"
The man says “Just taste it."
The waiter says “OK, OK! I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"
The man says
"Taaddaaa!"
"Please taste my soup"
The waiter says
"What's wrong with it? Has it got too much salt?"
The man says “Just taste it."
The waiter says
"It is too hot?"
The man says “Just taste it."
The waiter says “Is it too cold?"
The man says “Just taste it."
The waiter says
"Is there too much pepper?"
The man says “Just taste it."
The waiter says “OK, OK! I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"
The man says
"Taaddaaa!"
FunkyAlfonzo
Bluelighter
how many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
just hwan
just hwan
nowonmai
Bluelighter
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
FunkyAlfonzo
Bluelighter
^^ LOL :D
nowonmai
Bluelighter
A young polar bear strolls over to his father who is fishing and starts plaintively calling to him... "dad... dad..." Eventually his dad turns to him and asks what he wants. "Am I a polar bear, dad?" he asks. His father, irritated at being disturbed, shouts "Yes son, now piss off, I'm busy!"
Dejected, the little polar bear runs into his older sister who's stalking an american tourist. "Sis! Am I a polar bear?" he asks. The tourist hears the noise and bolts leaving the sister meal-less and annoyed. She turns to him and shouts "Yes!! You're a polar bear, now fuck off and stop annoying me!"
The little polar bear is, at this point, a little depressed, so he wanders over to where his mother is having a nap. He nudges her to wake her and when she sees his little unhappy face, she asks what the matter is. He replies "Mum, I just want to know if I'm a polar bear", to which she replies tenderly "Yes, son, of course you are. Why do you ask?"
"Cos I'm fuckin' freezin'"
Dejected, the little polar bear runs into his older sister who's stalking an american tourist. "Sis! Am I a polar bear?" he asks. The tourist hears the noise and bolts leaving the sister meal-less and annoyed. She turns to him and shouts "Yes!! You're a polar bear, now fuck off and stop annoying me!"
The little polar bear is, at this point, a little depressed, so he wanders over to where his mother is having a nap. He nudges her to wake her and when she sees his little unhappy face, she asks what the matter is. He replies "Mum, I just want to know if I'm a polar bear", to which she replies tenderly "Yes, son, of course you are. Why do you ask?"
"Cos I'm fuckin' freezin'"
Bossiney
Bluelighter
where does Kylie Minogue go for her after pub kabab?
Jason Donovan!! 8)
Jason Donovan!! 8)
nowonmai
Bluelighter
lysergication said:
heh... I know this slightly differently.
Q. What's the difference between a duck?
A. One of his legs are both the same.
And another one...
Q. Why does a mouse when he swims?
A. Because the more he does, the much.
nowonmai
Bluelighter
Kid - "mummy - how come I'm black and you're white?"
Mum - "son - given the party that you were conceived at count yourself lucky you don't bark"
Mum - "son - given the party that you were conceived at count yourself lucky you don't bark"
dr seuss
Bluelight Crew
1. What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.
2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight
of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try
not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.
12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the tradesman's.
13. A chav walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the
counter and says "Hi, I'm looking for a job"...
The man behind the counter replies "Your timing is amazing. We've just
got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for
his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big
black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long
but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies
on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year ".
The chav says "You're having me on!"
The man behind the counter says "Well you started it!"
Innit.
2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight
of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try
not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.
12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the tradesman's.
13. A chav walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the
counter and says "Hi, I'm looking for a job"...
The man behind the counter replies "Your timing is amazing. We've just
got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for
his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big
black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long
but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies
on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year ".
The chav says "You're having me on!"
The man behind the counter says "Well you started it!"
StoneHappyMonday
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 10, 2001
- Messages
- 18,084
^^^
LOL, especially at the last one.
I love this thread.
Best thread evah.
LOL, especially at the last one.
I love this thread.
Best thread evah.
mariacallas
Bluelight Crew
i dont get the squid thing but why was i laughing so hard?
What country has the most milk: NEPAL
What country has the most milk: NEPAL
mariacallas
Bluelight Crew
So this man had the chance to talk to God. Oh Lord, he asked : What is a billion dollars worth of money mean to you?
And God replied: Why, just a penny, my Son.
And the man asked: And how about a billion years, what does time mean to you?
And God replied: Why, a billion years is but just a second to me my son.
And so the man again asked: So Lord, can i have a penny please?
And God replied: In a second.
:D
And God replied: Why, just a penny, my Son.
And the man asked: And how about a billion years, what does time mean to you?
And God replied: Why, a billion years is but just a second to me my son.
And so the man again asked: So Lord, can i have a penny please?
And God replied: In a second.
:D
- Status