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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed, sex obsessed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives......... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella
'Mississippi'."
 
13. A chav walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the
counter and says "Hi, I'm looking for a job"...

The man behind the counter replies "Your timing is amazing. We've just
got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for
his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big
black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long
but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies
on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year ".

The chav says "You're having me on!"

The man behind the counter says "Well you started it!"


^^^^^ thats just brilliant =D
 
the inflatable boy got up one inflatable morning to the sound of his inflatable alarmclock. he put on his inflatable clothes and ate his inflatable breakfast. He said good bye to his inflatable mum, grabbed his inflatable bag and went out the inflatable door.

Walking along the inflatable road, past inflatable hedges he saw a glint under an inflatable bush. pulling back the inflatable branches, he saw a knife. Carefully the inflatable boy put the knife into his inflatable bag and, fastening the inflatable zip, continued on his way to his inflatable school.

A few minutes later, the inflatable boy arrived at his inflatable school gates. checking his inflatable watch, he saw he had a little while before inflatable class started. Walking into the inflatable playground he saw a bunch of his inflatable friends playing inflatable football.

He called his inflatable mates over and opened his inflatable bag. Producing the kinfe, his inflatable mates gasped with awe, they had never seen something so sharp. Getting cocky, the inflatable boy started flipping the knife in the air, catching it in an inflatable hand.

At that moment the inflatable headmaster spotted the inflatable boys and started to run over, calling out "Hey! put that knife down boy!". The inflatable boy spun around, eyes wide in horror at being caught playing with the knife.

Taking his inflatable eyes off the knife for just a second, it missed his inflatable hand and stuck in the inflatable ground. Air began ruhing out of the gash in the inflatable ground. Panicking, the inflatable boy grabbed the knife just as the teacher reached the group of boys, and spinning around slashed the inflatable headmaster accross the inflatable chest. air begain to escape from the inflatable headmaster as he clutched his inflatable chest, slowly sinking to his knees, as the inflatable school collapsed around them.

In desperation, the inflatable boy plunged the knife into his own inflatable chest, and began to slide onto the inflatable ground. His deflated headmaster looked at the deflating boy sadly and said...







"You've let me down, you've let your school down, but most of all you've let yourself down."

sorry :D
 
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
 
one for all you reading eating your breaky!!

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One boy is sitting down, having a bowl of Corn Flakes, the other is frantically looking for an item for show-and-tell.
''I know I put it here somewhere'' he says. He then remembers that he put it in the kitchen for safe keeping the night before. He dashes for the kitchen and stops at his brother, still eating his cereal.

''Hey, you found my scab collection.''
 
http://www.iht.com/articles/2004/11/21/business/chav22.html

LONDON

In a stubbornly status-conscious Britain, the chattering classes have discovered a new social subgroup. They are said to loiter in shopping malls, end their sentences with the rhetorical "innit?" and adorn themselves with flashy gold chains, tracksuits and sneakers - along with a lot of Burberry.
 
Not sure if it's already been posted here but can't be arsed to check thru 8 pages to see:
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel So good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this?! He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
 
Ok I found these hilarious,but i have a twisted sense of humour and evry1 else thinks they're awful

What did the strawberry say to the carrot that asked where it lived?
I'm not telling you, you might steal my washing

A man is sitting at a bar and turns round to see a man walking into a pub.A man with an orange for a head. He strikes up a conversation with the orangeheadedman and asks him how he got his orange for a head..
'Well one day I rubbed this lamp and a genie appeared,he told me I could have 3 wishes.My first wish was to have a beautiful wife.My second wish was endless fortunes'
'and the third'?
'Dirrr' says the man pointing to his head 'to have an orange for a head'

....yeah so not really jokes but awful nonetheless:D If anyone found either of these remotely funny please say so I dont feel like the only person in the world that appreciates this kind of 'humour'
 
An Irishman goes to Dublin town hall with the intention of getting his name changed. He waits for some time when finally he goes into the office and speaks to the person in charge of name changes:

"Hello, sir. How may I help you?"
"Wayll, ter be truteful, I'd like to be gettin' me name changed."
"I perfectly understand, Mr...?"
"Mr Shithouse. Peter Shithouse."
"Ahh, I see Mr Shithouse, and what was it you were wanting to change your name to?"
"Eeh... Patrick Shithouse."

*badum tsh*
 
A father came home and found his three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.


A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.


In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.


He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.


He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.


As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"


She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"


"Yes," was his incredulous reply.


She answered, "Well, today I didn’t do it."
 
what do u call a mexican midget?

-a Paragraph....cuz he's too short to be an Essay(esse)




A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
 
A man walks into a pharmacy and says:"I'd like a packet of condoms for my 11 year old daughter." Shocked, the parmacist asks:"Your daughter is sexually active at 11 YEARS OLD!!!!" "Nah" the man replies, "She just lies there like here mother."


boom boom tish.
 
'What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming at him?'

*demented grin* 'HELLO ELEPHANTS!!'

My mate told me that last night. I pissed myself laughing. It's more the way she says it though. And you need the grin.
 
"Best of" country songs

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye!

I Don't Know whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life,Then Number Two On You

I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run - So we're even

Mamma Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting' Better

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight,Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

I'm So Miserable Without You; It's like Having You Here

I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin'On My Back And Cryin' Over You

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Please Bypass This Heart

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer

I Haven't Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

She's Fat, I'm Drunk, It's On.

My cellmate thinks I'm Sexy.
 
Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word “fear,” a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
 
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