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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread

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* Did u hear about the queer deaf mute?
Neither did he.

* Whats the difference between "ooh" and "aah"?
About two inches.

* Whats brown and has holes?
SwissShit.

* What country has the most milk ?
Nepal.
 
man moves into forest land, as he dreams of becoming a hunter.
settles in first day our hunting, he see's a big brown bear, takes aim shots and the bear goes down. He scrambles up to were the bear should be and its gone. Puzzled he looks around, when suddenly he gets a tap on the shoulder. He turnss around to big angry bear standing their now you have been a naughty boy, you have two choices, I eat you now or you turn round and let my do you up the garry (ass). He goes for the shagging and the bear bends him over and does its stuff.
the hunter leaves demoralised swearing to seek revenge on this horny bear.
A week later he decides after broading for too long that he was gonna go back up there with a bigger gun and shoot the bears balls off.
Off he trots and its not long before he comes across the bear again. he takes aim shots anf fires a volley of bullets into the bear. he runs up to were the bear should be and its gone. Suddenly he gets a tap on the shoulder and their stands the bear with a not so happy face. You know the drill the bear says, so the hunter bends over and the bear has his way.
Once again the hunter leaves demoralised and revengeful, after a week of broading he goes and get himself a bazzoka and heads of to blow the head of this perverted bear.
he comes across the bear after much tracking takes aim and fires he is sure the bear got splattered, runs up to teh spot the bear should be and there is no bear, confused he jumps when he gets a tap on the shoulder. He turns round and the bear says
your not hear for the hunting are you
 
inspector smith visits the morgue where he has 3 dead bodies waiting for the paper work to be written up on them. When the covers are pulled back he realises that each of the bodies have a stupid grin on their face, bemused he asks the examiner why they are smiling. 'Well the first man, MR Jackson, he passed away after winning the lottery, 19 million......the second corpse, MR Jones, passed away whilst f*cking Pamela Anderson, he obviously could believe his luck..........and the 3rd corpse, MR Milson, passed away when struck by lightening'. Confused the inspector asked why on earth he was smiling if he was struck by lightening. ' because he thought he was getting his picture taken', replied the examiner
 
FOR HARRY

Little Suzuki

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history:--

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.

"She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke [vomit.]"

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "[California Congressman] Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

(The teacher fainted.) And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"

and Suzuki said, "Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld ,... re Iraq 2004!"
 
I took this dog to the pub with me once, i bet the barman £100 i could make the dog into an engineer, "no way" he said so i kicked the dog in the nuts an when it run off i told the barman he'd just made a bolt for the door!
 
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
 
THE inflatable boy walks into the inflatable classroom and his inflatable
teacher shouts at him immediately: "Billy! I want you to go and see the
inflatable headmaster right now! You know what you've done!"

So Billy walks down the inflatable corridor and asks the inflatable
secretary if he can see the inflatable headmaster.

"Ah, Billy," says the inflatable headmaster. "You know why you're here.
Yesterday you brought a pin to school.

"I want you to know that not only did you let yourself down, you let your
classmates down, you let your teacher down. You let the whole school down!"
 
/\ you love them!!

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While he is at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of
rooms in the house. The next day, right after her hubby sets off, she gets
down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30pm and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor
in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes and he asks what
she
is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
women are dumb by painting the house.
Then he asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies
that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: "for best results put on two coats"
 
MY PROFESSION.

There was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!".
 
/\ yeah!!! :D

(bossiney should really pull her finger out of her ass and post more in general though ;))
 
right then matey!!!!!

A Cucumber, a Pickle, and a Penis

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were all discussing how much their lives suck.
The cucumber says, "I get picked from my home, sliced up, and thrown a salad. My life sucks the most."
The pickle then says, "I get picked from my home, shoved in a jar, submerged in liquid thats smells awful. So my life sucks the most."

The penis then says, "Oh please! My life definitely sucks the most. I get a tarp wrapped over my head, stuck in a wet black hole, and rammed against a wall until I vomit."
 
Two blind lesbians walking down the street with there hands in each others pockets. A passer-by asks
'what are you doing'...they replied...
'what does it look like, were lip reading'
 
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