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The Joke Thread

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Miss Universe's last Question

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman........

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro(Bull)
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth.

Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your Country?
Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door.

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms India: Because it works day and night......

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft.

Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ In Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over.

Question: Ms China, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms China: Well, I can say that male organs in China are like a space plane.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms China: Because it brings you to paradise within few minutes........
 
Mexicans

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

"Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".

He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white boy."

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Look granny, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"

To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans."
 
There is a husband and wife, and the husband has been having trouble sleeping of late due to the bed getting uncomfortable, so one day when the wife is out he searches under the mattress, and finds ten grand and half a dozen eggs. The man is puzzled so he asks his wife about this, and she says; 'every time time you fail to satisfy me in bed i put an egg under the bed'

The man thinks about this and goes, 'Hmm, only six eggs, that aint bad, but what about the ten grand?'

To which she replies, 'every time I get a dozen I sell them'!
 
***Rodney Dangerfield's 21 best 1 liners***

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap when he was in the electric chair.
 
One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said,
"I wish that the bear was gay."
 
Whats the difference btween a test tube baby & a marble?
u cant pick up a marble with a pitchfork


Whats the similarity btween a test tube baby & a lightbulb?
they both scream when u plug em in


what woz 9/11?
a crash in realestate!

How do you find a fat girls cunt?
Flip through the folds until you smell shit, then go back one
 
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Whats disgusting?
Ten dead babys in 1 bin.

Whats even more disgustin?
One dead baby in ten bins

Whats even funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.

What do you call a cunt on top of cunt on top of a cunt on top of a cunt?
A block of flaps.

A man goes to the doctor with a severly stretched and torn arsehole, about 2 feet dilated. The doctor says "Good god man, what the hell happened to you?" The man, sobbing with embaressment and pain says "An elephant raped me".
The doctor says "Yes, but elephants have extremely small penises". "Yeah, i know" says the man, "he fingered me afterwards".

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. One to change the lightbulb, four to suck my cock.
 
An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I got two hunat dollars fo yen, today I only get hunat eighty".

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too"
 
^^^ lol.

I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving me a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a biro sucking d**khead.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse crap.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes...The more I abused him, the more infringement notices he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
 
Pepper & Orgasms

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped you nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."


beth, nora, nori, marianne, olive ---- you like ??
 
Where does a general keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.


Bona fide classic folks, write it down :D
 
not really that shit, I thought it was a classic!

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and
asks..........

'How many is a Brazillion ??!'
 
Dave the Scouser is touring the US on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He's chatting to the bartender when he spies an old Indian sitting in the corner - complete with full tribal gear, long white plaits and wrinkled face.

'Who's he?' asks Dave.

'That's the Memory Man,' says the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'

So Dave wanders over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks:

'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man, instantly.

The tourist is amazed.

'Who did they beat?'

'Leeds,' comes the reply - again, quick as a flash.

'And the score?'

The wise brave does not hesitate: 'Two-one.'

Thinking that details may fox him, Dave tries something more specific.

'Who scored the winning goal?' he asks.

The Red Indian doesn't even blink: 'Ian St John.'

The Liverpudlian is flabbergasted and, returning home, he regales his relatives and friends with his tale. But it's not enough - and soon he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man. Ten years later he's saved enough money, and returns to the US. After weeks of searching through the towns of Nevada, Dave finds the Memory Man in a cave in the mountains - older, more wrinkled, resplendent in his warpaint and headdress. Humbled by this vision, the scouser steps forward, bows and greets the brave in the traditional native tongue:

'How.'

The Memory Man squints at him. 'Diving header in the six-yard box,' he says.
 
andythetwig said:
Dave the Scouser is touring the US on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He's chatting to the bartender when he spies an old Indian sitting in the corner - complete with full tribal gear, long white plaits and wrinkled face.

'Who's he?' asks Dave.

'That's the Memory Man,' says the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'

So Dave wanders over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks:

'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man, instantly.

The tourist is amazed.

'Who did they beat?'

'Leeds,' comes the reply - again, quick as a flash.

'And the score?'

The wise brave does not hesitate: 'Two-one.'

Thinking that details may fox him, Dave tries something more specific.

'Who scored the winning goal?' he asks.

The Red Indian doesn't even blink: 'Ian St John.'

The Liverpudlian is flabbergasted and, returning home, he regales his relatives and friends with his tale. But it's not enough - and soon he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man. Ten years later he's saved enough money, and returns to the US. After weeks of searching through the towns of Nevada, Dave finds the Memory Man in a cave in the mountains - older, more wrinkled, resplendent in his warpaint and headdress. Humbled by this vision, the scouser steps forward, bows and greets the brave in the traditional native tongue:

'How.'

The Memory Man squints at him. 'Diving header in the six-yard box,' he says.
Click to expand...



:D Quality
 
Whats the differance between a Ford Focus and a chained up school girl









I don't have a ford focus in my garage

also works ( more commonly) as a pile of dead babies joke
 
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and the beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."
 
its a long one.........

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leant against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife........."F*ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral
 
not really a joke but.........

fucking funny as you like!!! :D

ha_ha_gurn.jpg
 
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