• 🇬🇧󠁿 🇸🇪 🇿🇦 🇮🇪 🇬🇭 🇩🇪 🇪🇺
    European & African
    Drug Discussion

    Welcome Guest!
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread - Try and make it funny, eh?

090110-not-funny.jpg
 
Two girls are talking.

- What's new?
- I bought new pet.
- O, really? That nice. What kind of pet?
- A skunk.
- Skunk? Why the hell you bought skunk?
- You know...how to tell this...girl, I just can't explain you how fuckin good he is in lickin pussy.
- Yeah? But what about stink?
- Well, he was puking for two days, but now he got used to this.
 
My little bro told me this one when I went home. It's only effective when speaking aloud, so try it on someone.

"Say 'addicted' after every statement I make. Alcohol can get you..."
"Addicted."
"Smoking can get you..."
"Addicted."
"Heroin can get you..."
"Addicted."
"Last night what hit your face..."
"Addicted"

I was creased with laughter in the car.
 
Just watching real Madrid vs bayern Munich......
Haven't been this nervous about a semi since Brokeback Mountain.....
 
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says '' If any of you are Paedophiles you can fk off down to Hell'' 9 of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you''

Husband finishes reading the book ' Be the man in you own home' He calls to his wife and said ''From now on my word is law. You will cook me a gourmet meal tonight and afterwards we will have the kind of sex that I want starting with Anal. You will bathe me as I relax,towel me dry and massage my feet ready for a good nights sleep. Tomrrow take a guess at who will dress me and comb my hair'' The wife replied ''The fkn funeral director would be mt first guess''

Because of the severe weather conditions in the UK at the moment the Government has issued this warning. Anyone travelling in snow or icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf, hat, and gloves, 24 hour food supply 3 ltr drinking water, de-icer rock salt, flash light, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can and a set of jumper cables. I looked a right Twat on the bus this morning!!!

A local Pakistani won 3 million on the lottery last week. After sharing it between members of his family they each walked away with £4.50.

A wise man once told me to ignore anything that comes out of a womans mouth, unless it needs wiping and putting back in your pants.
A man goes into confession after a 20 year absence. As he sits in the booth he looks around and says to the Priest ''The old confessional has realy changed father, I dont remember a leather chair, Guiness on tap and Gay porn mags being in the booths 20 years ago'' The Priest said '' Thats because your in my fkn seat''

What do a blowjob and a woolly jumper have in common?? They both feel rough when you get them from your Granny.

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath ? Answer. Throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said '' I dont find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fit's'' I said '' Sorry mate did he drown'' No he said '' he choked on a sock ''

I was in the gym yesterday and I said to my trainer ''Which machine can I use to impress that good looking blonde over there '' He looked at me and said '' Try the cash machine outside you fat Twat ''

Visited a brothel and asked ''How much for Anal'' She said £60 ''Too much I said, far too expensive I will just leave it'' She said ''Fkn tight arse'' ''Oh go on then'' I said.

My Mum walked in on me masturbating. I wish she would stay in her own room doing it!

For years I thought my Wife had Tourettes, but apparently I am a fat twat and she really does want me to Fuck Off

Its my black stepson's birthday today and I'm going to give him a little treat by leaving an extra £10 note in my jacket pocket.

The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

After landing myself in Jail I spent the first 4 hours getting shagged up the arse. My Dad takes Monopoly way too seriously.

8 year old boy asks his local Priest if Wanking gives you muscles. Rather surprised the Priest replied ''I don't think so my son but don't stop I'm about to cum!!



4 things to remember when entering a Mosque (1) Shoes off (2) Socks off (3) Sawn off (4) Safety off....


Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay'' Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you'' Other son said ''Me too Dad'' Dad said Fck me doesn't anyone in this Fkin family like Pussy Daughter said ''I do''

Wife said to me what were you doing on the computer last night. Looking for cheap flights I said. She got all exited and told me she loved me, unzipped my pants and gave me the best blowjob ever which is very odd because she's never shown any interest in darts before.

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you. He is in Prison.

That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to tell the wife to sit on my face.

A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.

Had a game of golf with the wife at the weekend and ended up shanking my tee shot and driving my ball up the wife's arse. Took her to the Doctors and he said ''Fk me that's up a fairway''

Shagged my best mates wife last night and today I feel like shit. She must have had the flu or something.

Anal sex is a lot like my first car.I didn't really want it but my uncle gave it to me anyway.

The wife came out of the bathroom and said ''I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you'' I said ''Yeah the fkn plug hole is blocked again''

Dear Abbie. I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert?

A little kid said to me ''what's your favourite Telly Tubby'' I said ''Probably the Samsung 42 inch flat screen you cheeky little Bastard.

My mate's been married for 20 years and in all that time she was a chronic thumb sucker. He tried everything to make her stop but nothing worked,so I took her aside and with my Biro I drew a cock on her thumb.
Job done!!!!

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement. That's when I thought ''Fkin hang about !!!!''


I think only the Brits will understand this one.
A Geordie goes with a prostitute from Wigan. Drops his pants, gets his cock out and the lass says.''By eck that's a gud un'' He says.''What's a Gud un''She replies ''It means a big one'' She drops her knickers and he says
''Wyey bonny Lass that's a canny un'' She says ''What's a canny un'' He replies.''A fkn big valley that cowboys ride through''

I saw my mate Charlie this morning,he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted ''Where you off to Charlie'' he said ''I'm off to change a light bulb'' Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. I said''That's gonna be a bit awkward init'' ''Not really'' He said.''I still have the receipt you Fkin insensitive bastard''

Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair growth. That explains why some men have hairy knuckles, but its got me wondering about my Grannies moustache!!

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
 
Did you here about the Portuguese man that locked his keys in his car?..............................It took him 3 hours to get his family out of it
 
While leaving church on Sunday 2 altar boys go running by me drop their pants and stick their pecker's in the snow. I asked what the hell they were doing. They told me father likes a couple cold ones after mass.
 
Last edited:
Roy Hodgson has been arrested in Asda for stealing kitchen utensils. He pleaded, "It was a wisk I had to take."

I'm not saying my mate has a bad stammer, but he went to the shop to buy a Mars bar and came out with 35 packets of M&M's.
 
While sitting at my neighborhood pub the other night an Asian man never in the pub before arrives. He pulls up a stool and says to the bartender who is black " Hey nigger give me a beer? " Everyone in the bar amazed turns to see what happens and surprisingly the bartender shrugs it off. The Asian man finishes his beer and asks for another in the same rude arrogant language. The bartender pissed but manages to keep his cool and says to the man "How would you like it if our roles were reversed?" The Asian man gladly agrees and hops behind the bar. The bartender pulls up the only empty stool and says "Hey chink give me a drink?" The Asian man swiftly responds wth "Sorry , we don't serve niggers here"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top