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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread - Try and make it funny, eh?

what a lucky seal

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Mugz, did you mean slug? Because I think I've heard that before as slug (in which case it makes more sense, really, the 'red all over' part anyway) and T and G are awful close to each other. In which case you should be ashamed of your gastropodophobia.
 
Apart from Humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a Dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.
 
Kerstin Fritzl, the 19 year old incest daughter of Josef has made an amazing recovery and was recently spotted clubbing in Play inverness.
However, after listening to YMCA and other commercial shit, she declared she prefers underground dance music.
 
I was outside the school, eating a Kitkat, when i said to a small group of girls

"Anyone fancy a finger?"

And that your honour, is why it was consensual.
 
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tyres this morning which made me late for work..

Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
 
Vader said:
"Half-caste" is a pretty offensive, outdated term, "mixed race" is more appropriate, but given the context it hardly matters. "Racist" is a vague term- does the joke suggest that you believe black or mixed race people to be inherently inferior to some other race, or that you have a deep-seated hatred of them? No. Is it a joke that you'd be comfortable telling in the presence of a mixed race person? I'd wager not. It's in pretty poor taste, and probably not funny enough to warrant the racism. It's also interesting that you worry about it being a racist joke, but not sexist, when it's at least as misogynistic as it is racist. Put it this way, I'd advise not telling that joke in a situation where you're not anonymous, or at least not around strangers.


Porn has the effect of giving you an unrealistic expectation about what to expect from men? Speak for yourself, I've not had that problem.
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Vader I love you :D
 
Oooft new material

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. They get really pissed when you ask them for a coat hanger.


My uncle always boasts that he can pleasure himself for hours and hours. I wish he wouldn't rub it in my face.


Ever tried anal sex? It's fucking shit!


If someone with a baby sits next to me on a plane, I smile politely and say "I'm legally obligated to tell you I'm a level 3 sex offender."


Girls love surprises. Girls love sex. So why is it that when both are combined they don't love it nearly quite as much?


this whole site http://memegenerator.net/tier/legendary is full of banter like been sat chatting to baron_greenback from here on facebook in absolute stitches all night, lethal material added and encorperated into the bag of tricks for next time I'm tuned in %)
 
^Some good ones there lol

An American tourist was on an open top bus tour, in the east of Belfast.

As they past Harland and Wolff, the tour guide says ''And, on your right, there's Harland and Wolff, where the Titanic was built. Back then Harland and Wolff had an exclusively Protestant workforce''.

''Where were all the Catholics?'' said the American tourist.

''Oh, well they were in west Belfast..building the iceberg''

It's old I know, but I always liked it :D
 
This one made me laugh!

***THE GAMBLER***

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
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‎3 Mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who's the hardest...
Aberdeen Mouse says:
"I go up to mousetraps, rip the cheese oot & as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times & throw it across the room!"
Edinburgh Mouse says: "YOU POOF!" "I get rat poison, crush it into powder & snort it!" Glasgow Mouse finishes his beer, gets up & walks to the door... "Where are you going?" Asked the other 2? "home to shag the Cat!
 
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