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Sober and sad..

I think I'm almost ready to quit again. Everyone around me has been pushing me and while I may not know much I DO know that *I* have to be the one to decide I want to quit; if I'm being forced to do it then I will almost certainly relapse again.

A few weeks ago, I sat and I seriously contemplated suicide. I thought that that might be easier than dealing with everything and everyone. I know, now, thinking with a clear head that that's a selfish and ridiculous choice. Between my spirituality, long walks, meditating and talking to those around me with 100% honesty, I've really been maintaining a good mental state. I'm playing with my daughter, I'm cooking for my family, I actually want to get out of the house. I feel like that this will be positive when I jump again.

Yes, I'm still using. But I'm preparing myself to stop and I think I'm almost there.

I hope all you good lookin' people are doing well!
 
Don't give up we can get thru this. I relapsed after almost over a month clean and now I'm going through tough withdrawals. I'm on day 2 and I know it gets better. Much love to you.
 
You are absolutely right that no one can make you get sober. If you let others lead you around by the nose you will never find the strength you need to do it on your own.
 
Well said manboychef.

Missjay, hope you know that you are already better armed to combat relapsing as you know you can quit and handle the withdrawals as you have been there and done that already. Also you are doing it for you instead just because someone else said to do it so you'll eventually be able to stay sober. If you relapse again you just try harder next time and get through thinking about why it happened. It is not a big deal.

I have quitted few times before and wasn't ready to quit real before now and I am doing hell of a better job than before as I think I have found the right reasons and have enough support now. If I relapsed I'll be pissed but I'll try to take advantage of it somehow in order to not relapse next time.
 
missjay said:
I think I'm almost ready to quit again. Everyone around me has been pushing me and while I may not know much I DO know that *I* have to be the one to decide I want to quit; if I'm being forced to do it then I will almost certainly relapse again.

A few weeks ago, I sat and I seriously contemplated suicide. I thought that that might be easier than dealing with everything and everyone. I know, now, thinking with a clear head that that's a selfish and ridiculous choice. Between my spirituality, long walks, meditating and talking to those around me with 100% honesty, I've really been maintaining a good mental state. I'm playing with my daughter, I'm cooking for my family, I actually want to get out of the house. I feel like that this will be positive when I jump again.

Yes, I'm still using. But I'm preparing myself to stop and I think I'm almost there.

I hope all you good lookin' people are doing well!
Click to expand...

Best of luck hun, you can do it! <3
 
manboychef said:
You are absolutely right that no one can make you get sober. If you let others lead you around by the nose you will never find the strength you need to do it on your own.
Click to expand...

Remember that this is all part of the process and you just need to start over. You can do it! You have done it once and you can certainly do it again! Good luck!!
 
w0w0mg said:
Don't give up we can get thru this. I relapsed after almost over a month clean and now I'm going through tough withdrawals. I'm on day 2 and I know it gets better. Much love to you.
Click to expand...

I won't give up if you won't. I'm so glad you decided to quit again after relapse. As we know, things get better with each passing day. You'll be over that horrible "hump" before you know it. Much love.
 
manboychef said:
You are absolutely right that no one can make you get sober. If you let others lead you around by the nose you will never find the strength you need to do it on your own.
Click to expand...

I honestly think that was part of my problem this last time. I was ready, I wanted to, but I also had people who didn't understand in my ear telling me NOW. Not only that, but those same people questioned and made me question my withdrawal symptoms, my PAWS, the time frame of how I was feeling. I was in the middle of withdrawal and I was made to feel like I should have been completely over it. But, like I said, I'm in a much better head space this time around and I know what I know no matter what anyone else says.
 
MrRoot said:
Well said manboychef.

Missjay, hope you know that you are already better armed to combat relapsing as you know you can quit and handle the withdrawals as you have been there and done that already. Also you are doing it for you instead just because someone else said to do it so you'll eventually be able to stay sober. If you relapse again you just try harder next time and get through thinking about why it happened. It is not a big deal.

I have quitted few times before and wasn't ready to quit real before now and I am doing hell of a better job than before as I think I have found the right reasons and have enough support now. If I relapsed I'll be pissed but I'll try to take advantage of it somehow in order to not relapse next time.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much. Being told here on BL that I'm not a failure for relapsing, that I CAN get clean, that I'm not bad or wrong.. it all helps me so, so much. More than any of you will probably ever know.
 
Erikmen said:
Remember that this is all part of the process and you just need to start over. You can do it! You have done it once and you can certainly do it again! Good luck!!
Click to expand...

Thank you so much! I definitely feel more prepared this time around. &, as mentioned, I already know what I'm going to go through so there isn't that feeling of impending doom and unknowingness. I know I can make it past 30 days.. now it's a mission, almost, to get past THAT.
 
missjay said:
Thank you, Captain! For some reason, I can't add a fucking heart, so.. pretend there is a heart here.
Click to expand...

Sure you can sweetie! ;)

Just do it this way:

<

then

3

right next to each other. Try that.

It should also be on the smiley face menu.

If you can't get that menu to work, you can try the full site version (are you on a mobile phone?)
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Sure you can sweetie! ;)

Just do it this way:

<

then

3

right next to each other. Try that.

It should also be on the smiley face menu.

If you can't get that menu to work, you can try the full site version (are you on a mobile phone?)
Click to expand...

I'm on my MacBook, so I'm on the full site. It would show up in my sentence when I typed it, but when I posted it.. it kept disappearing. Lets try this again.. In theory, there should be a heart right hereeee <3
 
CAPTAIN. Fucking finally. I don't like being shown up by my laptop.. that damn heart needed to be seen. LOL.
 
Reading through this, it is all SO motivational and really hitting home. Really been struggling lately with trying to find happiness in everyday life.. trying to re learn to do the menial, every day tasks I did, but while sober ( house chores, going to work, even paying bills).
It's hard.
 
Guys.. I'm having a really bad night. Even after Xanax, my Anxiety is through the roof. I only took one pill today, because I'm so fucking ready to be done with this shit. I took a few Gabapentin, so I feel like I'm fine physically but mentally? No. Not at all. I know this is completely normal, but it doesn't make it any easier. My husband works nights and the baby is asleep .. I'm home alone and that makes things 100 percent WORSE. I get even more depressed and anxious when I'm alone. I just want to cry. Fuckkkk.

Sorry for the rambling vent.. I'm sure it doesn't make sense and contains a ton of spelling and grammar errors. I just needed to vent to people that actually understand what I'm going through..
 
pmaczilla said:
Reading through this, it is all SO motivational and really hitting home. Really been struggling lately with trying to find happiness in everyday life.. trying to re learn to do the menial, every day tasks I did, but while sober ( house chores, going to work, even paying bills).
It's hard.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry you're struggling. I know exactly what you're going through. I found it really hard to find anything at all enjoyable.. even things I really enjoyed before I was a user. I've always taken pride in being a stay at home mom/housewife and I was so used to doing everything high it all seemed pointless sober. It was so hard. I was only sober for a little over a month, but I can tell you that day by day getting back into your normal routine DOES get easier. It isn't *always* easy, it's a constant work in progress.. but the more you just DO it, the more "normal" it becomes.

You can do this!! I promise you can. I'm here, and so is everyone else on BL. I've found so much support here it's crazy.. I'd have never been sober as long as I was if it wasn't for these amazing people.
 
Hey baby girl, Anxiety can be a bitch. Different people react differently and the way each person copes is as unique and individual as themselves. Some find a quiet space others find distraction to work. My ex needed to lie on his back with his legs in the air resting on a wall above him to help him through an attack.

If you fancy someone to chat to my messenger is below my avatar and stats on the bottom left of my post. I'm usually kickin about. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem halved.

You can get through this love. I know it doesn't make things better for now just know that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS <3

If you feel as though you can't get through this on your own just remember, there is always someone here to offer you their hand to hold. xxx
 
Thank you so much missjay. It's always reassuring to know you aren't alone in your fucked up thoughts. The guilt is just so immense, it makes it all worse.
But, it gives me hope. I'm 23, I don't want to be 40+ years old and still hustling for dope every day. .
also, new to bluelight
 
Sadie said:
Hey baby girl, Anxiety can be a bitch. Different people react differently and the way each person copes is as unique and individual as themselves. Some find a quiet space others find distraction to work. My ex needed to lie on his back with his legs in the air resting on a wall above him to help him through an attack.

If you fancy someone to chat to my messenger is below my avatar and stats on the bottom left of my post. I'm usually kickin about. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem halved.

You can get through this love. I know it doesn't make things better for now just know that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS

If you feel as though you can't get through this on your own just remember, there is always someone here to offer you their hand to hold. xxx
Click to expand...

Thank you so much. You've brought tears to my eyes. The constant support and outreach in this forum makes me so emotional.. in a good way. I've never felt as understood as I do here. In my own home, I feel like noone truly understands or accepts what I'm going through. Here, at Bluelight, I don't feel that way. I don't feel looked down on. I don't feel stupid. I feel accepted and I feel cared for. I finally feel like I'm understood, at least in certain lights. I can't do this alone.. so be ready to hold my hand alot. Thank you again, sweetheart..
 
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