Sober and sad..

[missjay]

You did it!

Hope you're having a great day sweetie. I'm experiencing a small cold

Today was better. But for me, emotionally, night-time is always the worst.. so we'll see. Sorry you're sick, sweetie. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[missjay]

I'm so scared that, sober, I'll never be 100% happy. Am I always going to be miss getting high? Will I ever look forward to things like I did high.. or even like I did before I ever started to use? Can I keep my shit together and make my already rocky marriage work with all of this added emotional distress?? Fuck.

 

[Sadie]

You'll make it there missjay. Sometimes you need to vent, well then vent here, sometimes you'll need a hand to hold, ask for one here.

It seems daunting but, I know it sounds cliche but, take each day at a time and celebrate and appreciate all the small joys and victories that come your way.

Set aside some time for yourself as well. Meditation, pampering what ever you wish. Perhaps a chapter in a good book or just some music. Music is a good way for me to feel more positive. Turn up the choons and dance like a loon when I'm alone. You need to be happy if you want to be there for others.

For once, put yourself first and if you want it, we'll be here every step of the way.

Chin up hunnie there is so much beauty in the world. Take a moment and appreciate it but more importantly, appreciate yourself. You're doing well. Baby steps darlin xxx

 

[pmaczilla]

Just want to mention, the support from this thread and others, gave me the courage to reach out to someone for my problem. Went to a meeting last night for the first time, had a great heart to heart with a close family friend who has been through a similar situation. Just wanted to say thanks!

 

[manboychef]

No person is meant to always be happy. Life is a long series of boring moments interspersed with brief spikes of happiness and sadness. Just hold onto whats good, and disregard whats bad.

 

[simco]

Just want to mention, the support from this thread and others, gave me the courage to reach out to someone for my problem. Went to a meeting last night for the first time, had a great heart to heart with a close family friend who has been through a similar situation. Just wanted to say thanks!

That's awesome, @pmczilla! I'm so glad to hear it. Sounds like a big weight off your shoulders. Congrats.

 

[pmaczilla]

That's awesome, @pmczilla! I'm so glad to hear it. Sounds like a big weight off your shoulders. Congrats.

thanks bro! It is indeed. Feelin just as hopeful on day one as I do now. So fuckin stoked to be free of these chains.

 

[manboychef]

thanks bro! It is indeed. Feelin just as hopeful on day one as I do now. So fuckin stoked to be free of these chains.

That is an amazing feeling. I know for myself, the moment I was able to let go of all the shame and guilt I felt reborn. I don't know about anyone else, but I always felt an intense amount of guilt in using. Now that I don't use, I only feel guilty for existential nonsense with the way I was raised.

 

[pmaczilla]

That is an amazing feeling. I know for myself, the moment I was able to let go of all the shame and guilt I felt reborn. I don't know about anyone else, but I always felt an intense amount of guilt in using. Now that I don't use, I only feel guilty for existential nonsense with the way I was raised.

Oh yes.. the guilt.. I can relate to that 100%.
It's so freeing to be rid of it all, and everything that comes with that lifestyle. Like you said, a reborn feeling.

 

[manboychef]

Tread lightly my friend. You are very new to sobriety. PAWS can hit you sporadically. I know for myself, I always would end up using during severe paws episodes. Generally the episodes would be tied to my guilt. One thing that helped me was something that [MENTION=276338]neversickanymore[/MENTION] gave me as advice. Shame is a worthless feeling. Get rid of it as fast as you can.

 

[belfort]

I am almost 30 days (23 to be exact) clean from a nasty opiate habit. I quit cold turkey with no help, just moral support. Minus body aches, I'm basically past all of the physical withdrawal symptoms. But I am FUCKED mentally. I was depressed with extreme anxiety before, but this is a whole new beast. I'm on depression medicine and anxiety medicine.. but I still have this horrible, horrible feeling inside. I'm sad. I'm pissed off. I want to use. I feel like I have no purpose. Etc. Etc. Etc. It comes and goes, but is dominant in my life.. especially at night. I DON'T want to relapse, but my mind is telling me it's the only thing that will help. I know an adjustment of my medications may be the answer but obviously that isn't what my mind is telling me. Help.. How long will this last? What can I do? I feel like my family is getting tired of me; I heard my sister make a nasty "she's always so pissed off" comment yesterday. I'm just.. Sigh..

depressed with extreme anxiety?sounds about right in opiate withdrawals..i would avoid all energy drinks and caffeine, this will help minimize anxiety and mood plunges..exercise if you can for as long as u can every day..get some sunlight if possible..i just remember for months after opiates just being a zombie with anxiety..mood was low, energy was nowhere to be seen..theres only so much u can do but just ride it out..medications may help but it just takes time, a lot of it for your brain to heal..opiate addiction is just awful

 

[belfort]

to the OP- this feeling you are feeling... its what I would always experience after getting clean and would be the reason id relapse, countless times it would happen

unfortunately the depression will not go away for months, actualy many people say after 2 years is when people simply start to feel A LITTLE BIT BETTER

Im backon suboxone maintenance so I don't have to deal with that crippling depression, believe me Ive tried so many times but just couldn't live. What kind of life is being depressed 24/7? Just think "oh it get better some day" fuck that thats no way to live imho.. so OP just my personal advice, get on a suboxone maintenance program

i hate to admit it but this was true fr me as well when i quit methadone..16 months after i quit and i was still tired, depressed and just lifeless..i was being told to just keep fighting it and im like ugghh..feeling like that just erodes your sanity..

 

[manboychef]

^^^It so does erode the sanity. It took me a solid year to start having motivation again. Even now at a year and a half I still have days that the anxiety and fear gets to me. It does get better so hold on!

 

[pmaczilla]

^^^It so does erode the sanity. It took me a solid year to start having motivation again. Even now at a year and a half I still have days that the anxiety and fear gets to me. It does get better so hold on!

I hope so..

 

[somnilicious]

i hate to admit it but this was true fr me as well when i quit methadone..16 months after i quit and i was still tired, depressed and just lifeless..i was being told to just keep fighting it and im like ugghh..feeling like that just erodes your sanity..

Belfort... May I ask how long you have been clean? What was your using history? Are you still clean? I only ask because I am hitting a year clean from methadone and benzos and I am experiencing a lot of the same things you mention in your posts.. Lack of motivation.. anhedonia. This is after 17yrs of almost constant opiod(oxycontin,heroin and methadone) abuse.. 12 of those years were spent on and off methadone. I am having a very difficult time and I am doing everything I can to hold on. I don't want to use but I do admit that at this moment I feel if this were to be my new reality, then I might have to consider suicide a real possibility. I don't mean to hijack the thread and perhaps I will make my own but I have really been struggling lately. Finding it hard to even get out of bed.

It's not all bad but my good days are only when I am able to accept that my new reality is this deflated, unmotivated, anhedonic world.. I am finding it harder and harder to just accept this reality everyday. I need somebody... Words of encouragement... Hope... a pat on the back.. I don't know? I really need a window soon. Love you guys...

-Somni

 

[manboychef]

It's not all bad but my good days are only when I am able to accept that my new reality is this deflated, unmotivated, anhedonic world.. I am finding it harder and harder to just accept this reality everyday. I need somebody... Words of encouragement... Hope... a pat on the back.. I don't know? I really need a window soon. Love you guys...

-Somni

Acceptance is key somni. It is going to take a while to get back to being motivated, as well as finding enjoyment without drugs. Think about it. It took twelve years of balls to the walls use to get you where you were. It is going to take more than a year to get back to where you want to be. I will say this though, I have a year and six months and I am quite a more motivated man than I was six months ago. It gets better with time and hard work. One thing that has really helped me is doing something I love everyday. Having the routine of doing things you dislike (working, dealing with exes, paying bills etc) is only acceptable when you get into a positive routine (working out, watering a garden, writing a journal etc). Having the time in the morning that is just my own, in which I stand in my garden and recognize the beauty I have fostered lends happiness and motivation to my days. I do my gardening between five and seven AM, and it sets me up for a good day.

Just keep plugging along and it will come to you. You are incredibly smart, and compassionate, these traits will aid you in becoming whole again.
-chef

 

[somnilicious]

Acceptance is key somni. It is going to take a while to get back to being motivated, as well as finding enjoyment without drugs. Think about it. It took twelve years of balls to the walls use to get you where you were. It is going to take more than a year to get back to where you want to be. I will say this though, I have a year and six months and I am quite a more motivated man than I was six months ago. It gets better with time and hard work. One thing that has really helped me is doing something I love everyday. Having the routine of doing things you dislike (working, dealing with exes, paying bills etc) is only acceptable when you get into a positive routine (working out, watering a garden, writing a journal etc). Having the time in the morning that is just my own, in which I stand in my garden and recognize the beauty I have fostered lends happiness and motivation to my days. I do my gardening between five and seven AM, and it sets me up for a good day.

Just keep plugging along and it will come to you. You are incredibly smart, and compassionate, these traits will aid you in becoming whole again.
-chef

Thank you your response Chef. You truly are a great person for what you do on here. I want to take my time later to fully express my gratitude and respond but I am pecking away on my smart phone as I ride to work at the moment. Love you guys and thank you for the encouragement.
[MENTION=289844]manboychef[/MENTION] Update and further appreciation in Darkside thread.

 

[missjay]

What the fuck am I doing wrong? I had all this motivation to quit.. I was mentally set and fine with the idea. Then, overnight, it was like a flip switched. Now I'm throwing a pity party filled with "why do I have to quit but so&so doesn't", "why should I have to quit", "I'm never gonna be happy if I'm not using" and of course giving myself an excuse/validation with "it isn't just me.. I CAN'T quit if I have to watch so&so use everyday". Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Something that seemed to help me was when I came to terms with the fact I loved drugs. I am not suggesting that will woek for you, because it was the way I came to terms with it that seemed to help, not simply the realization I loved drugs (cause that was pretty obvious already). But taking the steps to ensure I could continue using, just as long as it was in a safe, externally regulated way that held me accountable (in my case, it was a really anally strict methadone clinic, which as you may imagine eventually drove me crazy with all their rules, but ut kinda worked out because it motivated me so strongly to get off of it). What is your DOC again?

Basically what I am trying to say is try and find some external support system and motivation, and in the mean time try your best to be kind and gentle with yourself until then.

 

[missjay]

Something that seemed to help me was when I came to terms with the fact I loved drugs. I am not suggesting that will woek for you, because it was the way I came to terms with it that seemed to help, not simply the realization I loved drugs (cause that was pretty obvious already). But taking the steps to ensure I could continue using, just as long as it was in a safe, externally regulated way that held me accountable (in my case, it was a really anally strict methadone clinic, which as you may imagine eventually drove me crazy with all their rules, but ut kinda worked out because it motivated me so strongly to get off of it). What is your DOC again?

Basically what I am trying to say is try and find some external support system and motivation, and in the mean time try your best to be kind and gentle with yourself until then.

Thank you for your continued advice and support. I want so, so badly to do this on my own.. As in, without rehab, comfort drugs, etc. But I might have to come to terms with the fact that I just can't do that. I know that it was one relapse and I CAN come back from it.. but right now it's like I have zero motivation to do so. I just can't find it.

In the grand scheme of things, I guess my addiction/DOC isn't as serious as what most people here are struggling with.. It makes me feel like a baby but it's still so damn hard. Anyway.. My main DOC is Norco but I'll take any sort of pain pill I can get my hands on if I'm desperate enough. Maybe once or twice a month I "indulge" in coke but I really have no issues stopping that.. Sometimes I go months without any and it's fine but if I'm ever able to get sober and stay sober I won't touch that shit either.. If I'm clean I want to be CLEAN.