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Sober and sad..

I think you are being a bit hard on yourself missjay. Your strruggle with addiction is your own, not mine or anyone elses. It might have a more in common with some people than not, but it is still unique to you and your individual experience alone.

Embrace your wounds, your past traumas that you have endured and keep fighting by cutting yourself some slack. There is no shame in asking for or getting real legit help as opposed to propagandized BS that many abstinence only programs spout. Keep your head up and keep fighting the good fight.

You might not have won thr battle, but you can win yet in life :)
 
toothpastedog said:
I think you are being a bit hard on yourself missjay. Your strruggle with addiction is your own, not mine or anyone elses. It might have a more in common with some people than not, but it is still unique to you and your individual experience alone.

Embrace your wounds, your past traumas that you have endured and keep fighting by cutting yourself some slack. There is no shame in asking for or getting real legit help as opposed to propagandized BS that many abstinence only programs spout. Keep your head up and keep fighting the good fight.

You might not have won thr battle, but you can win yet in life :)
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You're absolutely right.. I'm very hard on myself. I always have been. It doesn't help that when I start thinking about something (anything, not just addiction) I OVER think it. Always. So I take something small and make it big in my head. Obviously addiction isn't something small but at the same time I still blow it up in my head. I'm sure this would be much easier on me if I could refrain from doing that. But, I can't change it (I've tried for years) so it's just another hurdle I'll have to overcome.

I know I can do this. I just have to keep telling myself that.

I'm sorry if I seem whiney or dramatic or all over the place to anyone. I'm just so full of emotions and this is one of the only places I can let them out with 100 percent honesty. I'd go crazy if you guys didn't let me ramble here ans there..
 
Don't worry missjay, I won't dial nine-wah-wah and sick the wambulance on your ass ;) keep trying to cut yourself some slack, it is an amazing thing when you wake up to life and realize that life itself is so much bigger than what you say or do (not that you are not special, just that the universe is vast and you are only one person, a grain of sand on the beach of time so to speak) and you begin to realize the liberating freedom of the idea, "It' not my fault, it's not my fault."

You can worry about owning what you do and say once you have become a bit kinder and gentler with youself, as that should be you priorty during this challanging time of getting sober. You can do this thing sister!
 
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I wish I didn't know what being high felt like. I wish I never found out. Then this wouldn't be so hard of a cycle to fucking break.
 
Well, why don't you try some guided meditations, you can even do them when you are high, just as long as you are not nodding off. That way, you will ease into getting to know what not being high feels like, what it feels like ti be still and sit with your mind for even just 5 or 10 minutes at a time, to feel like what it really feels like to be in your body, and when you are ready you can try it without being high, so you can get the full experience. That is how I retrained myself to live without needing to get high in order to cope with my feelings and the experiences I faced in day to day life.
 
toothpastedog said:
Well, why don't you try some guided meditations, you can even do them when you are high, just as long as you are not nodding off. That way, you will ease into getting to know what not being high feels like, what it feels like ti be still and sit with your mind for even just 5 or 10 minutes at a time, to feel like what it really feels like to be in your body, and when you are ready you can try it without being high, so you can get the full experience. That is how I retrained myself to live without needing to get high in order to cope with my feelings and the experiences I faced in day to day life.
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I've tried very basic meditation.. & it really seemed to help. But only when I was in a "I've got this" mind set. I really should research it more because I've heard great things from addicts & sober people alike.

I know I tell you basically every other post, lol.. But thank you for all of your support.
 
No worries sister, you are so very welcome. I am happy to help, always! :) Check out the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Resources sticky and find a guided meditation and try it out. You'll benefit from it more than you know. Remember, there is no wrong way to meditation. The rigjt way to meditate is how you meditate. The sticky has lots of good suggestions on how to sit properly, but ultimately it is up to you and what feels most comfortable at the moment for you vWhat is most important is that you begin meditating, not so much how you do it. Good luck!
 
It's time. Day one starts now. Wish I could say I'm not scared to death...
 
The journey of a million miles starts with one step.

Do not worry. Take things as they come, don't dwell too much on past misbehavior, and don't project into the future. It is good to have goals, but worrying about the future is anxiety causing and may make your detox worse.

Don't worry you will be happy again someday. It takes time and work.
 
missjay said:
It's time. Day one starts now. Wish I could say I'm not scared to death...
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Hi miss jay, this is my first post but I made an account to say something back to you. I don't know why in the world I did this, but something in the universe pushed me to do it.

All I got to say is this...

YOU GOT THIS. You got this. You SERIOUSLY got this.

You can do it for you, for CJ, and for everyone else that will ever cross your path. You have this strength and willpower that you can tap into. You are a strong and wonderful person, so please don't give in. If there is a time to shine, it's now.

You might not feel like getting out of bed. You know what? It's OK. Take it one day at a time...eat something sweet every night or maybe buy a little plant and take care of it as you begin to remember how amazing everything is. You already WON half of the battle deciding to do this. Now push for a home run and DON'T GIVE UP.

If you ever want to talk, message me or post on this thread. I'll even check back daily to see if you posted...

I myself (twenty-two) have experienced the negative aspects of benzodiazepine withdrawal and I can tell you I have lived in hell. But I made it out alive and stronger. If little ol' me was able to do it, I know YOU can.

Much love, and much strength. ❤️
 
rownen said:
Hi miss jay, this is my first post but I made an account to say something back to you. I don't know why in the world I did this, but something in the universe pushed me to do it.

All I got to say is this...

YOU GOT THIS. You got this. You SERIOUSLY got this.

You can do it for you, for CJ, and for everyone else that will ever cross your path. You have this strength and willpower that you can tap into. You are a strong and wonderful person, so please don't give in. If there is a time to shine, it's now.

You might not feel like getting out of bed. You know what? It's OK. Take it one day at a time...eat something sweet every night or maybe buy a little plant and take care of it as you begin to remember how amazing everything is. You already WON half of the battle deciding to do this. Now push for a home run and DON'T GIVE UP.

If you ever want to talk, message me or post on this thread. I'll even check back daily to see if you posted...

I myself (twenty-two) have experienced the negative aspects of benzodiazepine withdrawal and I can tell you I have lived in hell. But I made it out alive and stronger. If little ol' me was able to do it, I know YOU can.

Much love, and much strength. ❤️
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You have no idea how much it touches my heart that you made an account JUST to reply to my thread.. just to cheer me on and give me support. That speaks wonders to me and you'll never know how it has made me feel.

I'm struggling. One second I think I'm committed and ready to kick ass and then the next second I feel like the weakest, most unprepared person in the world. I want this SO fucking bad.. but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to obtain it. As addicts do, I keep putting it off.. telling myself "tomorrow". But tomorrow never comes and it's a never ending cycle. Even on the days I don't take any pills, I chicken shit out and take Kratom so I won't withdraw. I know it's time.. I know I have to do this.. but I don't know if I can. I'm so damn scared..
 
manboychef said:
The journey of a million miles starts with one step.

Do not worry. Take things as they come, don't dwell too much on past misbehavior, and don't project into the future. It is good to have goals, but worrying about the future is anxiety causing and may make your detox worse.

Don't worry you will be happy again someday. It takes time and work.
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I'm trying. I'm trying but I'm struggling.. :(
 
I send this text to MBC this morning, and some of it might apply to your situation too missjay:

toothpastedog said:
That really must be hard. Personally psycadellic dissociatives helped me really begin to come to terms with my own conditions. My dad was recently diagnosed with Parkinsons, and when I saw him last weekend I really saw how hard has been for him to start coming to terms with what he is going through. Im sure he knew something was wrong, I certainly noticed and wondered what was going on, but now the diagnosis it really hits home for him and he is struggling to come to terms with it. I think there is a lot of grief and loss involved in such processes, with my dad, myself certainly, and I imagine with you too. It is like we realize that now the old us has died, he has been dead and gone for quite sometime. He still lives on inside us in some ways, but practically speaking, we are so changed by all we have gone through that, for better or worse, we are now a new, different person. But with the death of our former self, our new self has been born. And with that comes great oppertunity and promise. Try and keep that in the back of your mind while you grieve the loss of who you once were. It helps me keep my shit together, when I am able of keeping it in mins that is. It is a lot harder to when I am in pain physically or emotionally, so with your HCV condtion, I imagine you will have a particularly challanging time. But if you can reframe your difficulties, hardships and struggle as challanges, that is really helpful. What is a challange if now oppertunity?! Things always get better, just as long as you dont let them get worse ;-)
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^^^it is so true. It helped put things in perspective for me. I was having a hard time rectifying the fact that I have long lasting problems from my chronic drug us. I have to accept that this is now, and not live in the past at all, and not use my past self as a metric for measuring how well I am doing.

@missjay: The struggle is real. It is hard to quit. The fact that you want it so bad is what will start opening doors for you. Do you have a good support network of friends and family that understand your situation that you can reach out to if you feel week, or extra emotional? It is a very important tool in beating withdrawals. Usually cravings come and go, if you call someone instead of acting on impulse you will notice that the time goes by easier. Also, picking up your phone instead of a pill is a great skill to have. It has saved my ass many times.
 
You can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. It just takes suspending disbelief in yourself.
 
There is only one thing stopping you missjay, and that is the idea that you wont succeed. What is you started to tell yourself that you can do it, that it isnt your fault, that everything will be okay, isnt of what youre doing now, regardless of whether it makes sense or reflects what you [think you] are going through. Give it a shot. The truth is that every paradigm shoft starts with one small, irrational kernal of wisdom.

Try this. Set a time for 3 minutes. Get yoursepf situated where you are comfortable, perhaps laying down on a bed or couch on a semi dark, cool room. Close your eyes and say to yourself, "May I be peaceful. May I be peaceful. May I be peaceful." over and over again until your 3 minutes is up. Give it a shot. It is pretty amazing once you try. And fyi the longer you do it the better it works.
 
if it doesn't work try something else. It all relates to how badly you want to feel better.
 
manboychef said:
It all relates to how badly you want to feel better.
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This is such good news! Clearly you want it bad, real real bad, don't you missjay? All you need to do is really tune into how bad you want it, and hold that energy close. Even if it makes you feel shitty, like you're gonna jump out of your skin, just keep holding on to it. Embrace it, because it is there in your life, for better or worse, and it isn't going anywhere. It will light a fire under your ass, you won't even have to want it to. It just will. All that it takes is tuning into that energy.

After all, energy is neither positive nor negative, good or bad, it is just energy. Fuel for the fire that is life baby :)
 
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