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Sober and sad..

M

missjay

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 24, 2015
Messages
53
I am almost 30 days (23 to be exact) clean from a nasty opiate habit. I quit cold turkey with no help, just moral support. Minus body aches, I'm basically past all of the physical withdrawal symptoms. But I am FUCKED mentally. I was depressed with extreme anxiety before, but this is a whole new beast. I'm on depression medicine and anxiety medicine.. but I still have this horrible, horrible feeling inside. I'm sad. I'm pissed off. I want to use. I feel like I have no purpose. Etc. Etc. Etc. It comes and goes, but is dominant in my life.. especially at night. I DON'T want to relapse, but my mind is telling me it's the only thing that will help. I know an adjustment of my medications may be the answer but obviously that isn't what my mind is telling me. Help.. How long will this last? What can I do? I feel like my family is getting tired of me; I heard my sister make a nasty "she's always so pissed off" comment yesterday. I'm just.. Sigh..
 
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First of all congratulations on making it through the withdrawals!! You should feel very proud for accomplishing that! What you are feeling now is called Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Here is a good description of it http://whatmesober.com/paws/

You just have to hang in there as I guarantee you will feel better with time.
 
I'm not sober yet, but i am really sad. So if you want to talk anytime i'm here, just drop me a message. i know how devastating could be the combo of sadness and loneliness.

Be strong and whatever you do, do not get back to the old habits.
 
It might take a long while, and by that I mean months. Improvement won't happen overnight and may seem imperceptible.

Your people need to understand what you are going through so that they can support you. They need to know that this is normal even for someone without pre existing anxiety and or depression. Educating them will help them help you. And maybe help just looks like acceptance for now.

Congratulations on detox and staying clean this long!

Using won't solve this problem. It's not how you remember it. You have to be on one side of the fence or the other. Jumping back and forth just delays the inevitable and no one reports any peace from picking up again. Stay strong <3
 
sliceofcake said:
Your people need to understand what you are going through so that they can support you. They need to know that this is normal even for someone without pre existing anxiety and or depression. Educating them will help them help you. And maybe help just looks like acceptance for now.
Click to expand...

the problem for me it's that i don't have any people in my life that i could share what i am going trough. Anyway, i got bluelight and im glad for that <3
 
It's always the worst at night for me too, missjay. What has been said above is correct though - it gets better with time.

My number one recommendation for people and what works best for me in regards to that is cardiovascular excercise. Get a good routine going if you don't already (and if you do, try a little more time on the cardio)
I try to get in at least 30 minutes each day and 1 hour is my goal. It makes a whole world of difference esp. for anxiety. Trust me
 
to the OP- this feeling you are feeling... its what I would always experience after getting clean and would be the reason id relapse, countless times it would happen

unfortunately the depression will not go away for months, actualy many people say after 2 years is when people simply start to feel A LITTLE BIT BETTER

Im backon suboxone maintenance so I don't have to deal with that crippling depression, believe me Ive tried so many times but just couldn't live. What kind of life is being depressed 24/7? Just think "oh it get better some day" fuck that thats no way to live imho.. so OP just my personal advice, get on a suboxone maintenance program
 
I don't really think it's that dramatic or long lasting in my experience I have had some pretty long lasting periods of sobriety in which I was relatively happy. THIS BEING SAID... For full disclosure I am currently on a suboxone maintenance program as well so maybe I can't talk :(
 
Hello all! I realize I'm new here and my mouth maybe on probation, but I just read something that really shook me and I feel compelled to say this.

mrsnowygrainius, you're trying to sell someone a 2+ year sentence and tell them to go and get on Suboxone? Your kidding right?

Sober and MAD
 
I quit opiates over a year ago. It took about six months to start feeling the drive to do things. I mostly played lord of the rings online for those six months so that I had something to do to keep my mind off how I felt. After the six month mark I started feeling a little better about going outside. With the help of benzos I started gardening and painting. Having something you can be proud of that you have accomplished is an amazing feeling. I highly suggest you find something you enjoy doing. Once I realized that the benzos pretty much stopped working I quit taking them daily and only take them occasionally . That was difficult. I felt very strange when I first stopped taking them, almost out of control emotionally, when generally I am fairly reserved.

Basically what I am saying is after six months most of your paws will be gone, however it is a hard battle that requires constant attention. After you have beaten the paws symptoms happiness becomes a choice. First off, find a good hobby that you feel good about doing. I routinely give flowers to my family members because it gives me a feeling of joy that I have not known since I was a small child. Secondly, get your medications tailored to mental health needs. Usually people that are on opiates are self medicating. It is good to find a doctor you can trust that cares about you and will work with you. Lastly, happiness is not guaranteed. There is no reason to expect that you will be happy just because you quit doing opiates. It requires real work and a generous helping of self realization.

Missjay good job on getting a little clean time under your belt. I am here whenever you need me. Hang in there with everything you got because it does get better with time and work. I will leave you with a stupid joke. Why can't the melon and strawberry get married?

They cantaloupe!!!
 
^ lol nice joke :p

congrats on everyday clean you have missjay!
Just stick it out, like people have been saying it takes a while to get back to normal. I'm at 102 days today after being physically dependent on opiates for 10 years, tbh I'm still struggling everyday, but days are starting to get easier, doing little things has helped me soo much.. Like journaling keeping track of how I'm feeling and being able to put it into words and process my emotions has helped almost more than anything, going to the gym, eating good full meals, keeping in touch with sober friends and doing not drug related things, and being on bluelight for support, and just being kind to myself.
Just remember what you are going through is totally normal and we have all been there or are there now. Just don't use and I swear things will start to turn around. I know it sounds so cliche and I know it doesnt necessarily help right now. I didn't believe it when people would say that to me, but seriously it's true! I have been grieving my moms death that happened in sept 2015, I was using at the time and used for another month and a half after she passed, and I have been dealing with PTSD from coming home and finding her gone in our apartment. When I first got clean I didn't think I was going to make it through the pain and guilt of losing my mom and it's still something I'm dealing with and struggling with every hour of everyday, but even with having PTSD and grieving the only person I ever had in my life, I'm still improving everyday even on days it doesn't feel like I am. Anyway, I didn't say that to get pity or to take away from you and your story. I'm just sharing what I went through. I just want you to see other people are doing this, even with going through really intense emotions, and so can you!
:) you got this! Getting 23 days under your belt is an amazing feat! You should be proud of yourself, I know I am and I don't even know you %)
please keep reaching out on here if it helps you, there is a lot of great, smart, and supportive people on here. =D
We are here for you!!

<3
EXjg
 
So true Exjunkiegirl. As addicts we had one recourse to deal with emotions...positive or negative, and that was to use. Keeping a journal is extremely important. Dealing with negative thoughts and feelings is one of the hardest things to do because relearning coping mechanisms is extremely hard. I find myself just saying "I am strong enough to handle this." quite a bit. I used to not be strong...I would fold faster than a beach chair in a rainstorm when I felt bad. I never wanted to feel uncomfortable, but as I progress in my sobriety I can deal with discomfort better and better.

Think of this missjay: Exjunkiegirl came to SL same state as you....and so did I. Feeling things we haven't felt in years. We both used for a long time, and we both hurt ourselves. I find it amazing that you can watch new people that get the idea behind recovery grow and change. It really helped me realize my own feelings and recognize my journey by witnessing exjunkiegirl's growth and journey. If you stick too it and do the work this will happen to you too. It is a never-ending saga that you get to write.

Good luck and hold on homegirl!
 
cj said:
First of all congratulations on making it through the withdrawals!! You should feel very proud for accomplishing that! What you are feeling now is called Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Here is a good description of it http://whatmesober.com/paws/

You just have to hang in there as I guarantee you will feel better with time.
Click to expand...

Thank you very much for the response and for the link. I'm trying to hang in there..
 
Lone Deranger said:
I'm not sober yet, but i am really sad. So if you want to talk anytime i'm here, just drop me a message. i know how devastating could be the combo of sadness and loneliness.

Be strong and whatever you do, do not get back to the old habits.
Click to expand...

Thank you! The same goes to you.. if you ever need anyone to talk to, I can offer an ear and any advice I may have. Good luck on your road to sobriety; it's rough but worth it!
 
absent minded said:
It's always the worst at night for me too, missjay. What has been said above is correct though - it gets better with time.

My number one recommendation for people and what works best for me in regards to that is cardiovascular excercise. Get a good routine going if you don't already (and if you do, try a little more time on the cardio)
I try to get in at least 30 minutes each day and 1 hour is my goal. It makes a whole world of difference esp. for anxiety. Trust me
Click to expand...

I'm taking things day by day. Getting through another day sober and clean really helps my outlook most days.

I will take your advice and try to force myself into a physical routine. Right now I don't feel like doing ANYTHING, I just want to lay in bed all day. The only thing I can pull myself out of bed for is my 5 year old Princess.. and cleaning; I'm a weirdo who loves to clean.
 
sliceofcake, for SOME reason.. I cannot fucking quote and reply to what you've said here. I went as far as getting onto my computer, typed the SAME damn post twice and both times my reply didn't show up. This is me getting annoyed.. this is me wanting to throat punch my computer. LETS TRY THIS AGAIN shall we?? :X

Noone in my immediate family, and very few in my extended family, has ever been where I am right now. They get it, but they dont.. if that makes sense. They knew it was going to be hard for me, but they thought it ended at the physical withdrawal. They're super proud of me, they say.. but it kind of ends there. I know I should educate them but it almost seems like a waste of time. Will they understand? Will they think I'm lying? Will they think I'm being dramatic? I'm already being judged and all of these things fly through my head whenever the topic is brought up in conversation with them..

I KNOW using won't solve my problems. If anything, it'll make me feel worse. But it's so, so hard to tell myself that when I'm down, out, sad and alone..
 
manboychef said:
I quit opiates over a year ago. It took about six months to start feeling the drive to do things. I mostly played lord of the rings online for those six months so that I had something to do to keep my mind off how I felt. After the six month mark I started feeling a little better about going outside. With the help of benzos I started gardening and painting. Having something you can be proud of that you have accomplished is an amazing feeling. I highly suggest you find something you enjoy doing. Once I realized that the benzos pretty much stopped working I quit taking them daily and only take them occasionally . That was difficult. I felt very strange when I first stopped taking them, almost out of control emotionally, when generally I am fairly reserved.

Basically what I am saying is after six months most of your paws will be gone, however it is a hard battle that requires constant attention. After you have beaten the paws symptoms happiness becomes a choice. First off, find a good hobby that you feel good about doing. I routinely give flowers to my family members because it gives me a feeling of joy that I have not known since I was a small child. Secondly, get your medications tailored to mental health needs. Usually people that are on opiates are self medicating. It is good to find a doctor you can trust that cares about you and will work with you. Lastly, happiness is not guaranteed. There is no reason to expect that you will be happy just because you quit doing opiates. It requires real work and a generous helping of self realization.

Missjay good job on getting a little clean time under your belt. I am here whenever you need me. Hang in there with everything you got because it does get better with time and work. I will leave you with a stupid joke. Why can't the melon and strawberry get married?

They cantaloupe!!!
Click to expand...

OKAY.. first of all -- I don't know who laughed harder at your corny joke, me or my five year old. CJ (the kiddo) laughed her ass off, but I had one of those long, loud, out of breath laughs. & then she stopped laughing and looked at me like I had two heads. LOL. Thank you!! I needed that.

I was into alot of things before I started using but during that period of time I lost all interest. I cared about scoring, getting high and staying high. BUT, I'm slowly trying to force myself back into the "normal" things I once enjoyed. It's really hard when all I want to do is lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I pull myself out of bed for my babygirl.. and to clean my house. I'm proud of that -- is that stupid?? I know it won't happen overnight, but maybe I can get back into one or more of my hobbies soon. I think you're right.. that will help.

Your kind words and advice are so welcomed. I'm trying.. I really am. I WILL fight this battle and I WILL win. I WILL be happy for myself and for my Princess. I can do this..
 
EXjg -- I've read you story and you are SUCH an inspiration. Congratulations on 102 days.. thats amazing! I'm so, so proud of you.

It feels amazing to hear that how I'm feeling is normal. On a regular basis I feel crazy, dramatic.. like I should be okay when I'm not. But all of you and your kind words, stories and advice have helped me realize that I'm not any of those things and I CAN do this.
 
You're so right, manboychef. For years the only way I dealt with my emotions was using. It helped, and then it stopped helping and then I was using just to use .. to not get sick. It's hard to come back to "real life" and deal with shit head on. But I'm working on it.. I've got this. I HAVE to do this.

I'm holding on. Thank you all so, so much..
 
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