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Self-harm support thread v. 3

I'm doing well, I had a week off my meds & I've been doing great, but I'm not ready to stay off them just yet.

As for my hospital stay, I managed to get into a fight with a glass door & sliced my wrist open & cut one of the ligaments 40% through.....I hate that door, it was bound to shatter eventually, just a shame I was the one shutting it grrr!
 
^^ bw that's awful about your accident with the door!! Is your arm/hand okay now?? <3
 
I tried today but could barely break the skin with the pos knife I have. I have a sharpening stone but still couldn't make the thing worthy. I had 4 bux left on my bank card. I could have bought a pack of blades or beer. I bought two beers and stole another two. Tragedy avoided i guess.. nothing there but some red marks and a few dots of dried blood, couldn't do anything with that bullshit knife.

going to the docs this week. trying to think of all the things now that I shouldn't say then so I don't fuck myself out of getting help again. fuck this school.
 
^^ So the urge to cut subsided after you'd gone out and done something else instead, in this case bought beers?
 
2^ More like the urge subsided near the end of the second beer.. Get drunk enough it's hard to focus in on it, better to drift to different thoughts
 
So do you think you could technically use a different activity to distract yourself from the cutting urges? Something that relaxes you? Perhaps exercise? It's important to know and remember that the urges DO subside if you wait it out long enough <3
 
The urges to cut are brought on by a need to eliminate anxiety. I've learned to use alcohol as a chemical tool same as the endorphins I got from cutting. Yes, I've used a different activity, but realistically I'd probably better off cutting myself =-\ Exercise would be better, and I know it's worked for me in the past, but I've been too fucking scared to leave the house for my once a week class let alone go to a gym where people seem to stare at my fatness
 
Yeah I hear ya man. If you can use alcohol to self-medicate that is definitely better than cutting. Do you have any social interaction at the moment? (you don't have to talk about this in the public forum either if you're not comfortable doing so! Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss privately)
 
I think alcohol has done more damage to me than some petty scars. Social life has been crumbling since the tumor a few years back. I have an appointment at the school clinic tomorrow, I'm hoping I can raise a good case for lyrica (without coming off as drug seeking....), ssri's and the whole lot of traditional meds I was put through in the past didn't work, this one sounds promising... I haven't given any meds a chance since my suicide attempt while on prozac. They forced me onto risperdal after that for a while but feeling nothing isn't living.
 
thanks I'll need it.. I need a LOT of luck too because if they don't have a sample pack of whatever to get me started on (assuming they give me anything at all) I'm gonna be fucked for a while because I have zero dollars to fill a script with
 
Some of the posts on here make me feel too sad and i cant't blame anyone from wanting out of this world . Our pain in the" lucky" west, instead of poverty like the 3rd world etc.. seems to be spiritual/mental illness.
Cutting is something only self harmers can truly understand but i also think in a way needle injection of drugs is a a sort of self harming for many people. I noticed cutting stopped when i iv'd and not just because of the drugs euphoric effects.
 
I've decided that my door accident was the best thing to ever happen to me (apart from meeting my SO & getting engaged) because it made me realise something.

I wanted to do that much damage to my wrist.....on purpose, in the hopes of bleeding out. My urge to cut has been completely eliminated (though a brief desire crossed after a shit day at work where I felt defeated).
I realised how stupid I've been, how could I have wanted to do this once upon a time?! I have so much to live for, and even more to look forward to.

I hope every single one of you is doing well & resisting the urge to harm themselves in any form. You're all wonderful human beings (or aliens) & not a single one of you should be hurting yourselves. I believe in all of you, if I can do it, so can you!

xx
 
hmmm.. well I went and the nurse practitioner didn't know much about drugs so I have to talk to another doc today, but she asked I get some blood work done, she said to see if my liver kidneys and thyroid were all working well enough to get put on any meds. That sound weird?
 
Am I right to be worried?
I went to my GP today and told him about the cutting, emptiness, mood swings, anxiety, fear of abandonment etc. Didn't even get to the voices and depersonaliation, blackouts and dissassociation and he was already on the phone to the emergency psychiatrist and considering admitting me on the spot.
Not the greatest of sings no?
No, far from.
He suggested I drop out of college, my girlfriend and I have just been through a miscarriage, I'm fucked.
 
^ worried about what, getting admitted? Nah if those are the things going on, you need to go in, even if it means dropping out of college untill you feel well.
Must say the NHS psych wards arent the greatest of places but you get fed and your safe , better to volunteer to go in, than on a "section 2". good luck sproutonsmack. Im from manchester in the u.k. BTW
 
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Dragynfyr said:
hmmm.. well I went and the nurse practitioner didn't know much about drugs so I have to talk to another doc today, but she asked I get some blood work done, she said to see if my liver kidneys and thyroid were all working well enough to get put on any meds. That sound weird?
Click to expand...

Hmm I don't think it sounds weird man, at least you'll have the blood results done now so you don't have to waste time doing the blood tests after you see the doctor :)
The weird part is why you didn't just see the doctor straight away in the first place...is that how things usually work over there?

SproutOnSmack said:
Am I right to be worried?
I went to my GP today and told him about the cutting, emptiness, mood swings, anxiety, fear of abandonment etc. Didn't even get to the voices and depersonaliation, blackouts and dissassociation and he was already on the phone to the emergency psychiatrist and considering admitting me on the spot.
Not the greatest of sings no?
No, far from.
He suggested I drop out of college, my girlfriend and I have just been through a miscarriage, I'm fucked.
Click to expand...

Okay first things first man, you are NOT fucked, it's just that some really messed up things have happened to you all at the same time. You will get through this. If your doctor is concerned enough about your current state to consider immediate admission, then it's probably for the best. Let us know how you get on okay? Good luck <3


billyswifey I am so proud of you hun!! It makes me so happy to hear you say those things! You've come a long way, so glad you're feeling on top of things :) <3 *hugs*
 
n3ophy7e said:
Hmm I don't think it sounds weird man, at least you'll have the blood results done now so you don't have to waste time doing the blood tests after you see the doctor :)
The weird part is why you didn't just see the doctor straight away in the first place...is that how things usually work over there?
Click to expand...

It's a college health clinic. Bureaucratic bullshit at its finest. Purple_Cloud was recently fucked by the same clinic when the one doc who would prescribe benzos retired and left her to deal with the new batch of assholes. (Hope she doesn't mind my saying...) But yeah.. As I should have expected, I got kinda screwed.. I'm fucking addicted to alcohol and the only things she said she could give me were basic traditional meds, ssris, snris, ndris.. no benzos, no anti psychs, and most detrimental to my cause no off label use of prescriptions allowed. Hence, if I were in the European Union, I would have my optimal medicine, but since our slack ass paid for and controlled by the pharm and insurance companies FDA refuses to catch up with the pace of the EU they set by adding GAD to the list of treatable afflictions with the med, our agency continues to shoot it down, despite its excellent track record, absolute minimal side effects, minimal dependency issues that are NOTHING compared to ssris or benzos, no tolerance build up... despite all that, just because it is off label, and the doc admitted that it would be the safer option, she couldn't do it.

And back to the alcohol thing, she gave me wellbutrin. Dunno if ur familiar but that lowers your seizure threshold to dangerous levels sometimes when you're NOT addicted to alcohol. It tells you right on the bottle not to stop drinking or taking benzos if you do regularly because it can kill you. Can't sleep for shit, feels like I'm on speed. Mad anxiety, worse than before, but I have that dopamine speed thing going on so I'm pushing through it.. zero desire to smoke a cigg at this point at least. More or less due to self preservation than want though, I think if I lit one up my heart would rip itself in half lol
 
Dragynfyr said:
no benzos, no anti psychs, and most detrimental to my cause no off label use of prescriptions allowed.
Click to expand...

Sounds like Australia ;) Over here, getting prescribed anything like benzos or anything more controversial than SSRIs from a regular doctor is pretty difficult.

Dragynfyr said:
And back to the alcohol thing, she gave me wellbutrin. Dunno if ur familiar but that lowers your seizure threshold to dangerous levels sometimes when you're NOT addicted to alcohol. It tells you right on the bottle not to stop drinking or taking benzos if you do regularly because it can kill you. Can't sleep for shit, feels like I'm on speed. Mad anxiety, worse than before, but I have that dopamine speed thing going on so I'm pushing through it.. zero desire to smoke a cigg at this point at least. More or less due to self preservation than want though, I think if I lit one up my heart would rip itself in half lol
Click to expand...

I am familiar with Wellbutrin in theory, as I have recently researched it for my own purposes. That is damn irresponsible and dangerous of her to prescribe an alcoholic Wellbutrin. Just relax and hang in there okay? Have you had anything to drink today?
 
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