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Self-harm support thread v. 3

littlegirlblue said:
On a side note, does the binge and purge cycle count as self-mutilation?
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Self-destruction? Yes definitely.

I think the difference with self-mutilation is that the aim (either concious or subconcious) is to gain the endorphin rush following from the pain response.
When I was bulimic I definitely didn't get an endorphin rush from purging but everyone's different.

Either way, they're both very destructive behaviours that can and should be substituted with more effective coping mechanisms.
 
i fuckn hate myself i got stoned today and binged. i wish i could just cut my stomach open and remove it all. I wish i had some money, im tired of being broke. I miss having dope. fuck pot i need heroin
 
n3ophy7e, I cannot explain how caring and helpful your posts are, even if just reading them directed to someone else. I know we all have our troubles, including youself, and yet you continue to provide so much help to others. You're a great chick and should be very proud of yourself. I like to try and do the same, but don't think I can do as good job,,,,by far haha
 
AMEN... and time-traveling, of sorts.

fivelinefury said:
n3ophy7e, I cannot explain how caring and helpful your posts are, even if just reading them directed to someone else. I know we all have our troubles, including youself, and yet you continue to provide so much help to others. You're a great chick and should be very proud of yourself. I like to try and do the same, but don't think I can do as good job,,,,by far haha
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Who wouldn't agree with ya, fiveline? N3o is one hell of a lady, and easy on the eyes too if you've caught her in any TDS photo thread. N3o, it's you and a handful of others that have kept me going. I think you know that by now. I hope you are doing better love. You are appreciated... and needed, for whatever that is worth.

On the subject at hand... I had been cutting and burning far less with my ED on the rise. As we all know, no one frowns upon weight-loss like they do burn marks on hands or slash marks on thighs. Even with my history, my family compliments how much I've dropped. But two nights ago I was out of all my pharmaceutical and herbal relief. I broke down into an anxiety attack on the phone with my ex. He rushed over to see what was up and found me with my tools of trade. We fought. Physically. Or rather he threw the box-cutters and lighters with fury across the room and physically restrained me. I fought like hell. Last time I was forcibly restrained for my mental well-being was back in the ED unit eight years ago when the head BITCH, I mean nurse, took away my books because I was "escaping into them." I punched her in the face and I got locked down... and strapped up. Needless to say, both times I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up yesterday morning, he had untied me and left me the Kombucha and Coke Zero I live off of with a concerned but sweet note. They were not so nice in the unit, I can tell you that much.
I'm starting to wonder if I've belonged in a locked ward since I was 12...
 
lately I've been playing with knives, mostly with my recently acquired tactical switchblade, designed for use by special ops. I keep it open for hours on end, twirling it through my fingers, thinking of all the possibilities. I've held it to my neck, chest and stomach numerous times, just fantasizing and going through the motions. now, I haven't cut myself in almost 2 and a half years, but prior to that I sliced up my arms pretty bad over the course of one year. but this new habit is more ambiguous. it all started when my girlfriend began asking me about murder, whether I was capable, when and why I would do it, if I would or could kill her, and then answering those same questions herself. and just the other day she threatened suicide by way of her own medieval-style dagger. I'm not sure if I'm considering self-harm or suicide or even violence - god forbid - but this newfound fascination worries me.
 
its easy to develop a fascination with weapons. its because of the knowledge inherent with the ability to deal death. they're power-giving objects, and when we feel powerless, everything that gives us some of it back is easy to run away with.
Me? I just collected blades for their inherent beauty, workmanship, and history. blades, and guns as well, are tools and while the need to use them may not come often (or at all), its pretty handy to have them at hand just in case. and yes, I collect firearms for the same reason as I did blades. im a decent historian, and I love the whole history of the gun. the level of craftsmanship and innovation put into firearms to get them to where they are now is amazing.
 
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Hugs for Mrs.BW

billyswifey said:
I slipped again.......fml
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You have not posted super recently on this thread... Did you have a successful streak of avoiding S.I.? I sure hope so :\

I've read a good number of your posts and I know you have many stressors out of your control that are enormous and I find your fighting desire to stay away from the blades and the pain inspiring, even though you slipped. I believe that is something to be very proud of myself if I were you =D You are a brave and strong woman!
 
lately i cant decide if i want to die or to just mutilate myself. I know what i need to do to get out of this rut but i cant seem to move forward. Im not sure if its my anxiety or my apathy thats stopping me. Ive always been horrible at looking for work, going out into the world and talking to people and shit. I know i need to get that though if i want to get anywhere. I just cant seem to stop failing though.
 
^^ Hun, I know what it's like to feel that you can't pull yourself up out of the darkness but you CAN. You have the strength and courage to move forward, but sometimes it takes a bit of effort to find that strength and utelise it. What is holding you back, do you think?


billyswifey, how are you doing hun?? <3
 
A new form of Self Harm

It's bein two years since I last cut.
New record since I started!!!
I dont ever feel a need to do it..but I think Ive turned my cutting addiction into an addiction to PainKillers/Suboxone.

Damn..Even though I can go without Sub..When I do Im not as happy and sometimes slip into a depression.
Then I start talking to God.He always makes me feel better but it's not right to go back and forth like this.
To feel good and then feel bad.To not sleep well,ever.To wake up with static in my brain.Cursing my shitty sleep.Anxiety kicks in if I havent dossed my suboxone.Thoughts start to run wild in my brain.Memories rear their ugly faces for me to knock them the fuck out.
Panic sometimes sets in.Especially when home life goes crazy.
I talk to God again,He hears me,He listensHe heals but also tells me this is life.I can't expect to stay compeltely happy when I am on drugs.Im not that type of person.The reason why I started doing drugs in the first place was not justbecause they feel good but because they helped me cope and escape.

So how do I stop???
Im tired of fighting..Suboxone may help in some regards but its damaging me more than its helpiung me,just like all the other drugs ive taken.
Maybe I shouldnt be asking how do i stop on a forum like this though.
Ive saved others from suicide/cutting/drug addiction[3 others atcually] but I always sucked at saving myself.

PM me,if you can help me or offer advice.
 
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Hey ILikeSub, sorry to hear about your troubles man. It's great that you've stopped cutting, and 2 years is a huge achievement for that! <3
Are you getting any counselling at the moment, or have you had any in the past? Sometimes we need help from others to stop the cycles we've developed. It's good to be able to cut down or quite drugs, but if you don't work through the underlying issues that are causing you to use drugs in the first place, you're likely to just end up going back to drugs when those issues flare up again. Know what I mean?
 
Hey TDS. Need a little advice.

Havent been too well of late and been cutting again, last was on tuesday when I really done a number on myself. I've obviously had the wounds cleaned and dressed them by my medical mate but ive got an increasing awareness of a distinct numbing and vague tingleing on my forearm from the worst cut site to my wrist. Obviously I suspect this is some kind of nerve damage, like im just stressing about it and worrying that it could get worse. Is there any steps I should be taking or should I go to hospital or whatever? thanks
 
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I'm not 100% sure about this because I'm not medically-trained but I think if you'd severed some nerves, the numbness and tingling would be present straight away after you'd cut. Was it? Or has it gradually developed over the last 5 days or so, and/or is it getting progressively worse?

Regardless, if you are concerned you must go and get it checked out by a medical professional.

But also know that nerves do heal over time, so if there was a small severing of some nerves, they will heal back together over time.

Please be safe and take care of yourself <3
 
Cool ta N3o, I gotta get to the docs in the next day or two anyway to re-engage with MHS so hopefully I can just get it checked out then, I dunno about the instancy of the numbing as I passed out straight after and since have had more overriding pain to actually notice this numbing until recently. It's weird though, never had it before from any cuts. Just dont want it to fuck up my dexterity. My guitar playing is shit enough as it is!

Thanks for the reassurance, I'll report back if there's any news. x
 
No worries <3
It would be really good if you could get it checked out when you go to the doctor next, just to be sure.
 
Got an appointment in an hour, done a quick needle test to check feeling and it seems a bit buggered, hopefully nothing that wont heal though.

e2a: back from clinic....Course of antibiotics to see if nerve crap is caused by swelling, hope so....Failing that I guess it may be a lil more serious. good to have a bit of peace of mind though :)
 
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