Self-harm support thread v. 3

[n3ophy7e]

^^ There's nothing to be afraid of Ix. When you've been awake for this long, you are going to sleep like a log. You probably won't have any dreams or nightmares either, if that's what you're concerned about?
If it's not fun anymore, your body has had enough man, it's time to sleep. Sleep is a natural daily process for the body and mind, it's not harmful.
Take care

 

[Ixchellian]

See..... sleeping so hard I don't dream is ugly too. I wake up by slamming back into wakefulness, and I'll have no idea of where I'm at. because of that i go into instant fight/flight mode... and I've done some pretty crazy shit before realizing where i'm at.

otherwise.... i always dream.

you know the whole thing where if you die in a dream, you'll never wake up. or just die for real? that's what i deal with nearly everytime. it's not happened yet, but i just don't know if it will. and in some i've gotten pretty fuckin close to dying. it's not fun. i'm not scared of dying, because it'll eventually happen sometime to everyone, so I've accepted the idea of it a long time ago. it's the transition that's the sucky part. and coming so close so often (in real life & in the dark-world), will kinda rattle a man, no matter how gritty or desensitized he is.

i thought about it.... i wonder what would happen if I took the assload of DXM now. if i had any LSD or mescaline, i'd definitely do that.
Call it morbid curiosity, but i seriously wonder how that trip would be, and if it would change anything permanently.

 

[littlegirlblue]

Getting carried away and dissassociated..

[sorry hun, I must interject, it's against the spirit/purpose of the thread to ask other members for advice on different ways to harm yourself - n3o]

Sorry N3o, I have read the rules but a Valium-addled mind such as myself last night gets carried away! I greatly dislike disappointing you, and I hold your opinion dear. Thank you for alerting me to breaking the rules and rest assured I won't break that one again. Love to you, our kind helper!

i thought about it.... i wonder what would happen if I took the assload of DXM now. if i had any LSD or mescaline, i'd definitely do that.
Call it morbid curiosity, but i seriously wonder how that trip would be, and if it would change anything permanently.

I don't have experience with PCP or K, but I have used my share of DXM and I would be worried about you if you used that pseudo-disassociate. The last time I used 500mg of straight DXM, I ended up watching myself cutting from above myself, along the ceiling. I was calm, fairly happy and gouging away, almost in a strange attempt to FEEL through all those chemicals muddling my receptors. So be careful with that combo, you might brand more mercilessly than you intended before you started with the DXM. Be safe, I wanna see that hot dark eye makeup on you before any of us do something too rash! Hope you slept sometime, sure-shot

 

[n3ophy7e]

lgb no worries at all hun!

you know the whole thing where if you die in a dream, you'll never wake up.

Umm Ix, that doesn't actually happen man. Sure, you can die in your sleep from natural causes but not just because you died in a dream. Dreams are nothing more but our brain filtering and digesting all that we took in and experienced during the previous day/week/month, and storing the information as memories. That's it. Dreams can't hurt us, no matter how real they seem to be.

i wonder what would happen if I took the assload of DXM now. if i had any LSD or mescaline, i'd definitely do that.

That is the most sure-fire recipe for a bad trip I've ever heard :D Definitely not a good idea so I'm glad you didn't have any LSD or mescaline on you

Did you get some sleep??


Last night I was very very close to cutting. I haven't felt an urge like that for months. I had to keep reminding myself that:
a) I'd been happy all weekend so even though I was feeling depressed in that moment, I knew the feeling would pass,
b) that I would deeply regret actually cutting myself,
c) that I'd had MDMA on the weekend so I was probably having some residual comedown effect from that.

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and washed my face, brushed my teeth, plucked my eyebrows, played with my hair, did everything I could until the cutting urges faded away and then I went to bed.

If I can get through urges that strong, anyone can

 

[pyr3x]

To eliminate suffering, you must first identify the cause of suffering, and eliminate it.

..Buddhist teaching

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Very true

 

[Ixchellian]

To eliminate suffering, you must first identify the cause of suffering, and eliminate it.

..Buddhist teaching

I'm gonna call bullshit on that one.

Buddha was never in combat. He never saw fellow countrymen get fucked up & killed in front of him. He never had the screams burrow into his brain and take up residence.

He never flew home on a cargoplane, with a flag-draped casket in front of him the whole way.

Oh, I've very well identified it. I know it intimately.
That existentialist shit is worthless when placed before hard fuckin' reality.

None of you.... unless you were there in the suck too..... has any real idea of what that does to a man. Even to a hard & desensitized cynical bastard like me.
Sorry for being blunt, but I'm in a rather incisive & vile state-of-mind today..... and to be absolutely honest, I'm rather enjoying it.

 

[Jekyll and Hyde]

What lead you to doing it J&H? Do you feel like you want to do it again?
How's everything else going for you at the moment?

I was feeling manic through the roof and I felt out of control, I'm not sure I would do it again, I hope not because I don't want all these scars.

 

[Chevelle]

I have a question for anyone who would like to answer (and no I am not being an ass either, I mean this seriously)....but doesn't hearing about other people on this thread who just cut/are currently cutting/or wanting to cut make others crave this more?

[editing out triggering content - n3o]

I used to be a major cutter/self harmer as a kid and as the years went on I only did it in very desperate moments and as a last result when relief was very much needed so if anyone needs to talk about the cutting/self harming business I am hear to listen and/or talk...

Sorry if I triggered anyone that was not my intention....

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi Chevelle, welcome to the thread

but doesn't hearing about other people on this thread who just cut/are currently cutting/or wanting to cut make others crave this more?

It certainly can have that effect, which is why we have a strict rule which we enforce in this thread:

Also please do not post anything which might be triggering to others. This includes pics of self-mutilation, accidental wounds, drugs, nudes, needles, razors, art which contains triggering images, or posting in an idealization tense.

If you feel triggered to cut after reading through this thread you need to speak to a friend or family member about how you're feeling and possibly go to see your doctor or therapist to discuss it further, if necessary. The aim of this thread is for people to quit self-harm and abstain from needing to resort to it as a coping mechanism, and for us to support each other when we need it. Sometimes it's necessary to describe briefly when or to what extent someone has harmed themselves, but going in to full-on explicit detail can be extremely triggering, as you've just found out yourself by reading this thread! This is why we edit stuff like that out.

What made you stop cutting, when you did? Did you just move on and learn to cope in more effective ways? Was it an age-related thing?

 

[Serene Imp]

... I can't let go of cutting, I started when I was in 7th grade and have stopped for a little here and there but I always fall back to it when things get really bad. The longest I stopped was about 3 years, when I was smoking pot everyday. I regret cutting after wards, I hate the scars left over... I don't know how to pull away from it without going back to smoking, which I don't have the money for. Any real suggestions?

 

[n3ophy7e]

My number 1 suggestion to you is exercise. It gets the endorphins pumping and it's cheap (i.e. free if you just go for a jog in the park or around the block every day).

Second to this, in combination with exercise, you should try and seek some sort of counselling/therapy. Depending which country you're in, your health insurance etc, you can get a counsellor for very cheap prices, and some community centres offer counselling for free. Self-harm is a manifestation of psychological troubles, or inability to cope with stress in one's life. Even just talking about your problems and getting things off your chest can help massively. It releases the pressure from bottling up your emotions, which you would normally use cutting to get that release.

Have you had any counselling before? Which country are you in? Please don't feel like you are destined to be addicted to cutting forever, you WILL get passed this

 

[Serene Imp]

Have you had any counselling before? Which country are you in? Please don't feel like you are destined to be addicted to cutting forever, you WILL get passed this

I do exercise every so often but it doesn't help, just makes me want to cut more cause I hate the way I look.

No, I don't want to go talk to some one, have them know all my little dirty secrets, and be analyzing me, thinking I'm a f*cked up human being. I wanted to be a counselor once, took psychology classes, I know what conclusion they'd come up with. I'm in the US. I hope one day I can, without substituting something else that's bad in it's place

 

[n3ophy7e]

I'm a Psychology student as well, and I'm not sure if you realise this but most people who take Psych and become psychologists are/were themselves fucked up at one stage. It's why people like you and me actually have an interest in the field because we've been there ourselves and we want to help others to NOT feel as bad as we did. People do not become psychologists so they can listen to you pour out all your dirty secrets, then have meetings after work and laugh about how fucked up you are. No, that is just in your mind hun. Psychologists and counsellors are genuinely there to help you. Think about the hundreds of people they see each week, with all sorts of weird and scary thoughts and behaviours. They're not going to pick you out of the crowd to label you "fucked up". They listen to you, help you out, then move on to their next client and do the same for them.

Regarding the exercise and body image issue, I know exactly what you mean because I was the same way for many many years. I've had multiple phases of eating disorders, and I've always been hateful/ashamed/disgusted with my body. At first exercise was so hard because I wasn't getting immediate results and it just made me feel like more of a failure. But you need to work at it a little bit each week, and gradually you will see the results. Now I go to the gym nearly every day, I eat healthy, I don't worry about what my body looks like so much, and my brain's working better because it's getting endorphins flowing through it on a regular basis.

Just something to think about.

 

[Ixchellian]

..... most people who take Psych and become psychologists are/were themselves fucked up at one stge.

I give you a big Fuckin' A' on that count. When, I get one that's particularly inept, heavy-handed, or annoying, I try and figure out what *their* baggage is and make them just as uncomfortable as I am, make 'em work for their scratch.
I know I know..... how rotten of me.

People do not become psychologists so they can listen to you pour out all your dirty secrets, then have meetings after work and laugh about how fucked up you are.

neh, y'all'd have a psychologist's wet-dream with me, and prolly yuk-yuks all around.

Psychologists and counsellors are genuinely there to help you. Think about the hundreds of people they see each week, with all sorts of weird and scary thoughts and behaviours. They're not going to pick you out of the crowd to label you "fucked up". They listen to you, help you out, then move on to their next client and do the same for them.

This is exactly the problem with most of the head-shrinkers I've met. They've listened to so many people, they stop *really* listening, and lose touch with people's honesty. Or start taking shortcuts by treating our issues asceptically like a thesis subject; give it a name, and nail it down with meds.

I'm not saying don't go to one; by all means go see a psychologist, catharsis by just outing things helps more times than not.

But if one makes you uncomfortable or just doesn't 'get it', find another. Trust me, there are plenty more in the bushes waiting to take that one's place.

sorry I gotta bust yer chops, n3o....
nothing personal, its just what I do......

like with jarheads.
(try psychoanalyizing one of those)
=)

 

[Ixchellian]

And ya'll know what..... I can add yet another layer to my emotional fuckedupness as of today.
My self-harm, aside from the hot-steel I'm gonna get real familiar with real quick, is trying to be a fuckin' good & true friend to people. It goes wrong in every goddamn instance.
This time it's almost funny on top of everything else.
So I got that going for me, which is nice.

 

[Hannah Capps]

Man I slipped up again after fighting this for 2 weeks...Carved over an old crucifix scar so its nice a lemony fresh again, on the inside of my leg (no one will see as I wear long yoga pants all the time) Still, I can't say I regret it...The pain of obtaining is worse then the actual slice in the skin (for me at least) So yea just one more thing I fail at...woo...

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Hannah try not to think of it as a "fail". That negativity just makes you feel worse about yourself. Don't worry about this, just keep on going as you were for the previous 2 weeks

But if one makes you uncomfortable or just doesn't 'get it', find another. Trust me, there are plenty more in the bushes waiting to take that one's place.

I couldn't agree with you more Ix, after all, psychologists (and doctors and dentists and any other health professional) are only human after all. Different personalities clash so if you're not working well with a particular psych, it's really important that you find one who you do work well with. Like you said, there are plenty out there to choose from (but they're not lurking in the bushes waiting to pounce per se )

sorry I gotta bust yer chops, n3o....

Ain't busting my chops man, everyone's entitled to their own opinion

 

[Help me please]

Ix I do hope you are sleeping today

 

[billyswifey]

Just thought I'd update everyone on my situation, I'm doing really good again, haven't had the urge at all.
I've taken my meds everyday & my fiancee is supporting me 100%, he wasn't even upset when I cut last, he just held me and told me I'm strong enough to get through this.

Everyone at work has been keeping me sane & they're all supporting me in my quest to now be a manager, which is something positive to look forward to.
Home life is improving too, we're back to talking about the wedding & starting a family. The rate we're going I could be pregnant & married by this time next year :D

I love how everything has turned right around for me lately.