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Self-harm support thread v. 3

Bearlove: Mate, it's better that you're at least making an effort to understand and get the correct information, rather than just putting up a brick wall and labelling self-harmers as "fucked in the head" or "attention-seeking", which unfortunately is what most people do.

My triggers in recent years have always been alcohol-fuelled arguments with my partner. The problem with self-harming when you're drunk or high is that you're obviously much less inhibited, so that little voice in your head that tells you to not do it, isn't there. Plus you've got the pain-blocking from the alcohol or drugs so you're much more likely to cut/burn more extensively, sometimes without even knowing it.

When I cut, yes the endorphin release is what I was looking for. But very soon afterwards (and I think this is pretty common with self-harm, as you may have read in this thread), there is a significant sense of regret, guilt, sadness etc. Which of course just continues the vicious cycle!

The beginning of cutting (in my early-teens) for me was definitely due to a lack of adequate communication in my family. I was always the outcast in my family of 7. They all seemed to get along so well and could rely on each other for support, but I never seemed to have that with any of them (and it's still like this now that we're all adults!). My mum has never had any personal experience with any type of mental illness so she genuinely does not understand, so I could never talk to her about how I was feeling. And at the time my dad was going through his own problems with depression so he was no help. So when I was feeling depressed and overwhelmed, I took it out on myself. I'd never even heard of cutting before I started doing it, so I have no idea where I got the idea from!

Something which I neglected to comment on last night which you alluded to in your first post: the element of after-care is important to me, but I'm not sure how important it is for other self-harmers. I've always been very interested in medical stuff. I've always had the highest quality wound dressings, correct disinfectant etc, and always practised very elaborate after-care of the wounds. Not quite sure what that means, if anything. I am a bit of a perfectionist :)
 
Bearlove said:
Thank you so much for that - I was just reading a few of the comments on this thread and people were mentioning (and getting frustrated) that either their 'friends' or 'Parents' didn’t understand it. From an outsiders point of view (removed both emotionally and physically) from the people in the thread I also couldn’t understand the motives. Is there a breakdown in family communication where the person harming cant speak to the parent/partner so the only form of 'release' is self harm?

When you personally were suffering (is this the right word?) from self harm – what would kind of ‘trigger’ would set you off – I.E x happened that led to you cutting yourself. Then when you actually cut yourself how did that change your feelings? Was it the physical pain/endorphin release you wanted.

I’m really sorry for sounding so clueless about this – and I apologise if my posts sound stupid. I can assure you thought that I’m not mocking or taking the piss and I am genuinely interested.
Click to expand...


WARNING: I think this post is potentially triggering.



I don't read this thread much any more - I haven't cut myself for a long time now... But I used to do it and I thought I'd give my thoughts on the matter.

I'd agree with neophyte's post, drugs (but most especially alcohol) can be a big factor. I would often do it when drunk simply because you think far less about the consequences of your actions when drunk. Also it physically hurts less yet still gives the same feeling, possibly even more so.

I used to cut for two reasons, I think. The first was when I was fustrated, ashamed, sad, or generally feeling some intensely negative emotion. In these cases it served mainly as a distraction or a release. It sounds crazy even to me to say it now, but back then, feeling as I did, it was better to feel physical pain than to feel whatever emotional pain might have been in my life at the time. Normally when I did this I would be drunk. It would start as a normal night out but then, often due to some (real or imagined) slight, I would start on a downwards spiral, wander away from my friends and within an hour or so have convinced myself that life was bad enough to warrant cutting. The main thing I regret about this now (apart from my scars which are fairly obvious) is the problems I heaped on my friends. Twice I've been taken to hospital by a group of friends and one time, in particular, I was acting in a very disturbing way. I never properly thanked them or apologised for that night (apart from a muttered apology the day after) but I'll always remember how they stuck by me, even when I was quite literally bleeding over random strangers in the club we were in. It was horrible.

My second reason was when I was in the middle of very deep depression, probably the worst period of my life. For several months I remember feeling just empty, just totally devoid of anything. I used to stand before the mirror trying to catch out my reflection, trying to prove my own existence. In these times, I used self harm as a way of proving to myself that I was real, alive, a true person. It was not only about the pain I inflicted on myself but also about making myself bleed, as if this somehow proved I was alive. Blood is so vivid, so red, that to see it welling out of myself made me feel more solid. Consequently I have very deep scars from this period, most of the cuts proably required several stitches which of course I never got.

As I said then, for me there were two main motivations. I remember them as being quite separate, not only in my 'reasons' but also in my subsequent actions. The first type of SF I would do quickly and brutally. I had rarely been intending to do it more than an hour before and was normally, as I said, quite drunk. I rarely had a razor and would normally resort to smashing a glass or bottle in the pub/club toilet, using the pieces.

The second type was much more drawn out. I would start to fantasize about doing it long beforehand. It would gradually overcome all other thoughts until I simply couldn't think of anything else - I simply had to cut. Everything was ritualized, slow. I had a favourite brand of razorblades, sold in a ten pack that arrived, to my delight, with each blade individually wrapped in folded paper. I would cut gently and repeatedly, gradually widening the cut and watching the blood well up slowly. I know how crazy this all sounds. Writing this now, I can hardly believe I ever did it. But at the time I genuinely believe it helped. Afterwards I could function more normally. I would go downstairs and talk to my parents, or text my friends. But the period of normality only ever lasted an hour, two at the max, and then I was back to where I was before, only with a fresh scar forming....


I'm sorry, this has turned into a sort of cathartic rant. It's proably a bit long. But I hope you learned something.

Planck.
 
^^ Please don't honey. Just put that thought out of your mind. Try to focus on what made the start of the day good, and try to get it back there <3
 
Checking in with everyone. Hope you're okay.
I haven't cut since Saturday...yep I slipped again. I feel pretty stupid but it meant I got the anger out faster than throwing things....I've noticed my violence has raised since I stopped cutting so much. Anyone else found this?

Again, hope you're all okay.
 
No you're not a fuck up honey, you're just going through some tough times and you need to find some other ways to cope with your emotions. It's not your fault though, you're doing the best you can <3

How's things been since your last post?
 
^^ You need help hun, I know it's hard to reach out when you're feeling so lost but once you make the first step it will get so much easier. Please help yourself <3
 
My whole family is in a fight that I have stayed out of. they keep trying to bring me into it anyway. trying to get me to join their respective sides. my mom just forwarded me an e-mail from her sister (my aunt) that they had been going back and forth in. of course, i was dragged in and my aunt tells my mom that she is the reasons I do all the shit I do including cutting. of course my mom takes this as the truth instead of discussing my feelings with me, and of course, i am now blamed for her needing to go to the doctor immediately because she is having chest pains.
 
First Cutting Binge...

This has never happened to me before and I'm honestly looking for some feedback from whoever understands...:?
I had refrained from cutting for about a month and I was really proud of my efforts. I was excited to wear some cute sleeveless outfits for a summer music festival. However, a good load of shit hit the fan and I ended up cutting Sunday morning. Since then, I've found myself cutting several times in what I believe to be a dissociative state. I work retail and my boss told me I was fabulous today, both on the floor and in the stock room. I was indeed effective, but during every private moment I had, I used my box cutter to go at my forearm. I couldn't stop until I got home and had a chance to self-medicate. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I'm freaked out.
 
^^ Hey littlegirlblue, welcome to the cutting thread <3
Cutting can be really addictive, and yes I have experienced the kind of compulsive cutting patterns you're describing. You mentioned a dissociated state? Is this something you've spoken to with a therapist or your doctor before? Have you had any traumatic events in your upbringing or even more recently?
Of course, if you're not comfortable discussing it in the public forum you don't have to. You can PM me if you want to talk about it further.
Do you want to stop this recent cutting binge? What consequences are there of you continuing it?

kc, people can be really cruel, even our most loved ones. It's clear that your family members involved in this feud do not have your best interests at heart and they are being very manipulative. It's just awful :(
Please try not to take it too much to heart though, because it sounds like none of them have even once considered your feelings to do with this issue. They probably have no idea how much they are damaging you by getting you involved. But you are NOT to blame, and it is NOT your fault. Please try to remember that.
 
A few answers...

Danke Neo <3

I have battled anxiety since childhood, self-esteem issues and depression since early adolescence and eating disorders (anorexia/bulimia) for the last eleven years off and on. There is no one traumatic event that I can put my finger on, but mental health issues run heavily in my family. I have not revealed the self mutilation to my psychologist or primary care physician because I am concerned about that kind of information keeping me from receiving full health benefits, etc. I also maintain I've recovered from the EDs. A victim of chronic, severe, hereditary back issues, I need to be able to keep fairly easily access highly scheduled meds when the sciatica kicks in to maintain my sanity. Fun for someone in their early 20s, huh?

I can take an educated guess that the failing health of my mentor (who is like family to me) as well as my medically fragile son's 24/7 care and astronomical expenses are taking a toll on me. However, I have never been so reckless concerning my privacy when I cut in the past.

Although I feel compelled to cut, the urge is not the angry/overwhelmed/agitated yearning I am familiar with. Instead, I want to cut to feel the relief after the storm (serious reminder of purging after a bazaar food binge). I logically don't want to cut as it limits what I can comfortably wear, but I find the coping mechanism soothing.

Consequences are mild at this point. My closest family members and friends know that I've struggled with cutting in the recent past so I expect concern on their behalves. My fiance in particular despises that I cut myself. But mostly I fear if I sought help, my custody of my child would be in danger.

I am on 150mg Zoloft, 15mg Buspar and 15mg Atavan as needed. The Buspar was added last week... Could that send me on a cutting binge? No other side effects I can discern . . .

Thanks for your time again,
LGB
 
^^ Thanks so much for sharing more of your story hun, that takes courage <3
I can relate to SO much of what you've said. I too have battled with both anorexia and bulimia. I definitely understand what you said regarding the likening of the relief of cutting to the relief of purging after a binge. That's a really good point. I'm sure the mechanisms in the brain are somewhat similar because there are many elements of self-destruction which relate to both cutting and purging.

I completely understand your concern for the custody of your son. But I think you need the support of your family so that you can overcome this recent cutting binge. Is there one family member in particular with whom you could confide about this? Your medical professionals won't necessarily need to know, unless you want them to of course.

I just had a quick look at the side effects of Buspar, and mood changes and suicidal thoughts are indeed listed as uncommon side effects of buspirone. Perhaps if you try to keep this in mind, that it could just be a side effect of adjusting to the new medication, then you could try and avoid cutting? Do you think that could help?
 
Shit littlegirlblue im sorry all that happened. I used to be a compulsive cutter too at times though i think mine was due alot to fucked up bipolar episodes im not sure. I used to do it when i had that numb feeling which is if anything worse then the mad frenzy that comes with mania and that is saying alot.

But i havent cut in about a year now even though ive been through some rather rough shit. I said i was never going to do it again but never say never :| .

I hope you start to feel better soon. Also im really surprised your screen name wasent taken. Weird 8o
 
"Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height..."

Thanks Android and Neo for the support.
I have someone who will not judge me that I would benefit from talking with, but he has his own issues and is what I affectionate refer to as "my stray." Difficult to pin down. So I will be looking to this thread to try to get a handle on myself...

PS: Neo, were you ever trained as a classical dancer?
 
Just a quick note to ask how everyone's doing?

I've finally decided enough is enough with my cutting - today is the first day I haven't cut in around 6 months, and I feel fantastic for not doing it. I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror yesterday, staring at my scars - they've solved nothing. That was the push I needed to leave this demonic thing behind.

Wish me luck; I wish it to you all. :)
 
^^ That is so great that you've come to that realisation Sprout, I'm so happy for you. Stay strong! I hope you can channel your emotions in to more constructive paths. Keep us updated with how you're going <3


lgb, no I was never trained as a dancer (although I've been asked if I was a couple of times). I assume you're referring to the anorexia/bulimia thing? I think my body image issues come from always comparing myself to my 2 older sisters who are literally about half my size. Ever since I was about 11 I was as big as they were (they're 6 and 7 years older than me), and then of course I was just growing more and more, and getting taller and taller, and I'm a pretty strong build for a girl (5'9"-ish and 165lb). I still to this day feel inadequate because I'm so much bigger than my sisters. Which is quite ridiculous when you think about it.

Were you formally trained as a dancer? We have an eating disorders thread in The Dark Side as well, if you're interested in checking it out <3
 
Hi everyone,

I am mostly a burner, though I've punched my fair share of solid walls (as to not leave evidence with a hole in the wall) and also purposefully broken a few of my bones. I have not seriously self harmed in a little more than a year, which is awesome. I know I should be proud of myself, but I'm just not. And lately I've been having a huge resurgence of suicidal and self harm ideation. I've been in the hospital for 28 days since April 1st, one stay of 18 days and one of 10. This last time I went in, which was around May 5th, I woke up one morning with my bed all burned... I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and do not remember setting my bed on fire, but obviously I did. I could have killed my grandmother and countless other people who live in this apartment building. So not cool. Nothing like that can ever happen again, and I did get some new memories/information while I was in the hospital, which I believe was why the bed got burned in the first place - 'new' secrets and feeling like I was betraying my mom if we told. But we DID tell, so again I think that is over.

I also currently go to an intensive outpatient program, the hospital I stayed at runs it and it's very good. I've been extremely depressed and made up a medical excuse, because I missed this whole last week of groups. I also relapsed on roxies, five out of the past seven days, and am going through minor withdrawals - it sucks but I don't feel like I'm too bad off with it. I can handle feeling uncomfortable for a few days.

Drug use has been kind of become my 'last resort' coping mechanism when I have suicidal or extremely strong self harm urges - I know it's not okay but I feel like it's better than killing or permanently scarring myself further. My therapist and psychiatrist know about my urges but not that I've used drugs recently. I know I should tell them and IOP, but I don't want to get put in the (extremely useless, not innately - but the therapist isn't very good) dual diagnosis group. There are plenty of us addicts in the trauma group, and I can talk about urges in there. I know I'm rationalizing not telling the people that are trying to help me as best they can. But be that as it may, for now.

I really just want to punch the outside wall over and over and break some knuckles or something. See some blood. I have an adjoining porch on my room and so no one would know what I am doing. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't self harm in this apartment (my grandmother lives here, I live with her, it's actually my dad's apartment but that's a whole other story)... and I've never done it, but I have punched that wall before, which in reality is self harm - and it IS in the apartment, fucking denial is getting me nowhere. I've self harmed in this apartment. And now my head is going crazy with negative self talk. Another broken promise to myself.

I know you guys can't stop me from hurting myself, but just getting some support and also starting to support all of you again will help me out tremendously. I am not the type to tell my trauma survivor friends about how strong the urges are, because I don't want to trigger them - and my only other two friends really doesn't understand, which is okay. Actually they are also both trauma survivors, but they are apparently do not have PTSD, which I am thankful for. I only have four friends total, and only one of them lives in Florida currently. So basically I have my (very unhealthy but no longer abusive) mom, and my therapist and psychiatrist (who are awesome and is where I spend almost all of my very limited income). I stay away from my dad and sister as much as humanly possible, because he is still dangerous and my sister is in total denial that we both got hurt by him. I can't really talk to her because I feel like I have to censor everything I say so that I don't say anything triggering to her, and so she doesn't go on a tangent about how wonderful my dad is. Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling. The idea of seeing blood and bruises right now (only on me, lol) is very, very appealing. It troubles me that I have gotten to this point again, but so far I am not so deep in it that I don't see that I can get out very quickly if I choose to. I've been oversleeping like crazy every day also, by taking extra sleep medication (Seroquel). I have extra since I was in the hospital so much, so I don't have to worry about running out. But I know that while this is better than hurting myself, now I'm just wasting my whole life this way - and I can't keep it up for much longer.

Thanks to anyone who reads or skims this. There is some catharsis in just getting it out.
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<3
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Thank you all!
 
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This is my 3rd day without cutting and I'm already fighting myself not to - I've been as mentally cruel as I could be, running a blade down the veins on my wrist, with barely enough pressure to feel it - but mentally I'm screaming at myself to do it, to just slice the skin again, to feel my own blood warm up my arm. I don't even know why I feel like this, I have nothing to feel bad about - within 3 hours of my girlfriend leaving I'm already wallowing in my own pity, for fuck all; I don't have a single worry, I just feel empty and sadly as though somehow hurting myself will make it better, or at least dull the pain. Supposed to be an update but kinda turned into a vent.
 
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