cowboycurtis
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2011
- Messages
- 187
Ya I often wonder if the happiness and excitement I experience in the moments before a planned lapse are as real as the ones when I’ve been truly happy doing something fun in sobriety. Those moments are few and far between, but despite the fleeting nature of that synthetic euphoria a lapse brings, it’s the only happiness I can really comprehend right now.
I’m feeling a bit more hopeful this time around. Did my last cotton wash last night and although I’m starting to feel it a little bit I’m not experiencing that crushing depression and anxiety that waking up after running out usually brings. I feel ready this time. Gonna take my sub in a little bit and get started on the day. Got court in a couple weeks so I’m trying to think positive. I doubt they’re going to let me continue doing what I’m doing since I can’t document any kind of rehabilitation or anything like that so if they don’t lock me up it’s looking very plausible that I might get forced into rehab. Certainly not a terrible thing, but I kinda like what I got going on right now as long as I can stop relapsing. I guess we’ll see. Main thing is I wanna be clean for sure for the court date.
I’m feeling a bit more hopeful this time around. Did my last cotton wash last night and although I’m starting to feel it a little bit I’m not experiencing that crushing depression and anxiety that waking up after running out usually brings. I feel ready this time. Gonna take my sub in a little bit and get started on the day. Got court in a couple weeks so I’m trying to think positive. I doubt they’re going to let me continue doing what I’m doing since I can’t document any kind of rehabilitation or anything like that so if they don’t lock me up it’s looking very plausible that I might get forced into rehab. Certainly not a terrible thing, but I kinda like what I got going on right now as long as I can stop relapsing. I guess we’ll see. Main thing is I wanna be clean for sure for the court date.