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Recovery My cliché recovery journal

I've considered SMART as well, but just figured it would be the same deal, minus the prayer / spirituality aspect. I've flushed drugs in the past. But whether or not I have the willpower this time around, probably not. The only mental compromise I've made to myself is that I won't inject it. Although I'm also thinking about going to my GP and asking about methadone or subutex, because I just don't see an end to this anymore. Started 13 years ago...
 
Bella Figura said:
I've considered SMART as well, but just figured it would be the same deal, minus the prayer / spirituality aspect. I've flushed drugs in the past. But whether or not I have the willpower this time around, probably not. The only mental compromise I've made to myself is that I won't inject it. Although I'm also thinking about going to my GP and asking about methadone or subutex, because I just don't see an end to this anymore. Started 13 years ago...
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Don't knock it before you try it! SMART is solidly grounded in evidence-based treatment and has empirical data to back up its recommendations. The advice it gives is pretty solid & indisputable - managing your thoughts, feelings & behaviors, maintaining motivation, dealing with stress etc.
 
Didn't mean to sound dismissive of it, I've looked into my local SMART meetings before and contacted the woman running it but chickened out of going... What's the deal with meetings atm and covid? sociallly distanced + masks?
 
Bella Figura said:
Didn't mean to sound dismissive of it, I've looked into my local SMART meetings before and contacted the woman running it but chickened out of going... What's the deal with meetings atm and covid? sociallly distanced + masks?
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They have shifted to online through zoom. They have daily zoom meetings, and you can just watch if you like :)
 
One week clean today! If I make it through tomorrow then it will be my longest period since I first lapsed in September. Really looking forward to it.

There's this crazy thing I've noticed and no matter how many times I experience it I find it really difficult to overcome, and I'm wondering if anyone else has felt the same. When I'm down or depressed, I literally cannot imagine what it's like to be sober & happy. I can't make myself remember being like that, and when I'm really bad part of me suspects that I've never been happy and clean. Then I'll have a day like today - and it's not like I'm euphoric, or anything brilliant has happened, but I finally have a bit of energy and motivation & I realize that the incomprehensible is actually really common, and I do feel happy when I'm clean and living in a positive way, but no matter how many times I go through this I can't make myself emotionally believe it when I'm depressed again. I know the next time I'm down, I will force myself to think cognitively that I will be happy again, but I won't really, deeply believe it. Can anyone relate?
 
I've had a really shitty start to the day. I'm trying my best to turn it around since I know that I have some money hitting my account at midnight tonight, so I've arranged for it to be sent to my Mum the moment it hits to avoid any temptation.

I have been having trouble sleeping recently, but am also trying to wake up earlier each day to get more sunlight. This was going well until today - last night I couldn't sleep for a long time, so I slept right through my alarm till 1PM. I hate only getting a couple hours of daylight, and the moment I opened my eyes I was angry & frustrated at having overslept. Adding to that I then threw up for no discernible reason like an hour later. I don't feel ill but I woke up nauseous and my stomach still feels unsettled. Urgh. And it's been grey & raining for what feels like weeks. So yeah, so far today hasn't been great. I'm actually surprised at the lack of cravings today though - it's not at the forefront of my mind like it has been these past few days. Just have to get through tonight and then Wednesday and then I at least don't have to worry about having money for a little while. It's actually stressful for me to know I'm getting money when I'm clean in the early days, since it's such a huge trigger and I can find myself worrying I'm going to lose control and spend it on drugs.

Relax. Breathe. Re-center myself. I'm reminding myself like @yubacity once said, that my brain may want drugs but it's my legs that have to walk me to go get them. I'm in charge of my body, not my addiction. Plus if I just get through today it's the longest I've gone since September, and I like hitting those little milestones.
 
I know the pain of insomnia all too well...I blasted through my mini lapse. It was shit tbh. Just need to remind myself that.
 
Just a brief update. Day 9 today and going strong. Sent all the money I got last night. Found out today I'm getting an extra £300 I wasn't expecting, and though it would have been SO easy to keep that to myself - money not set aside for anything with no strings attached that literally nobody else is expecting - I told my Mum about it so that she can keep helping me for the time being. Though the trend is upwards, I'm still conscious of the fact that I'm vulnerable at the moment. My emotions and mood is shifting rapidly, and I'm nowhere near stable enough to confidently say that I wouldn't relapse if I had that money sitting in my account. I'm trying to stay focused on the positive, though I must admit my inner addict is trying to persuade me otherwise - but that's all it is, a voice in my head I have to deal with for a while. I'm realistic about that - I know it will be a while before I'm free of the daily struggle, but every day that goes by I'm getting more confident that this is a battle that I can win.
 
rio i'm at work and have a lot to do, been a bit slack on here the past few days, but just wanted to say WELL DONE on telling your mum about the money. that's a really difficult thing to do but you've done the right thing, hopefully you can clear some of your debts but make sure to treat yourself on not drugs too, pleasure and treating yourself in sober ways is a huge aspect of recovery.
 
how you getting on today? have you managed to get your money safely into your mum's bank account? for a long while your brain will have devious thoughts when stuff like that happens but now you've proven you can do the right thing once, it should give you more ammo for next time you end up in a similar situation. your mood is going to be unstable for a loooooonnnnnnngggg time and it gets fucking tiring tbh, but its good to be aware of it. just remember that your addiction is still probably doing a lot behind the scenes that you aren't even aware of so self sabotage can come seemingly out of nowhere.

i hope you've managed to get some daylight. its been fucking shit outside for so long and it definitely affects my mood. it was manchester as fuck outside at lunch time but i forced myself to go for a run, it wasn't fun but sure it did me some good and i feel better about myself having been. its so difficult when your sleep pattern gets shifted, you know that to get it back you have to face some serious tiredness, but then if you're anything like me tiredness is a massive trigger for using, so it seems risky. but then not doing anything and being up for more and more of the night and less and less of the day makes you lose touch with reality pretty quickly, so its kinda a damned if you do, damned if you don't, situation. i need to sort my sleep out, my stupid drinking of late has made it difficult to sleep when i haven't drunk, but wrecks my sleep when i have drunk, so i'm exhausted either way and am just getting more and more tired. not good.

i can totally relate to thinking you will never experience happiness again. its so compelling at the time. somehow the possibility of feeling happiness in the future invalidates your current low mood, so your brain makes it impossible. or thats what my brain does anyway. and then if you'll never be happy clean, there is no point in being clean. i know we discussed before about that annoying 'addiction is a choice' book and i think its one massive (maybe only) merit is the discussion of long term vs short term thinking and its role in addiction. the further you get into addiction the more it makes sense, on the short term, to use, because not using gets more and more painful. whereas in the long term, it never makes sense to use. i think feeling really low and feeling like you can't escape that feeling causes a similar long term vs short term issue, prioritising short term fixes cos the long term is always going to be shit forever. but its wrong.
 
Hey everyone. Its been a rough week for me. I'm back to day 4 today after relapsing last week. I mixed my dope recklessly with benzos and alcohol again and I literally don't remember doing a single shot. It's almost as if I never relapsed, but that's clearly bullshit. I'm feeling good today. Been working all day and I still feel some benefit from the microdose I did yesterday of mushroom tea. Gonna probably do a bigger dose and actually trip sometime in the near future. It's one thing I've never tried and I'm open to anything at this point.

@Rio Fantastic
Glad you're doing well and back to day 6, though I hope it's a week more now. Good going on having your friend pay your dude back for you. We both gotta stop this rollercoaster of relapses soon, but it seems so far away sometimes. I like what you said about remembering how you feel when you run out. It is absolutely soul-crushing waking up the next morning without a wake-up shot, even with bupe to fall back on. And I know I'm gonna feel like that, but I do it anyway because the craving is usually more intense (acutely anyway) than the desire not to feel that way, if I even take the time to consider it. I have a couple court cases coming up in the next couple of months and it's possible I will get locked up or likely forced into rehab, so my cravings and subsequent scheming usually revolves around the whole "one more time" thing. I know it just makes it worse everytime anyway though. The money thing gets me a lot too. It didn't used to because I used to hustle up money on the streets daily. Really had to work for my dope back then. Since having a job for the last 8 years or so, I can't imagine having to go hustle for my goods, especially if I was sick. So yeah, these days running out of money usually equals stopping, but when it comes in now I'm almost immediately thrown into a tail-spin. Got a big government check coming in soon though, so I hope I can resist. Just doing my best to focus on work and staying busy in the meantime.

Hope everyone is doing well and has an awesome week this week!
 
rio how are you? i'm worried given your last post was about getting an extra £300.
 
Hey guys.

Thanks for the rehab advice @chinup - I've sent a message to the one in Walsall.

I managed to send £200 of the £300 to my Mum, but spent £100 on a relapse. Glad I managed to short-circuit it before it played out even more. I'm currently on day 4, and just starting to feel better from the lapse. I am pretty confident I won't use again between now and Christmas, just because I have family obligations on Christmas Day that I don't want to be in that post-relapse depression for. Hopefully once I've strung together a couple of weeks it will then get easier, like it has in the past. Just starting to get my motivation and energy back - I've had less than 0 energy these past 3 days, but now I'm feeling better and more in tune with myself. I really want to do in 2021 what I was meant to do in 2020 and actually get (AND STAY) clean.

Would love to hear how you are all doing - @chinup, @yubacity & @cowboycurtis - & @EPL1 it's been far too long Ash! How are you?
 
Hey people. I don’t usually even go near this site when I’m high, especially not this forum in particular, but I am so disappointed in myself and screaming on the inside. I went and copped yesterday again and got my usual trio of alprazolam, alcohol, and of course heroin. I, again, don’t remember anything after about 4 pm yesterday and I have a couple massive welts on my head from presumably falling or something. I’m convinced sometimes I’m unwittingly attempting to kill myself I was so scared when I finally came too because there was a needle on the floor in plain view and I was supposed to come and grab dinner from the house and I wasn’t sure if I had been caught passed out or something. Luckily that didn’t happen, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m so fucking exhausted. Luckily (with respect to SOME perspectives) I lost a decent amount of my dope in my sloppy state last night and it’s powder so it’s probably not salvageable at this point.
I did another shot this morning, but it was so unenjoyable and I was so filled with guilt and shame I literally sat down and cried. I mean like I balled my eyes out. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I cried. I’m just so miserable and I can’t start getting better until I stop this fucking cycle. I’m writing this especially because I want to remind myself how shitty it really is whenever I have the ridiculous urge to go and cop. And I can’t keep lying to my friend who is giving me this massive opportunity as well as a place to stay. Shit is so not worth it. I don’t understand why the delusion that it is is so strong when you’ve been away for a little while.

@Rio Fantastic
Keep it going brother. Christmas is right around the corner and we can start 2021 fresh!
 
cowboycurtis said:
Hey people. I don’t usually even go near this site when I’m high, especially not this forum in particular, but I am so disappointed in myself and screaming on the inside. I went and copped yesterday again and got my usual trio of alprazolam, alcohol, and of course heroin. I, again, don’t remember anything after about 4 pm yesterday and I have a couple massive welts on my head from presumably falling or something. I’m convinced sometimes I’m unwittingly attempting to kill myself I was so scared when I finally came too because there was a needle on the floor in plain view and I was supposed to come and grab dinner from the house and I wasn’t sure if I had been caught passed out or something. Luckily that didn’t happen, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m so fucking exhausted. Luckily (with respect to SOME perspectives) I lost a decent amount of my dope in my sloppy state last night and it’s powder so it’s probably not salvageable at this point.
I did another shot this morning, but it was so unenjoyable and I was so filled with guilt and shame I literally sat down and cried. I mean like I balled my eyes out. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I cried. I’m just so miserable and I can’t start getting better until I stop this fucking cycle. I’m writing this especially because I want to remind myself how shitty it really is whenever I have the ridiculous urge to go and cop. And I can’t keep lying to my friend who is giving me this massive opportunity as well as a place to stay. Shit is so not worth it. I don’t understand why the delusion that it is is so strong when you’ve been away for a little while.

@Rio Fantastic
Keep it going brother. Christmas is right around the corner and we can start 2021 fresh!
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Dude, you really can turn this into a positive thing. On Christmas Day 2018 I had been clean for like a month, had a wonderful Christmas Day with family but got a little drunk, came home that night and just went and scored immediately. Thankfully the drugs were really bad quality - I wasn't able to get high enough to overcome my guilt & shame. I remember having a similar breakdown of wondering what the fuck I was doing and just being so depressed and upset. However, when a memory like that is your last lapse it can really motivate you to change - if your last memory of getting high is catching a great buzz and enjoying yourself then it's far harder to resist than when you can think back to breaking down over how upset you are at feeling out of control. Hold onto this memory!

I am getting increasingly confident that I will be able to do the rest of 2020 sober. I worry about when I'm 2-4 weeks in when the really bad cravings come, so I need to force myself to learn some healthy coping strategies between now & then. I'm really happy that I've managed to interrupt my acute relapse cycle with 5 days clean, but I can't wait to be 2 months clean again. I know this time around I should avoid relationships, keep my life relatively simple and stress-free & hopefully avoid the pitfalls that have taken me down the past few times I've had a decent amount of clean time.

It's fucking wild that it's almost 2021. I remember NYE 2020 like it was last week, and this whole year has been mostly a blur with a few sharply defined and remembered periods of sobriety - the only parts of the year where I felt like I experienced life since the rest is just time that slips away leaving hardly any memories, no progress, no development etc - just more of the same shit. I want to do 2021 the way i should have done 2020!
 
@Rio Fantastic
Yeah that’s why I wrote it out. I wanted to document that shitty feeling to prepare for future cravings. Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I try to burn those painful experiences into my memory I still tend to look back on my using with a disturbing amount of fondness despite all the bullshit. Talk about euphoric recall.

And shit, I wanna do 2021 the way I should’ve done the last EIGHT years! Still blows my mind. I gotta have something to show for my time on this planet by the time I’m 30 and it’s creeping closer and closer. If the next couple years goes by as quick as the last ones did, then I better throw my ass into gear!
 
cowboycurtis said:
@Rio Fantastic
Yeah that’s why I wrote it out. I wanted to document that shitty feeling to prepare for future cravings. Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I try to burn those painful experiences into my memory I still tend to look back on my using with a disturbing amount of fondness despite all the bullshit. Talk about euphoric recall.

And shit, I wanna do 2021 the way I should’ve done the last EIGHT years! Still blows my mind. I gotta have something to show for my time on this planet by the time I’m 30 and it’s creeping closer and closer. If the next couple years goes by as quick as the last ones did, then I better throw my ass into gear!
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Oh man, it feels like every day the horrific consequences of my using - being completely financially fucked for the last 7 years, not doing any of the normal things people my age have done like learned to drive or got a degree, the abscesses, the desperation, the imploded relationships, the feeling of being out of control - they seem to fade more every day, while that euphoric recall of the few intense highs I get at the beginning of a lapse just get more and more memorable. We definitely have to actively, consciously fight this, since our brains have this natural tendency, and if we don't actively bring the consequences to mind then we could feel fine while the wrong memories are consolidating in the background, waiting for a trigger to set them off.

I recommend writing out the positives and negatives of using and the positives and negatives of not using to combat this. Having it in black and white in front of you can be really helpful in combating our messed up recollections.

Six days today. I'm feeling alright - I keep getting irritable over small things and am trying to force myself to think positively, though. I planned on going to see my friend today - he's been a real close friend and I haven't seen him for a while, but he's an alcoholic and sometimes I resent people enjoying themselves on substances when I'm trying to sober. Will still hit him up though - I ignore all my non-using friends when I relapse, and he especially deserves better. How have you been dude??
 
rio i'm so glad you have contacted one of the rehabs (and if they don't get back to you soon, follow up!), and didn't blow all that cash. you can put it to good use. i hope you're feeling better in advance of the non event that will be covid christmas. i can't believe what a fuckup this year has been. will you be seeing your mum? i'm at my parents now and my sister made it up before they stopped allowing travel out of london.

did you go and see your friend? i know what you mean about resenting people getting fucked up, but i'm pretty sure he won't be having any fun. i don't always resent people, but sometimes, and i think this is worse, i feel smug and superior about it. even though i am not remotely judgemental about people using any drugs in theory, and i never say anything, but before i started drinking with him when my boyf would be hungover i'd be like 'oh i'll make you a coffee and get you some fizzygood before i go for a run' whereas when i drink with him i have way more and feel way worse in the morning and he is usually just nice about what a state i am in.

what are your plans to get through the holiday period clean? you do need to actively plan, and hopefully have a good time though fuck knows what that means right now. now i'm back at my parents who are quite old and take this stuff very seriously (as they should, to be fair), i don't even know when i'll see my boyfriend again. i'm so fecked off though life just feels drab with nothing to look forward to right now. i'd been holding on to the holiday i was supposed to take this year, but has been rearranged for next year, as my 'thing to look forward to to get through the bleakness of winter in lockdown' but now with this new variant i don't even know if i can hold onto that. hopefully now i won't be managing drinking/being hungover the whole time maybe i come up with some genuine constructive things to do in the evening to fill the time, the endless unfilled time was what made me drink.
 
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