Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[somnilicious]

Good going bruv 3 days listen rio first tell you pal who sizzles his gear to do it on his own when i first started i would sizzle more brown than smoke . Bruv friends with benefits does mean you can have sex not be tied down and with a smashing girl you can talk to that is the jackpot . My offer will stand i really owe you rio you pulled me out of the shit that time i really really want someone like you to not waste your life . It does my head in bruv when you disappear i know you on the brown dont stand still my brother .

I'm in the shit Rio I brought a shit load of pregabs and im in fucking deep no shit on my kids im doing nearly 7 grams of the shit and im back on the pods . I can handle the pod or heroin wd but the pregab wd got me scared . I started back on the pods to maybe help me get the pregab down to managable level then jump . My wife and best pal running the show for me now. My wife wants me to either sell my half of the business to my cousin or pay someone to look after my interest but she doesn't want me coming back to UK so often and without her . I started a thread on it here and someone recomened i go to hospital and let them get me of the gabs can i do that in UK but then it be on my file and i lose my HGV license i love my license i dont know . Tell your pals to go fuck move down south get away they will keep dragging u back in the shit

Damn bro.... That is a lot of pregabalin. I definitely feel for you as the withdrawals from this class of drug is very terrifying and on a whole nother level in comparison to opiates. I just had a short stint with gabapentin and phenibut and the withdrawal I experienced was reminiscent enough of benzo withdrawal to sufficiently scare the shit out of me and make me realize it was time to get out the frying pan before I got further burnt.

I would seek help for sure because the withdrawal is extremely dangerous. It had its very own special brand of sheer and unfounded terror. I had some very bizarre paranoid delusions while quitting that became an all encompassing psychosis. I can't really give you advice as I wasn't taking near that equivalency and I was able to taper off but it was still extremely difficult.

I myself am unfortunately dependent on opiates again and will be going back on the government dope juice again because it was really the last time I had some stability in my life. I finished 3 years of school, had a good career, car, house and great relationships but then I decided that the methadone blunted my emotions and I wanted off.....lol.....Fortunately, Unfortunately after all these years of being on. and off the opiates,
the juice will be a needed and welcomed stabilizing force.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@somnilicious good to hear from you man!! sorry to hear you've been having a bit of a hellride, it does sound like methadone is a good option for you if you have had previous success on it. i hope you can regain that stability without too much pain.

you were right that, like any opiate, it blunts your emotions. i mean fucking hell that is part of why we like opiates, all those pesky feelings about stuff, caring, that bloody conscience that stops you from doing what you want all the time, can just be gone. i'm increasingly bitter about having a conscience again, i don't even wanna do anything terrible but now if i feel like something minorly inconvenient is the right thing to do then i find myself having to do it and many minor inconveniences add up to one major inconvenience. i really loved giving no shits about anything or anyone.

anyway, enough about me. i wish you all the best i really do, maybe once you have stabilised on the juice and got your life back on track you can think about reducing the dose if you are concerned about being blunted, but that'll be a long way down the line. for now just make sure not to beat yourself up and be kind to yourself while you're getting everything sorted.

 

[Bella Figura]

Have to echo the statement of stop hanging out around people who still use. The temptation will always be there. I cut out everyone I know who used hard drugs, even ones I don't care for like cocaine, just because I know if it's there, there's a chance that dickhead 'friend' will offer me some.

The look on my heroin dealers face when I told him 'in case I never see you again' - this was 7/8 years ago. The satisfaction gained from sticking to that has been tremendously rewarding, however since then - I've mastered online purchasing, so dealing with a whole new beast.

 

[yubacity]

Damn bro.... That is a lot of pregabalin. I definitely feel for you as the withdrawals from this class of drug is very terrifying and on a whole nother level in comparison to opiates. I just had a short stint with gabapentin and phenibut and the withdrawal I experienced was reminiscent enough of benzo withdrawal to sufficiently scare the shit out of me and make me realize it was time to get out the frying pan before I got further burnt.

I would seek help for sure because the withdrawal is extremely dangerous. It had its very own special brand of sheer and unfounded terror. I had some very bizarre paranoid delusions while quitting that became an all encompassing psychosis. I can't really give you advice as I wasn't taking near that equivalency and I was able to taper off but it was still extremely difficult.

I myself am unfortunately dependent on opiates again and will be going back on the government dope juice again because it was really the last time I had some stability in my life. I finished 3 years of school, had a good career, car, house and great relationships but then I decided that the methadone blunted my emotions and I wanted off.....lol.....Fortunately, Unfortunately after all these years of being on. and off the opiates,
the juice will be a needed and welcomed stabilizing force.

How you doing my brother the 7grams was the high i reached when wd from poppy pods now. Im back on the pods im consuming 5000 mg so will cut 2 300 mg tablets out a week and once on around 1200 mg do a quick taper i have jumped at 3000 mg before it was fucking hell but i got no terror just a mental headfuck like no sleep depression and being so cold and lethargic.

For some the government juice is good they can sort out their lives and stop the spiral of losing everything you may have blunted emotions but atleast you live a sort of normal life. Then in the future you can come of that if you wish but like you know its a cunt of a wd but atleast you have a life on methadone

 

[yubacity]

Rio!! Stop hanging out with people who use. it only goes badly. cut them off. its fucking hard but its necessary. i'm glad you have pulled yourself up and contained it to one day. i am on day 3 of actually no opiates at all. have been a bit sick but not too bad, mostly sleep fucked up. its so fucking annoying. i'm really worried cos i have at absolute minimum 2 more dental surgeries in the near future and i either have to go through this again or do it with just paracetamol and ibuprofen. i honestly thought i'd been in recovery long enough for my opiate receptors to be back to roughly normal, but apparently not. i dunno if i fucked that up when i had my 2 blips on the dark. so fucking annoying!

i'm glad you've reached a good arrangement with your girl. just remember to concentrate on yourself. it is the best thing for both of you. are you doing any online meetings? they are annoying as fuck but i still get some benefit from them.

yuba that sounds horrible! i think your wife is right about you not spending so long in the UK on your own, it clearly doesn't do you any good. i don't see that as long as they have no reason to think you have been driving while using,it would affect your license. but i don't think you can just walk in and get a detox. there is a long waiting list for NHS facilities and they try and bring you down off things way too quick to get you out asap. if you can afford to go private then you won't have to wait, but it'll be dear.

Chin up I'm going to hire someone to run things with my cousin I can't be here mate it gets me back in the drug spiral . In the states i smoke weed it legal in california im scared to smoke their shit gear laced with fent so mentally im calm plus i know no one who gets pregabs . I will detox myself i have a big stash of pregabalin and will get it done in 2 months i have jumped at 1200 and 3000 mg before this time get to around 300 mg a day then it not to bad .

how are you doing chinup on day 5 of opiate wd is it feeling a little be

 

[somnilicious]

@chinup and @yubacity.... I'm doing quite well now that I dropped the gabas and I've been buying mdone off the street for the last 3 weeks but it has been really inconsistent . I've often been left without and sick so I can't wait to be back on a decent dose full time.

It is amazing how much it slows my racing mind and levels out my emotions. I knew that I've been having a tough time since getting off the juice years ago but I hadn't realized just how unstable and batshit crazy I've actually been until I started dosing again recently. I actually feel like a normal person again and I honestly think I'm going to stay on for a while this time.

My depression, anxiety, brain fog, extreme insomnia and emotional instability has almost disappeared over night and only returns when my guy falls through and I've been left without the juice and sick. I was suffering bad social anxiety, agoraphobia, constant relapses and adhd to the point that I couldn't even enjoy hobbies, reading or anything that required concentration because my mind was always such a jumbled and confusing mess.

I can't wait to see what the future brings. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm free. I had been living in my own personal hell and it's as if the cell door to my prison suddenly swung open to a glorious summer day.

Thank you both so much for the well wishes. I hope all is well that ends well for you's 2.

 

[yubacity]

@chinup and @yubacity.... I'm doing quite well now that I dropped the gabas and I've been buying mdone off the street for the last 3 weeks but it has been really inconsistent . I've often been left without and sick so I can't wait to be back on a decent dose full time.

It is amazing how much it slows my racing mind and levels out my emotions. I knew that I've been having a tough time since getting off the juice years ago but I hadn't realized just how unstable and batshit crazy I've actually been until I started dosing again recently. I actually feel like a normal person again and I honestly think I'm going to stay on for a while this time.

My depression, anxiety, brain fog, extreme insomnia and emotional instability has almost disappeared over night and only returns when my guy falls through and I've been left without the juice and sick. I was suffering bad social anxiety, agoraphobia, constant relapses and adhd to the point that I couldn't even enjoy hobbies, reading or anything that required concentration because my mind was always such a jumbled and confusing mess.

I can't wait to see what the future brings. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm free. I had been living in my own personal hell and it's as if the cell door to my prison suddenly swung open to a glorious summer day.

Thank you both so much for the well wishes. I hope all is well that ends well for you's 2.

Its good to hear you feeling much better on methadone how long before you getting it legit and don't have to worry about a fuck up in supply and getting sick. I only know a couple of guys that are on it and they leading normal lives and say they will stay on it for a long time. If it works for you stops all the mind games then it a medicine just like any other to help you my brother good luck

 

[somnilicious]

Its good to hear you feeling much better on methadone how long before you getting it legit and don't have to worry about a fuck up in supply and getting sick. I only know a couple of guys that are on it and they leading normal lives and say they will stay on it for a long time. If it works for you stops all the mind games then it a medicine just like any other to help you my brother good luck

Thanks bro..... I got the appointment set for Tues afternoon, so I'll start getting dosed that day. I got lucky and scored enough Mdone to be comfortable till then.

I also see methadone as my necessary medicine. I got in a fight with this girl I've been talking to because she wanted to borrow a large sum of money that I didn't have at the time and she went into a rant about me still being a strung out junky. She was being extremely patronizing in telling me that I wasn't in recovery and then she started quoting the AA big book so I hung up on her and blocked her #. I don't have the time or room in my life for that kind of shit.

Sometimes I really hate the word "recovery". It's thrown around so much and nobody can ever really tell me what it means, though everybody seems to think that they have a special little slice of it that you don't. More often than not the pretentious "program" robots use it as a condescending tool to try'n knock you down a peg and denote their supposed superiority over you. It's extremely off putting and really serves against the attraction over promotion principle that is the programs stated method of operation.

The tools I use to live an improved, fentanyl overdose free life aren't anybody's business and if they don't approve then they can go fuck off talk to their sponsors or something...lol.... Sorry bout the rant mate. How ya doing with the pregabs? You can visit a doc or detox in the states without fear of any reprisals.

 

[yubacity]

Brother fuck what anybody tries to tell you about recovery. The whole point is to get off the destructive life of addiction and start living a normal life. You got your supply until Tuesday so you won't get sick and can start getting your dose after that. If this works for you then do it nobody is going to live your life you do what's best for you the whole point is to lead a normal life and methadone does it for you it's your medicine just like how a diabetic uses insulin to live their life


Brother, I'm down to the 4000 to 4500 mg a day mark its gone down quickly and with the amount I'm doing i not had a withdrawal dropping down except for feeling cold and a little bit of fatigue. The next goal is to drop 1500 mg over next week i think i be down to goal of 1200 mg within this December then do a taper down to nothing over january before flying back to the states . If this dont work i will fly back to the US and book straight into a detox then start to see someone to help stay of drugs that the plan. My wife finally had enough of my troubles she putting foot down no coming back to UK without her and have to get help to stay clean I'm glad in a way I cant do it lets do it her way. Bruv do what you have to do to live your life in a better place mentally friends come and go relatives have their own motive you are your own boss good luck Tuesday

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Good going bruv 3 days listen rio first tell you pal who sizzles his gear to do it on his own when i first started i would sizzle more brown than smoke . Bruv friends with benefits does mean you can have sex not be tied down and with a smashing girl you can talk to that is the jackpot . My offer will stand i really owe you rio you pulled me out of the shit that time i really really want someone like you to not waste your life . It does my head in bruv when you disappear i know you on the brown dont stand still my brother .

I'm in the shit Rio I brought a shit load of pregabs and im in fucking deep no shit on my kids im doing nearly 7 grams of the shit and im back on the pods . I can handle the pod or heroin wd but the pregab wd got me scared . I started back on the pods to maybe help me get the pregab down to managable level then jump . My wife and best pal running the show for me now. My wife wants me to either sell my half of the business to my cousin or pay someone to look after my interest but she doesn't want me coming back to UK so often and without her . I started a thread on it here and someone recomened i go to hospital and let them get me of the gabs can i do that in UK but then it be on my file and i lose my HGV license i love my license i dont know . Tell your pals to go fuck move down south get away they will keep dragging u back in the shit

So does your wife know about the pregabs?? Can you get gabapentin, yuba for the pregab withdrawals? I think that would be a lot better for you than using pods to come off the pregabs! Gabapentin is milder than pregabs so you could take them to stop the pregab withdrawal then when you jump off the gabapentin the withdrawal shouldn't be bad at all. Please don't fall back into the opiate rabbit hole yuba - it's not too late to turn it around mate. If you can't get gabapentin then shoot me a message and I could post some to you, my friend gets loads of them and gives them away for practically nothing.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Just thought I'd post an update. I'm doing OK in terms of sobriety, and things are going great with my ex-girlfriend, who's now just a friend with benefits situation. I've been having some really bad cravings recently though, and it's just been intensified because I'm in a really stressful situation. I've managed to get myself into fucking debt with a drug dealer again, and the guy is going crazy threatening me over just £70. That's the amount I actually owe him, but now he's also threatening to add on interest and doing all the usual bullshit. I'm not that scared for myself to be honest since if I get the shit kicked out of me then I deserve it, but I'm worried because my friend has told me that he's been asking where my family lives. He can't really do anything to me unless he catches me out and about since there are cameras outside my building, but my mum & brother only live round the corner and I'm really scared he's going to do something to them, even if it's just put a brick through the window or some shit. I can't believe all this fucking stress I get myself into from fucking drugs. I get paid again on the 10th December but I've been asking around to see if there's some kind of cash in hand work I can get till then just so I can get this asshole off my back.

I hope everyone else is doing well. The main thing is at least I'm still sober, and I am going to do my best to not let this fuck with that.

 

[cowboycurtis]

Hey Rio. I know I'm kind of new to this thread, but I now have a vested interest in it, especially since I've been trying to get clean since about the same time you started this thread. Glad to hear you're doing well and still clean. I myself just crossed off a week today. I'm also experiencing some pretty intense cravings, but I've made it pretty fucking difficult for myself to go and score, so that and a little suboxone definitely has been getting me through it. It's like that perfect time of year where I live where it's the perfect temperature (like high 60's low 70's(20ishC)) right in the sunshine all day so that's been getting me motivated to get outside and get work done and not focus on my shitty thoughts. I'd say Happy Thanksgiving, but you know...

Edit: Also man be careful trying to pay back your dude. I've been there before telling myself I'm just going to pay back my guy, but I end up copping too. Maybe try to just bring enough or have a trusted friend do it. Or shit it's 2020, I'm sure dealers have Venmo and the like these days. I've never had a connect that really knew where I or my family lived so that's kind of scary, but I generally just don't like to burn people.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hello all! oh my god i wrote a long reply on this thread on saturday but was apparently too drunk to press post so it probably wasn't my best material. i made a big mistake and bought a bottle of gin on friday. my boyfriend was attempting a dark souls speedrun so i was bored out of my own mind and drank like half of it in about 2 hours then went and passed out while wondering if i was about to be sick. then finished the bottle on saturday and bought another one. ffs. barely made a dent in the second one but i'm not happy with myself. no substances yesterday at least.

weirdly my stomach is in a better state than it would have been if i'd drunk even half the units in beer.

only really annoying thing is i did take codeine on saturday, for legit pain management reasons, my back was fucked cos i carried way too much weight on it, but am now slightly ill. so now i have fucked my opioid receptors to the extent that i can't use them at all.

good to hear you are stabilising @somnilicious and yes if you need methadone to get your life back on track then don't let idiots make you feel bad about it. i really hate the way that people are so petty about this shit in the fellowship. i still stand by it in that it really helped me, and i still do meetings, but people who seem to throw themselves in without any discernment often seem to have had nothing in their life but drugs ever prior to getting clean, which isn't their fault, generally low intelligence, also not their fault, but done very little with their life outside the fellowship since they got clean, which is totally their fault. i really feel like there should be some sort of NA for moderates who actually have a life.

rio that is fucking ridiculous for £70, what a douchebag. i really hope the guy is just talk. and also your associates a) don't know where your family live or b) aren't bastardly enough to give their details out. have you found any work or managed to sort it out? i hope this is motivating you to work hard to stay clean instead of feeling hopeless and like you wanna jack it in.

yuba glad your cousin can sort out the business. lets face it california is not bad, or at least the parts i've been to (i lived in santa barbara for a year when i was a kid). your wife and kids will bring you more joy than the odd bender followed by horrific withdrawals. i really feel like you should get some therapy too. in fact everyone in this thread should get some therapy.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey guys.

5 days clean today. Feeling positive again - the last couple of years I usually manage a decent stretch of sobriety round now. I think I start to get used to winter and the added motivation of NOT wanting to be going through this shit during Christmas/NYE. I know I'm really early on but I'm also in that stage of early sobriety where I get more clear-headed, energetic etc each day so it's making it easy to stay on track. My friend also paid my dealer back for me and I'm paying him back over the next few weeks, so that's one less thing I have to stress about. I hope you guys are doing well @chinup @yubacity

Thanks for the message @cowboycurtis - are you still doing OK?

 

[tired of crap]

Congrats on your 5 days.
I’ve been off and on myself lately.

Got 3 days off now. As yourself the thought of doing this all holiday season is exhausting. So not is as good of time as any to stop,

I find it’s important to manage my down time because as they “idle hands [blah blah blah].How are you spending your free time?

 

[Jabberwocky]

i really hope you can use not wanting christmas/new year using as a motivation to get a decent stretch clean. you are so much better than this man honestly i feel for you. i have so much respect for how committed you are, a lot of people expect someone else to do their recovery for them and give up the first time their expected to do something off their own bat. so no matter how many lapses you have i won't lose faith in you. but i am increasingly of the opinion that this cycle of lapses needs some sort of definitive plan to break. rehab would be best by far but if you can't do that then at least try and get your key worker at cgl to help you come up with a proper plan, that uses up all of your time 24/7 for at least 3 months. that is honestly how i stayed clean the first few months, but i did have enjoyable stuff in there too like playing the bass. lol i'd also intended to learn russian but didn't get time for that.

i have had an ok week, not so much stupidity with alcohol and my mate from NA who is also a hardcore muslim is coming over tonight for a girls night so i know i won't drink around her. looking forward to having a weekend day when i'm not too hungover to function, black mould has started growing on my bathroom wall so will be good to have the energy to actually clean that up before it gets too much. god adulting is boring sometimes.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Congrats on your 5 days.
I’ve been off and on myself lately.

Got 3 days off now. As yourself the thought of doing this all holiday season is exhausting. So not is as good of time as any to stop,

I find it’s important to manage my down time because as they “idle hands [blah blah blah].How are you spending your free time?

Congrats on the 3 days! To non-addicts that may seem like a short space of time, but those of us with experience know that 1 day can feel like a month when you're in a constant battle with your own mind.

I totally agree about the down-time part. I have a bunch of goals that I want to achieve but I am being reasonable and setting small targets and increasing it over time - I've found if I overwhelm myself then I'm much more likely to say "fuck it all", whereas if I build it up slowly I have a much better track record of getting some semi-reasonable clean time. At the moment I am doing a lot of reading and listening to a few podcasts - there's a brilliant addiction related podcast called Dopey that I'd recommend to anyone with this affliction. I also listen to Chapo Trap House & Cumtown (absolutely hilarious). I was going to the gym to lift weights with a friend before lockdown, and now the gyms are back open as soon as I'm financially able to - which will be next week - I'll be going there again. I also want to restart my meditation and the self-study course I was doing, so I have plenty to fill my time with. Boredom isn't a giant issue for me - I get mood swings but the lows are usually depression/cravings rather than boredom. How about you? Also, are you taking any maintenance meds or anything? You're coming off opiates as well, right?

i really hope you can use not wanting christmas/new year using as a motivation to get a decent stretch clean. you are so much better than this man honestly i feel for you. i have so much respect for how committed you are, a lot of people expect someone else to do their recovery for them and give up the first time their expected to do something off their own bat. so no matter how many lapses you have i won't lose faith in you. but i am increasingly of the opinion that this cycle of lapses needs some sort of definitive plan to break. rehab would be best by far but if you can't do that then at least try and get your key worker at cgl to help you come up with a proper plan, that uses up all of your time 24/7 for at least 3 months. that is honestly how i stayed clean the first few months, but i did have enjoyable stuff in there too like playing the bass. lol i'd also intended to learn russian but didn't get time for that.

i have had an ok week, not so much stupidity with alcohol and my mate from NA who is also a hardcore muslim is coming over tonight for a girls night so i know i won't drink around her. looking forward to having a weekend day when i'm not too hungover to function, black mould has started growing on my bathroom wall so will be good to have the energy to actually clean that up before it gets too much. god adulting is boring sometimes.

Thank you chinup! Your continued support, despite you having problems of your own, has honestly been awesome. How are you doing generally with the drinking? Do you have a date in mind to stop it?

You may be right about rehab, but I hope you aren't, since I emailed a couple places already and was told that they don't offer free places. Would you mind PMing me the names of specific places again? I think you did it before but I had to clear my inbox. Even without rehab though staying busy seems essential. I have noticed that even when I do things I don't want to do - for example, I am tutouring a friend's daughter in English twice a week, and I often dread going since I'm just not mentally fantastic at the moment and she isn't always the easiest pupil, but then it's not till I leave that I notice that in the 2-3 hours I spend there I haven't thought about drugs at all. I think it will be essential for me to find as many activities as possible where time just seems to fly by without me noticing, since those are the things that really occupy me, whereas if I'm doing something passive like scrolling through Reddit or whatever then the cravings can sneak up on me.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Day 6 today. I am feeling mostly pretty good. One small concern is I've applied for an assistance grant through my local council, and if I get approved part of me keeps telling myself that this will be free money that nobody knows about hitting my account that doesn't have to be accounted for and would make it very easy to relapse. Since I keep having to fight this thought back, I have decided if I get approved I will tell my Mum, who I owe a lot of money to, so that I can just send it to her. Money stops being a trigger only when I have real clean time, in these early days it's like a shortcut from sober & committed to insane cravings and obsession, so it's good for me to not have access at the moment. If I do 2 more days then it will be the longest I've gone since I first used again back in September, so I'm really trying to stay focused and work through the inevitable cravings. I am trying to mentally rehearse cravings before they happen - I know I will feel miserable, I know that I will get a jolt of excitement at the thought of using, I know that a BIG part of me won't WANT to try any strategies to avoid using, so I'm making a plan for when those hit.

What has worked for me in the past is thinking back to when I inevitably run out of money & drugs - last time, 6 days ago, was horrendous. I woke up at 7PM, I felt so empty & low I wanted to kill myself, and it felt like I was at the bottom of a very deep hole that I'd dug for myself with no way out. It was just fucking awful, and I'm going to try and remember that and put it at the forefront of my mind next time I have a craving. I will also remember the many days I've sat through cravings, and how happy and relieved I feel the next day when I reflect on the fact I didn't give in. Hopefully this will help when those bolt from the blue, white-knuckle cravings hjit.

 

[Bella Figura]

I think I'm reaching the point where I'm considering attending NA meetings. Only ever been to one and I totally hated it obviously. Public speaking, prayer, people. Things I usually avoid entirely. But I think I need the human connection.

Congrats on your 6 days Rio. I haven't used heroin in a couple of weeks. Relapsing imminently because it's already in the post.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I think I'm reaching the point where I'm considering attending NA meetings. Only ever been to one and I totally hated it obviously. Public speaking, prayer, people. Things I usually avoid entirely. But I think I need the human connection.

Congrats on your 6 days Rio. I haven't used heroin in a couple of weeks. Relapsing imminently because it's already in the post.

If you really want to stop you could always flush it when it arrives. Easier said than done, I know, but it's not totally impossible. I've always preferred SMART Recovery to NA, but neither have been particularly successful for me yet!