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Ya I often wonder if the happiness and excitement I experience in the moments before a planned lapse are as real as the ones when I’ve been truly happy doing something fun in sobriety. Those moments are few and far between, but despite the fleeting nature of that synthetic euphoria a lapse brings, it’s the only happiness I can really comprehend right now.

I’m feeling a bit more hopeful this time around. Did my last cotton wash last night and although I’m starting to feel it a little bit I’m not experiencing that crushing depression and anxiety that waking up after running out usually brings. I feel ready this time. Gonna take my sub in a little bit and get started on the day. Got court in a couple weeks so I’m trying to think positive. I doubt they’re going to let me continue doing what I’m doing since I can’t document any kind of rehabilitation or anything like that so if they don’t lock me up it’s looking very plausible that I might get forced into rehab. Certainly not a terrible thing, but I kinda like what I got going on right now as long as I can stop relapsing. I guess we’ll see. Main thing is I wanna be clean for sure for the court date.
 
chinup said:
rio i'm so glad you have contacted one of the rehabs (and if they don't get back to you soon, follow up!), and didn't blow all that cash. you can put it to good use. i hope you're feeling better in advance of the non event that will be covid christmas. i can't believe what a fuckup this year has been. will you be seeing your mum? i'm at my parents now and my sister made it up before they stopped allowing travel out of london.

did you go and see your friend? i know what you mean about resenting people getting fucked up, but i'm pretty sure he won't be having any fun. i don't always resent people, but sometimes, and i think this is worse, i feel smug and superior about it. even though i am not remotely judgemental about people using any drugs in theory, and i never say anything, but before i started drinking with him when my boyf would be hungover i'd be like 'oh i'll make you a coffee and get you some fizzygood before i go for a run' whereas when i drink with him i have way more and feel way worse in the morning and he is usually just nice about what a state i am in.

what are your plans to get through the holiday period clean? you do need to actively plan, and hopefully have a good time though fuck knows what that means right now. now i'm back at my parents who are quite old and take this stuff very seriously (as they should, to be fair), i don't even know when i'll see my boyfriend again. i'm so fecked off though life just feels drab with nothing to look forward to right now. i'd been holding on to the holiday i was supposed to take this year, but has been rearranged for next year, as my 'thing to look forward to to get through the bleakness of winter in lockdown' but now with this new variant i don't even know if i can hold onto that. hopefully now i won't be managing drinking/being hungover the whole time maybe i come up with some genuine constructive things to do in the evening to fill the time, the endless unfilled time was what made me drink.
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Thanks chinup! Yeah if they haven't got back to me by the new year I'll email them again.

I'm not too worried about Christmas. I will be with my Mum & brother and it's just not a big trigger for me generally. NYE is what I'm frightened of. My friend is going to a NYE party that will revolve around coke/speed/alcohol, so me going is just out of the question (and would be irresponsible with the current conditions anyway) but spending NYE alone is so depressing. I did it last year voluntarily too and it just makes me feel lonely and ramps up my cravings. Might see if there's some kind of online sobriety event I can attend - maybe there's an online SMART meeting or some kind of equivalent to the NA NYE party? I want to do SOMETHING!

I did go and see my friend. I had a good time, and I have made a resolution that to avoid isolation I will either go and see a friend every day or do an online meeting. That way I'm not spending too much time alone & in my head. I made an excuse to leave after about 3 hours as he got increasingly drunk - he's great to talk to when he's sober or only drank a certain amount, but then he starts repeating himself and getting overbearing when he's had too much, so that's the point I bounce.

I'm keeping relatively busy. SMART meetings, meditation, going to start running again today, reading, listening to podcasts. I do need to find a more active hobby though - thinking of picking up my brother's guitar and teaching myself again. I don't struggle too much with boredom - I've made lists of things to do when I'm feeling bored, and I've always been of the mentality that boredom is a choice. However I do know what you mean about some days just being fucking drab though! Could you be feeling gloomy like this because you have been forced to reduce your drinking recently?? What are your plans for the holidays??

cowboycurtis said:
Ya I often wonder if the happiness and excitement I experience in the moments before a planned lapse are as real as the ones when I’ve been truly happy doing something fun in sobriety. Those moments are few and far between, but despite the fleeting nature of that synthetic euphoria a lapse brings, it’s the only happiness I can really comprehend right now.

I’m feeling a bit more hopeful this time around. Did my last cotton wash last night and although I’m starting to feel it a little bit I’m not experiencing that crushing depression and anxiety that waking up after running out usually brings. I feel ready this time. Gonna take my sub in a little bit and get started on the day. Got court in a couple weeks so I’m trying to think positive. I doubt they’re going to let me continue doing what I’m doing since I can’t document any kind of rehabilitation or anything like that so if they don’t lock me up it’s looking very plausible that I might get forced into rehab. Certainly not a terrible thing, but I kinda like what I got going on right now as long as I can stop relapsing. I guess we’ll see. Main thing is I wanna be clean for sure for the court date.
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Nothing gives me the same excitement I had just before scoring. I would get so excited it would be physically uncomfortable. My heart would be racing, I couldn't sit still, sometimes I'd even feel nauseous. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that that level of anticipation and excitement was artificial - most normal people don't feel that gut-wrenching excitement on a regular basis, and expecting that from sobriety would be unrealistic. However, normal people also don't have to go through the misery & depression we inflict on ourselves, and after all, that excitement is just the positive side of desperation, which is what would occur when we can't get the object of our excitement. Normal people don't have that intense longing that we go through all the time when we're using! I think that trade-off is more than worth it!

If you have a date to stay clean for, hopefully by the time it rolls around you will have found more reasons to stay that way!!

7 days today. Feeling positive, though it's my ex-girlfriend's birthday today. She told me in no uncertain terms she didn't think it was a good idea we stayed friends - she's got it into her head that me dating her and relapsing was just me being manipulative and uncaring from the start, and nothing I can say or do is changing that impression. Think I'll shoot her a brief FB message anyway just to say happy birthday, but I'll do it without expecting a reply or anything back. Starting to look forward to Christmas more and I'm getting more & more thankful as time goes on that I will be sober for it!
 
8 days! So glad I went running yesterday. I'm going to go again today. It made a really dramatic difference in my mood and then I did an online SMART meeting last night that was great. One thing that REALLY resonated with me was "Don't focus on sobriety as being a deprivation - sobriety is embracing life, so focus instead on all that you gain from being sober". That has really made me change how I'm looking at this - it's natural to view recovery as being about self-denial, but really it's about giving yourself a real life. When I think of all the things I've lost from my using - relationships, opportunities, time, money - it's clear that sobriety isn't about just denying myself heroin, but about giving myself all the things that I've been denying myself. The things that really matter.

That's why I love meetings. Sometimes I go and wonder why I bothered, other times I go and something resonates with me and can change my whole outlook. Really glad I did it, and again for anyone struggling I can't recommend the SMART online meetings enough.

Going to go running again today, and even opened up my TEFL workbook again this morning. Only read it for about half an hour, but it's a start. I'm going to start putting more time into it once Christmas etc is out the way. I'm actually looking forward to being out these holidays - though I'm sure I'll enjoy Christmas Day, I'm still worried about NYE since I'll be alone. Once it's January 1st and I don't have that weird self imposed social pressure to fuck with my head I'll feel a bit more at ease!!
 
Congrats on 8 days Rio! Question: do you take small amounts of buprenorphine to get over that half-week to week-long hump like I do or do you maintain indefinitely? It’s amazing how just using for a couple days at this later stage in the game turns into a full-on bout of dope sickness. When I was younger I could go weeks at a time and a cold-turkey kick didn’t really bother me too terribly. For that reason buprenorphine is both a life-saver and a sneaky fucker.

Good going on the running too. I’ve been wanting to start running, or at the very least some type of exercise, especially now that I’m just vaping. Tried to do some pull-ups and what not on some suspended acrobatic rings and I was put to shame by my buddy and promptly realized how out of shape I am. I’m so fucking ready to be healthy for a change.

Day 2 for me, but I’m feeling hopeful. Been wanting to hit some meetings, but honestly I’ve been using them as an excuse to go score once they started opening up again here. I think they might start to close again though, so that might be a good thing. I think I’ll look into some online meetings in the meantime.

Edit: I was gonna say it was a little cold today but then I stopped myself because I knew I’d be made fun of. I’m glad I did too, because I just put in the weather for Birmingham (I think that’s what I’ve read) and holy shit that looks miserable. It’s only 60 degrees F (like 17 C?) here but it’s cloudy and windy so I’m fucking cold. Such a California boy I am.
 
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Aghhhhhh! Fuck me sideways! I just randomly checked my finances and I got $1200 dropped in my account. I literally feel like I’m about to have a heart attack right now I just got so excited. Scheming hard right now but there’s still hope. I’m trying really hard not to focus on it right now.
 
well done rio! hope you enjoyed your run too. it is amazing how good running (and probably other exercise) is for mood, even if you really can't be arsed and thus do a half arsed job of it.

it is completely right that sobriety isn't about deprivation. your addiction has taken most of your 20s, you should have a degree and a decent job by now and you don't purely cos of using. you aren't treating yourself by perpetuating your current situation, abstinence from drugs is the only way you can get to the life you deserve, and the longer you use for the harder it will be to get to that life.

you are right that boredom is in some sense a choice- but i think that's where using drugs that make you feel like shit comes in, cos you feel too crap to do anything but watch tv or play video games, both of which can be fun but not when its all evening every evening. i just don't have anything that i feel truly excited about to occupy my time with. sure i can read a bit more or practise my guitar more, which are the two activities i really wanted to do when we first went into lockdown- but i've done both loads now. there's only so much time i can spend cooking or exercising. i'm just at a complete loss for how i'm supposed to fill evenings in a none-boring way, even if i'm not hungover i'm usually quite tired if i've actually worked hard in the day.

i'm finding not drinking at my parents harder than i thought- i think there being the option of maybe 1 or 2 drinks in the evening is harder than drawing a line under it and saying i'll have none.

@cowboycurtis fuck man getting money when you're only a few days in must be really difficult. is there anyone you can trust that you can transfer it to? thats a decent chunk of cash that you could do something meaningful with, try not to piss it away!
 
cowboycurtis said:
Congrats on 8 days Rio! Question: do you take small amounts of buprenorphine to get over that half-week to week-long hump like I do or do you maintain indefinitely? It’s amazing how just using for a couple days at this later stage in the game turns into a full-on bout of dope sickness. When I was younger I could go weeks at a time and a cold-turkey kick didn’t really bother me too terribly. For that reason buprenorphine is both a life-saver and a sneaky fucker.

Good going on the running too. I’ve been wanting to start running, or at the very least some type of exercise, especially now that I’m just vaping. Tried to do some pull-ups and what not on some suspended acrobatic rings and I was put to shame by my buddy and promptly realized how out of shape I am. I’m so fucking ready to be healthy for a change.

Day 2 for me, but I’m feeling hopeful. Been wanting to hit some meetings, but honestly I’ve been using them as an excuse to go score once they started opening up again here. I think they might start to close again though, so that might be a good thing. I think I’ll look into some online meetings in the meantime.

Edit: I was gonna say it was a little cold today but then I stopped myself because I knew I’d be made fun of. I’m glad I did too, because I just put in the weather for Birmingham (I think that’s what I’ve read) and holy shit that looks miserable. It’s only 60 degrees F (like 17 C?) here but it’s cloudy and windy so I’m fucking cold. Such a California boy I am.
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Though I have used subutex for that purpose in the past, at the moment I find that 2mg of subutex lets me transition from using to sobriety effectively and suppresses the most intense part of the heroin cravings. I'm not planning on taking it forever though - just a month or two till I'm stable and in a good place and then I'll taper down off of it.

I really can't recommend exercise enough. If you aren't too fit at the moment then just start with walking and build it up from there - that's how I did it. In the first few days it exhausted me just walking round the block, so I was patient with myself and took the time to build my stamina.

Oh man, I wish I had the luxury of finding 17c to be cold!! I HATE cold weather and it's like 3 degrees here at the moment.

Dude, is there any way you can send that $1200 to someone you trust?? Having that just sitting in your bank account is a recipe for disaster this early in the game. I'd highly recommend not having easy access to it, if only to end the back and forth in your head.

chinup said:
well done rio! hope you enjoyed your run too. it is amazing how good running (and probably other exercise) is for mood, even if you really can't be arsed and thus do a half arsed job of it.

it is completely right that sobriety isn't about deprivation. your addiction has taken most of your 20s, you should have a degree and a decent job by now and you don't purely cos of using. you aren't treating yourself by perpetuating your current situation, abstinence from drugs is the only way you can get to the life you deserve, and the longer you use for the harder it will be to get to that life.

you are right that boredom is in some sense a choice- but i think that's where using drugs that make you feel like shit comes in, cos you feel too crap to do anything but watch tv or play video games, both of which can be fun but not when its all evening every evening. i just don't have anything that i feel truly excited about to occupy my time with. sure i can read a bit more or practise my guitar more, which are the two activities i really wanted to do when we first went into lockdown- but i've done both loads now. there's only so much time i can spend cooking or exercising. i'm just at a complete loss for how i'm supposed to fill evenings in a none-boring way, even if i'm not hungover i'm usually quite tired if i've actually worked hard in the day.

i'm finding not drinking at my parents harder than i thought- i think there being the option of maybe 1 or 2 drinks in the evening is harder than drawing a line under it and saying i'll have none.

@cowboycurtis fuck man getting money when you're only a few days in must be really difficult. is there anyone you can trust that you can transfer it to? thats a decent chunk of cash that you could do something meaningful with, try not to piss it away!
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Sucks to hear about your anhedonia, chinup. I know how difficult it can be. I do think it's likely a problem with your brain though rather than the world, if that makes sense. I imagine we feel this way because we have gotten used to such a high level of pleasure from drugs that it takes some time to adjust to a regular, sober life. Have you tried just brainstorming every activity you can think of just to see if anything takes your fancy? Or forcing yourself to try something that you've had an interest in before but haven't done for a while, maybe?? I know that at the moment even regular people are having problems keeping occupied with the lockdowns ramping up again, so we aren't alone, we just make it worse by abusing drugs and then trying to entertain ourselves without them!

I find it impossible to drink a couple of drinks and then voluntarily stop. It's so much easier to just be abstinent. I find just drinking a couple to be way way more frustrating than just not having any. How much are you drinking at the moment?

I'm having a decent day today. I'm going to go and see my friend in a couple of hours though part of me really wants to cancel. I'm trying to be dependable now and don't want to be that guy letting everyone down anymore. Looking forward to 2020 being over - I know the date changing to 2021 won't make much of a difference, but I'm really looking forward to going into 2021 with a clear head and a good foundation of sobriety to build upon. Nothing sounds better right now than just being where I was right before I relapsed - with like 2 months clean, being healthy, energetic & optimistic most of the time, and I know I can achieve that if I just stick at this.
 
Little update for you: got a trusted person with access to my finances who is now using that money to pay off long-neglected bills and fines. I was thinking about buying a gun that fires like a boomerang, but I think this is a better investment. Made it one more day and I’m feeling a lot better! I know this is the first of many intense cravings, so I better learn how to get through them.

@Rio Fantastic
Have fun with your friend. Cherish those good ones too. I’m the same way. I will isolate and blow everyone that still cares about me off until I’m left wondering why no one calls or invites me anywhere anymore. That ever-dwindling circle really needs more effort on my part. As much as I usually default to declining or canceling on people, I find that once I go I tend to have fun. The hardest part is getting there. And for people to still care about me after all I’ve put them through is a miracle in itself. This is why I haven’t been in a relationship longer than a week for years. I’m just too distant, especially for people that didn’t know me while I was sober or before getting strung out.
 
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cowboycurtis said:
Little update for you: got a trusted person with access to my finances who is now using that money to pay off long-neglected bills and fines. I was thinking about buying a gun that fires like a boomerang, but I think this is a better investment. Made it one more day and I’m feeling a lot better! I know this is the first of many intense cravings, so I better learn how to get through them.

@Rio Fantastic
Have fun with your friend. Cherish those good ones too. I’m the same way. I will isolate and blow everyone that still cares about me off until I’m left wondering why no one calls or invites me anywhere anymore. That ever-dwindling circle really needs more effort on my part. As much as I usually default to declining or canceling on people, I find that once I go I tend to have fun. The hardest part is getting there. And for people to still care about me after all I’ve put them through is a miracle in itself. This is why I haven’t been in a relationship longer than a week for years. I’m just too distant, especially for people that didn’t know me while I was sober or before getting strung out.
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I totally relate to how hard it can be having relationships when we're using or even just recently sober. In retrospect, I jumped into my last relationship WAY too early in sobriety. I was literally only a month in, and then relapsed like a few weeks into the relationship, and expecting a girl who didn't even drink, let alone touch drugs, to deal with that was crazy. She seemed like she was going to try first, but the poor girl didn't know what she was in for. I started running rings around her, borrowing money constantly, lying, cancelling, ignoring her - I can't believe she put up with it for as long as she did. We have to get our own lives together before we can really be of any value to anyone else romantically. I really need to start some friendships with other people in recovery IRL but since all the meetings I go to are online now I'm figuring I have to wait till life goes back to normal post-COVID. Till then I'm making do with my other friends, all of whom at least drink, but I know in a week or two I will be able to be around drinkers without a problem.
 
Merry Christmas everybody!! I hit double digits in sober days on Christmas Day today, which is really nice. Going to go over to my Mum's in a while and spend the day with her & my brother which I'm actually quite looking forward to. I'm feeling pretty good today - I had a little gloomy reflection this morning that this time last year on Christmas Day I had basically the exact same sober time I do now, but I'm re framing that as the motivation to make sure I do in 2021 what I should have done in 2020.

I figure in 2021 I'm going to start a new recovery journal by the way. I really hope everyone - @cowboycurtis @yubacity @EPL1 @chinup - is having a great Christmas.
 
merry christmas!! in a rush cos my mum gets pissed off if were not helping all the time on christmas, but i hope you have a great day, glad you're feeling good so far.

i will reply properly to your previous post cos that anhedonia hit me, it hadn't really occurred to me that it wasn't life that was shit, but my perception thereof!
 
Here's one of two songs I wrote in my first hospital stay 2010.

Circa Jerks

Lady your mascara harem fake forced entry pairs em.

Over under roger scored em doctor simply fortifyum.

Asanine dose serpentine, Lils left behind sweet lullaby.

Her G are dine kill acetylmine push forward with plethy morphine.

Heddy pins up a candy shop and ribbit crickets so frogger hops.

But measure Billy ordinary she’s gatas pleasure it’s not so scary.

It’s too soon, bear tree spoons we feel you collapse anight fall now maps lurk dose circa jerks we’d neer go for ya.

It’s like he’s eating eyballs dying abortless murderous shiz trying.

Scoop and swoop him that’s amore blue pill red pill guacamole.

Fact opinion I’ll forgive ya eighty million fucks hate crime chillin.

So sit and wait tomato soup domestic bates plea a Meager crook.

To wonder when I breathe again , ur funny man carcinogen

Our products lab I mister flab of broken stab cracked order jabs

Boozin, cruiin, stoogin, snoozin, UP roots dum bottom.

A chimp, a chump, kerplunk abomb.

I fell in love, game, set, match done.
 
Merry Christmas everyone! Congrats on 10 days Rio! I’ve made it to day four through sheer will and grit. I drank a little bit last night, but like barely even enough to get a buzz so I don’t think it counts. I should at least get some good food today, but I don’t wanna intrude on my friend as she’s got little ones.
 
chinup said:
merry christmas!! in a rush cos my mum gets pissed off if were not helping all the time on christmas, but i hope you have a great day, glad you're feeling good so far.

i will reply properly to your previous post cos that anhedonia hit me, it hadn't really occurred to me that it wasn't life that was shit, but my perception thereof!
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Glad I could be of some use haha. How was your Christmas?? My mum is the opposite - she gets annoyed if me and my brother try and help with anything more complex than stirring bread sauce and insists on doing it all herself!


cowboycurtis said:
Merry Christmas everyone! Congrats on 10 days Rio! I’ve made it to day four through sheer will and grit. I drank a little bit last night, but like barely even enough to get a buzz so I don’t think it counts. I should at least get some good food today, but I don’t wanna intrude on my friend as she’s got little ones.
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You're KILLING IT dude!

Day 11. I am preparing myself for cravings. I cannot afford complacency again. It's crystal clear now that the fog is leaving my mind that I have two really common relapse times - day 14-15 - I have lapsed on these days COUNTLESS times - and I honestly think that it's because part of my brain's healing process means that these days inevitably bring a depression, and with depression comes cravings. It sounds silly, but it's happened so many times that I could bet my life on it by now. However, I know I can get through them. I will plan ahead, have a couple relaxing/stress-free days planned out, tell a couple people that I'll probably be having a rough day, and just weather the storm. The other main relapse time is around week 7. I usually get better & better till then and then I've noticed looking back that I tend to get complacent after about a month, stop prioritizing my recovery so much like I do in the first month, and enjoy a week or two of barely any urges, so then when they do hit me I have no mental defenses and in the past it's caught me off guard. But not this time! I'm ready for it now, and I'm going to spend at least the next 3 months and probably longer making recovery my number one priority.

I am going to attend online meetings daily which I have been doing and get back to real in person meetings as soon as they restart. I'm going to hit up my friend from my old SMART group - he was always really supportive, and I know I will need some people in recovery that I can call when I'm struggling. I feel like I've done the initial part - these last 10 days have been mainly a process of just waiting for my mind & body to get back to its previous strength and that has been a trial in itself, but now that I'm reaching some kind of homeostasis again I need to try and ensure that I don't have to keep repeating this stage of recovery.

I read something that resonated with me. Recovery is like an obstacle course and the beginning is the hardest part, because as you run it you get stronger, fitter and the obstacles get easier and spaced further apart. Continually relapsing is like volunteering to keep on running the hardest part again and again. If I can just stick with it, it will get easier, but I need to stop falling at the hurdles and repeating the hardest bit time and time again!! Maybe that will ring true for some of you guys too. :)
 
How you doing Rio and chin up hope you had a good christmas rio ill catch up on your thread just logged in after weeks .We in tier 4 down in kent how it in the midlands how it going with your girl and just being friends
 
Rio Fantastic said:
Glad I could be of some use haha. How was your Christmas?? My mum is the opposite - she gets annoyed if me and my brother try and help with anything more complex than stirring bread sauce and insists on doing it all herself!




You're KILLING IT dude!

Day 11. I am preparing myself for cravings. I cannot afford complacency again. It's crystal clear now that the fog is leaving my mind that I have two really common relapse times - day 14-15 - I have lapsed on these days COUNTLESS times - and I honestly think that it's because part of my brain's healing process means that these days inevitably bring a depression, and with depression comes cravings. It sounds silly, but it's happened so many times that I could bet my life on it by now. However, I know I can get through them. I will plan ahead, have a couple relaxing/stress-free days planned out, tell a couple people that I'll probably be having a rough day, and just weather the storm. The other main relapse time is around week 7. I usually get better & better till then and then I've noticed looking back that I tend to get complacent after about a month, stop prioritizing my recovery so much like I do in the first month, and enjoy a week or two of barely any urges, so then when they do hit me I have no mental defenses and in the past it's caught me off guard. But not this time! I'm ready for it now, and I'm going to spend at least the next 3 months and probably longer making recovery my number one priority.

I am going to attend online meetings daily which I have been doing and get back to real in person meetings as soon as they restart. I'm going to hit up my friend from my old SMART group - he was always really supportive, and I know I will need some people in recovery that I can call when I'm struggling. I feel like I've done the initial part - these last 10 days have been mainly a process of just waiting for my mind & body to get back to its previous strength and that has been a trial in itself, but now that I'm reaching some kind of homeostasis again I need to try and ensure that I don't have to keep repeating this stage of recovery.

I read something that resonated with me. Recovery is like an obstacle course and the beginning is the hardest part, because as you run it you get stronger, fitter and the obstacles get easier and spaced further apart. Continually relapsing is like volunteering to keep on running the hardest part again and again. If I can just stick with it, it will get easier, but I need to stop falling at the hurdles and repeating the hardest bit time and time again!! Maybe that will ring true for some of you guys too. :)
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Rio after a few weeks our brain starts telling us we doing real good why not treat ourselves just the once we strong enough to just have a taster but it is never just the once
 
Rio I hope your thoughts are as vivid and articulate as they are now when you inevitably go through another rough patch. Take care to be mindful when approaching those dates in your recovery. It’s amazing how insightful we can be when we take a step back from it all, but in that moment of desperation and despair it’s so much more difficult to think rationally. I’m the same way and it’s pure madness. We need to start following our own advice. Hope you had a good Christmas!
 
@yubacity - great to hear from you man! How was your Christmas? I've gone no-contact with my ex, we tried to be friends, ended up acting the same as we always did, she told me that we should just be friends genuinely, then said she wasn't sure if she wanted to be friends, and that whole charade made me realize that she's too indecisive to be in my life at the moment. I don't blame her for it, it's just how she is (she's changed the course she's studying 3 times and was considering swapping again!) - she is just the kind of person who second-guesses herself all the time. Maybe in a month or two when I'm a bit more stable I'll reach out to her again, but for the moment I just have to focus on myself.

It's the same reason why I had to let my friend down today. The guy I used to use with messaged me completely out the blue asking if I wanted to move in with him, then was offended when I said I want my independence and have no plans on moving out. He says he's sober now and I have no reason to doubt that, but all the two of us ever did was use together, and I worry that if I agree to meet him, much less LIVE with him, I'll end up using again. SMART emphasizes the oxygen mask rule - you have to look after yourself before you can really be there for anyone else, and I do totally believe that.

I planned on meeting my friend today but I will probably cancel. I know that I shouldn't isolate myself, but sometimes I just don't have it in me to pretend I'm totally fine when I feel like today. I've been in a really bad mood ever since last night. There was no reason for it, I think it's just my usual 2nd week of sobriety slump, but it has made me just want to deal with it alone rather than go and see my friends and act like I'm good when I'm not. It's difficult for me to decide though the line between unhealthy isolation and necessary self-care.
 
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