Hey people. I don’t usually even go near this site when I’m high, especially not this forum in particular, but I am so disappointed in myself and screaming on the inside. I went and copped yesterday again and got my usual trio of alprazolam, alcohol, and of course heroin. I, again, don’t remember anything after about 4 pm yesterday and I have a couple massive welts on my head from presumably falling or something. I’m convinced sometimes I’m unwittingly attempting to kill myself I was so scared when I finally came too because there was a needle on the floor in plain view and I was supposed to come and grab dinner from the house and I wasn’t sure if I had been caught passed out or something. Luckily that didn’t happen, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m so fucking exhausted. Luckily (with respect to SOME perspectives) I lost a decent amount of my dope in my sloppy state last night and it’s powder so it’s probably not salvageable at this point.
I did another shot this morning, but it was so unenjoyable and I was so filled with guilt and shame I literally sat down and cried. I mean like I balled my eyes out. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I cried. I’m just so miserable and I can’t start getting better until I stop this fucking cycle. I’m writing this especially because I want to remind myself how shitty it really is whenever I have the ridiculous urge to go and cop. And I can’t keep lying to my friend who is giving me this massive opportunity as well as a place to stay. Shit is so not worth it. I don’t understand why the delusion that it is is so strong when you’ve been away for a little while.
@Rio Fantastic
Keep it going brother. Christmas is right around the corner and we can start 2021 fresh!