Hope the rest of y'all headcases are feeling OK today too.
I mean that as a joke of course, I hope it's not considered in ill humour or anything - the headcases comment I mean - not my good wishes for you all! Maybe I should delete that paragraph... just trying to inject some humour into my own gloomy predicament...
Hope the rest of y'all headcases are feeling OK today too.
I mean that as a joke of course, I hope it's not considered in ill humour or anything - the headcases comment I mean - not my good wishes for you all! Maybe I should delete that paragraph... just trying to inject some humour into my own gloomy predicament...
On topic myself... god damn I'm feeling so shite today. I know part of the reason is I've been using some drugs that I should not be using in an effort to just deal with reality... but, fuck man, I just feel so trapped, I dont know what to do. I'm not really suicidal and I'm not going to kill myself but I actually duckduckgoed "maybe I should just fucking kill myself" today. Again I'm not going to but... Christ...
About a year and a half ago I posted a thread about "dealing with narcissistic friends" and got some good advice here but the main thing I did not take was to completely break off contact with my business partner in my small company. I have an alright lifestyle on the face of it. I work maybe 4 or 5 hours a day in the week (not including endless procrastination, guilt, avoiding healthier pursuits out of guilt that I should be working - if you include that stuff... I work all the time). But... I just could not give 2 fucks about my company. Sometimes I think I wish it would just fail. But I don't know how to leave. If I do leave I know also I'll be fucking over our few staff, the company will be fucked and I'll probably make my own life a lot harder and possibly be personally liable for some rent contracts and fucking bullshit I should never have agreed to. But I just cannot. FUCKING. CONTINUE DOING THIS.
I hate my life a lot of the time, I try to pretend I don't but I do. I don't respect myself because I've devoted so much time propping up someone else's dream. My partner in fairness has changed a lot since our last conversation in that I no longer tolerate explicitly abusive shite but I feel like I've allowed myself to be manipulated into staying. We're clearly not really friends. It's obvious I'm unhappy. Our friendship is transactional, but it goes both ways because equally I don't know what I'd do if I left, my self confidence plateaued about 3 or 4 years ago and has declined since then, again I don't respect myself and I'm not sure if some of my older friends do either since I said a few times that's it I'm out and didnt have the balls to follow through.
I've thought about just walking away, like instantly, just leaving with nothing, and maybe I should... but I don't even know if I can, morally or financially... I'm gonna be 32 tomorrow... I've probably had it in the back of my head I want to leave for 2 or 3 years now. Am I just gonna do this forever? What a pathetic fucking spineless idiot I am. But maybe it's all the fucking drugs I take, including drugs just to make myself care. If I won the lottery or something I would quit on the spot and never look back. Again though... my life is alright. Most people I know would just not get it. I wonder if I'd be happier working at McDonald's or some shit... (I asked my friend about this the other day and he said he worked in hospitality for years... and the answer is definitely no
). But... every fucking day is just FORCING MYSELF to churn out some work, some of it I enjoy, or did once, mainly the technical software aspect... but even that's not fun anymore because where is it going? Just getting deeper into the FUCKING hole.
This is a first world problem though. I wouldn't prefer working in a salt mine in the Sahara desert or scrabbling for toxic metals in a poisoned dumping ground in the third world... all I have to do is work for 25 hours a week and grit my teeth whenever I have to deal with my tiresome, tiresome "friend"... I cant talk about this with him either because we've basically come to an agreement not to talk to each other about our emotions, about drugs, about leaving the company... basically any areas of difficulty which might cause conflict. I talk to my therapist and my other friends but no one really understands. But maybe I'm just a fucking lazy whiny bitch who doesn't know how good I have it. Fuck. Anyway thanks for reading anyone who bothers to read my spiel. Much love to you all.