In Memoriam Captain.Heroin

I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.

 

I just wanna say to everyone here who cares like


I appreciate yall are still alive and trying to get better hopefully

I didn't know CH super well but I could tell dude really had moments of strength coupled with some super intense difficulties making sure he stayed on the right path and so on

It's fucking hard yall, no doubt but like


Please reach out to others or talk about your cravings and struggles with opiods, alcohol, meth whatever it may be

I love all yall for being the human beings you are, please keep playing the game, don't let yourself return to the darker places we all know how to go to

 

I do understand how Chronic Pain just takes away your life.
All you have left is to help others.
That is huge though.

I keep hearing that everywhere, I'm the recovery community especially.

The closest I can get is being a good husband to my wife and living to try and make her happy and do what she likes, even though I'm am suicidal, in chronic pain, and one bad decision away from re-entering deep decent into the heavy IV opioid lifestyle.

Like even if I'm miserable and wamt to do die...ppl keep saying help others. It will help you too. I'm sure it works, I've experienced it.

The problem is when you get aottle selfish and decide that your own suffering just can't be ameliorated by simply helping ppl. My suffering is not fair to endure and torture myself just to help others.

Maybe missing a component of it because I've always been selfish and a loner. But told by others it's how ppl like me save themselves.

I don't seem to be putting enough effort into this strategy though.

 

Im actually quite devastated to hear this.

We were pretty close and I've been so wrapped up in my own life we've hardly spoken......


RIP my dear friend I love you

 

Have missed you @BehindtheShadow

Hope you're doing OK.

 

Its just starting to hurt. Damn.

 

damn. missing you.
i know you didn't do it on purpose.
right.

I don't believe he did.
Sometimes when you don't wanna live it's easier to just keep walking right on the edge till you trip and fall off, rather than ever taking the jump yourself.

 

Sorry I haven't replied back everybody. I've been in so much grief because of CH amongst other things. I recently broke up with my abusive fiance of 2 and a half years as well so I'm going through a really rough time. In addition, I'm working 11hr back to back shifts as an EMT. I'm exhausted and depressed.

I tried heroin for the first time, I meant to buy oxy but all the guy had was heroin so I tried it. It made me feel better, but it's only temporary, and I haven't used it since.

Anyways, when I visited him two weeks before his death (his death hit hard because I had just seen him ) we colored something together. I drew a cow, because I like animals and I'm interested in going to veterinary school. I tried to make it light and happy since I knew he was going through a rough time. He then colored in the rest, and it was obvious he was depressed by the way he "filled it in". But anyways, here it is:

I am so touched by everyone's words.

And yes, it was me who wrote that reddit post.

 

Be careful with heroin, the destruction I've seen it bring in people is terrible, especially with the scourge of fentanyl in many places.

Not that I'm exactly one to talk, I relapsed I'm heroin recently after this happened.

Just, be careful, I hope you'll reach out to support if you at all feel like it could help.

Take care.

 

Be careful with heroin, the destruction I've seen it bring in people is terrible, especially with the scourge of fentanyl in many places.

Not that I'm exactly one to talk, I relapsed I'm heroin recently after this happened.

Just, be careful, I hope you'll reach out to support if you at all feel like it could help.

Take care.

Thank you,
Much Love

 

Have missed you @BehindtheShadow

Hope you're doing OK.

I'm doing as well as can be expected

Lots of blessings in my life but still working through trauma

Thank you for the check in

 

Sorry I haven't replied back everybody. I've been in so much grief because of CH amongst other things. I recently broke up with my abusive fiance of 2 and a half years as well so I'm going through a really rough time. In addition, I'm working 11hr back to back shifts as an EMT. I'm exhausted and depressed.

I tried heroin for the first time, I meant to buy oxy but all the guy had was heroin so I tried it. It made me feel better, but it's only temporary, and I haven't used it since.

Anyways, when I visited him two weeks before his death (his death hit hard because I had just seen him ) we colored something together. I drew a cow, because I like animals and I'm interested in going to veterinary school. I tried to make it light and happy since I knew he was going through a rough time. He then colored in the rest, and it was obvious he was depressed by the way he "filled it in". But anyways, here it is:

I am so touched by everyone's words.

And yes, it was me who wrote that reddit post.

Ashley, is that your piece of art to keep now? If so, you are lucky to have shared that experience as difficult as it is to see his VERY obvious wish. Treasure that piece.

 

Since learning that a particularly volatile research chemical was involved in CH's death, I don't think we should speculate about suicide despite him being obsessed with it recently. It's very difficult when suicidal people don't leave notes. This has happened to me too many times... Although, I guess, it doesn't matter if it was self-inflicted. He's gone.

I regret not telling CH about our previous relationship when I had a different name, but we didn't always get along. I was afraid he'd still hold a grudge.

Regret is a bitch.

 

Regret is a bitch.

Yeah

Honestly I dunno if it's possible to experience a tragedy like this and not experience guilt. Assuming you're a regular person with a conscience and not some serious personality disorder.

I mean I'd like to think I was relatively close with cap. I'd spoken to him on voice on discord alone and in a group many times. I told him many times how worried I was that something like this might happen and that I was here if he wanted to talk to someone.

I still feel guilt. I look at conversations where I must have gotten distracted and didn't reply. I look at comments he made where I didn't emphasize harder how much I cared.

And I feel guilt, I feel like I didn't do enough, didn't show him I cared enough.

But that's what grief is like. It's never enough. That they died always makes it feel like you let them down.

 

Fuck. I knew him from when I first started bluelighting though not well as we were across the Atlantic of eachother.
He gave me and so many others a lot of advice over the years, and to be honest I considered bluelight to be synonymous with him.
I remember him microdosing suboxone and following the slowest bupe taper ever by him.

Only to be snuffed out by some shitty RC opioid. Doesn't seem fitting somehow. Is this confirmed?

Rest in peace you rare and beautiful man x

 

We had our ups and downs. But in the end I mostly remember the fun times we had in the past. Shame that he died, cried 2 days ago.

 

And yeah, Cap was always on rc benzos cause his legal script got tossed out. But wasnt he always on meth too? Who cares in the end. Dude liked his drugs and with them found what he always wanted.

 

Although I never got to know Capt personally, I always read his posts. Each one being more unique than the other. It saddens me when I hear of a BLer passing. It just seems to me were all family here. I hope you have now found peace Capt. As you so deserve. Rest in Peace my man.

 

Brutal.

As a bit of an old timer round here I'd had my share of chats with him along the way even though we didnt exactly know each other well.

RIP

 

I keep hearing that everywhere, I'm the recovery community especially.

The closest I can get is being a good husband to my wife and living to try and make her happy and do what she likes, even though I'm am suicidal, in chronic pain, and one bad decision away from re-entering deep decent into the heavy IV opioid lifestyle.

Like even if I'm miserable and wamt to do die...ppl keep saying help others. It will help you too. I'm sure it works, I've experienced it.

The problem is when you get aottle selfish and decide that your own suffering just can't be ameliorated by simply helping ppl. My suffering is not fair to endure and torture myself just to help others.

Maybe missing a component of it because I've always been selfish and a loner. But told by others it's how ppl like me save themselves.

I don't seem to be putting enough effort into this strategy though.

I hear you my friend.
I do.
I wish I had the answer.
I’m struggling too.

All I can do is send my love to you.

Do the best you can. That is all we can do.

Love you and Love you all so much.
I am so sorry we are enduring this.

 

I think the Captain is now our Guardian Angel.

I have felt his presence.

We have not lost him my dear friends.
This is temporary.
I have seen a better place in a Near Death Experience.
We will be reunited there.

I love you all.
P.O.