I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
-
Bluelight
Shrine
A memorial
to Bluelighters
who have passed away
RIP I send my condolences to captain's friends and family.....
Listening to scar tissue by RHCP hope that you are in a better place
May he rest in peace 
Damn I'm just catching up to this
that sucks, dude was a cool guy
that sucks, dude was a cool guy
I understand! I have worked on a crisis Hot line working the phones ( now must be text as well? Young people do not talk on the phone very much lol lol. We where taught and it proved out that ( 5-7% of the people we will encounter, with suicidal thought will Do It!!!!) no matter what we do.So many of us reached out to try and help him. I told him how I was afraid he might end up on the shrine and offered many times to be someone he could talk to and told him how I cared.
Depression fucks with your mind though, it pulls you into a pit of despair and lies to you about how much people care about you and how devastated they would be to lose you.
I've been there, there were moments at my worse where I was literally within moments of death. But I'm one of the lucky ones. I didn't die then and eventually found a way through it. And as deeply depressed I've been this past year and as overcome with grief as I have been these last few days, I intend to live.
I only wish cap could have found the same, afraid as I was I always held out hope that he would.
Love you cap, I know you didn't mean to hurt us like this.... if there was anymore I could have done I'm sorry.
I thought the Capt would make it through? But I never got close enough to to him, to discuss real issues in his life, family, work , housing , basic building blocked to work through and out of depression !
his heart was broken
and this fuckin pandemic has Taken so many wonderful people already, with thousands holding on by a thread !I wish I tried harder to connect with the Capt
What? What? WHAT?
No.
No.
I feel like crying. This is awful!
Somebody tell me this is just a really bad fucked up joke?
BL will not be the same without him
No.
No.
I feel like crying. This is awful!
Somebody tell me this is just a really bad fucked up joke?
BL will not be the same without him
This is so true and the only thing I have found that really works!
I hate suggesting that I understand what other people are going through, cause even when you can, you can't.
So what I'll say is, I feel like I've been in shock too. Particularly in the first few days. I honestly can't believe it's been a week and a half.
I'm crying about it less. I still feel very conflicted though, because of other things I feel sad about other than caps death, and the reverse, things I didn't feel as sad about.
Much as I'd wish to say I've felt the same for everyone I've known, here and IRL who've died, it's not the truth. Some are harder than others. This is definitely the hardest death of someone I knew online.
Seems unfair, even if I know grief isn't a question of worth. It just is what it is. You feel it as much as you feel it.
I think Captain Heroin caught my eye on BL the first time I lurked. And then I saw his avatar/pic!! And I thought 'what an intense dude'. But because I am a heroin addict, I silently followed him until my
pain made it impossible to stay quiet. I cannot stop thinking about this. Its really disturbing me. This whole year has been a shit show. I'm in the deepest depression ever, but no suicidal ideation. I
just can't accept that he is gone, because to me HE IS BL!!! Jesus, how many fucking posts did the guy write??? Prolific. What a fucking shame and waste and hole for BL.
pain made it impossible to stay quiet. I cannot stop thinking about this. Its really disturbing me. This whole year has been a shit show. I'm in the deepest depression ever, but no suicidal ideation. I
just can't accept that he is gone, because to me HE IS BL!!! Jesus, how many fucking posts did the guy write??? Prolific. What a fucking shame and waste and hole for BL.
Cap has what looks like nearly 100,000 posts.
Even looking up a bunch of other notable names and adding them up, it still comes well short.
It's hard in some ways to imagine a bluelight without him.
His name is probably what first caught my eye too, also being a heroin addict. Though I don't believe he'd been actively on heroin in a while, other drugs and other opioids but not heroin.
I'm just vacillating between numb and pissed and deeply, deeply saddened.
But in true honest form, I cannot say I will not pick up again. Right now I am back to day 4 again. I'm determined though. That is really the fucked up part, yeah? You lose an irreplaceable person and it still doesn't register enough to stop yourself from harm.
Stop yourself? First time I used heroin since pretty much the start of this year was a few days after finding out about caps death. Same with drinking now that I think of it.
First time I'd used benzos in about 3 and a half years was the day I found out.
First time I'd had a cigarette in just shy of a year was the day I found out.
I don't think most addicts stop cause they've experienced a loss, they use more. Or start again.
Drugs are already very much an act of self medication and self soothing for many. More stress and more pain = more drugs to deal with it.
It's why I've been a lot more worried about everyone else right now, and I've seen others more worried about me.
Though I'd say caps death was more caused by mental illness than drug use, even though drugs were the cause of death.
Good luck man, it's not easy to stop, it's even harder to stay stopped.
I used to use trauma as an excuse to relapse. I would sabotage my life so something fucked up happened and I had a good excuse to keep using... I'm in a different place now. CH's death had the opposite effect for me. I can't let myself end up like that. I don't want excuses any more. The more fucked up my life gets, the less I want to use.
Now I have a new problem. The more functional I become, the easier it is to justify using... At least this is an improvement.
Now I have a new problem. The more functional I become, the easier it is to justify using... At least this is an improvement.
Interesting.
Damn, so surprised and saddened by this. I didn't get the chance to personally know Captn but as a long time lurker his posts were always here - informative, helpful and caring, some crazy, cool and everything in between. He struck me as a kind of guy who lived life to the fullest and did things on his terms. What a great guy.
It is hard to express in words what it means to lose a blulighter who meant a lot to so many. RIP CH
It is hard to express in words what it means to lose a blulighter who meant a lot to so many. RIP CH
I totally get where you are coming from, JessFR. I think what I meant to say, is that the so-called Normies or non-addicted folks, would think "geez, why would anyone pick up after such a tragedy?Stop yourself? First time I used heroin since pretty much the start of this year was a few days after finding out about caps death. Same with drinking now that I think of it.
First time I'd used benzos in about 3 and a half years was the day I found out.
First time I'd had a cigarette in just shy of a year was the day I found out.
I don't think most addicts stop cause they've experienced a loss, they use more. Or start again.
Drugs are already very much an act of self medication and self soothing for many. More stress and more pain = more drugs to deal with it.
It's why I've been a lot more worried about everyone else right now, and I've seen others more worried about me.
Though I'd say caps death was more caused by mental illness than drug use, even though drugs were the cause of death.
Good luck man, it's not easy to stop, it's even harder to stay stopped.
but I did the same thing as you. When my partner of 20 years OD'd, the first thing I did was get high. I've been using heroin as self medication for 18+ years now. I'm on antidepressants and xanax when
I need it. Xanax is a waste of time to me. Its only good when mixed at night after I've done my dope and its time to sleep. I'm careful. I use 1mg, lol!!! Heroin, and I am not a chemist, but whatever the
properties are that lie within it, they have hands down been the best antidepressant for me. I pass as normal. You would never know I use. Been that way for years. Which is what also has made it hard
to quit. Takes away my pain, gives me energy to get shit done, puts me in the right head space. I am truly sorry you are hurting so badly. I hope your use isn't going to take you down an ugly path and
that its short-term. The fact that you think CH's death was caused more by mental illness gives me pause, because I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and major depressive disorder. And sure, I have thought
how nice it would be to just disappear into the ether, I'm a pussy. I would get my suicide attempt all fucked up and end up a vegetable or quadriplegic.
I just wanna say to everyone here who cares like
I appreciate yall are still alive and trying to get better hopefully
I didn't know CH super well but I could tell dude really had moments of strength coupled with some super intense difficulties making sure he stayed on the right path and so on
It's fucking hard yall, no doubt but like
Please reach out to others or talk about your cravings and struggles with opiods, alcohol, meth whatever it may be
I love all yall for being the human beings you are, please keep playing the game, don't let yourself return to the darker places we all know how to go to
I appreciate yall are still alive and trying to get better hopefully
I didn't know CH super well but I could tell dude really had moments of strength coupled with some super intense difficulties making sure he stayed on the right path and so on
It's fucking hard yall, no doubt but like
Please reach out to others or talk about your cravings and struggles with opiods, alcohol, meth whatever it may be
I love all yall for being the human beings you are, please keep playing the game, don't let yourself return to the darker places we all know how to go to