I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
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Bluelight
Shrine
A memorial
to Bluelighters
who have passed away
Im in tears
Its been 8 years since I've been here (old user name seconal) and I was recently thinking about my old friend CH. I nearly dropped my phone when I saw this thread . It was 2009 when CH and his girlfriend came to chill with me. We meet on this site in 2008. Andy was a fantastic young man who was so sweet. I feel so bad that I didn't come back here earlier because I wanted to come back and see how he was doing.
I hope he is in a happier place. Ill miss u man
Its been 8 years since I've been here (old user name seconal) and I was recently thinking about my old friend CH. I nearly dropped my phone when I saw this thread . It was 2009 when CH and his girlfriend came to chill with me. We meet on this site in 2008. Andy was a fantastic young man who was so sweet. I feel so bad that I didn't come back here earlier because I wanted to come back and see how he was doing.
I hope he is in a happier place. Ill miss u man
I vividly remember finding out about his death. I'd just woken up and checked the phone and saw people talking about it on discord. I think it probably took a couple minutes to really process it. During which I couldn't think of anything to say.
That was a really horrible night. (I sleep weird hours and woke up at 11pm)
I've thought a few times about how surreal it is. Cause to me, he died when I woke up around 11pm on the 5th. But of course that's not when he died. I can't help thinking sometimes about the period of time when he had died and I, we, had no idea yet.
It somehow feels wrong that something so monumental, at least for us, should have happened while for a short period of time everything continued as if it hadn't.
That was a really horrible night. (I sleep weird hours and woke up at 11pm)
I've thought a few times about how surreal it is. Cause to me, he died when I woke up around 11pm on the 5th. But of course that's not when he died. I can't help thinking sometimes about the period of time when he had died and I, we, had no idea yet.
It somehow feels wrong that something so monumental, at least for us, should have happened while for a short period of time everything continued as if it hadn't.
Just trying to do my part. I have tried to kill myself a couple times including as recently as January of Last year. I was resuscitated and the first thing the EMTs said was did you see the light.
A front desk clerk was praying over me with her hand on my leg. She said she felt the hand of God bring me back to life.
I'm glad I didn't die even though I've had to go through so much and haven't seen my little girl in over a year who besides my parents and family is the only thing that matters to me in my life.
Let's both stick around please. If you get depressed and hopeless dm me for my phone number. I'll talk any time day or night.
I have lost the 2 closest friends in my life due to the lack of opiate tolerance (due to short jail stints) and using A 20 bag .Was CH clean (ish) when he Od"d or what was the substance that attributed to this Tragedy? I am asking be because recently I have been offered a variety of RC opioid s and Benzos?
The Lady lies, just by the stream
The Lady of, my youthful dream
where the clovers leap in shadow's stead
and the willow bows her weeping head
beneath the marble stone that sadly sits
forever bound
with rose vine tourniquets
The Lady lies, just by the stream
The Lady of, my youthful dream
where the clovers leap in shadow's stead
and the willow bows her weeping head
beneath the marble stone that sadly sits
forever bound
with rose vine tourniquets
The first time my father died, he’d suffered a cardiac arrest in the hospital and I got an immediate call asking if (Iikely due to the fact that he had Stage IV Esophageal Cancer) he was a DNR or wanted resuscitation in this case. I knew he was a DNR but I was selfish and I wanted him around for awhile. So I lied and asked them to bring him back as that’s what he would’ve wanted.
I feigned ignorance when his hospitalist “expressed great displeasure” with me after seeing the DNR stamp on his main chart, which wasn’t available at the time of his cardiac arrest. But his doctors went far easier on me, than my dad did. He lost his shit with me, explaining the number of minutes it takes when your heart isn’t pumping, and thus getting O2 to your brain, for irreversible brain damage to occur. Of course I knew that. I just couldn’t imagine my life without him, thus I lied for very selfish reasons. He remained fairly pissed at me for weeks. He had the opportunity to remain dead, with no questions asked and no suspicions re: his own hand playing a part in his death. But that was 2002, and several years prior to his suicide. He came through the surgery just fine, minus his little incident, and we learned he had a right bundle branch blockage, which caused the cardiac arrest. Days later, he had a cardiac defibrillator placed, and his risk of a repeat was almost 0%. That was the most upset he’s ever been with me at any point in my life.
I feigned ignorance when his hospitalist “expressed great displeasure” with me after seeing the DNR stamp on his main chart, which wasn’t available at the time of his cardiac arrest. But his doctors went far easier on me, than my dad did. He lost his shit with me, explaining the number of minutes it takes when your heart isn’t pumping, and thus getting O2 to your brain, for irreversible brain damage to occur. Of course I knew that. I just couldn’t imagine my life without him, thus I lied for very selfish reasons. He remained fairly pissed at me for weeks. He had the opportunity to remain dead, with no questions asked and no suspicions re: his own hand playing a part in his death. But that was 2002, and several years prior to his suicide. He came through the surgery just fine, minus his little incident, and we learned he had a right bundle branch blockage, which caused the cardiac arrest. Days later, he had a cardiac defibrillator placed, and his risk of a repeat was almost 0%. That was the most upset he’s ever been with me at any point in my life.
Cap seemed to me about as far from clean as you can get. When I was talking to him fairly regularly he was using a lot of IV flualprazolam. And it sounds like he had recently started trying another rc benzo.
His cause of death has been said to be 2methylAP237
He had used ap238 many times prior to that, ap237 sounds like it was something new.
He seemed to me to be being extremely reckless with his drug use, this may not have been a suicide in the sense of someone deciding there and then to end it, but I don't think you can really call it an accident either.
That's my understanding based on what I have heard and my own interactions and experiences with him.
It's pretty common for example when people go to rehab their tolerance resets and they either get a strong batch or try to do it like they used to.
Fentanyl and fake pills make this such a dangerous game now. It was dangerous back in the day but it really is now.
WTF? I knew CH well back when i was a mod i honestly never thought he would be a person that would die of a OD. Fuck this sucks.
RIP CH
RIP CH
Fucking hell. I'm definitely late, but holy shit. He was always a cool dude, even to a newbie like me. Rest easy CH.
CH i read alot of his comments over years, from my many alias names..
His heart was in helping others, but that inner darkness many of us have is so real.
May he RIP and thinking of how many benefited from his presence..
His heart was in helping others, but that inner darkness many of us have is so real.
May he RIP and thinking of how many benefited from his presence..
I still can't believe it. I keep waiting for it to make sense, to process it. It'll happen eventually, I know from experience.
Cap was such a huge part of this community. We were so fortunate to have him. And now that he's gone, it feels like we've lost something, something huge that made this place what it is that we can't ever replace.
I don't really believe in continued life, as the people we are, after death. But I wish I could believe he could somehow see what we've said. To somehow know how much grief and loss we feel and just how much he meant to so many of us.
Cap was such a huge part of this community. We were so fortunate to have him. And now that he's gone, it feels like we've lost something, something huge that made this place what it is that we can't ever replace.
I don't really believe in continued life, as the people we are, after death. But I wish I could believe he could somehow see what we've said. To somehow know how much grief and loss we feel and just how much he meant to so many of us.
Herbavore was there for my first posts reaching out for help too.
I'm not exactly sure when I became closer with cap, we had had friendly talks on many occasions but I'd say we definitely got closer when he invited me to discord with him and some other bluelighters.
God I'm gonna miss him there, I can still hear his voice so clearly. How passionate he was about everything he had to say.
Talking to him about my addiction problems and his insights.
With the problems I've been having lately, in life, here on bluelight, etc, I've often wished I could talk to him about it.
Well, I finally looked through some of our private messages. Here’s a sweet, lighthearted memory: he asked me to teach him to flirt with girls.(I don’t think he needed any help learning to flirt with anyone!)
And he always had the juiciest gossip.
What a sweetheart!
Lol.
Cap was a great guy, just look at how many people here are devastated by his loss. You don't make that much of an impression if you aren't an attractive person to people.
He told me how his sexuality had changed over time. He certainly never seemed short of people who wanted his company.
Cap was just cap, he was unique in so many wonderful ways. I feel very privileged for having had the opportunity to know him.
I've looked through some of my conversations with him too, not many though, especially with the more recent ones, many have been too hard to read.
He was in so much suffering.
Yeah, I had completely forgotten that exchange, but I wanted to convey that he had a really bright, funny side. It came across in CEP&S a lot.Lol.
Cap was a great guy, just look at how many people here are devastated by his loss. You don't make that much of an impression if you aren't an attractive person to people.
He told me how his sexuality had changed over time. He certainly never seemed short of people who wanted his company.
Cap was just cap, he was unique in so many wonderful ways. I feel very privileged for having had the opportunity to know him.
I just kept thinking about this more last night. Like, CH was basically the face of bluelight. The number one poster that was always everywhere in all the sub forums posting at any period of the last decade or more. I can't think of anyone more constant in BL than him. Even the top Mods seem to dissappear for a couple years and come back.
Drugs an this site unfortunately have been a significant part of my life and I was just reflecting on how the face of this site had just died. It's not a surprise. We all know where drugs lead eventually.
He was really a leader here if not the top leader.
He's even been mentioned in normal news reporting about bluelight. It's a loss for BL and while i didn't connect with him beyond just posting publicly, just sort of the gravity of it all really sunk in for me last night....how I see myself in captain heroin too (which of course is scary considering his outcome). It was a head trip I was really stoned with low tolerance at the time.
Drugs an this site unfortunately have been a significant part of my life and I was just reflecting on how the face of this site had just died. It's not a surprise. We all know where drugs lead eventually.
He was really a leader here if not the top leader.
He's even been mentioned in normal news reporting about bluelight. It's a loss for BL and while i didn't connect with him beyond just posting publicly, just sort of the gravity of it all really sunk in for me last night....how I see myself in captain heroin too (which of course is scary considering his outcome). It was a head trip I was really stoned with low tolerance at the time.
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A lot of us can probably see at least a little of ourselves.
As a community, we lose far too many people, we have a shrine with hundreds of threads. People who died mourned by other people who died.
So many of us have had mental health problems, life problems, and of course drug problems. That's why we're here. I think on the whole we need to look out for each other.
I won't deny I have occasionally thought about what if I one day wound up in the shrine. I have no intention to, but I think it's understandable to at least have such thoughts occasionally. Depressing and dark as they are.
When you're part of a community, whether online or offline, and you see your peers, your friends, die over and over, it's hard not to have the thought enter your mind if one day it'll be you.
It's not OK. All in all we are too young a population to be having such anxieties. But that's what life on drugs is, it's what mental illness and depression is.
Everyone could use support, everyone deserves to be reminded that they are cared for and that they are valued.
Look out for each other, everyone.
As a community, we lose far too many people, we have a shrine with hundreds of threads. People who died mourned by other people who died.
So many of us have had mental health problems, life problems, and of course drug problems. That's why we're here. I think on the whole we need to look out for each other.
I won't deny I have occasionally thought about what if I one day wound up in the shrine. I have no intention to, but I think it's understandable to at least have such thoughts occasionally. Depressing and dark as they are.
When you're part of a community, whether online or offline, and you see your peers, your friends, die over and over, it's hard not to have the thought enter your mind if one day it'll be you.
It's not OK. All in all we are too young a population to be having such anxieties. But that's what life on drugs is, it's what mental illness and depression is.
Everyone could use support, everyone deserves to be reminded that they are cared for and that they are valued.
Look out for each other, everyone.