I put on my workout clothes and took an hour walk and I feel better. I need to remember that when I feel like this I need to get out of the house, and I need to leave as soon as it starts, not sit here and let it get worse.
I know getting high wouldn't improve it - that's the whole problem, lol. To be honest, if I thought getting high would make me feel better, I'd probably go get high right now. But it won't. I mean yeah I'd feel better in some ways, but I'd feel guilty and I"d be worrying - how much did I set myself back? and thinking about how going to cop isn't going to get me closer to feeling better without drugs, or closer to having an apartment outside the city, or closer to any of the things I want. I wasn't considering using... I was just miserable and needed to vent
eta: it's just hard to realize that much of my "happiness" was kind of...not real. I got high, and because I had dope telling me everything was good, the little bits of actual good in my life were enough. Now I don't have dope filling in the holes, and I'm realizing how empty my life really is. It's hard. Especially when I'm not even sure how much of it is depression from detoxing and thus walking around semi-sick most of the time, and how much is from stuff that's actually going on. I honestly don't know. I feel like I have no control over my life, and it's really hard to get pleasure out of life cos I"m sick a lot and because of things going on.
But I'm working on making things better. I'm not just sitting here being sad - I'm trying to change the things that need to be changed. It's just exhausting being sad and anxious a good deal of the time. its like, if I could just be over the sickness and back to feeling normal, that would help soooo much. If I could just get pleasure out of things, so that even when I'm stressed, I could kick back and read, or watch tv or something, anything, and relax and take my mind of things for a while...
I WILL get through this though. I've come too far to go backwards. My future is in front of me, not behind me. There is a happy life for me, and I will get there.