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I'm done

BlueSaffron

BlueSaffron

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 11, 2013
Messages
1,117
I don't want to do dope anymore. I'd been getting tired of it for a while, but the other night, I went to see this guy I've been seeing, who I'm pretty crazy about. Because of timing and dealers who don't like to call back, ect ect, I couldn't cop til after I met him, so I ended up going to see him starting to get dopesick.

It was probably one of our better dates. :) I could feel everything. Nerves not dulled by opiates, his skin felt amazing against mine, he kept making me laugh (I notice I don't laugh much on dope), and it's just - it felt so good being able to FEEL. I want that again. I don't want to go see him high again, or even well.

The thing is, this run has lasted about six months, and I've been doing a half gram a day or a bit more depending on quality, so I'm trying to decide how to get off. Cold turkey isn't an option for reasons I can't get into. It's either methadone or tapering off H slowly.

Has anyone else ever tapered off H successfully? I was thinking of just doing enough to be barely well everyday, and slowly cutting down the amount.

I just want off it though. I've never felt so sure about quitting opiates in my life. In the past it was always "I know I gotta quit" but a big part of me didn'[t want to. This time I'm just done. I want off it. I want to live my life feeling things, not numbed out.
 
Hey Blue, the desire to feal again made me smile=D.. crazy thing about the beginning of opiate withdrawal and paws is that our emotions are so keyed up .. they are strong. but everybody seems to concentrate on this as a negative.. totally forget that there are many kinds of emotions.. so just as we can get slammed with negative emotions.. we can also do things that flip the emotion so we get hit with the most amazing positive emotions.

So good to hear you you might have found someone special=D

Here are some non opiate medications and threads that have both Opiate and non opiate medications in them for you to consider.. IMO the GABAs will be your best friends.. but I would not rule out the others.

medications for acute opiate detox

The medications I would explore the use of for detox would be:
>Clonidine< DOSED EVER FOUR HOURS..

one of either
>NEURONTIN< >HERE< >HERE<
OR >Lyrica<
OR >phenibut<

>A BENZO BUT JUST AT NIGHT<
>a nsaid<
>melatonin<
tylenol
Senokot S is a stool softener and laxative. If you do not want the laxative you can go for strait stool softenerDioctyl sodium sulfosuccinate.

(Opi Withdrawal) what is the best comfort meds for opiate w/d?

Your Personal Opiate Withdrawal Arsenal

You can do this<3
 
Unless your life is so chaotic that gaining stability is an immediate necessity I would steer well clear of methadone.

Have you thought about buprenorphine? If you're capable of tapering on the smack I would do that, it takes a much stronger person than me to be able to control a heroin taper though. If you can do it I'd say that's your best option, but it will take some mega control.
 
I tried so hard to taper off H, but it just wasn't working. I tried to just do a little, but it just didn't seem to work, like, I'd try to do enough to where my sickness was gone and I was well, but I couldn't seem to find that fine line - I'd always go over it and end up getting high.

So today I got on methadone. Things have changed a bit since last time - they start people on 30. I was like oh shit, man, that's not even gonna hold me at all, but it's fully kicked in now and I feel surprisingly good. I was going to ask to go up to 40 tomorrow but I think I'll see if I can just stick with 30. I'm trying to just do a quick detox and be off in a month or two at the most, so I want to start as low as possible.

neversickanymore - thank you SO much for the positive thoughts & advice. I didn't want to update this thread til I got on the clinic.

You're so right about feeling the lows AND the highs. I need to remember that when my dose gets lower and things start getting dicey. I remember when I was coming to the end of my taper last November, and feeling a bit sick - it sucked, but it was also like everything was turned up to 11 - colors were more vivid, music sounded amazing, the sky - just a normal blue sky with a few clouds - looked so beautiful... It was pretty cool. I just couldn't hang with the physical symptoms - it felt like I had a million ants crawling on the soles of my feet at night - I'd have to get out of bed five or six times a night just to stamp my feet on the ground to make that crawling feeling go away.

I tapered way too fast though. Going to try not to make that mistake this time. I'm still going to do a quick detox, but not crazy fast like before.

I'm glad I got on today. I feel kind of relieved, and like I'm moving forward in my life. For the last few months I've just kind of felt awful, like - I"m not going anywhere, I"m not improving my life, I"m just stuck on the junkie merry-go-round - wake up feeling awful, fix, feel really good for a little while (morning fix was my favorite one), go cop, go home, fix again. So much money down the drain... anyway though, that's over now.

I"ll keep this thread updated. Thanks again to both of you, neversickanymore and omen_owen mk2 :)
 
Nice one for getting some stability, it's the foundation on which you have to build IMO.

Fair play on trying the h taper because if you can manage it it's a much easier way out that methadone but it's a rare person that can accept the withdrawal they have to take every day whilst tapering when they've got the gear there in front of them to not only stop the sickness but get high.

You been on methadone before? Most places will want you to stabilise on a dose for 8 weeks or so and make sure you're not using on top before you start to reduce. When you do reduce even if you stay at 30 and take two months for the reduction it's going to be pretty rough. That's a 5ml drop every week until 10ml and then 2ml drops every week down from there zero. It will be noticeably rough all the way down and then you'll still have some acutes (although not so intense) for a number of weeks after that. Not trying to scare you or owt just wondering whether you know what you're in for?!
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Nice one for getting some stability, it's the foundation on which you have to build IMO.

Fair play on trying the h taper because if you can manage it it's a much easier way out that methadone but it's a rare person that can accept the withdrawal they have to take every day whilst tapering when they've got the gear there in front of them to not only stop the sickness but get high.

You been on methadone before? Most places will want you to stabilise on a dose for 8 weeks or so and make sure you're not using on top before you start to reduce. When you do reduce even if you stay at 30 and take two months for the reduction it's going to be pretty rough. That's a 5ml drop every week until 10ml and then 2ml drops every week down from there zero. It will be noticeably rough all the way down and then you'll still have some acutes (although not so intense) for a number of weeks after that. Not trying to scare you or owt just wondering whether you know what you're in for?!
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Yeah I've been on before. The clinic I'm on doesn't make you stabilize, you can go down whenever you want.

Yes I understand how methadone withdrawal is. I mentioned withdrawing too quickly in my previous post.
 
day two. woke up pretty sick & can't get to the clinic for a few hours, but it's still nowhere near as sick as I'd wake up when doing dope.

I'm good though. The old me would've been thinking "well I"ll just go cop a piece to get me through these few hours/first few days", but nahh. I'm good.
 
Way to hang tight, Blue. Glad your mind embraced the difference--it's powerful to notice such things.<3
 
thanks :) Still haven't copped anything.

I just need to keep reminding myself that I have spent YEARS on heroin. It's enough already - it's time to do something else with my life besides be a junkie. To be honest I don't remember what it's like to be sober and feel good. I was on heroin for years, then got on methadone, got off in Nov but tapered too fast and was still sick, which is part of why I started using again.. used heroin for a few months and now I"m back on methadone.

I just want to know what it's like to wake up and feel good without using any chemicals. I want to feel that again.
 
And you can. I think sometimes the exhaustion in self destructive habits just gets more powerful than the habit. <3
 
I am totally gonna be that guy, get to a doctor and then a meeting. Remember how obsessed you were about using? You gotta but that much effort into staying clean.
 
Still havent used, and dont plan to :)

Im not a meetings person-it just doesnt work for me-i get nothing out of it except an overwhelming urge to get away and go get high.

As for seeing a doctor, i did-im on methadone-29 yesterday, probly going to drop to 25 today & then give myself a week to get used to that, then drop another 5.

I so want to know what it is to feel good without dope. Im hanging in, in part, so i can feel that again.
 
BlueSaffron said:
I don't want to do dope anymore. I'd been getting tired of it for a while, but the other night, I went to see this guy I've been seeing, who I'm pretty crazy about. Because of timing and dealers who don't like to call back, ect ect, I couldn't cop til after I met him, so I ended up going to see him starting to get dopesick.

It was probably one of our better dates. :) I could feel everything. Nerves not dulled by opiates, his skin felt amazing against mine, he kept making me laugh (I notice I don't laugh much on dope), and it's just - it felt so good being able to FEEL. I want that again. I don't want to go see him high again, or even well.

The thing is, this run has lasted about six months, and I've been doing a half gram a day or a bit more depending on quality, so I'm trying to decide how to get off. Cold turkey isn't an option for reasons I can't get into. It's either methadone or tapering off H slowly.

Has anyone else ever tapered off H successfully? I was thinking of just doing enough to be barely well everyday, and slowly cutting down the amount.

I just want off it though. I've never felt so sure about quitting opiates in my life. In the past it was always "I know I gotta quit" but a big part of me didn'[t want to. This time I'm just done. I want off it. I want to live my life feeling things, not numbed out.
Click to expand...



You'll be fine. It sounds like you are still in-touch enough that a quick taper down/cold turkey - will do just fine. DONT GO ON SUBOXONE OR METHADONE MATIENENCE. If you have to , tell the guy what you are going through, it may help; he may respect you for being honest. Or don't its up to you. plan on 2 to 3 weeks before you;ll be feeling like your old self again.
 
I can't tell him - he's a square. He's also a cop. So yeah... that's a no-go. He's a really cool guy tho - I know cops aren't well-liked around these parts, but he's one of the good ones. He doesn't lie on people or take people in on mickey-mouse shit.

Anyway... dropped down to 24 today (from 29). Waiting for it to kick in... we'll see how it goes. If it's bad I'll just go back up a couple, but I want to at least try to stay on 24 for a week, and then maybe jump to 20.

Having a bit of a hard day today. I hate the anxiety that comes with detoxing. I worry about EVERYTHING. Last night I was texting the guy and we said bye and he said miss you and I said "miss you tooo".

For the rest of the night I thought, "I shouldn't have put that extra "o" on "too", that looked ridiculous. Fuck".

I need to go read a book and try to chill out.
 
BlueSaffron said:
Im not a meetings person-it just doesnt work for me-i get nothing out of it except an overwhelming urge to get away and go get high.
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I felt that way for a long time myself. Eventually I realized I had to find better meetings. I am far from a 12 step fundie, but people often find they help out. If anything, its nice to meet other people who are sober.

Whatever it takes though. Have you tried SMART? Do you have an outpatient place you can attend? In my experience, it is very difficult to stay clean without support. I have detoxed god knows how many times, but its the whole living part/becoming complacent that screws me up.

This time it seems to be sticking though. When I just really admitted to myself that I am far past the point of ever being able to manage my use things go much easier. Its just not an option for me to use.
 
I've tried different types of meetings, different locations, ect. Meetings just aren't for me.

I'm just not into counseling much, either. I had a bad experience with counseling when I was 12, and ever since that I've stayed away from it. I'd rather just keep my friends as my support system - I do have sober friends, so that helps a lot.

The last couple days have been kind of hard, but I'm sticking it out. It occurred to me driving home from the clinic today that I don't even know what "normal" feels like. I know what high feels like, and dopesick, and being well on methadone. But it's been a long time since I was sober and not sick. When I got off methadone last november I only lasted a few days, but even those days, I was sick, cos I tapered really fast. I never got to the 'feeling good' stage... and it's just really trippy to realize that you honestly don't know what feeling 'normal' feels like. In that case, how will I even fucking know when I get there?

I keep wanting to eat the last couple days, too... I just feel ravenous all the time. Trying not to though, I'm trying to get fit - I've lost 111 lbs in the last two years and I only have 25 lbs to get to my goal weight, so I don't want to mess that up.

So no food, no dope. Personal life is stressful. I'm so used to having something to turn to... so to just have to sit here and feel these bad feelings is just really hard.
 
Good for you! Having the desire and having the reason will get you through it! Just keep your eyes on the prize, and remember how goods things feel clear headed.

Don't worry about meetings if they're not for you, you have to find a program that works for you.

I wouldn't deny yourself food right now though, your body is trying to recover and you need to eat. Do you like produce (fruits and vegetables)? It's something to eat, but not something you'll worry will be putting on pounds. Fresh fruits and vegetables will also help you feel better naturally. If you can't eat them whole and raw for whatever reason I would recommend a juicer. Stomach issues keep me from eating enough green stuff but juicing it is great (and tastes WAY better than I ever would have guessed, I just use more apple than serious health nuts).
 
BlueSaffron said:
I've tried different types of meetings, different locations, ect. Meetings just aren't for me.

I'm just not into counseling much, either. I had a bad experience with counseling when I was 12, and ever since that I've stayed away from it. I'd rather just keep my friends as my support system - I do have sober friends, so that helps a lot.

The last couple days have been kind of hard, but I'm sticking it out. It occurred to me driving home from the clinic today that I don't even know what "normal" feels like. I know what high feels like, and dopesick, and being well on methadone. But it's been a long time since I was sober and not sick. When I got off methadone last november I only lasted a few days, but even those days, I was sick, cos I tapered really fast. I never got to the 'feeling good' stage... and it's just really trippy to realize that you honestly don't know what feeling 'normal' feels like. In that case, how will I even fucking know when I get there?

I keep wanting to eat the last couple days, too... I just feel ravenous all the time. Trying not to though, I'm trying to get fit - I've lost 111 lbs in the last two years and I only have 25 lbs to get to my goal weight, so I don't want to mess that up.

So no food, no dope. Personal life is stressful. I'm so used to having something to turn to... so to just have to sit here and feel these bad feelings is just really hard.
Click to expand...

Hey, good for you. That is fair enough. I just suggest trying to find some sort of outlet for these feelings. Maybe painting, making music, journaling etc
 
This anxiety sucks. It SUCKS. What i wouldnt do to feel calm and positive for a little while...

Keep reminding myself this is detox, this is withdrawal. This isnt how its going to be forever... Its only been a week. Im on a very low methadone dose after six months of good heroin.

I have to at least try. I have a warm bed and food and a little money. I have, knock on wood (theres that anxiety), a gorgeous, amazing guy in my life, who i dont want to go see high anymore...

And last but not least, heroin will always be there. If i try out this sober life and its an unmitigated disaster, i can always go back to dope... But i think i owe it to myself to at least really TRY to live and be happy without substances.
 
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