• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

I'm done

Cravings.. But im not going to cave. I want to feel good without drugs... Taking more drugs isnt going to help with that. Just gotta tough it out. Short term pain long term gain. I just need to get through this once, & thats it.
 
No im not clean.. and im not super happy, i try to pick out some random bluelighter and help them do the right thing , so that hopefully the universe (or even other BLs) will help me out when i choose to finally clean up. . So i got my eye on you saffron, youre my special project lol.

PS im jealous of your sobriety
 
rant ahead:

I don't know how I"m supposed to do this. I've got so much going on in my life right now, relationship issues, trying to find a job, living with someone who's not stable... doing this all while coming off dope is just... insane. It's so fucking hard sometimes. I miss the happiness dope gave me... even if it was fake, at least it was something. Now I'm tapering and I just don't feel that great a lot of the time, and it's hard, and the problems in my life dont make it any easier... and its like sometimes I want to use, but I dont, because I want to get somewhere in life, so I just feel trapped in this unhappiness and like I'm never going to feel light and free and happy ever again. It's so hard, it hurts so fucking much, all of it, its just like a ton of bricks weighing me down, and no one even knows the half of what's really going on.

am I ever going to feel happy again?

motiv-you'll be sober someday. if you want it, it's there for the taking.
 
Sometimes I need to break it down to this: "How will getting high improve this situation? What will be better when they wear off?"
 
I put on my workout clothes and took an hour walk and I feel better. I need to remember that when I feel like this I need to get out of the house, and I need to leave as soon as it starts, not sit here and let it get worse.

I know getting high wouldn't improve it - that's the whole problem, lol. To be honest, if I thought getting high would make me feel better, I'd probably go get high right now. But it won't. I mean yeah I'd feel better in some ways, but I'd feel guilty and I"d be worrying - how much did I set myself back? and thinking about how going to cop isn't going to get me closer to feeling better without drugs, or closer to having an apartment outside the city, or closer to any of the things I want. I wasn't considering using... I was just miserable and needed to vent :)

eta: it's just hard to realize that much of my "happiness" was kind of...not real. I got high, and because I had dope telling me everything was good, the little bits of actual good in my life were enough. Now I don't have dope filling in the holes, and I'm realizing how empty my life really is. It's hard. Especially when I'm not even sure how much of it is depression from detoxing and thus walking around semi-sick most of the time, and how much is from stuff that's actually going on. I honestly don't know. I feel like I have no control over my life, and it's really hard to get pleasure out of life cos I"m sick a lot and because of things going on.

But I'm working on making things better. I'm not just sitting here being sad - I'm trying to change the things that need to be changed. It's just exhausting being sad and anxious a good deal of the time. its like, if I could just be over the sickness and back to feeling normal, that would help soooo much. If I could just get pleasure out of things, so that even when I'm stressed, I could kick back and read, or watch tv or something, anything, and relax and take my mind of things for a while...

I WILL get through this though. I've come too far to go backwards. My future is in front of me, not behind me. There is a happy life for me, and I will get there.
 
Last edited:
I feel like I've lost my "me-ness". I know (or I hope at least) that this is temporary, but... you know that feeling when you're relaxed and happy and confident, you're feeling good so you chat and make jokes, are able to chill and watch tv and laugh at a funny show, or chill and read a book and lose yourself in it, or hang with a friend and just watch tv and be happy... that's so hard right now. I feel anxious, its hard to enjoy anything, it's so hard to just BE HAPPY. I can't see anything good, its like if I'm given half an apple my mind just goes to "I was only given half.. is that cos they dont like me that much? Cos I'm not pretty? THey're just giving me the apple to be nice, they dont even want me to have half really". I didnt think like tht when I was on dope (although granted, when I was on dope I would've thought "half an apple! They love me and want to marry me!", lol.

I'm really impulsive, I think of something and go to facebook and start typing, stop, look at what Ive typed and delete it... I'm antsy and achy and aggravated and apathetic. Bored and cynical and depressed and I have ennui. Fuck.

The thing is though, even with all that... I can say it's getting better. When I cry in the afternoon it's not as hard or as long..and it's not everyday like it was in the first few weeks. Sometimes I even feel sleepy in the afternoon - and you know as an opiate addict in WD how much you yearn for that sleepy feeling instead of feeling like you're plugged into an electric outlet. I'm less impulsive and antsy than I was. Amazingly, it seems my brain is healing a bit. And thank fuck for that, because with everything else going on in my life, if I still had no improvement at almost a month and a half I'd probly throw in the towel.

It's almost like being a baby... how its good to pick up and cuddle them, a LOT, but you also need to leave them be occasionally so they learn how to self-soothe. Heroin was what soothed me for years, and now I'm learning to do it on my own all over again. Before, the answer to EVERYTHING - fight with bf, late bill, tummy ache, boredome, worry about a broken fingernail - I'd just do some dope. And I was on dope for a long time, so its like my brain forgot a lot of how to make itself happy on its own.

I'm just happy to have a little progress... although overall I am far from "happy".

It's insane to me that I did this to myself. Caused so much damage that without heroin I don't even know how to BE.


The further I go with this sober thing though, the more I feel like I'm never going to cop heroin again. I'm not going to say I wouldn't pop a vicodin if I found one - just being honest. I might, I might not. But I'm pretty sure I'll never do heroin again. Don't ask me why - just started feeling that way this past week. I think, as the title of this thread says, I'm done.
 
You are doing great Blue Saffron. I have to admit I still have moments of worry and dread and all that stuff, but I try to remind myself to just try to live in the moment. If I think about the future I often (but not always) worry, if I think about the past I often focus on all the bullshit I pulled and start hating myself. If I focus on the moment and I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I can feel content sometimes.

A few days ago I had some real moments of peace, serenity and contentment. I was just comfortable and accepting of myself. Its a beautiful thing. This is new to me and is much different from the manic cycle of hating oneself and then feeling insanely and manically euphoric/happy which I got in early clean time. I remember this from the last time I was clean, but it is happening much earlier this time around. Also, I have to say when I say "remember" its not that I remember the feeling, just remember that and one point I felt okay with myself. Once I start using, I forget all the great parts (and there are many) about being clean.
 
Saffron- - - As a Mormon (who is inactive) we believe "all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the use and constitution of man" Doctrine and Covenants Section 89 - seered / Channeled by Joseph Smith. . .

If you can't cope and are literally crying everyday , that seems like a bit to much for anyone to handle (I couldn't, would probably end myself)

Have you looked in to Ayahuasca or Ibogaine ? If not these herbs, Kratom , Kanna, Kava Kava, Blue Lotus ' were instrumental in the period of time I really gave up opiates/suboxone. These herbs along with meditation, yoga, tai chi, running etc etc literally saved my life..... just look into it as a potential solution; albeit temporary
 
motiv311 said:
Saffron- - - As a Mormon (who is inactive) we believe "all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the use and constitution of man" Doctrine and Covenants Section 89 - seered / Channeled by Joseph Smith. . .

If you can't cope and are literally crying everyday , that seems like a bit to much for anyone to handle (I couldn't, would probably end myself)

Have you looked in to Ayahuasca or Ibogaine ? If not these herbs, Kratom , Kanna, Kava Kava, Blue Lotus ' were instrumental in the period of time I really gave up opiates/suboxone. These herbs along with meditation, yoga, tai chi, running etc etc literally saved my life..... just look into it as a potential solution; albeit temporary
Click to expand...

I have to be careful what drugs I take unfortunately - I'm allergic to stimulants and sometimes my body has a reaction to new drugs even when they're not stimulants, for no good reason. I've come this far ok, so I'm going to keep at it just on the methadone. I have gabapentin and a couple ativan if I need them. The physical symptoms aren't that bad. The mental part isn't just because of drugs - it's a relationship problem thing. If it weren't for that I would probably be doing better. But I'm hanging in there, I'm not suicidal and I'm not contemplating using again, just trying to get through each day and work on changing my life for the better. By that I mean finding a job so I can move out of where I live and get my own place. Just that is going to be huge, but I know it's not going to happen for a few more months unfortunately.

I'm ok though... thank you for your concern, I appreciate it. <3 Posting here helps a lot, both in this thread and in the Staying Sober thread.

Phactor - staying in the moment is hard. I'm stressing about a situation I have no answers to, so it's hard not to just sit here and wonder why, and then come up with my own reasons... and it's not something I can just let go of, at least not yet. I'm really glad you're having peaceful moments. I'm less anxious than I used to be, thankfully. Ugh, that shit was awful - felt like a crack high without the "high" - just amped up and uncomfortable. So glad that feeling has gone down a lot.
 
BlueSaffron said:
Phactor - staying in the moment is hard. I'm stressing about a situation I have no answers to, so it's hard not to just sit here and wonder why, and then come up with my own reasons... and it's not something I can just let go of, at least not yet. I'm really glad you're having peaceful moments. I'm less anxious than I used to be, thankfully. Ugh, that shit was awful - felt like a crack high without the "high" - just amped up and uncomfortable. So glad that feeling has gone down a lot.
Click to expand...

I was actually talking to someone in a meeting yesterday who was on day 4 or 5 of detox yesterday. She said "I feel good one minute and terrible the next"... I totally understood that feeling. Its like you cannot figure out if you want to get clean or not, if you are doing the right thing etc etc... its just euphoria and dread, euphoria then dread... I get almost manic when I go through it. I am all over the place. I remember it being the worst with long acting opiates (detox from things like poppy pods, suboxone etc) so I'd imagine methadone would be the same. Most I have ever taken done for was a week (actually my last detox, I used it to break a small opiate run and about 2 years of daily drinking). I timed it perfectly, because I usually had to detox in a hospital when it came to getting off booze and benzos.

That ready rock analogy is perfect....

But it will get better. I am proud of you. I hope you are proud of yourself.
 
Great going, I'm so glad you're doing better! We're all proud of you and your progress! :hugs: <3
 
Thank you both, it means a lot.

Was looking for the stylus for my iPad tonight, digging in old boxes of random stuff, and found 5 vicodin. I have to admit when I found them I was happy and excited - it's "free" drugs, right, it doesn't count cos I didn't go buy it, I just found it. I wasn't LOOKING for trouble. I was so glad to have found them, and was thinking ok, I'll take one like once a week when I really need it.

But now it's a few hours later, and pretty much all desire to do them is gone. Not saying I'm going to throw them away, but normally I'd be planning when I could take my first one. Now I'm just like well ok, I have them if I really want one... but it doesn't change things much, I still want to be clean, I don't want to fuck up my WD. I just went down 2 mg and it felt like a sharp drop, I take a vicodin now I am going to mess things up. I'm not even adjusted to dropping to 20 mg yet.

And crucially... the situation in my life that's bothering me is still going to bother me even if I take a vicodin and feel better. I know that, so no plans to take one anytime soon.
 
I cant you guys. Not tonight. Its vicodin or Jameson and since i dont want to fuck up my taper i guess im getting drunk. I had a bad day today. Theres no point elaborating, it would doubtless sound stupid to anyone reading.

Its not what i really want-what i really want is just to be held, all night, and not let go, but thats not going to happen tonight or probly any night soon. So its Jameson.. Wish i had dome Baileys to go with it. Im not really a drinker, its never been an issue for me, so theres not much in the house, just Jameson and Heineken. Actually some Tequila Rose rounds good...

Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.
 
Ive been feeling this negative emotion all day... I did my time, lol.

Thanks nsa :)

Eta: didnt end up drinking... Just didnt feel like it. Still want a vicodin but its almost midnight, ill probly just skip it & go to sleep.
 
Last edited:
Also, it wasnt just one day of negative emotions.. Its been months, and ive been going through every bit of it without drugs, so i wouldnt really say im 'avoiding negative emotions' if i want to take a break for a few hours after months of it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top