dont feel too good today... I did briefly think of copping, but the strange thing is, I just don't want to. I honestly don't think it would make me feel better. I mean yeah it would in some ways - it would take away the physical discomfort and it would make me feel more calm... but along with that I"d have the depression and disappointment that I used again, the worry that I'm going to keep fucking up and never get clean... gone are the days (I think?) where I can just say "fuck it I'm going to use" and have that actually... work. There's things I want to do in my life. At the risk of alienating some people reading this, you know what? I don't want to be a drug addict anymore. I don't want to be that person. I want a nice, normal life - a job, an apartment, someone to love. I want my excitement to be going to the movies or going camping or swimming or whatever. I don't want to be Ms. Counterculture, Against Authority, Got Away With So Much Stuff, Streetwise, ect, anymore. I want a normal life, badly. And I just don't want to do heroin anymore - I KNOW if I use, at the same time I feel better in some ways, I'll feel even worse in others. So at least for today, it doesn't seem worth it. Using is for when I didn't have goals. I have goals now, and using will make those goals harder to achieve.
I guess I just don't want to be that person anymore.
The mood swings suck though. I had an amazing day yesterday, I really did. Any normal person would be like, basking in the afterglow...but I'm down today, and I know its the withdrawal. I have NO energy, I don't feel like doing anything except sitting here, except sitting here is depressing me, lol. I can't win
Trying to be positive though. Going to make myself go grocery shopping in a bit, and come home and maybe read a little.
eta: also, the more I think about it, the more I realize that some of this depression may not be withdrawal related completely - some of it just may be the realization that I used because there are things about my life that make me unhappy. Heroin masked all that and allowed me to function. Now that it's gone, it's just like... I'm realizing why it was so hard for me to quit for so long. I NEEDED that dope, to be happy, or at least to maintain. So since I don't want to do dope anymore, I need to change my life so it doesn't make me unhappy. Sounds doable... but the only catch is, the things I want to do take time. In the meantime, while the elements of my life that make me unhappy are still present... that's the hard part. I know what I'm supposed to do is put my head down and put one foot in front of the other and keep trying til I make the necessary changes, but it's hard when you're down like, all the time.
It's so frustrating. I'm down, like I said, even though I had an amazing day yesterday. If I was doing dope, right now I'd be like, listening to music, remembering yesterday while cleaning, ect, or whatever. Happy. But instead I'm down.
K, that's enough typing about how crappy I feel for now.
reading this really helped last night. 
I swear I felt a little sicker this am than normal, but it may have been in my mind. There's no more vics here tho, and I don't buy pills on the street cos you just never know what you're getting... I just couldn't resist one little half a vicodin.