That looks like a beautiful attitude to me
It feels
right to me. I don't know if I believe in destiny, or fate, or whether or not we even have a purpose here... but if we do, that feels like the right path. There is a lot of good that can come from caring for others, being compassionate, from the heart, not because you expect to be rewarded. It
is it's own reward.
Though the first part still feels sad.. I get you. It's what I also felt often - aside the definite part. I'm still scared of death...
Oh I'm definitely scared. I uh... I don't know if I've said this or not, but I hung myself once when I was in my early twenties. Over my ex. Bad times. I just wanted her to know I loved her and we were arguing all the time, she was cheating on me constantly. It wasn't fun. So that night, I just couldn't think of any other way to show her that I loved her than to give up the one thing I could truly call my own, at least as I saw it. While I was out, I ... saw things. And if I have any sense about me at all, this wasn't a dream. Wasn't synapses firing in my brain, chemicals etc. It was more real than any moment I've had here on Earth. It lasted for what seemed like maybe 5 seconds. I was in darkness at first. Like the stage where you're asleep and not dreaming. You have a sort of dim sense of self awareness, you know? You're not able to think or sense the self actively, but when you awaken from that part of sleep you know you existed and can sort of remember time passing. I don't know if that makes any sense but it seems like a normal part of sleep and unconsciousness to me, so I hope you at least get an idea of what I'm talking about.
In the blackness I sort of started to become aware that I was in darkness, more aware anyway... I could see a pinprick of light, like a black monitor with a single pixel lit up. It started to grow, or I was moving forward incredibly fast, or both... I'm not really sure. It was like the pixel grew and expanded to encompass me, like I had left a tunnel and entered into bright daylight. Just a figure of speech, as far as I know there was no tunnel. Just darkness, and then the world came to be around me. I saw mist everywhere... I don't know if the mist was tinted blue, or the light was tinted blue and coloring the mist, but there was blue mist everywhere. All around me, and as far into the horizon as I could see. To my left, there was a block of rough hewn grey stone. Like an altar. It had nothing on it, not cloth no knick nacks of any sort. Just a stone block, sitting on another stone slab a little bigger than it and of the same stone as far as I could tell. I looked in front of me and there was a figure standing there with his back turned to me. He wore a stained brown tattered ... well what looked to be burlap robe. The robe had a hood, the hood was down. His head was bald, shiny. He was dark skinned, like what ancient Egyptians are depicted as looking like, kind of Middle Eastern, you know? He turned, relatively slowly but not in a dramatic way or anything... just turned like he noticed I was there, looked at me, and I woke up, on the floor, back in my bedroom with Allison. When I did that, hung myself, I was ... not in a good space... (obviously lol...) I was raging, crying, ready to check out. Mostly just sad and tired. When I woke up... I was exuberant, elated. I
knew, that I had just seen evidence of something.. "else." There was no question in my mind. I was doing my best to console Allison... she wasn't in a good space either... (also obviously after having just witnessed that...) I can't really explain how it was to wake up after seeing that... it was the strangest thing I've ever experienced, bar none. (with maybe the exception of a nightmare I had once.)
I will never forget that experience. I have had my doubts since, about the synapses firing, brain dying, etc. But I can't shake the feeling that it wasn't that. I know a lot of people have NDE's to share. This was just... something I had been begging the universe for since I was little. A sign, something to hold onto. Anyway, I hope you don't think differently of me after that. I wasn't an abusive person toward Allison. Never hit her or anything. We had our quarrels, and ... man that period of my life was rough. Hard. I never want to experience anything like that ever again, the relationship shit.
Talk about a ramble, eh?
But it's not like I'm free to travel as I wish. Or let's say I lack the energy to organize much of traveling with the kids...
That lack of energy is an unfortunate part of this predicament we find ourselves in. It's definitely a hurdle. But, you keep trying, getting back up after you fall down. You'll succeed. I have faith.
I'm sometimes feeling really sorry for them because of that. My parents used to travel quite often with us...
Yeah. That hits home pretty hard. That's a part of the reason, I think, that I am where I'm at right now. My family used to have get togethers, we used to camp every fourth of july, clams and lobster. Man I miss that shit. Out canoeing on the lake by myself. Fishing. Finding cool rocks. The campfires at night. Just sitting there staring into the fire. That's gone now. My family is fractured. Dads gone, Uncle Raymond's gone. All of my grandparents are gone. Yeah, time is rough. I never would have thought that bond would be broken. Shows what I know, right?
But who knows what a next life would bring? It could be heaven or hell even if you were reborn as a human in the same country...
Honestly, I hope they just let me rest. For a while. Forever. No more life. Peace for a while. Need a recharge. Battery depleted.
I hope this doesn't come off rude but there's a Buddhist quote that fascinated me a lot when I was young, I still have it pasted on one of my oldest folders: "People are often taking death too lightly and think: 'Who cares, death comes to everyone after all. It's natural, so it's going to be alright.' That's a nice theory - until you die." ( taken from "Life in relation to death" by Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche )
I don't think it's rude at all. I think it's a nice sentiment. But I also think I'd stick my tongue out at him and go "Neener neener!"
I keep slipping back into the habit and causing myself more pain
But you keep getting back up. It's the ticket. The key. It's hard sometimes, but you still do it. I think that matters more than anyone knows, more than some meme or some random guy telling you it does.
And being regular makes a huge difference...
Yes it definitely does lol. I had my shit together for a while. Every three days. Everything was ok, finally... now I'm just passed around from douchebag to douchebag. Eh. That's life I guess for some people.
In dreams we can be alive where we can't when we're awake. They're another world where we can be whole/ourselves in a lot more ways than in daily life. ...
I don't even know how to respond to this, but I wanted to, so here goes.
YES. (Hehe...)
imo the only way to taper from H if you can't stop cold is to use a substitute first.
I tried doing that with Roxies. It seemed to work at first but the longer I went the sicker I got. I had to revert back to whatever I could find. I tried going to opanas, but no one I know can find them anymore for any affordable price. $150+ dollars for a single 40 mg pill. Can't do that.
It's gonna be the minor priority in getting clean, as in the next step after quitting opioids...
Ah yeah weeds a cakewalk. Well it was for me I'm not trying to belittle anyone's struggles. I'm just trying to be positive. When you leave the other stuff behind, I think you'll agree leaving weed behind is kind of an afterthought. I hope so anyway.
It's happening just now...
Ah... well shit... I hope it wasn't anything I said. I don't have much of a filter I don't think. But I don't try to hurt anyone. I'm just... face first into the wind... full speed, say what I think. Be myself.
but I try again and again..
And that is the part that matters the most. The key to the door.
I don't want you to think badly of me because my replies got shorter at the end here, but I'm super tired. Been up for a while now and I can't seem to get any sleep, so I'm going to try again. Throw on some booming thunderstorms and rain sounds and close my shmucky eyes. Here's to hoping. I shall see you on the flip side my friend.
, saying the same shitty things that I used to and turning the vicious cycle around one more time...
