Venting I just hate being sober

[pixies+]

Man, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way... but you are lucky. A lucky person. Whether you feel that way or not (something tells me you know you are.)

You know what? Thank you. I appreciate you saying that.
I do feel lucky in many, many ways. I really shouldn’t be here. That first attempt was the most serious attempt. I made some half assed ones after that. Nothing to the same degree though. I was suicidal for a very long time. My own bullshit kept getting in my own way. I’m still self destructive.. just shows up in the strangest ways at the strangest times.

I have a daughter that I never got to meet, not in person, and not for the first 18 years of her life. Didn't even know she existed. Her mom told her some really fucked up lies about me so she grew up believing all of that

Ugh… dude this hurts my heart for you. Something similar happened to my brother. Their girl was 4(?) when they divorced. She made it god damn impossible for my brother (and my parents .. and me) to see her. She did much the same as that person did to you. This bitch convinced her her dad wanted nothing to do with her.. he was a deadbeat. Every time he’d try to call she’d hang up on him and accuse him of not calling. ‘A’ grew up with this shit constantly being smashed into her brain. She’s in her 20s now. Still
No contact. Though my brother had to pay alimony and child support to a wife he no longer had, and to a daughter he didn’t get to see. Tragic. I’ll never understand people that use their kids as pawns.

I hope someday… you get to have a relationship with her.. or a grandchild. You never know… but maybe youve given up on that idea. I wouldn’t blame you. People can only handle so much.

which is nice

So nice.

She messages me up whenever she wants money. Which means she never messages me anymore because I never have any

Just making sure I’m getting this right… your daughter messaged you for money every so often?

Even got some grandkids I'll probably never meet. Offered to drive down there once and meet them all and it was declined. I saw her once at the Farmington fair in Maine. She was probably 1 or 2 years old, riding on the shoulders of her grandfather

And here … you saw your grandkid on her grandfathers shoulders…?

They quickly avoided me. I guess that shoulda clued me in.

I say this with all the kindness in my heart… maybe you should’ve clued in. Maybe. But you strike me as someone that sees the best and hopes for the best from people. Like maybe they would’ve waved! And then from there… who knows…
Im so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds heartbreaking and damaging. I would’ve been furious, inconsolable, and then wildly depressed if that happened to me.

Sounds like you’re quite strong, too

Anyway I didn't reply because I wanted to rant. I wanted to tell you that the meaning of life, is to give life meaning. (Cute little saying, right?) But I really think that's true. Too bad I'm so shit at it lol

I like that little saying. I appreciate things like that. Those ‘little’ things often end up being the ‘big’ things when it comes time for me to make changes. Can’t say I’m the best at it either.

You know what makes my heart ache right from the bottom of my heart strings? It’s the fact that my daughter’s father tried so hard to keep her from me. But she never really thought much of him. He never gave her the type of love she needed. She needs a very specific kind… and apparently I’m the only one that knows how to give it to her. SHE fought for me as much as I fought for her.

She wasn’t letting me out of her life that easy. She thought I didn’t love her… she cried for me. Then she realized that her dad didn’t pass any of my messages along to her. I was able to show her. I sent two messages a day for months. “Tell her I love her” “yup ”

He assumed he’d get away with that forever. He took me to court so I’d ’get Better’ but wouldn’t let me see my girl. 2 days a week at my parents at one point. Until she absolutely lost her mind… she wouldn’t look at him. Ignored everything he said. Wouldn’t let him come near her or touch her until she could be with mommy. My falls were always his highlights - until our kid turned out to be more inclined to have my heart/soul. Not the negative/greedy one like her dads.

On paper he looks like a winner. On paper I look like … shit. I hate how mothers are looked at. I’m sorry… I was just a very conflicted addict until I accidentally got pregnant. Could I have done better? Yes. But… I did what I did because I didn’t know any better at that time.

Ohhhhhhh life!!!

Thank you for the kind words