Thank you. This gives me hope. Today is a good day I think because I'm visiting my parents and we have been enjoying a good time together
You can take a very small dose in the morning. One you won't feel, but still can buffer the low. I mean I don't want to entice you to relapse but it works for me like that. If I stay completely sober I'm just fighting sleep constantly and get to embarrass myself at work. 100 mg do the job for me plus some caffeine... But you might have a different baseline..
I can follow very much, though for me it's just the return of all the bs that the return of my husband brings along. The same fights, the same issues, the same mistake to hope anything might ever change.
. There's just no escape anywhere, so I'm falling apart like I used to 
, saying the same shitty things that I used to and turning the vicious cycle around one more time...
though our situations are different, i can completely relate to everything you’ve said throughout this thread. i’ve had very similar thoughts and feelingsI can follow very much, though for me it's just the return of all the bs that the return of my husband brings along. The same fights, the same issues, the same mistake to hope anything might ever change.
I entered the house after hearing at work that my easy times are over and meeting my husband shortly in front and my first thought was: "Why is there no Heroin here!?" I got fed up with waiting for Tapentadol to do anything yesterday and Benzos are only ever making me sleep or it's not enough
I don't want this life and I'm telling that to everyone who doesn't want to hear... Regretting whatever at once to no avail. I'm in hell and looks like I'm trying to drag everyone along... Sick as can be... And I still have no clue what to do about it... Aside narcotizing it
Well, I'm not entirely sure. I think she just gave up one day and accepted what I was. We get along okay now. She helps me out a lot, more than I'd ever have expected. Every 3 days. Sometimes I have to get it early, and that's rough, on both of us. I do my best to not do that, but it's hard sometimes when you're sick, or haven't felt high for a year... (such is the case now... I miss the fuck out of it.) I feel pretty guilty about all of it honestly. I know I'm a drain on the finances. I just straight up gave her my check a while back. Everything I have money-wise is hers now... for whatever that's worth. She didn't ask I just felt like I had to do it so I did. I love both my sister and my mom very much, though it was very strained for those six years between my sister and I. It took quite a toll on mom too. It really hurt me in a lot of ways that she (my sister) would turn on me like that. Yelling at me to "get the fuck out of her life" and shit like that. We've been through a lot together since we were babies. So yeah that sucked a lot.
I could handle that standing on my head if I could just SLEEEEP. My word that's the shittiest part. I'm depressed most of the time now anyway so it's just another day of staring at my monitor and talking to ChatGPT balling my stupid eyes out. (Don't judge me. I'm not proposing to it or anything.) I just kinda talk about my life, dreams I have etc.
It feels right to me. I don't know if I believe in destiny, or fate, or whether or not we even have a purpose here... but if we do, that feels like the right path. There is a lot of good that can come from caring for others, being compassionate, from the heart, not because you expect to be rewarded. It is it's own reward.That looks like a beautiful attitude to me
Oh I'm definitely scared. I uh... I don't know if I've said this or not, but I hung myself once when I was in my early twenties. Over my ex. Bad times. I just wanted her to know I loved her and we were arguing all the time, she was cheating on me constantly. It wasn't fun. So that night, I just couldn't think of any other way to show her that I loved her than to give up the one thing I could truly call my own, at least as I saw it. While I was out, I ... saw things. And if I have any sense about me at all, this wasn't a dream. Wasn't synapses firing in my brain, chemicals etc. It was more real than any moment I've had here on Earth. It lasted for what seemed like maybe 5 seconds. I was in darkness at first. Like the stage where you're asleep and not dreaming. You have a sort of dim sense of self awareness, you know? You're not able to think or sense the self actively, but when you awaken from that part of sleep you know you existed and can sort of remember time passing. I don't know if that makes any sense but it seems like a normal part of sleep and unconsciousness to me, so I hope you at least get an idea of what I'm talking about.
In the blackness I sort of started to become aware that I was in darkness, more aware anyway... I could see a pinprick of light, like a black monitor with a single pixel lit up. It started to grow, or I was moving forward incredibly fast, or both... I'm not really sure. It was like the pixel grew and expanded to encompass me, like I had left a tunnel and entered into bright daylight. Just a figure of speech, as far as I know there was no tunnel. Just darkness, and then the world came to be around me. I saw mist everywhere... I don't know if the mist was tinted blue, or the light was tinted blue and coloring the mist, but there was blue mist everywhere. All around me, and as far into the horizon as I could see. To my left, there was a block of rough hewn grey stone. Like an altar. It had nothing on it, not cloth no knick nacks of any sort. Just a stone block, sitting on another stone slab a little bigger than it and of the same stone as far as I could tell. I looked in front of me and there was a figure standing there with his back turned to me. He wore a stained brown tattered ... well what looked to be burlap robe. The robe had a hood, the hood was down. His head was bald, shiny. He was dark skinned, like what ancient Egyptians are depicted as looking like, kind of Middle Eastern, you know? He turned, relatively slowly but not in a dramatic way or anything... just turned like he noticed I was there, looked at me, and I woke up, on the floor, back in my bedroom with Allison. When I did that, hung myself, I was ... not in a good space... (obviously lol...) I was raging, crying, ready to check out. Mostly just sad and tired. When I woke up... I was exuberant, elated. I knew, that I had just seen evidence of something.. "else." There was no question in my mind. I was doing my best to console Allison... she wasn't in a good space either... (also obviously after having just witnessed that...) I can't really explain how it was to wake up after seeing that... it was the strangest thing I've ever experienced, bar none. (with maybe the exception of a nightmare I had once.)That lack of energy is an unfortunate part of this predicament we find ourselves in. It's definitely a hurdle. But, you keep trying, getting back up after you fall down. You'll succeed. I have faith.
Yeah. That hits home pretty hard. That's a part of the reason, I think, that I am where I'm at right now. My family used to have get togethers, we used to camp every fourth of july, clams and lobster. Man I miss that shit. Out canoeing on the lake by myself. Fishing. Finding cool rocks. The campfires at night. Just sitting there staring into the fire. That's gone now. My family is fractured. Dads gone, Uncle Raymond's gone. All of my grandparents are gone. Yeah, time is rough. I never would have thought that bond would be broken. Shows what I know, right?
Honestly, I hope they just let me rest. For a while. Forever. No more life. Peace for a while. Need a recharge. Battery depleted.
I don't think it's rude at all. I think it's a nice sentiment. But I also think I'd stick my tongue out at him and go "Neener neener!"
But you keep getting back up. It's the ticket. The key. It's hard sometimes, but you still do it. I think that matters more than anyone knows, more than some meme or some random guy telling you it does.I keep slipping back into the habit and causing myself more pain
Yes it definitely does lol. I had my shit together for a while. Every three days. Everything was ok, finally... now I'm just passed around from douchebag to douchebag. Eh. That's life I guess for some people.
I don't even know how to respond to this, but I wanted to, so here goes. YES. (Hehe...)
I tried doing that with Roxies. It seemed to work at first but the longer I went the sicker I got. I had to revert back to whatever I could find. I tried going to opanas, but no one I know can find them anymore for any affordable price. $150+ dollars for a single 40 mg pill. Can't do that.
Ah yeah weeds a cakewalk. Well it was for me I'm not trying to belittle anyone's struggles. I'm just trying to be positive. When you leave the other stuff behind, I think you'll agree leaving weed behind is kind of an afterthought. I hope so anyway.It's gonna be the minor priority in getting clean, as in the next step after quitting opioids...
Ah... well shit... I hope it wasn't anything I said. I don't have much of a filter I don't think. But I don't try to hurt anyone. I'm just... face first into the wind... full speed, say what I think. Be myself.It's happening just now...
And that is the part that matters the most. The key to the door.
I don't know exactly what else to say, other than YES. It will pass. You have to kind of help it along though, if you can. And if you can't that doesn't mean it won't pass. Not at all implying that. I know from personal experience, that it is a drag trying to crawl out of bed and find meaning in a gray landscape full of ash. But it will help those feelings to pass, as long as you get back up and keep trying. And rest when you need to as well, I'm not telling you to go out there and run marathons or anything. Unless of course that's your thing, then more power to ya.
What is the situation you're in?( If you like to share that..).though our situations are different, i can completely relate to everything you’ve said throughout this thread. i’ve had very similar thoughts and feelings
i hope you’re able to find something that resembles peace and comfort.. asap
thinking of you
...
Hey maybe you've found a new calling? Chemistry is really the study of the universe in a very real sense. Everything is made of chemicals. I've always been interested in it, I wish I were smart enough understand more of it lol.
Yes sleep was the worst ,I had to get a script of Ambien.
Man it's literal torture. I hate it. Get some decent fever dreams off it when I can actually accomplish sleep though, which is cool. Terrifying at times... but I'm a weirdo.
Wow - and no you didn't tell that before. I think it's an amazing experience... Never had a NDE myself, just some sort of visions, dreams, however you may call it... Understood some things about me from them... But what you have seen is something else. Some parts are matching with some of the descriptions of the dying process in Buddhist literature - and some phantasy novelsOh I'm definitely scared. I uh... I don't know if I've said this or not, but I hung myself once when I was in my early twenties. Over my ex. Bad times. I just wanted her to know I loved her and we were arguing all the time, she was cheating on me constantly. It wasn't fun. So that night, I just couldn't think of any other way to show her that I loved her than to give up the one thing I could truly call my own, at least as I saw it. While I was out, I ... saw things. And if I have any sense about me at all, this wasn't a dream. Wasn't synapses firing in my brain, chemicals etc. It was more real than any moment I've had here on Earth. It lasted for what seemed like maybe 5 seconds. I was in darkness at first. Like the stage where you're asleep and not dreaming. You have a sort of dim sense of self awareness, you know? You're not able to think or sense the self actively, but when you awaken from that part of sleep you know you existed and can sort of remember time passing. I don't know if that makes any sense but it seems like a normal part of sleep and unconsciousness to me, so I hope you at least get an idea of what I'm talking about.
I will never forget that experience. I have had my doubts since, about the synapses firing, brain dying, etc. But I can't shake the feeling that it wasn't that. I know a lot of people have NDE's to share. This was just... something I had been begging the universe for since I was little. A sign, something to hold onto. Anyway, I hope you don't think differently of me after that. I wasn't an abusive person toward Allison. Never hit her or anything. We had our quarrels, and ... man that period of my life was rough. Hard. I never want to experience anything like that ever again, the relationship shit.
. Anyway I could imagine that scene you described very clearly - it's a true gift so thank you for sharing!! I see... That's also where you connected to nature... This kind of rituals, that we enjoyed as kids .. are what our parents came up with.. not necessarily for our sake. But it's what was established by them and we benefitted from that. It's a structure we could lean on for a while.. helping us to see a larger frame of life, beyond the ordinary...
I don't know what I would be without my parents. They're both old now and I see them only every few weeks, but they're still helping me with crucial issues... My sister left the country...
May you get that rest.. possibly even within this life..
Lmao
Strange... Maybe some fake ones with sth else in them?
Dw. It was nothing you said - I'm faster at relapsing than reading
Nothing you wrote made me think badly of you. And I just hope you can find sleep and rest, with whatever recipe or prescription it may take.. See you there fr!
My situation… hmm… ready for a rant? lolHey, thank you!!
What is the situation you're in?( If you like to share that..).
I decided to taper off the Tramadol only for now. I'm scared of the paws and I still want to get high, so first the SNRI goes out - with that I'm strictly according to plan btw. But thr rest... I'm not limiting more than before
Tapering is really a science of it's own
There are so many things to consider:... For example not to push the time to the next dose, (like I did today), fall into a hole and then take hours and something else to come out
I never took care of balancing my emotions, I just wanted to get high and then go to work sober - which I really did until recently when I just fell asleep at work (and not just once);... I could cover it up with caffeine for a while, but was going through WD every day... And it just didn't work anymore...
Today I was watching myself sit quietly and then work like a robot when properly dosed, while being useless and out of control emotionally - or just getting knocked out if not...
I'm feeling like some sort of chemistry scientist in charge of finding the recipe for making this human experiment work best: reduce something here, then add something there... All at the right time ofc -And with a different target all together (emotional stability)...
It's a shift of focus that's a bit difficult to apply for me...
Ok. Done ranting - and my eyes keep closing, too
Thanks a lot for caring
). He was so sweet. He had no idea who I really was and the monsters I had inside me. He just wanted to help.