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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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How's it going at work simco?

I apologize I haven't been able to get myself to connect with you on the phone. Between the semester winding up and general life stuff I've been feeling rather overwhelmed I think, but I'm trying to manage things as best I can. You know how it can be.

Do you have any plans for the holidays?

I think I'm actually going to enjoy my thanksgiving for the first time in a long time this year, so I'm looking forward to that. The Christmas holiday remains to be really figured out, but I've hopes it will likewise go well this year. The holidays are always tough though, dealing with family and such.
 
toothpastedog said:
How's it going at work simco?

I apologize I haven't been able to get myself to connect with you on the phone. Between the semester winding up and general life stuff I've been feeling rather overwhelmed I think, but I'm trying to manage things as best I can. You know how it can be.

Do you have any plans for the holidays?

I think I'm actually going to enjoy my thanksgiving for the first time in a long time this year, so I'm looking forward to that. The Christmas holiday remains to be really figured out, but I've hopes it will likewise go well this year. The holidays are always tough though, dealing with family and such.
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Things are a mixed bag. Objectively, work is fine...but I'm still making myself dizzy with old issues related to depression PTSD, etc. Blurgh. I'm just tired of myself.

In terms of holidays, I'm supposed to drive to visit my best friend in his new town/house. Definitely want to do the trip, but one of the psych things I'm dealing is agoraphobia. My wife is really urging me to go, so I probably will. But it's hard for me to picture making the trip.

xmas, my wife is going to visit her mom on the East Coast while I hang out at home with the dog (and work). This is kind of a big deal to me because it will be the first time my wife has left me alone for such a long time since she found out how bad my drug use was and how much I had lied about it (over a year ago)...I'm really happy she trusts me enough to make this arrangement. Gonna try super hard not to fuck it up (last two times she visited her mom, she had to make an emergency return b/c someone in my family--first time my mom, second time me--wound up in the psych ward).

Don't sweat it about calling. I totally understand how it goes...it'll happen when it happens. :D
 
tired of crap said:
Yes, Im all for these new psychedelic therapies for the treatment of ptsd, anxiety and depression. I should really delve further into better understanding them. I used to read endlessly on the subject but havent in years - but i still remain passionate about psychedelics.

Have you read into other psychedelics as a treatment to depression?

Personally psychedelics have provided me with the light necessary to better understand the reasons behind not only my depression but many of actions as well, including my addiction. However, this understanding alone is not enough to elicit change for me. I find the key to sustainable change is to integrate this learning into daily life - which is the greatest challenge.

I continue to use them about once a month, give or take, as a refresher of sorts. (Unless you count marijuana - which i use a few times a week. But i dont find smoking very effective in providing the "psychedelic" experience - but edibles are a different story imo and when available i use them in between my seretonergic psychedelic use).

However, as with all drugs, psychedelics present their own risks and rewards. As always id recommend proper research before use.

Hope all is well this week sim
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I've experimented a bit with other psychedelics for depression and addiction-related stuff. But since I take a lot of SSRIs, most of those things are out of reach for me.

As I understand it (which is limited), ketamine's putative value for treating depression stems less from its hallucinogenic mechanisms than from its strength as an NMDA antagonist. I'm not sure if other psychedelics have that property.

Interesting what you said about edibles...maybe I'll give that a try. Honestly, outside of SSRIs and benzos, cannabis is the substance that puts me most at ease.

Peace. Sim
 
Im not entirely sure about interactions between ssris and psychedelics but i understand they deminish the effects of most and are dangerous to combine woth others - though exactly which i can no longer recall.

I also cant recall the mechanism of action for most psychedelics (and i used to be so well versed on all this fun). My understanding is most disassociates affect on NMDA but again not certain -TPD and i spoke of this once before maybe he can chime in. However Im fairly certain ssri's are not to be combined dxm.

As far as edibles are concerned ... Not sure if you have access to them but they are quite easy to make. Search for a "qwet" if your interested.
 
tired of crap said:
Im not entirely sure about interactions between ssris and psychedelics but i understand they deminish the effects of most and are dangerous to combine woth others - though exactly which i can no longer recall.

I also cant recall the mechanism of action for most psychedelics (and i used to be so well versed on all this fun). My understanding is most disassociates affect on NMDA but again not certain -TPD and i spoke of this once before maybe he can chime in. However Im fairly certain ssri's are not to be combined dxm.

As far as edibles are concerned ... Not sure if you have access to them but they are quite easy to make. Search for a "qwet" if your interested.
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Thanks for the advice on the edibles. I recently moved to a state with a medical MJ program and so, for the first time in my life I actually have legal access to cannabis. But so far I've simply stuck with flowers.

For me, SSRIs completely shut down the ability to use LSD and/or psilocybin. The only time I really experimented with it, I had to abstain from my meds for about four weeks before I could trip. And with my mood being really low these days, I'm not inclined to monkey around with my meds. Luckily, ketamine and SSRIs seem to get along just fine.

PS...I'm still going to google 'qwet' ;)
 
I hope to have access to legal marijuana soon... Apparently next july ... But ill believe it when i see it... However it likely wont change much, with all the taxes ive read they want to tack on i seriously doubt itll be cheaper than the black market

Performing a qwet is kinda pricey but i enjoy the process ha

Ya I wouldnt quit the meds if theyre working for something that may work - wouldnt make sense to risk it. Hopefully the ketamine infusions will provide the relief youre after.
 
I went to my first appointment with a new therapist this week. Didn't know her from Adam...just got her info from the interwebz. Hard to tell if she'll work out, but the initial appt was cathartic if nothing else. Fuck, I really opened the floodgates, emotion-wise. Didn't realize quite how much I had bottled up.
 
I'm new around here. Been creeping for about a month but decided to register and get some advice. Simco happened to be the person who responded and I followed his trail here. I just read through all 26 pages of this thread. What a roller coaster. You are an inspiration. Thank you for documenting your journey. This community is amazing. Everyone is supportive. The world would be a much better place if people treated eachother the way people are treated here. Honored to be part of a great thread. Congrats, stay strong and thank you for your advice earlier.
 
Things have been getting strained and uncomfortable between me and my wife for quite a while...then last night she started talking about it. She's exhausted by me. I'm high-maintenance. She doesn't feel our chemistry any more. She's afraid to be honest with me because I'm too fragile.

She didn't say she wants a divorce yet. But I don't want to play those roles. If she really feels these things, it's time for both of us to move on.

My heart is breaking. Though I understand her feelings. I feel the same way and wouldn't want to be married to me either.
 
Thats heavy stuff sim <3

Relationships ebb and flow though. Dont throw in the towel prematurely.

Seems she was honest with you last night, so thats good.

Perhaps you could do a little something sweet for her to remind her theres still chemistry.
 
grr...just wrote a response to your nice post, TOC but the quoting got messed up.

But thanks for your kind message. I really appreciate it.
 
How are things working out with your new therapist, sim?

Sorry to hear about your situation with your wife. I wish I had advice to offer, but I'm probably single for a reason... Hopefully things will work out for the best, whichever way that goes. I'm trying to get back into the dating scene but it's pretty nerve racking for me. I tend to be emotionally distant but will really latch on to people I feel that I can trust. I fall for girls really hard, and usually very quickly if I like them. I'm probably pretty delicate myself when it comes to intimate relationships. It was much easier to just have "friends with benefits", but I've really been desiring a deeper, authentic connection.
 
Thanks for asking about my new therapist, Mafioso. I really liked her during/after our initial appointment. And I have another appointment with her after work today. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm not sure where things are headed for me and my wife. She had to work last night, so we didn't see each other much yesterday. Everything was civil, but also a bit awkward. This morning we talked very briefly about the issues she raised. I could tell that she's sorry to have made me feel bad. And I know she didn't say that stuff to be cruel...you can't be too pissed about someone being honest. But at the same time, you can't un-say things. I feel like it would be hard (and probably a bad idea) to put this genie back in the bottle.
 
Sim-

You are an amazing person and an inspiration to all of us. You mean alot to our BL family.

I know I've told you this, but this thread was the first thing I read upon coming to BL when I began screwing up over a year ago. It was such a comfort to me that day. As it continues to be to this day.

Your openness and honesty shows your true colors and strength. I have nothing but gratitude and respect for you. This thread has helped me during some bad nights and days. You encourage and give continued support to me as I stumble forward, feel trapped and fear I may not be able to ever completely stop. That means alot to me. I am not receiving any support IRL. I wanted you to know how grateful I am to have you as mt friend.

I too am going through some serious marital stress. Marriage is an up and dien journey that on its own tests limits. Add drug issues and mental health concerns and Whoah! It can feel overwhelming. Because it actually is lol

You've been through alot in the past year - steadfastly working through and towards your recovery. Battling cravings and all thr rest that goes with
 
It. I accidentally posted before I was ready lol.

Sim, I don't think there is any long-term marriage that isn't tested and pushed to it's limit.

It is heartbreaking sometimes. I feel at a crossroads in my marriage.

Try to take a deep breath (or 2. Or 3. ) and take it a little at a time. It sounds like you've both been through alot and are feeling it. Normal and expected.

We're here for you. Hang in there and don't go too far ahead right now. <3 ;)
 
Thanks, 10years! Your post means the world to me. And I'm sure you're right about all marriages sometimes bumping up against the edges of what we can deal with. Still not sure where things stand, but my wife and I had a good talk last night. We're both trying to be honest but not say anything (yet) that will burn bridges. To my surprise, she says she wants to try to work things out.

I'm so glad to have you as my friend, too, 10years. I think we're cut from the same awesome-but-maybe-too-awesome cloth. Be good to yourself. <3
 
On Saturday evening my wife asked me for a divorce. So we're starting the process of separating. I don't blame her. In fact, I think she made the right call. Nevertheless, divorce is just irreducibly sad. At least we don't have kids...plenty of other things to feel bad about, but thankfully that's not one of them.
 
Thanks, TOC. I'm holding up ok...I get really bummed out/overwhelmed/panicky off and on. But for the most part I feel OK. I suspect that as our actual move-out dates get closer, things will get more intense. Mainly, I'm trying to keep my mind on concrete, relatively short-terms goals (when am I going to stop working? How am I going to move my stuff out of the house? etc.)

Possibly the most unsettling issue so far has simply been how fast all this happened. Two weeks ago, everything *seemed* like it was going fine. About a week and a half ago, my wife started making strange comments that gave me an unambiguous sense that she is/was unhappy. A week ago she brought up the *possibility* of a separation. And then on Saturday after Thanksgiving, we put all our cards on the table. So my head is kinda spinning.
 
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