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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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I just had a small win. I won't go into details, but I had set in motion a situation that was very likely to wind up with me using. I was very excited about it initially. But overnight, it ate at me and nagged at my conscience. I realized that a surprisingly big part of me really didn't want to lapse. So I called it off (and in doing so, burned an old bridge, so the situation is unlikely to re-surface).

I'm pleased that I made the call to kill the plan. I'm sure I'll also feel regret about it at some point. All in all, though, I wound up feeling surprised. I didn't actually know there was a part of me that is so invested in sticking with my recovery.

It's an odd situation to be in...wanting so badly to use but, when it *really* came down to scoring/using, I couldn't do it. Annoying, since I'm sure I'll be back to craving and climbing the walls very soon.
 
A small win? Come on sim, give yourself more credit! Thats awesome in my books!

Although you may be back to craving soon it would have been much worse after using.

Just wondering what sort of tools you use to help with cravings during these tough times?
 
tired of crap said:
A small win? Come on sim, give yourself more credit! Thats awesome in my books!
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Yeah dude, for sure! :D

I made the choice to delete someone's number from my phone a while back, and it took all the strength I had just to press that tiny little button. I actually froze in fear for a moment!
 
Thanks TOC...you're right, it was a nice outcome. I'm still pissed at myself for letting it get as dicey as it got. But I am super glad I tapped the brakes.

As for handling the cravings, when they get really bad, as they have been recently, I have two basic strategies.

First, I try to distract myself, trying to take the mental energy away from the cravings. Talking to friends helps in this regard, as do things like video games, movies, going for walks. Anything to help me get outside of my own head.

Second, I try to think very concretely about what is good about my life. "Playing the tape through" has never really worked for me. But if I can remain mindful about what is good about my life today, right now, I can sometimes gain motivation to act in a way that supports getting better and staying well. These tend to be small, concrete things like realizing that I've got a nice dinner scheduled with my wife that I want to be "present" for, as opposed to checking out and lying.

I also tend to smoke a lot of weed during spells of bad cravings. It doesn't fix the situation. But its very helpful for me in terms of robbing the cravings of some of their sway over me.
 
I understand why youd be upset about it getting to that point. My advice would be to focus on the positive - you successfully avoided using after setting everything up.

Im not entirely sure what playing the tape through means, im assuming seeing what using would lead to? If so, it doesnt work for me either.

I like the focusing on the positive! For me though that doesnt really work. All i can see is the craving in that moment. And distracting with tv, video games (mind i havent had a system since separating from the old lady last summer) and even weed isnt always successful. Though if i smoke it will usually allow me a different, perspective - so long as i havent been a chronic of late. Again all i can focus on is the craving.

Personally about the only thing that helps with cravings is being prepared. By this i mean having kept up with my healthful routine.

Being comfortable physically, not full of excess energy (via exercise) and full of healthful food (as i make terrible choices hungry) lead to a significant decrease of cravings.

When these cravings inevitably arise being recently practiced with mindfulness meditation allows me a greater recognition, understanding and acceptance of these feelings.

Its nice to learn how other people cope with these feelings. Just remember these feelings will pass eventually (though that was never something i wanted to hear, i find myself saying it now :-S haha)
 
Sorry I have been MIA around bluelight...my job is getting interesting but it's really cutting into my interwebz time ;).

I don't want to jinx things, but my cravings and fantasies about using seem to be calming down. I'm starting to think that my head was such a jumble mostly because of my upcoming anniversary. It's hard to explain, but something about that date was making me feel tons of pressure and like I was really exposed, set up for an enormous face plant. Once I started recognizing that, I've had a bit more success guiding my thoughts to other topics, stepping on the obsessing and ruminating.

There's a lesson in all this about how I relate to my 'clean time.' I've always known hypothetically that too much emphasis on clean time can set a person up for trouble. Now it's a little less hypothetical.
 
Im glad things are calming down for you in regards to your cravings. Yet picking up at your job. I wonder if they're linked?

simco said:
Once I started recognizing that.... I've always known hypothetically that too much emphasis on clean time can set a person up for trouble....
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Both these points really stand out for me. Recognition and understanding of my thoughts and feelings, something which previously seemed so foreign to me is becoming increasingly important, not only in my recovery but in everyday life.

And this emphasis on clean time was the first thing I noticed when I started posting in this subform. I understand its importance but to be so hyper vigilant about it seems counter productive to me. I understand why its important but to me mindset > time spent.
 
I will give you some awakenings about meetings that may or may not help your situation Simco. These awakenings apply to life across the board. When I first got to recovery I was walking in to every situation sizing up the people around me. "What could these people do for me?" had been the prevailing thought throughout the first 36 years of my life. I walked in to meetings with the same mentality (not intentionally, but just from habituation). Indentification was what these people could do for me. I soaked up the identification and I no longer felt like I was the only one who had every opportunity in life and still figured out how to plant C-4 under each situation. I wasn't the only one who kept stepping on the same land mine over and over.

After some months around like-minded people I realized that I understood on a deep level that I belonged around these people and so the identification didn't give me the same hair standing on the neck buzz that it did in the beginning. At about 18 months I went to a meeting and felt very dis-eased. No one in the meeting shared anything I cared about. Nothing was there for "ME". I left and called one of my buddies and told him how bad the meeting sucked. He asked me, "what did you bring to the meeting?" I was at a loss. I hadn't opened my mouth. I hadn't attempted to talk to anyone who was new to give them a hope-shot. I hadn't even paid attention to anyone but me. I hadn't felt that way in a long time.

I had already done a great deal of work on myself through the steps. I had been sharing in meetings. I had been sticking around after to answer questions or just provide an empathetic ear. I was sponsoring several guys who were also experiencing growth that had eluded them in the decades prior. It was on that day that I truly understood that my pre-recovery life had been joyless, not because substances, or trauma, but more because of my entitled mindset. I realized that the joy I had been experiencing was closely correlated to losing that "what can they do for me" attitude. That attitude had been replaced by a, "how can WE help someone who is dying for it?"

If you are still going to meetings expecting to hear something that will save your life, you will likely suffer and will cease going. If you are going looking for that one person who suffers like you once did you may find the magic again. Only you can determine what is deep within. I won't believe a word you say until I convince myself of it. Enough rambling...
 
simco said:
Sorry I have been MIA around bluelight...my job is getting interesting but it's really cutting into my interwebz time ;).

I don't want to jinx things, but my cravings and fantasies about using seem to be calming down. I'm starting to think that my head was such a jumble mostly because of my upcoming anniversary. It's hard to explain, but something about that date was making me feel tons of pressure and like I was really exposed, set up for an enormous face plant. Once I started recognizing that, I've had a bit more success guiding my thoughts to other topics, stepping on the obsessing and ruminating.

There's a lesson in all this about how I relate to my 'clean time.' I've always known hypothetically that too much emphasis on clean time can set a person up for trouble. Now it's a little less hypothetical.
Click to expand...

That’s great to hear simco. Keep doing what you’re doing :) it’s great to have stuff IRL to get passionate about. Your job sounds pretty stellar all things considered. I hope it keep up <3
 
Thanks for the encouragement, all.

The job is indeed pretty cool. But it's also the case that being back at work full time (for the first time in over 2 years) has flustered me and I've been having trouble figuring out how my life is going to run now. That all made me susceptible to all this voodoo about my clean date.

I've always had a really hard time maintaining a healthy relationship to work. Lots of unresolved family issues seem to rear their heads when this topic comes up. I really hope I find a good balance...for over 15 years of my adult life, I did pretty well with work. I started using drugs compulsively when work turned sour for me. From there, everything just got worse.

This afternoon, I'm feeling like the storm of these recent impulses is passing. Feels pretty good.
 
Not sure why but this quote came to mind from a translation of the tibetan book of the dead I read eons ago

"realize past awareness as trackless, clear and void,
future awareness as unproduced and new, and,
present awareness as staying neutral and uncontrived"

Keep fighting the good fight sim.
I have faith youll achieve the balance your looking for.
 
tired of crap said:
Not sure why but this quote came to mind from a translation of the tibetan book of the dead I read eons ago

"realize past awareness as trackless, clear and void,
future awareness as unproduced and new, and,
present awareness as staying neutral and uncontrived"

Keep fighting the good fight sim.
I have faith youll achieve the balance your looking for.
Click to expand...

That's a lovely passage. Thanks for sharing it.
 
Today makes one year since I quit using heroin. My life is barely recognizeable from what it was like back then. Some of the differences are good, some are frustrating. But I'm glad each of them happened.

I couldn't have reached this point without the Bluelight community, especially my SL friends. Love to you all. <3
 
You rock Sim! A year clean, even after a very deep struggle, a very well thought out plan for scoring (way to go both canceling those plans AND burning a bridge you don't want to cross), a new job, a 'birthday', an awakening! You made it to a date that obviously was a struggle, you fought hard, deep in the trenches of your mind, and came out the victor! You are truly amazing!!

It sounds like you are fighting this fight pretty close to on your own, at least physically. I know that you are a very adept proponent of taking what you need from NA, and leaving the rest, which I think is awesome. It takes a lot of strength not to end up sucked into the life style that is promoted in NA. But I wanted to ask if you have a support system in your new town? Do you have people there that will show up if you need them? Tell you the truth when you need to hear it? I hope so. These types of people will help you on your bad days. Will hold your hand while you walk the trenches of your mind, and pull you out when you get to deep.

Back when you were thinking a lot about your time in the hospital, you sounded much more hopeful. Was it the focus on your lowest point, and where you are now?

Faith, love, hope- grsh
 
^^
Honestly, my emotions and outlook have been all over the place for quite a while now. For instance, suddenly this week I've felt pretty good, whereas last week I was despondent. And, at least outwardly, there's nothing much that's changed between then and now.

I really do feel like that anniversary messed with my head. It ended up being really stressful, especially as the anniversary itself got closer and closer. Since the anniversary came and went, a lot of the negative feelings have gone too. Over the weekend, I talked to a guy from NA who has been clean for many years. He said that he considers his clean date to be a big challenge every year, something he has to take time and effort to deal with. I thought that was interesting.
 
Im curious as to why our anniversaries elicit such feelings. i wonder if its because we choose to remember the good times had, and not all the negatives .. or perhaps just because suddenly were thinking about drugs/a time when we used, when normally we would try to avoid such thoughts :-S
 
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