• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

Status
Not open for further replies.
Seperation (we were never married but living together for 10 years) was quite the learning experience for me. I was never very good at understanding and dealing with my emotions; given my upbringing as well as my escapist behaviour for most of our relationship, and seperating stirred up a lot of emotions I hadnt expected, given I was the one who initiated the split.

... I found I was was often spinning in a similar manner as you described (not to suggest youre the same tho). Unfortunately I turned away from meditation and healthy activities at that tine, which only perpetuated the matter (and my escapism).

Do you have an outlet or plan to help you with your emotions as they arise throughout?

I like your focus on goals. Being prepared should help to alleviate some of the uncertainty.
 
You're definitely up for a challenge if anyone ever was simco, but this still sounds entirely difficult. "head spinning" sounded spot on. Probably one of those situations where not acting impulsively on feelings right now is probably a good plan of action.

<3 Hope you keep on hanging in there my friend. And that you're able to continue getting through this (it could be a blessing or a curse this happening just prior to the winter holidays) and eventually come to a point where its less of a shock and more of something seen as an opportunity. I'd probably be stuck on the shittier aspects of this for a few weeks after it coming to light though... very difficult stuff.

I definitely support you flying out to Santa Cruz and visiting herbs this winter. She's so great for added perspective/care :)
 
Thanks, guys. Things are inching forward. I think I'm going to be leaving our house on Dec 13. Feeling *really* eager to get out of here...but I do have a shit-ton of stuff to pack.

Emotionally, I've been doing OK. The negative feelings come in waves, and when they do, it really sucks. But a lot of the time I feel fine. I suspect that as my move-out date gets closer, it will become a little more intense.

But I'm hanging in there. <3
 
I'm sending you hugs, sim. I just can't imagine how hard this all is--the speed with which it has taken off, the time in your life, the time of year--all of it!:(

It is good that you have noticed how the sadness and other difficult emotions come in waves. That will help you stay strong. Call me when you can.<3
 
Packing up my shit. This morning was heartbreaking...one of those times when the surreal aspect to the divorce/separation gives way and for a few moments it's all very plain and harsh.

But now I'm on my own until afternoon and I fucking *need* to get stuff done.
 
Hang on, man. Find something to chase that will reward you. Passion is always rewarded. Do something, make it clear to yourself you will not go back. Do you work? Play instruments?

Luck & Love,
Rambli
 
innameoflifeenjoy said:
Hang on, man. Find something to chase that will reward you. Passion is always rewarded. Do something, make it clear to yourself you will not go back. Do you work? Play instruments?

Luck & Love,
Rambli
Click to expand...

I used to have a career that I was really invested in. I hope to get some of that passion back. And yes, I do play instruments and make music. Very good advice to take advantage of these passions.

Thanks a bunch! <3
 
Oh Sim.... sorry to read your recent posts. It is difficult to know what to write... so much gets lost in translation. I remember my therapist telling me during my divorce, "the only way out is through"... and for some reason I found that infuriating at the time. Now, as I look back, I found that to be true, not only of divorce, but going through withdrawal, etc.
Please know as your BL sister, I am here in spirit for you.
 
Id have to agree with poke, "the only way out is through". And i think its great that youre able to recognize the difficult times, as recognition is the first step to understanding and acceptance.

I feel like if youre able to continue to be aware throughout this youll be able to learn quite a lot from this difficult experience.

Thinking of you sim <3
 
TRIGGERING LANGUAGE WARNING...

Yesterday was weird.

It started the previous day...I was picking up some stuff at the drug store when I ran into a guy who offered to sell me heroin. After a long and very typically drawn-out purchase, for the first time in over a year I had a bag in my hand. I was on autopilot, but at the same time felt very upset with myself (but not upset enough to stop). Weirdly, after the buy, I went home and went to bed as usual.

But I woke up at 4:00 thinking about that bag. As soon as I was alone, I started in on it. I was sitting in an empty room (one I had already packed up), chasing off foil. Super fucking bleak.

Anyhow, I ended up doing about 1/4g all told.

But it was totally joyless. I felt like I was disrespecting my body. I felt bored, like I just wanted the whole thing to end. In the end, I just tossed the rest. I never even got very high...I think it was really bad gear. It was just a total bummer all around.

I wish I hadn't fallen down like that. And things could certainly have gone way worse. But part of me is glad to learn that dope doesn't seem to give me what I used to get from it anymore. It's like the title of the old Thomas Wolfe book--you can't go home again. For months I had been thinking that if I could just get my hands on some, all this adversity would be more manageable. Now I can say confidently that this thinking was incorrect at this point. Like others have said on this thread, it seems that at this point the only way forward is through.

Thanks again to everyone for your kind wishes, and especially to TPD for helping me pick myself up yesterday. <3
 
simco said:
I wish I hadn't fallen down like that.
Click to expand...

Im reminded of a quote from Batman Begins:
"..why do we fall...? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up"

Im glad that you were able to pick yourself up so quickly. And learn something too.

Often I learn more from my mistakes than my successes..

Much love sim <3
 
Thanks man. It wasn’t my best moment.
Of course as I was packing this morning (moving has always been an emotional trigger for me) I considered calling that guy to get more. Crazy how our brains work when we feel low.

I am so happy to have my BL friends pulling for me. It means the world. <3
 
Well said toc :) this is what recovery is all about. In a word, resiliency.

Everything considered simco, it’s pretty anazing how well you’ve handled a very difficult situation with this. I’m glad to see you’ve still got it ;) <3

The most difficult thing about avoiding drug use in high stress situations is just how conditioned we can get in terms of self medication. Do you have any strategies for avoiding getting so uncomfortable using feels like a good idea again simco?
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I’m leaving town tomorrow to go live with friends and/or family. This has been an incredibly shitty week.
A good friend of mine on BL suggested to me that it was making her nervous how normal I was acting, given the divorce etc. so I thought I’d try to be a little more open.
This split up is incredibly hard on me. My marriage, my relationship was one of the few things I’ve been really proud of, and I can’t believe I’m the cause (or at least the names cause) of the rift.
I’m having a hard, hard time giving much of a fuck about anything. And so of course, that one taste of H I did a few days ago blew into a pretty hard, if short run. It was bleak and depressing and I did it anyway.
I’m so fucking glad to hit the road tomorrow. I feel like I’ve got a good shot at pulling out of this relapse if I can grab hard onto recovery stuff when I get home.
I should be back in BL within 3-4 days.
 
Just wanted to pop in and let you know I'm thinking of you simco. You are very much alive in my practice right now. Metta can travel great distances, and I hope some of it arrives at your proverbial doorstep during your travels.

This sounds like it's been a horrible, traumatic experience. But it is what it is. And it will be what you make of it. You know this. On the flip side, this sounds like an amazing opportunity to reinvent yourself. Not saying it'll be easy - it sounds like it will include a lot of challenges starting over (again, after having recently relocated I mean) - but I know you're capable of outstanding things.

Just please try and stay kind and be gentle with yourself as you go through this difficult period. I imagine some morning of the relationship would be healthy, so please don't be hard on yourself about this. It isn't as simple as "it's your fault." Relationships are far more nuanced than that.

Have you ever heard of Radical Acceptance by Tara Broch? Perfect book for you to read right now given you situation. Plus the Bay Area has an amazing secular mindfulness community (one of my all time favorite teachers, Matthew Brensilver, is located up there). Who knows, this move might end up being really good for your recovery.

Sending you a lot of love. Let's try and stay in touch if possible during your move. I always enjoy seeing I have a message from you. You couldn't disappoint me even if you tried :) <3
 
Sim-

Be brilliant. We are all standing with our arms wide open to catch you - and at the same time cheering you on.

I know this is a scary--and almost unbelievable. My thoughts: it's a good move at this time. Nothing is written in stone. Sometimes some breathing room helps to gain perspective. Being human isn't easy.

I would end up on TPDs doorstep. He can help you navigate. Somehow I picture him and I being your most demonstrative cheerleaders.

Please stay in touch. Im available 24/7. And I genuinely mean that. Im not just saying it. Godspeed. <3<3<3.
 
Hey sim
Hope your trek to friends was safe, physically and mentally.

Im reminded of a quote from a Mark Lawrence book

"Clarity of vision is a thing much prized. I find when you turn the clear light upon yourself - and see through to the truth behind your own actions - it might be better to be blind. "

Except I disagree. It may be difficult to see the truth and even harder to accept it but sometimes we get what we need. Not what we want.

And two more quotes, to ponder (forgive me, I have a thing for quotes and I keep a running tally of memorable ones):

This from the same book...
"We walk a narrow path, insanity on each side. A man without contradictions to balance him will soon veer off."
And
"Its only after weve lost everything that we can be anything"
From Fight Club

I too will keep you in my thoughts
Remember that you have a right to be happy and free,even during difficult times.

Much love <3
toc
 
Sim- Hope you had a safe trip.

Saint Jude retreat sent me the information portfolio. Absolutely amazing place (your kinda place TPD) However--its astronomically expensive.

I'm trying for the scholarship. I have to write an essay. I must be detoxed before going. They offer an IV detox.

First they fly you to AZ- for the 2wk IV detox. Then fly you to Albany NY. I really want this. I would be gone for 3mos. I need it. My marriage needs reevaluation. My thoughts are with you Sim. <3
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top