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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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tired of crap said:
Im curious as to why our anniversaries elicit such feelings. i wonder if its because we choose to remember the good times had, and not all the negatives .. or perhaps just because suddenly were thinking about drugs/a time when we used, when normally we would try to avoid such thoughts :-S
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It was a startling experience for me. I'd like to say that the anniversary introduced some kind of fear of failure that stressed me out; that kind of makes sense to me. But that's not what it felt like, at least not directly. It simply felt like being right back at square One...I wanted to use and I didn't give a fuck what the consequences were...except that part of me *did* care.

I think some of what went around my anniversary was due to my own tendency to dramatize things too much. It's a quality I am not proud of, but it's definitely something I do--tending to think of things in grander terms than they really merit. Suddenly this one day because My Clean Date, and I felt like I was fighting in some struggle against my Addictions, when in reality it was just another day, and I'm simply trying to find ways to live that make me less unhappy than I used to be. Once the stakes got so high (angel on one should, devil on the other), it's easy to feel overwhelmed. The seriousness of the struggle and the strength of the forces at work seem to overshadow what I can control. All in all, I think I let the drama get a little too bloody.
 
Congratulations Simco on your 1yr!!! I hope my recovery journal can help people in the future trying to navigate addiction and recovery like yours has. It is been very difficult for me but It took 20yrs of severe life dysfunction to get here so it's not going to fix itself over night so I know how hard it can be. You're an inspiration to a lot of people.
 
somnilicious said:
Congratulations Simco on your 1yr!!! I hope my recovery journal can help people in the future trying to navigate addiction and recovery like yours has. It is been very difficult for me but It took 20yrs of severe life dysfunction to get here so it's not going to fix itself over night so I know how hard it can be. You're an inspiration to a lot of people.
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Thank you, Somni <3

It makes me so happy to hear that the journal has helped you, and maybe others too. We all need help and love and camaraderie as we feel our way towards a better life. Let's all keep leaning on each other.
 
I went to an NA meeting last night. I've been feeling pretty adrift in my recovery, and I hoped it might feel good to seek out the familiarity of a meeting. It was kind of nice. But my agoraphobia has really been acting up and I had a hard time concentrating at the meeting.

Speaking of agoraphobia, I've now been at my job over a month and I'm starting to wonder if it's a good fit. It's stressing me the fuck out...I feel like I'm simply not getting the hang of things and that people are starting to notice. This is weird because in all my other jobs, I've always learned quickly and exceeded expectations. This time feels very different...I spend all day hoping nobody will notice how oblivious I am. I'm starting to feel like between the last few years' worth of depression and addiction I'm just not able to work very successfully. It all just makes me want to hide from the world in my house.
 
simco that really sounds like you are letting some fears color your perception of yourself, or at least that they are having a very adverse affect on an important aspect of your life: your work.

Is it the kind of work where you are expected to be completely self-directed? Do you have anyone there (particularly in a supervisor type role) that you trust enough to ask for feedback? Long into my teaching I was having a lot of trouble with classroom management and I started to get really paranoid about it. I decided that I would actually ask my boss to come in and observe me so that she could let me know what I was doing wrong. Once I got over my fear of being judged incompetent (which I was already doing to myself in my own head) I was free to actually take constructive criticism and put it to use. And the bonus was that my principle actually had more respect for me, not less, as my paranoid mind had been trying to convince me.
 
Some people believe that recovery or sobriety is the opposite of addiction. Just for today, I believe that CONNECTION may be the most appropriate opposite. At the risk of anthropomorphising addiction, it sounds to me as though you that is what you are battling. The only solution I have found is to just keep trudging forward. If I feel at peace about myself, it matters very little how others feel about me, and even less how I feel about how I think they feel about me. Sometimes when I am in that spot I have learned to just ask directly rather than create a story in my head.
 
herbavore said:
simco that really sounds like you are letting some fears color your perception of yourself, or at least that they are having a very adverse affect on an important aspect of your life: your work.

Is it the kind of work where you are expected to be completely self-directed? Do you have anyone there (particularly in a supervisor type role) that you trust enough to ask for feedback? Long into my teaching I was having a lot of trouble with classroom management and I started to get really paranoid about it. I decided that I would actually ask my boss to come in and observe me so that she could let me know what I was doing wrong. Once I got over my fear of being judged incompetent (which I was already doing to myself in my own head) I was free to actually take constructive criticism and put it to use. And the bonus was that my principle actually had more respect for me, not less, as my paranoid mind had been trying to convince me.
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Yes, it's likely that this has more to do with my own insecurities than it does with the job itself. I think I probably will talk to my supervisor about the issues in the near future. He's very nice, and I'm sure he'd handle it nicely...But it's also true that the position is inherently very autonomous, so the opportunities for guidance are limited.

FWIW, classroom management was my downfall as a teacher! It stressed me out all out of proportion.

jdfisse said:
Some people believe that recovery or sobriety is the opposite of addiction. Just for today, I believe that CONNECTION may be the most appropriate opposite. At the risk of anthropomorphising addiction, it sounds to me as though you that is what you are battling. The only solution I have found is to just keep trudging forward. If I feel at peace about myself, it matters very little how others feel about me, and even less how I feel about how I think they feel about me. Sometimes when I am in that spot I have learned to just ask directly rather than create a story in my head.
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This rings true. I see this job as an opportunity to gain some connections to other people, to dial back my tendency to isolate (which has been acting up recently). As I think about it, a perceived problem with my ability to do the job is a perfect pretext for keeping the job (and my chances of getting to know some people) at arms' length.

I really need to get my head on straight. Between second-guessing myself on the job, avoiding meetings and other social things due to agoraphobia, and being out of my fitness habits, I'm really setting myself up to be miserable.

Agoraphobia is such a weird feeling. Do others struggle with it?
 
A month is hardly enough time to master a real job but if your honestly seeing signs that it isn't going to work now is the time to start looking for something else. That's not failure it's just being smart
 
cj said:
A month is hardly enough time to master a real job but if your honestly seeing signs that it isn't going to work now is the time to start looking for something else. That's not failure it's just being smart
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I agree. I'm going to try to hang on for another month...I still hope things are going to get better, and I think that might still happen. And honestly, I have no idea what I'd do instead.

I think my biggest fear is that the last few years have been bad enough (with the drugs getting so out of hand and then my depression sliding into psychosis) that my ability to hold a job (to concentrate, prioritize, be a member of a 'team') may be failing. It feels like I'm carrying a giant fucking weight around all the time, and it's hard to concentrate on much else. I hope I'm wrong...this job is really good, and even though I feel super old, I've still got a lot of ostensible working years left.
 
Hope you're doing well dear friend. In line with TOC's request, hopefully you can check in with us sometimes and let us know how it's going. Love you so much brother. We really need to connect on the phone sometime soon. Perhaps I'll try and get in touch with you today or tomorrow.
 
Thanks, everyone. My radio silence is about half-due to being crazy busy at work and half-due to being sick of hearing myself talk/write.

I've decided to bite the bullet and try to find a psychotherapist here in town who I can work with. Most of my experiences in therapy haven't led to much. But it's definitely true that I've had a couple great therapeutic relationships, and I'm hoping maybe I can find someone along those lines.
 
Even though my initial round of ketamine therapy was kind of underwhelming (from a therapeutic standpoint!), I've decided to try another session. The more I think about it, the more I think that the ketamine therapy was not a failure so much as it was just different from what I imagined it would be like.

I've got my appointment tomorrow afternoon. Nervous about it...I find ket not awful, but also not a walk in the park. It's *so* disorienting and consuming.
 
See if you can't find someone who is trained in motivational interviewing and has a trauma informed practice. If you can find someone to do DBT that would be awesome, but those are hard to find and generally necessarily expensive. Motivational interviewing is the most effective modality IME when it comes to working with (former) drug users and those working on recovery.

I'm glad to hear you are continuing to push ahead and keep trying new things simco. It says a lot about the strength of your character. A lot of positive stuff :)
 
Im curious,what sparked your interest in ketamine therapy?

I used it for years, off and on, recreationally. But since moving here i havent made any connections - probably for the best, as I like it a little too much at times haha. I found the calm stillness it, or other disassociates, provide almost euphoric. I found this stillness would even last a day or two post use. So I really wasnt all that surprised when I read it was being used to treat depression.
 
It’s a fairly new approach to addressing depression for people who haven’t responded well to other treatments. Some people report fantastic improvements from ketamine, though I gotta say I haven’t found anything dramatic from it in terms of depression.

But it’s always an interesting experience. Personally I find ketamine fairly unpleasant—it’s always nihilistic and grim for me. But absolutely bonkers too.
 
Yes, Im all for these new psychedelic therapies for the treatment of ptsd, anxiety and depression. I should really delve further into better understanding them. I used to read endlessly on the subject but havent in years - but i still remain passionate about psychedelics.

Have you read into other psychedelics as a treatment to depression?

Personally psychedelics have provided me with the light necessary to better understand the reasons behind not only my depression but many of actions as well, including my addiction. However, this understanding alone is not enough to elicit change for me. I find the key to sustainable change is to integrate this learning into daily life - which is the greatest challenge.

I continue to use them about once a month, give or take, as a refresher of sorts. (Unless you count marijuana - which i use a few times a week. But i dont find smoking very effective in providing the "psychedelic" experience - but edibles are a different story imo and when available i use them in between my seretonergic psychedelic use).

However, as with all drugs, psychedelics present their own risks and rewards. As always id recommend proper research before use.

Hope all is well this week sim
 
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