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How Are You in One Word v. Somewhere Over the Rainbow

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Sepher, spork, herby, Dave and stardust thank you SO so much you guys <3 I love you.

I had a really good session with my therapist tonight so I'm feeling tonnes better :)
 
I am alternating between concern for where my life is taking me & driving my car into a telegraph pole. Ain't life grand?
 
^Oh yeah, I know that feeling Stevenski, I know it all too well of late. Dark times ahead, I can feel it. Doctors after work.

N3o, t'was nothing but the truth. Glad you're feeling better. :)
 
Sepher, hang tight there, friend. Does the insomnia have worrying at its root or is just a physical thing? Mine is menopausal but my husband's is even worse than mine.

@stevinski--no telephone poles. Hang in there and take baby steps to change course.<3
 
is there one word that equals cold+overtired+aching+stupid+flat?
hypothermicinsomniac-stuporsupinepain syndrome?

maybe will hang out on BL for 14 hours straight and hope for a wicked contact buzz
 
Vicious cycle I think Herb. Stress creates insomnia then cos I'm so tired all the time I become more and more sensitive to stress. Big spiral down, SAD kicking in bigtime too of late now it's so dark all the time. Been reading up on Delayed sleep phase disorder lately which fits and would explain a lot all my life I think. Seeing the doc to see if it's recognised as a valid disorder by the NHS and what treatment options there might be. Already know melatonin is not licenced here, looks like I'll be shelling out for a light box. And thanks! <3
 
Overwhelmed

I have so many decisions to make and I don't feel ready enough to make them. I feel like I've screwed up most of my life already and tha I'm just going to screw it up more. All I want is true happiness. I've been chasing that for as long as I can remember and I still haven't found it.
 
Sepher said:
Vicious cycle I think Herb. Stress creates insomnia then cos I'm so tired all the time I become more and more sensitive to stress. Big spiral down, SAD kicking in bigtime too of late now it's so dark all the time. Been reading up on Delayed sleep phase disorder lately which fits and would explain a lot all my life I think. Seeing the doc to see if it's recognised as a valid disorder by the NHS and what treatment options there might be. Already know melatonin is not licenced here, looks like I'll be shelling out for a light box. And thanks! <3
Click to expand...

Let me know how the light box works for you. Every year SAD affects me pretty badly and I've been toying with the idea of getting a light box to help for a bit now, I just hate that they're so expensive. :\

I hope you're able to get to the bottom of this and are feeling better. You have an amazing talent of making other people laugh and smile and deserve to be happy yourself. <3
 
Aw cheers Spork. You can't know how much I appreciate that! :) Thank you! <3

The light box is primarily to treat the sleep problem, SAD would be a bonus. Idea is you have it fade in in the morning I think to wake you naturally and help regulate the sleep pattern, melatonin levels and what not. Will let you know. Gotta keep a sleep diary for a coupla weeks, doc says she'll look at referring me to sleep clinic in the early New Year depending how it comes out. Looks like I need to find the money or build one myself on the cheap. Probably option two, I'm bloody skint! ;)

In other news, 6 months waiting list for CBT. Need it now.

*creates account on MoodGym*
 
*checks out moodgym*

My Word is Zen. I slept til noon
then woke up and did the dishes I've been putting off for what feels like weeks, got ready for work and here I am!
I love days like today
 
Hopeless.
Alone.
Terrified.
Misunderstood.
Ashamed. Oh so very ashamed.
Regretful.
Confused.
Suicidal.

:/ I want things to improve but I need some understanding from those closest to me. How does one talk about that which is never talked about?

I'm so ashamed. On so many levels. I couldn't even begin...

(I'm not in danger of my suicidal thoughts just venting them)

I need help. :(
 
MDPV_Psychosis said:
Hopeless.
Alone.
Terrified.
Misunderstood.
Ashamed. Oh so very ashamed.
Regretful.
Confused.
Suicidal.

:/ I want things to improve but I need some understanding from those closest to me. How does one talk about that which is never talked about?

I'm so ashamed. On so many levels. I couldn't even begin...

(I'm not in danger of my suicidal thoughts just venting them)

I need help. :(
Click to expand...

Start a thread here for some support. Do you have any options for support (therapy, rehab, friends, NA/AA whatever in real life?) Shame is a rabbit hole that you don't want to get lost in. Try to re-frame your thoughts to understandable mistakes and forgivable behavior and choices instead of heaping humiliation on an already stressed psyche. MDVP is a horrible drug once it has its hooks in you. What options do you have for help? Much love and support.<3
 
Sad.

I may have just alienated one of my best friends, in order to satisfy ethics. Is this what being an adult is like?
 
hope

The bought of PAWS I've had for the past few weeks seems to be taking tonight off, which is good. I was actually able to go out in public this evening and feel comfortable without having to be medicated, and I actually feel somewhat in the mood to do some of the things I like to do when thing are going well - working out, reading, watching film. My motivation levels have been so low the past few weeks, and the only thing I don't feel apathetic about is the idea of being plagued by apathy itself. I just hope that I can wake up early tomorrow without being too sick to go about my day and to be able to piece back together something of a stable and safe routine.
 
Stable.

The past week has been a living nightmare for me.
Will not go in to detail here, but I've missed you guys.
 
Lots of support from friends and family but I just can't seem to escape this lifelong whirlwind of self destruction. All the support in the world does me no good when I decide to take a step back in my recovery. Its like I've got two halves inside of me. One half wants to be sober and the other wants to find comfort in addiction. I cycle between the two almost as if its two different personalities.

I've got a solid 15 years of substance abuse. Most of those 15 years were spent using daily as a functioning addict. The drug of choice has changed throughout the years but its all addiction in the end.

I've tried all sorts of methods of recovering but in the end I cannot convince myself fully that I want to quit... even though I really do. Its so damn frustrating.

MDPV has been my enemy/partner now for the last few years. My last full day of sobriety was so long ago I cannot remember... atleast 9 months or so. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore cause the man staring back at me is such a damn fool. MDPV is playing so many tricks on my mind that I often don't know what to trust anymore and that honestly makes this a million times more difficult.

Bah. This isn't my thread but I needed to vent to someone somewhere.

I'm so tired of filling this dark painful void that lies deep inside of me with drugs but at the same time I know I'm not ready to commit to a full recovery. Still haven't figured out how to convince myself its time and I've been trying to do so now for 15 years. Damn. I'm so ashamed but I have to voice this.

Ill start my own thread once I've collected myself some. For now I just need to unload my thoughts to somebody other than myself.
 
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