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TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

Unfortunately there is a need to rekindle this thread...


I am relapsing. There are certain things going on in my life and I feel a complete lack of control on the situation. Me having the fucked-up brain that I have, I don't have any conventional coping mechanisms. All my coping mechanisms are self-destructive.
I can't cut myself anymore just, well, because I can't. Although I'm yearning to.
The only other way I can get a sense of control is to restrict my food intake.
I've hardly eaten anything for a few weeks. Each day I might have half a banana, or a few spoonfuls of yoghurt, and if I can get away without eating dinner I won't eat then.
And I'm beginning to over-exercise again.
The meds I'm on greatly reduce my appetite and my psych warned me that this would happen, and now that it IS happening I don't really care. As long as I don't start being bulimic again I don't care (which I don't think I will start doing again because it's fucking gross).
The weight's coming off rapidly now and it feels damn good to be thinner.
That is so fucked up.
I'm due to go back to my psych now, but I can't be bothered to make an appointment. This is exactly the same situation that happened last time I was seeing a psychiatrist a couple of years ago, where he left it up to me to call back and book another appointment after the Christmas holidays 8) So I stopped my sessions prematurely.

Not sure if I'm in a mood that is receptive to advice but if you have any please post it. I guess I just needed to rant.


How's everyone else going with their EDs??
 
Well, I've put on 5 kilos or so from the fracking holidays, but no serious binges to report, thank Buddha. Comparing how I am now to how I was last year-- life is good. I just have to get my ass back into the gym after this cold.

Am I happy with where I am though? Of course not. But such is life.

Oh, and comparing photos that you've provided of younger/skinny n3o vs. current n3o, I'd have to say current n3o >>>> younger n3o. I know that there's more to EDs than looks, but you don't need to lose any weight. And I'm sure that you don't need me to tell you that, but I will anyway. :)

I sympathize with the not caring aspect though. Last year I went through something similar, where I didn't care that I wasn't really eating at all. In the end I had to see a therapist to get past it, I wasn't making any progress on my own. Call your psychiatrist, and I don't know whether you get therapy from them as well or not, but if not go call a psychologist too. I've said this a lot, but for me at least therapy worked orders of magnitude better than pills ever did.

Plus, I doubt that it helps to say this, but if you had me to cook for you, you wouldn't be able to stop eating ;). I made a brilliant supper tonight: pan-roasted mushroom medley, garlic kale, grilled smoked tofu (so bloody delicious), asparagus and barley faux-risotto along with roasted asparagus. Paired with an okay inexpensive Shiraz (Fat Bastard-- I'm not usually into most French wines, but FB is pretty safe). Seriously. I should have taken a picture of my plate, it was that good. Mmmmmmmm. And enough leftovers to last half the week for lunches!

And the best part is that it was all healthy. Other than maybe 1/4 cup of parmigiano in the risotto (for a huge pot) it was also completely whole-food vegan too. No guilt, all delicious.

Good luck n3o, and feel free to send a PM if you need to vent or want to talk food :)
 
I had a major eating disorder from age 14. I started meth to drop weight, even though I was hardly big. At my lowest I was 39kg, I am 170cm tall. It was disgusting, I had to be hospitalized. Then after a few years, I started fainting etc. Then I realised I would die if I wasn't careful, so I started eating more, eventually stayed at around 48kg for a few years. But now.. I have quit meth for the post part. I am fucking PILING it on, and it is freaking me out. I want to stop eating again, all the old thoughts are rushing back to me. I want to die. I am so confused and scared. I am about 56kg now & although I look normal I am hysterical thinking I am a fat whale, I can't stop eating. I can't find a healthy balance. I feel depressed all the time as I am trying to quit meth so I eat to compensate, then feel worse. Deadly cycle. I need fucking serious help, I am so mentally unstable. I hate it, I haven't felt like this in YEARS. I am scared.
 
claire, without wanting to be too much of a hypocrite, you really need to get yourself to a psychologist. You need to sort out these issues because dealing with quitting meth is hard enough on its own without worrying about putting weight on too. If your ED fully comes back you're more likely to go back to using meth, then the cycle will start all over again.

Please call someone or talk to your GP and get a referral okay?? You've recognised that you need help, so get it :)

And you can always PM/msn me if you need to talk to someone okay? ? You know that I know what it's like.

Good luck sweetheart <3

Dave said:
Good luck n3o, and feel free to send a PM if you need to vent or want to talk food :)
Click to expand...

Thanks so much for your support Dave <3
Your cooking sounds delicious! If I wasn't in this frame of mind I would love the thought of eating it! :)
 
this sucks. i don't want this. if i get to big i will use again, i know it, and that will kill me. wtf do i do?! i cannot find a medium between eating a lot and not eating. plus when i do eat i want to cry. and when i do not i feel proud.
 
Darling girl, PLEASE reconsider going to see someone about this. You need help. Even if counsellors haven't helped you in the past, that isn't to say you won't find one that WILL help.
At VERY least, talk to a close friend or relative so that they know what you're going through, someone you are around often so they can keep a close eye on you.
It doesn't sound like you will able to get past these issues on your own. The last thing you want to do is start using again, please do all you can to avoid that happening.
<3 <3 <3
 
claire22 said:
I had a major eating disorder from age 14. I started meth to drop weight, even though I was hardly big. At my lowest I was 39kg, I am 170cm tall. It was disgusting, I had to be hospitalized. Then after a few years, I started fainting etc. Then I realised I would die if I wasn't careful, so I started eating more, eventually stayed at around 48kg for a few years. But now.. I have quit meth for the post part. I am fucking PILING it on, and it is freaking me out. I want to stop eating again, all the old thoughts are rushing back to me. I want to die. I am so confused and scared. I am about 56kg now & although I look normal I am hysterical thinking I am a fat whale, I can't stop eating. I can't find a healthy balance. I feel depressed all the time as I am trying to quit meth so I eat to compensate, then feel worse. Deadly cycle. I need fucking serious help, I am so mentally unstable. I hate it, I haven't felt like this in YEARS. I am scared.
Click to expand...

Please do not think of yourself as a fat whale. From what I have seen in your posts here, you are intelligent and very beautiful. I really mean that. I think most people here would agree.
 
Did you/are you getting better?

If you mean physically, yes I am currently in healthy weight range, and my periods seem to have returned.
If you mean mentally, no I'm far from better, not even in the slightest.
 
^^ Yep, absolutely.
I too am discovering this.
It's like any other form of self-destructive behaviour, cutting etc. I wonder, do these issues ever really GO AWAY??? Or are they just suppressed until we are vulnerable enough for them to resurface??
 
Yeh I've got the feeling these are potentially around for life. Whether on the surface or under control but waiting for a trigger to relapse? You could be right there n30, but maybe there is hope?In my case; an overweight adolescence followed by 10 years of eating disorders and still going strong. My ana phase was only about 2 years though thank god, that almost killed me....

Haha do I get an award for how many dark side threads I can personally relate to? ;)
 
so happy to find a thread for this...
so, i've been suffering from an eating disorder for almost ten years... am almost 21 years old, starting restricting when i was eleven in sixth grade and was hospitalized for the first time at the end of seventh, then five times since then....
most recently i was hospitalized from may-july of last year, left AMA and was in heavy out-patient treatment all summer until about september. i started doing really well but then i began using again (coke and meth) and now everything has gone downhill.
i've always been on the side of anorexia, but about month before i started using i began binging, about once a week or so. when i start using my eating cycle becomes 74673498 more fucked up... don't eat anything while on drugs and then eat way too much on the one day or two that i'm sober.
i'm exhausted from this process of eating disorders and drug addiction but it seems like it will never stop. i've had periods where everything seems like it's going great for a while but then it all seems to get fucked up. it's been ten years of anorexia and five of drugs... i feel hopeless. i've been a gymnast since i was two and i could have possibly been olympic material but anorexia, and then drugs, totally fucked me up and took any of that away. now i'm a gymnast intructor/very part time student, and while i love my job it is really depressing to see kids doing all the things i wish i had been able to do... but i guess you pay that price. i've thought about doing something else in the hopes it might help me stay better in the long run but never gone through with it.
anyway, just sort of rambling now i guess. how many of you guys eating disorders have become completely entertwined with your drug use?
 
In an attempt to clean myself of recreational substances I've replaced the void which must be filled one way or another once again with Ana and cutting I will probably start dosing as soon as I get money again because Id much rather do drugs as I feel they are a safer alternative albeit the consequences.
 
EDs are, IME, for life. Even if it has been years since your last 'flare up', it will still be in the back of your mind. A constant companion if you will.

I didn't have a full-on binge last night, but I did manage to eat a whole chocolate orange in a sitting without really realizing it. Only around 700 kcals, but it's still a lot of empty calories. It could have been a LOT worse though; I've put down several thousand calories at a go.

January sucks. I need for my cold to finally die so that I can get back to the fracking gym.

I think that I just need to not buy chocolate. Ever. Xmas, Halloween, Valentine's, whatever. At least I never have any ice cream around anymore, what stuff was/is my Achilles heel.

n30-- how's it going? Claire, how about you?
 
The idea is to be GIFTED chocolates, and then SHARE with friends, hense avoiding binging on them. Because chocolates shared are chocolates halved (or 1/4erd or 1/8thed, depends how many friends are present at the time).
 
Dave said:
I think that I just need to not buy chocolate. Ever. Xmas, Halloween, Valentine's, whatever. At least I never have any ice cream around anymore, what stuff was/is my Achilles heel.

n30-- how's it going? Claire, how about you?
Click to expand...

Dave I have completely gone off chocolate, I just do NOT allow myself to even think about wanting to eat it. And this is coming from a person who would gladly have a few blocks of chocolate a day! Full-on chocoholic.

As for me, my partner forced me to have dinner last night. It was the first meal I'd had in many many days. I hated every single second of it and felt so sick afterwards, and this morning I see a fat person in the mirror 8)
I definitely need to go back to my psych...
 
mrs_mia_wallace said:
so happy to find a thread for this...
so, i've been suffering from an eating disorder for almost ten years... am almost 21 years old, starting restricting when i was eleven in sixth grade and was hospitalized for the first time at the end of seventh, then five times since then....
most recently i was hospitalized from may-july of last year, left AMA and was in heavy out-patient treatment all summer until about september. i started doing really well but then i began using again (coke and meth) and now everything has gone downhill.
i've always been on the side of anorexia, but about month before i started using i began binging, about once a week or so. when i start using my eating cycle becomes 74673498 more fucked up... don't eat anything while on drugs and then eat way too much on the one day or two that i'm sober.
i'm exhausted from this process of eating disorders and drug addiction but it seems like it will never stop. i've had periods where everything seems like it's going great for a while but then it all seems to get fucked up. it's been ten years of anorexia and five of drugs... i feel hopeless. i've been a gymnast since i was two and i could have possibly been olympic material but anorexia, and then drugs, totally fucked me up and took any of that away. now i'm a gymnast intructor/very part time student, and while i love my job it is really depressing to see kids doing all the things i wish i had been able to do... but i guess you pay that price. i've thought about doing something else in the hopes it might help me stay better in the long run but never gone through with it.
anyway, just sort of rambling now i guess. how many of you guys eating disorders have become completely entertwined with your drug use?
Click to expand...

Hi mia, it sounds like you've had a really tough time and I'm sorry for that <3
Are you getting better at the moment? How's your drug use?
Do you think you're in a position to warn/help the kids you teach gymnastics the dangers of restricting calories at such a young age??
Best of luck hun <3


Seanjay said:
In an attempt to clean myself of recreational substances I've replaced the void which must be filled one way or another once again with Ana and cutting I will probably start dosing as soon as I get money again because Id much rather do drugs as I feel they are a safer alternative albeit the consequences.
Click to expand...

Hey Seanjay that's so great to hear you're laying off the substances. But you know, drug use, cutting, eating disorders, they're all symptoms of the same underlying problems. Replacing one for another isn't really solving anything.
Do you see a psych/therapist?? Are you in a position to? I think you should consider it. A lot of people can't deal with these issues on their own and need help.
Good luck dude <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
Dave I have completely gone off chocolate, I just do NOT allow myself to even think about wanting to eat it. And this is coming from a person who would gladly have a few blocks of chocolate a day! Full-on chocoholic.

As for me, my partner forced me to have dinner last night. It was the first meal I'd had in many many days. I hated every single second of it and felt so sick afterwards, and this morning I see a fat person in the mirror 8)
I definitely need to go back to my psych...
Click to expand...

I think that's what is going to have to happen. It sucks though, because I just found a great local chocolate artisan who makes some brilliant stuff. On par with some top-shelf Belgian that I tried ages ago, and for a fraction of the price. Her spicy chocolate is head and shoulders above any that I've tried before. Any. And I've tried a lot ;)

/me pours a 40 of spiced drinking chocolate on the curb. Sniff.

I'm really sorry to hear how rough things are going for you n3o. <hug>

Also, a big hug to your partner for helping you out. It's never fun to have to force someone to eat, even if it's just by gentle cajoling. He sounds like a great guy.

And I'll repeat it again-- you are NOT fat. I don't care what you used to look like, you are nowhere near fat. If it weren't horribly creepy, I'd post a picture of myself at the worst of my binge eating days to show you what fat really looks like.

Take care n3o, and be well. :)

Libby-- Good call. I'll just have to make sure that everyone I know knows of this chocolate artisan!
 
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