Cutting v. 2

[bi0shockxi]

it can become a terrible addiction, and it sounds like you're on your way to a long haul.

you see cutting for what it is, and where it can take you, why not fold why you're ahead?

I know..It just doesn't seem like a problem to me, but I know it is. Addiction is awful, because it makes people into liars. I'm already lying to myself. I most definitely should just quit now so it doesn't get bad. Its just..the whole thing..its appealing. My girlfriend use to cut and i always wanted to know why, and now I do and its awful because i feel like I betrayed her and I have these cravings to feel good once I start to feel bad and I just see that as the easiest to hide and easiest to do way..I don't want it, but its just..I don't even know.

I'll come back tomorrow and see how I feel about it..

 

[panic in paradise]

"I know..It just doesn't seem like a problem to me, but I know it is. Addiction is awful, because it makes people into liars. I'm already lying to myself."

true, it is awful how an addict tricks themselves, justify, look the other way... i did way too long.

"My girlfriend use to cut and i always wanted to know why, and now I do and its awful because i feel like I betrayed her and I have these cravings to feel good once I start to feel bad and I just see that as the easiest to hide and easiest to do way"

there has to be a better way of dealing with this situation, i fear that if you dont learn some copping mechanisms that you will continue to handle other stressful situations this way. you have a head start though, acknowledging the problem, and the source.

try and make tomorrow a good one.

 

[drug_wench]

there has to be a better way of dealing with this situation, i fear that if you dont learn some copping mechanisms that you will continue to handle other stressful situations this way. you have a head start though, acknowledging the problem, and the source.

well said

catch it early - like any addiction - the earlier u stop, the easier
however, like any addiction, u may find u cant stop

uve only done it once so dont stress yet - u havnt shot H or smoked crack or something (not that im belittling the evils of self-harm, just pointing out its not something thats physically addictive), so if u keep the attitude - and i believe that a lot of changing ur way of being is about attitude - that u actually rnt addicted and u hav nothing to fear unless u start doing it again, u hav a gd chance of beating this monster

and if u start doing it again, like me, u hav the luxury of the fact that u hav only just started - this means that if u go for help straight away (im doing psychotherapy and am already slowing down) u will probly heal faster than those who hav bn used to doing it for yrs

btw, if u feel something u want to say/post a pic of will b triggering, then wat u do is reply in the advanced format ('post reply' button rather than writing a 'quick reply')
u will find along the top on the bottom row of buttons, on the very far right (ie. closest to the array of smilies) a square button which (if u look closely) says in red letters 'NSFW' on it
press this button and u can post things that can b shown/hidden behind it
heres an example:

NSFW:

my name is drug_wench

ppl can then choose for themselves whether they want to press the show/hide button or not

ur post wasnt triggering to me as im not a cutter, however if it had bn about burning i dont know if id hav appreciated reading about the endorphins/rush associated with the feeling (actually i more feel relief/numbness wen i burn but anyway.....), esp the comparison with opioids which r drugs im particularly fond of, as will b plenty of others on this board (probly most of us in TDS)
im not telling u off as u r new - and u had the decency to let us know it cud b triggering - however if anyone asks to hav it hidden, maybe u can hav a go (and if u cant figure out my complicated instructions, PM one of us mods and well do it for u)

as PIP said, try to forget about fucking up and making one stupid decision tonight and concentrate on wat u can do to make tomorrow different!

 

[lasthurrah19]

I think these guys just about covered it all ^^^
Cutting addiction is no fun and eventually you will really hate yourself for it... I am not addicted persay to burning, but I've done it enough to really be embarrassed at every single Dr appointment I have (arms and legs mostly), can't wear no sleeves and some short-sleeves are also too short... too self-conscious anyway about being overweight, but of course no shorts... and forget intimacy, I'm afraid of the other person being freaked out.
All this and I don't even really enjoy burning. It's something I do when dissociated and have this weird angry/numb combo on. It is more of a relief like DW described. It doesn't feel good, it's a distraction from emotional pain, for me.

This is probably not your first sign that maybe you could use some therapy - it certainly wasn't the first sign for me. But the physical transformation somehow made it clear to my brain (and my mom, lol, when she found out) that I really needed help. Make the right choice today, for yourself

 

[drug_wench]

This is probably not your first sign that maybe you could use some therapy - it certainly wasn't the first sign for me.

gd point - often theres a leading up set of signs that ur 'not coping with life' for one reason or another
did u manage to establish wat was behind the drug problem? usually in (decent) rehabs theyll work with u on finding out wat has turned u towards ur addiction to drugs
did u go to rehab?

cos the first thing uve got to do in order to recover from any addiction is find out the reason behind it.....then relearn the new behaviour, as u will know if uve bn thru therapy for drug addiction
or did u just give up drugs thru NA etc?
the only trouble with doing it this way is, while it works for many ppl, its a fairly uniform way of going about things - just stating 'im an addict, thats why i abuse drugs'

IME most ppl who abuse drugs may also b susceptible to self-harm, etc, due to an addictive personality that seeks a 'rush', but usually this also goes along with low self-esteem and self-image (otherwise we wudnt hurt ourselves, whether its by using drugs or by self-harming)
this is where therapy comes in massive handy
there has to b a reason u hav that low self-esteem/self-image, whether its due to parents who constantly belittled u as a kid or u were a loner at school or watever
thats wat the therapist helps u sort out

some forms of therapy even teach u diffrent ways of thinking, like CBT/EMDR etc
i dont think these r so appropriate for self-harm but i may b wrong
depends why u do it
id start with psychotherapy

and if ur a guy and one of those guys whos bn brought up that 'guys dont get counselling/cry/etc' (like my bro - my dad told him he was a pussy wen he considered going to counselling after a bad break-up with his long-term gf......so instead poor guy ended up turning to drugs/alcohol - then Dad went apeshit at him for that!) well that cud b part of ur problem for a start.....men and women need equal help wen it comes to psychological issues
hiding the problem isnt 'being a man', its just worsening the problem

 

[paranoid android]

Ya my dad is like that unfortunatly. He says "what do you take all them pills for? go out and get some fresh air by' that's yer problem ya don't get enough fresh air". That and the rest of the ignorant bullshit that comes outta his mouth 8) .

I just laugh at him now though cause it's not worth getting pissed off over some ignorant twat like him who knows nothing. "Ya of course dad fresh air will cure my bipolar disorder right the fuck up. Who needs mood stabilizers cause obviously fresh air will cure everything according to you". After all this is coming from a very tolerant manly man who has never seen a medical text book in his life much less read one . The dumb cunt believes everyone with a mental illness is cracked (nuts he means not cracked outta it) and even said that to me a few times.

Sorry i just had to share that for some reason .

 

[Chigger90]

I used to cut

 

[lasthurrah19]

paranoid android, yeah I dislike people like that. Unfortunately my only two real friends both think that my PTSD is all in my head and 'if I could just let it go' I'd be set. Uh, if I could just let it go I'd be a less sensitive person, and therefor not me. And then you'd have to deal with my depression and DID anyway. The day someone tells me DID is 'all in my head'... well they are bound to see some of who's in my head. At least depression is mainstream enough where people kind of get it, some of them.

 

[drug_wench]

u cud say it is all in our heads actually - after all mental illness is an illness of the mind, therefore making it 'all in our heads'
ive bn told by various ppl that some of the things ive bn diagnosed with dont 'exist' and that they're 'all in my head', esp my ADHD, which is something that still a lot of the older generation believe is just dietary problems etc
tbh i dont give a rats ass wat ppl who know nothing about mental illness think, i just privately think 'wud u like to see me before i started therapy? wud u like to see how diffrent i am wen im on dexamphetamine compared to regular ppl who get....high on it?'
but they r right about it being all in our heads - they just mean it in a diffrent way to the way i interpret it as meaning
i do this deliberately cos theres no point getting frustrated by ppl whos opinions wont change!
in fact i look them back in the eye and say 'yes it is all in my head...i know'....usually gives them a shock cos they think im agreeing with them!

lasthurrah, the day u manage to let ur PTSD go (and im sure u will) u wont 'not b u', ull always b u, ull just more adapted, relieved, not haunted and constantly in-and-out of flashbacks, being triggered by seemingly weird things
thats just u without PTSD
PTSD doesnt define who u r
if ur a sensitive person ull always b a sensitive person - i always hav bn a sensitive person and believe i always will b
ive lived a seemingly tough life, working for gangs, cooking methamphetamine, riding round on the backs of motorbikes......even in primary school, cos i was big for my age and hung round with the boys not the girls, i used to get in punch-ups and win
yet if i see someone has typed a mean post towards someone else on this forum i will feel awful for that person (even if that person has bn pretty mean to me in the past), tiny things emotionally hurt me easily and i treat ppl as gently as i can
emotionally, i will always b sensitive....and its not cos i hav PTSD, or GAD, or ADHD, or anything
its cos im me
i cant wait till i can b rid of the PTSD symptoms that plague me and stop me living my life normally - it almost sounds like u define urself by them.....this concerns me, as defining urself by an illness only makes u become almost comfortable with having that illness
wen ur therapy (which may take a very long time but im sure will oneday b successful if u continue to put in the work) finally rids u of ur PTSD symptoms again i stress u will still b u and if sensitivity is part of ur nature then u will still b sensitive

the other thing is, im willing to bet that while many of ppl who self-harm r mentally ill to some degree, many r just plain either using drugs to the point where theyre depressed and full of self-loathing, or just plain hate themselves due to low self-esteem/self-worth
many of us in this thread possibly dont even hav mental illnesses

wats ur story chigger? thats if ur comfortable going into details

happy to report, btw, no burn marks since i last came online last night, but then im not exactly a frequent self-harmer, and ive had a puff of the old glass dick (actually not-so-old, 'bruce' was bought about 3 months ago) so im up and happy.....havnt dissociated either and thats generally the only time i burn myself now

 

[lasthurrah19]

I had a long reply but I fucked up, anyway.

I guess I kinda mistyped... I know I can still be sensitive, and will be, when my PTSD is gone. But if the events that gave me PTSD hadn't of, I would probably have been/be a less sensitive person. Although some of the stuff I think would have made 99% develop PTSD and/or commit murder/suicide... anyway
I've had PTSD for so long I guess I don't know what my base character traits really are. I mean I used to be really shy but that can be explained by PTSD, even as a little kid. When I have felt my most "well" I am usually pretty friendly actually. I talk to random people in line about whatever if something funny or unusual happens. When I was in group therapy I always tried to make people feel comfortable, introduce myself, kinda tell them what was going on as those situations are confusing at first - that doesn't really sound like something a really shy person would do. I really don't know who I am, I guess that's obvious.

I also agree:
"the other thing is, im willing to bet that while many of ppl who self-harm r mentally ill to some degree, many r just plain either using drugs to the point where theyre depressed and full of self-loathing, or just plain hate themselves due to low self-esteem/self-worth
many of us in this thread possibly dont even hav mental illnesses"

I haven't burnt since the beginning of May. Yay? It was a kind of drastic burn too, but still 2 months is pretty good for me recently at least.

I'd be interested in hearing your story too chigger, if you want to share it.

 

[btrswiet7u4ia]

...Sorry to change the subject.. but
Does any one else cut when frustrated or annoyed?
I haven't cut in 4 + months, and haven't cut habitually for 2+ years.

But I get urges when I'm frustrated or highly annoyed. For example.. my boyfriend.. If I'm angry about something and ask him a question he just doesn't say anything at all. For like.. 5-10 minutes. It makes me want to cut so bad... the frustration.

 

[drug_wench]

frustration triggers me to feel like self-harming (or using drugs for that matter) but i havnt bn burning anymore (well not since i started therapy......apart from wen ive dissociated, maybe something frustrated me at the times ive burnt then, who knows?)
i felt frustrated at my mum tonight cos we had an argument and i was feeling extra-sensitive cos ive hit the crash from yesterdays meth intake
not just that, i feel depressed, irritable, etc (all meth comedown symptoms....all things that trigger self-harming), im just not going to give in

i do understand the urge tho! its still there now!

best thing to do, i find, is get away from the situation thats causing the frustration
like, u cud take time out from ur bf and ring a friend to vent ur frustration to them - all of us must hav at least one of those kind of friends right?

wen Mum pissed me off tonight i took a deep breath and went into my room (making sure the lighters were all out in the kitchen) for a sleep
i asked Mum first (somewhat coldly ill admit ) if she cud wake me later so i cud work on BL/watch my fav program
by the time i woke i felt a lot better (possibly as i was....less sleep-deprived)

find a strategy that works for u and stick to it i guess

 

[lasthurrah19]

I also do get the urge when I'm annoyed or frustrated, DW's advice is good.

Then again, today I just woke up with the urge really strongly to cut. And I don't really even cut (I burn), but damn something is up with me right now. I also need to get my dad to call AT&T or Cingular or whoever owns it these days, to block anonymous calls, as I am getting threatening phone calls. ffs :/

 

[3dmusic]

I give myself chinese burns in an attempt to stave off sudden rages, where I am likely to hurt myeslf more. I am not a threat to anyone else, its all about self hurting.
Not feeling able to deal adequately with people shitting on me triggers frustration.

 

[lasthurrah19]

^^ truer words have never been spoken

 

[Pillthrill]

Chigger90- I just wanted to take a moment and say - good for you. Good that you can try to open up a little bit and share something that can rather painful to say for the first time or share with others. Your post was so short and to the point it seems like it might have been difficult for you. Trust me, there are a lot more people that have cut out there than we usually thing, likely because they feel too ashamed to say anything. Its so common here that it has it's own thead if that tells you anything. Hopefully you can find some comfort in that you aren't alone.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Sometimes I still scratch my arms, like rub not make marks, pick at my skin when I'm stressed. One thing I've found to help instead of cutting is to clip my nails. It relieves stress for me. Sure I run out of nails but it helps when it's needed. I still haven't cut though.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey ZAP, they are some great distraction/stress relief methods you've got there. Thanks for sharing
It's so great to hear you still haven't cut too, stay strong okay? *hugs*

 

[drug_wench]

fucked up

Sometimes I still scratch my arms, like rub not make marks, pick at my skin when I'm stressed. One thing I've found to help instead of cutting is to clip my nails. It relieves stress for me. Sure I run out of nails but it helps when it's needed. I still haven't cut though.

hey ZAP - i tend to do this too, but usually only wen the stress is combined with recent stimulant abuse (meth for me)
wen u were last on this site i remember ud bn recently diagnosed with ADHD but u were having trouble keeping the dose of ur meds down
is it possible this cud b a contributing factor?

fuck i burnt earlier this evening and im pissed off at myself for it
i guess im still a little sensitive due to prolonged P comedown

i was at my friends today, relaxing and helping him plan for his wedding, plus we had a jamming session
its quite hard seeing him get married as ive for a long time (before i met Paul - and we know where that went....) had feelings for him ive had to let go as he sees he as 'one of the guys' (fuck our mothers r best friends - we had baths together as kids) but im happy for him that hes met the right lady for him
anyway i guess that stirred up some emotions deep down too

then Liam, my bro, picked me up to drop me home as he was coming over for dinner and he started talking about his new gf, Gemma
i asked the usual polite questions like where had he met her etc?
he then proceded to tell me (Liam hasnt got an ounce of tact) that she was just a 'crackwhore' (over here that means she bangs guys for P, not crack cocaine....kiwi slang is a little diffrent ill admit) that hed known for ages and he didnt plan to really hav much more than 'casual sex' then joked that shed 'probly like it if him and his mates gang-banged her'
and yes, he knows wat happened to me last year

wen i got home i went into my room and started to wat i call 'semi-dissociate', ie. i was aware of my surroundings but i was floating above my body watching myself crying on the bed
i felt peaceful as i pulled a lighter out of my bag, grabbed my P pipe and looked for a bag, then wen i realised i was fully out of said P, i just viciously burnt the side of the top of my thigh and my hip

now i dont even feel safe around my bro alone.....hes just such a sleaze - and id never even realised it before
i realise he treats all his new gfs badly cos hes bn burnt by Anneliese, his first true love (and only true love the way its going, and if he treats all his gfs like so) and its none of my business but did he have to say the 'gang-bang' thing?

wen i faced him about it afterwards he went red and mumbled 'shit - sorry' but it doesnt change how lousy i feel
i realise thats exactly as those guys last yr looked at me...like a worthless whore that was worth little more than being assaulted in order to earn my fix

and i wonder how im ever going to get by in life wen even hearing my bro say stupid things like this about some girl id never met made me bawl my eyes out, go on a meth hunt and self-harm

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Drug wench: I'm not on stimulant meds anymore. I think I sitll should be, but quit seeing that doc and the new ones don't agree that I'm adhd cause I'm an adult now. Blah.