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Cutting v. 2

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I haven't been able to come in this thread for months, because it's been too much of a trigger for me in the past. The last time I cut myself was late October last year. So I made it 8 months... Unfortunately I've returned to this thread for the wrong reason.

I've been doing a Counselling course for the past 4 months, and part of becoming a counsellor is having to deal with your own issues and acheive a high level of self-awareness, so that you can help others. Therefore I'm forced to face my problems. I'm going to start seeing a new therapist myself (just haven't made that first phonecall to book the appointment yet...8) I'm doing it TODAY!) but I'm in a really bad place at the moment because of all the issues that have been brought to the front of my mind. I slipped back so many steps that I've come forward this past 6 months or so. I've been drinking a lot, binge-eating, starving myself, and the final insult, on Sunday night I burned my ankle. I was really drunk (which seems to be the common theme with my self-harm), and my partner was asleep on the couch, and I'd had a particularly rough weekend with family issues and depression etc. This was the first time I have actually used burning as a form of self-harm. Something inside my head said it was okay to do it because "it wasn't cutting" 8)

So now I have a big open burn wound on my ankle, which hurts like fuck and will most likely become infected.

Why........

drug_wench said:
i havnt done any burning since i last posted or had the urge to burn :)
maybe this was just a brief thing for me!!
i never in my life thought id ever actually start self-harming
funny wat lifes obstacles will do to u
Click to expand...

I sincerely hope it was just a brief thing for you to go through DW. It pains me to think of you hurting yourself, and I'm so glad you haven't felt like doing it since then.
We are very resilient creatures but sometimes we just get pushed a little too far huh.
Much love to you sweetheart <3

zombiesarepeaceful said:
My ex was the one that got me to quit cutting. Even now that we're not together I don't think I'm going back. It severely hinders getting a job, which I need right now, and obviously scares some people and would cause them not to talk to you. Which I don't need right now. I need to show I'm a survivor.
Click to expand...

That's so good to hear that you don't want to go back to cutting <3
You ARE a survivor man <3

EastofEden said:
Most of my scars have faded away and are just light pink and not very raised. Still have one massive one that sticks out and is bright red even a year after I did it.
Click to expand...

The smaller pink scars you shouldn't have any problems tattooing over. But as ZAP said, the larger red ones or the keloid scars you can't tattoo over.
I'm considering working with an artist to make up some tattoos that can go AROUND my keloid scars so that they're close ot unnoticeable. Perhaps that's something you could consider?

Much love and strength to everyone in this thread. I hope we can all learn to love ourselves for who we are and practise effective coping skills.
<3 <3 <3
 
Alright. Now its getting tough. I'm so fucking lonely and miserable. I go to the bar, get a girl's number. But it doesn't make a difference. I have the urge to cut. But I don't want the scars on my body anymore. Yet I feel like bashing my head into a brick wall until I forget about her. I feel rage-ful. This fucking apartment reminds me of her. Everything does. My mp3 player was stolen so I don't have music unless I'm sitting here at the computer. That was my escape. And she's taking this computer. The other one is too damn slow to play music on. I just AHHHHH. I want to go get laid but it's not coming along too hopeful. My cats are my only friends here and they don't talk. I need to do something.
 
Hey n3ophy7e I found that alcohol was what usually pushed me over the edge from just feeling bad about myself to actually cutting myself. I'm sure you're already trying but lay off the booze it really doesn't help. And that idea about getting a tattoo that incorporates the scar is great. Might have to get something pink n girly like a heart but o well :)
 
Yeah. Cutting while drunk isn't good. That's the only time I've had to get stitches. Granted I should have gotten stitches other times but that was the worst.
 
I recently cut myself for the first time. a little background: im 20's, war veteran (very exposed to hardcore violence and blood-ptsd?), no predisposition to self harm or suicidal thoughts. Recently left a very emotionally abusive relationship. sat up late a few nights ago and slashed open my chest. does not appear to be bad but the wounds are "open" per se. it stings to wear a shirt. i dont know what to say. felt really liberating to feel anything even pain
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
Yeah. Cutting while drunk isn't good. That's the only time I've had to get stitches. Granted I should have gotten stitches other times but that was the worst.
Click to expand...

you bleed a lot more with alcohol in your system, incase you didnt know, thats the big reason tattoo shops wont lay any ink, because you bleed excessively. very bad combination in so many ways.

oh, and i almost forgot, you might regret it the next day too..............
 
Aww n3o that sucks :( . I put 3 burn marks with a redhot lighter into my arm there over a week ago and the fucking marks are still really visable. I wasent drunk just really pissed off and between the adrenaline and oxy i didnt feel how bad it was burning in. Just keep it clean and it shouldnt get infected.

Surprisingly i havent hurt myself since then even though ive been through opiate withdrawals which is often when i do it. I felt like doing it bad enough though.
 
Hi ocean. No they dont. they pay for private healthcare and send me a bunch of cash each month, + the feds here give me a pension cause i'm injured. i dont like doctors and counselling is not very suitable or helpful in my country. i served in (edited).
 
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ValeTudo said:
I recently cut myself for the first time. a little background: im 20's, war veteran (very exposed to hardcore violence and blood-ptsd?), no predisposition to self harm or suicidal thoughts. Recently left a very emotionally abusive relationship. sat up late a few nights ago and slashed open my chest. does not appear to be bad but the wounds are "open" per se. it stings to wear a shirt. i dont know what to say. felt really liberating to feel anything even pain
Click to expand...

It only gets worse, IME, and you started off with a bang it sounds like. Sounds like PTSD is likely with the other things you wrote. I know you don't like doctors, I don't really have any advice... I never seriously self harmed until my early 20's (I'm 24 now) either and I have PTSD
 
I wanted to cut SO bad the other day when the bf and I fought. He was being a jerk and making me feel like total shit with comments like, "Well if you don't like it, go home." I wanted to cut so bad but its summer and I can't and don't want to have to hide it. It gets in the 100 degrees F here or more. I ended up digging my nails into my arm but not drying blood. I was high off pain pills so it wasn't like it helped much. After cooling down he did just hug me (thats usually what we end up doing) and held me for half a minute. He never did say he was sorry but I hope he had time to think about what he said and how much words, from him more than most, can really hurt. I think the BPD plays a large part in it to. That when people say things they might as well slice my arm open if I don't because it hurts that much and the words still leave on hell of scar sometimes.
 
PTSD is a bitch. That's what they say I have from my childhood. I would agree, that depression and adhd. When the memories are so strong or the flashbacks are so fucked up you want to do anything to be free from them, I would cut. I haven't still. Just went back to smoking pot as my release, plus it helped me eat alot when my stomach was messed up from stress. But that's not always what you need when you want to cut, been there, done that.
 
ZAP - gd to see u back, mate
ur a survivor and u give gd advice....its gd to hav u back with us :)

lasthurrah, i will look at starting that thread as i probly need it and so do u
i definitely hav other signs of trauma (ie. bad stomach, epilepsy, constant infections as a kid and yep - asthma, which has bn particularly bad since the event, which also happened round wen u were raped....shit why cant i just say it, fuck, ok i was raped, wats more gang-raped.....there u go, and u hav no idea wat a relief it was to come out and say that......i figure on this thread no one will judge me as many of u may hav gone thru similar events urselves)

as for the drugs - i have to take valium....im reducing it slowly but basically u cant just go CT off 29mg off valium wen ur epileptic and already starting to hav seizures no matter how slowly u cut it down
methadone - no fucking way am i giving up that (or even starting to) as it helps with the opiate wds masked by the valium use (i was opiate-dependent on-and-off since i was 20....spose i still am)
methamphetamine - yes i definitely need to give that up, but then ive bn a meth addict for on/off 10yrs.....im heading for rehab to once again try and deal with this even tho i dont use evryday or even evry week these days, but i hav to get off the other 2 first

ive self-harmed a few more times since i last posted in here
like neo i was finding it a little triggering as others talked about burning but i realise its got to b released somewhere
i stick to burning in places ppl will never see unless im naked wen i feel the urge now

tattooing is a gd idea but getting to the bottom of why u do it and treating it somehow (easier said than done) is probly the best way to go about it
seeing my therapist is helping although sometimes talking about the painful memories makes me want to burn so its kind of hard to come up with any other ideas there!
 
i want to gather everyone on this thread and give them soft hugs and a warm shoulder to lean on.

i have a history of everything (drugs, eating disorder, self injury, bipolar...etc). when i was really going through intense trauma therapy and actually experiencing some new trauma, i kept trying to push it down. it was so bad that i was debilitated by depression and tried everything i could to completely numb out and shut down. i had been cutting for a while and i got to the point where i couldnt even go an hour without self injuring.

somehow, i was able to give up my razors, even the ones that i kept "just in case." it was incredibly emotional and it was an excruciating habit to quit. ive had urges off and on for years but ive somehow been able to fend them off. apart from some random outbursts of slamming my head into furniture or hitting myself, ive been ok. however, i am covered in scars that dont let me forget what ive been through and i will carry that forever.

i just wanted to say that i sympathize deeply with you all that are burdened with self injury. it is the one thing i have really been able to recover from. it was so hard but i managed to do it. dont lose hope, guys.
 
*Hugs kcfaerydust and everyone else in this thread*

I'm a self-harmer, and I've been hospitalised a couple of times because of it. I seem to cut for 2 reasons - as an expression of hatred towards myself when I'm feeling really low, and as a way to release strong emotions like anger or sadness. I guess it's a coping mechanism. Cutting helps at the time, but afterwards it always leaves me feeling guilty and embarrassed. Unfortunately I now have quite a lot of scars over my arms and legs, which cause some awkward moments when my friends or boyfriend see them.
 
Huh..I feel pretty dumb right now. I was quite upset tonight and I did something...stupid..you
could say. Let me tell you my story..if you'll listen.
Possible trigger:


I was very addicted to drug use this past summer. I spent ever day and every dollar getting high. I ended up getting so low that I was stealing robotussin and air duster from walmart to keep myself numbed out from the world. I was caught by my family, pasted out on my couch, throwing up red vomit (we never found out if it was cough syrup or blood) and twitching.

To make it short: I quit using drugs, and then started using again, but now I have it under control. I've matured quite a bit and I now have found a responsible and safer way to look at drug use. I only use when I get things for free, and I don't actively seek drugs myself. I'll maybe take some adderalls or drink some shots when at a friend's or take MDMA every couple of months. I never plan any of it, and it happens only when its appropriate. Like I said, its not an addiction anymore.

Okay, so it sounds all good and dandy, but now I'm come to realize that drugs aren't my addiction. I don't know what my cravings are for, but I just don't associate pleasure or happiness with drugs anymore. I enjoy drug use, but it isn't the same. I think my new addiction may end up being something much worse. I am quite depressed, and I have mild dissociative/anti-social behaviors. Tonight, I was really upset, and I had never tried cutting to cope with anything. I even got past the initial pain I felt inside, and started to feel good and I just got interesting. I use to love opioid drugs and I thought "hell, this releases endorphins" and cut up my shoulders...it felt ssoooo fucking good. Like..better than my first nod on hydromorphone and even made me feel more at peace than numbing everything out with dissociative drugs like I was...

I'm scared...I don't want this to become an addiction. I kept cutting at my shoulder again and again and at first it hurt, but now it just feels good...I'm terrified...I know this could become a horrible addiction, but it just feels amazing..
 
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