Cutting v. 2

[Ds]

^sorry to hear that jack, My dads the same way, sept he gives me the fucking silent treatment when I do something wrong.
Like today, I took one of his oxy's without asking, and we have this big trip planned for tommrow to go to gatlinburg. He knew I took it, and when I start talking about how much fun we are going to have he ignores me. Act's like i'm not there.

I cut the fuck out of my self today. I bled,and bled, and bled. This shit hit home with me. My dad's probbly upstairs crying where he went wrong in raiseing my and here I am with a scalpel, I don't even feel the cut's anymore.

Man fuck this shit sucks man. People my age are all happy with their familes, watching a movie becuase it's movie night friday, and here I am alone, wishing for me to open my eyes and it all be a dream.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Awww D's, please stop cutting man, you've done enough for now okay? What time is it there? Maybe you should just call it a night and get some rest.
I know it's really hard but have you tried to talk to your dad about how he makes you feel when he gives you the silent treatment? He might not know how much it affects you. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you the way it does.

Psychlone Jack, I'm really glad you couldn't find any razor blades man!

Both of you, have you tried to adopt some other methods of releasing negative emotions?? There have been a few discussed in this thread but they're a while back at the start.
Some of these methods include:
*going for a fast run/sprint outside
*if you live in a reasonably isolated area (i.e. aren't going to freak out the neighbours!) you can go outside and scream/yell
*put a rubber band around your wrist/ankle, and snap it against your skin (do not break the skin)
*crushing a cube of ice in your hand

Please, both of you, I hope you can try to use some more effective coping mechanisms but in the mean time, take care

 

[Pillthrill]

No drugs last night.
Ran out of my kpins because I've been under so much stress and can't get an appt with the F***ing Dr. till next MONTH!
It was so hard not to turn to cutting as the only means of creating the good feeling chemicals in my brain.
But I fought it, another night one...so many to go.

 

[paranoid android]

Man fuck this shit sucks man. People my age are all happy with their familes, watching a movie becuase it's movie night friday, and here I am alone, wishing for me to open my eyes and it all be a dream.

Who says they are all home happy with their families? They could be at home miserable with their family who they hate or they might not have a family at all. It's easy to get into the everyone else has it better then me line of thinking when your really down but honestly most people are fucked in one way or another.

Im 27 so by the same logic i should be sitting at home with a wife and a kid watching stupid movies and being very happy. Instead im sitting at the computer, eating percocets, being pissed off that im almost broke, i have nowhere to go and that he one girl i really love is almost halfway across the country.

On the upshot i did pick up the DVD set of the first season of OZ so that will keep me very entertained tonight .

 

[Ds]

Cut my self again. On my upper leg. got sum evan williams. Goin 2 a place calld "cry baby bridge" one of those place where its abandond and people debate weather 2 kill them selves or not. Sorry :-(

 

[Pillthrill]

Hey, we have all been there. Me: a LOT lately. If you wana talk I'm a PM away.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Cut my self again. On my upper leg. got sum evan williams. Goin 2 a place calld "cry baby bridge" one of those place where its abandond and people debate weather 2 kill them selves or not. Sorry :-(

I'm sorry to hear this man. Please don't go to the bridge though, you're too valuable to lose. Remember that.
Check your PMs

 

[Ds]

Thanks rose, and pill.

Last night was a close one for me. I was drunk walking along the broken guard rail at cry baby bride, drinking my handle of evan williams. I diddn't want to die right there. I'm sure you've all had the feeling that, If you died, you were expecting it, and it wasn't such a big deal.

It's been a rough night, You think people would call the cell and ask where I was, or where my dad's 350z was. No one, not a damn soul called me. That shit right there is what I hate in life. Weather I do good or bad, no one seems to notice.

I did somehow cut my leg pretty deep last night, I don't remimber doing one this big. I feel really stupid. It sorta takes away the whole reason why I cut anyway.

Today hasn't started of a good day, I'm going to drive to get some dilaudids now I figured. I havn't done any in close to a year. I hate fucking shooting drugs, and yet for that 1 minute rush it gives me takes away every fucking thing i'm worrying about.
Bluelight is the only reason why i'm still alive.

 

[Pillthrill]

I'm glad we can help. But BL can't help forever hun. Really.
I know the feeling of, "God, do I matter that little that no one even cares where I am or AT LEAST where my car is?" "Why does no one call..."
Please try to hang in there. Treat your wounds well. Taping gaping ones shut helps and cover. They heal better and then later maybe it will feel less worse to have to think about later.
I know what you mean, you hate the drug, but it seems the only thing that makes life bearable. So many of us do. Trust me I've been feeling that a lot trying to go meth/opiate sober. Sucks.
PM me hun, we can talk more if you want. Sometimes it's nice to know you aren't alone

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thanks rose, and pill.

Last night was a close one for me. I was drunk walking along the broken guard rail at cry baby bride, drinking my handle of evan williams. I diddn't want to die right there. I'm sure you've all had the feeling that, If you died, you were expecting it, and it wasn't such a big deal.

It's been a rough night, You think people would call the cell and ask where I was, or where my dad's 350z was. No one, not a damn soul called me. That shit right there is what I hate in life. Weather I do good or bad, no one seems to notice.

I did somehow cut my leg pretty deep last night, I don't remimber doing one this big. I feel really stupid. It sorta takes away the whole reason why I cut anyway.

Today hasn't started of a good day, I'm going to drive to get some dilaudids now I figured. I havn't done any in close to a year. I hate fucking shooting drugs, and yet for that 1 minute rush it gives me takes away every fucking thing i'm worrying about.
Bluelight is the only reason why i'm still alive.

D's, don't get the dilaudid man, you've worked hard to stay off it for almost a year and it won't make things any better for you.

Like PT said, take care of the wound, seek medical attention if it needs it. I know the exact feeling when you wake up and see a huge wound that you don't even remember creating Your local doctor should be able to clean it and tape it up for you so that it heals a bit better.

Take care man, I'm only a PM away if you need to talk

 

[Ds]

Thanks ya'l I balled up to my father earlier and told him that I am never going to live with him ever again, I'm not even going to come to his place. I told my dad that he can come visit me, or meet somewhere etc. I just cant be alone with the guy. He fucks with my emotions.
I feel like cutting my self tonight
ds

 

[n3ophy7e]

D's it takes a lot of courage to say that to your father, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for!

If you can do that, you have the strength to get through tonight without cutting yourself. You don't need to do it man. Go for a run, get some natural endorphins flowing. Or do some drawing/painting, anything to keep your hands busy.
I hope you feel better soon *hugs*

 

[Ds]

D's it takes a lot of courage to say that to your father, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for! If you can do that, you have the strength to get through tonight without cutting yourself. You don't need to do it man. Go for a run, get some natural endorphins flowing. Or do some drawing/painting, anything to keep your hands busy. I hope you feel better soon *hugs*

thanks rose. Things are tough 4 me now eversince my o.d. Even tho i stil feel like i have 2 make my dad happy. I picture him now. Sitting there in the dark wanting me 2 help him. I just cant seem 2 let him go out of my emotions. I hate it. I feel like i have 2 please him. At the hospital i told them about my feelings 4 my dad. Im going 2 start seeing a social worker. I hope they will help me handle my emotions.

 

[dance.ana.dance]

I have always wanted to know how to get people to understand the reason you cut. No matter how many times, or how clearly you explain it, they look at you like you are schizophrenic or something.

 

[demon_candy]

I agree, that the only people who really do understand are other cutters, or people who have other SM problems. My sister is bulimic, and although it is a different disorder, it still is similar as a device that helps counter pain.

I've always thought of it that sometimes the mental anguish is so much, that the only thing that helps is to make yourself feel physical pain. This causes the two to cancel each other out and create a sort of numbness. I've always associated a sort of numb euphoria with those dark places.

It is a fairly big problem amongst people, especially afflicting young adults. Feeling lost, as if you have no place in the world and no purpose, cutting brings you back into a sort of harsh reality. Relationships were the catalyst for many of my scars though.

It's a very tough battle really, and to this day I occasionally struggle, although I have gotten much better over time. I started when I was around 11-12, and I felt it was the only way I knew to deal with things, with life. It was only when I was finally older and more mature with a better sense of self that I was able to find a better way of coping with the harsh reality of life.

 

[Corro_Core]

Yeah, when i have explained it to someone. Which is not alot. They kinda understand, but they still dont grasp the concept of inflicting pain on ones self. I think thats the deal. People try their best to not get hurt, and to not feel pain. But people who willing inflict pain upon themselves dont. Not saying we, or i, WANT to feel pain, but a release. Best way i explain it is the first drink of a beer. Or letting the air out of a balloon that is filled close to the point of popping. Its, for me, an amazing release of pressure. I just wish i didnt have to do it.

 

[demon_candy]

I know how that feels too, a lot of people can only kind of understand because they have never been in a place where things become so bleak in your mind that there is no escape. I hated cutting myself, but sometimes the pressure just builds to an intensity that is so powerful that anything, anything at all would be better than to feel such pain. It doesn't quite go to the point of suicide though, even if those thoughts are there. It just is a way to cope with everything. I've tried a lot of things to stop, but I found that the best way was to talk to others, and to write as well. It is hard to really let anyone know about it, but if you are finding someway to release pain, whether by writing, drawing, etc., it may just help keep you from going over the edge.

 

[Ds]

I have always wanted to know how to get people to understand the reason you cut. No matter how many times, or how clearly you explain it, they look at you like you are schizophrenic or something.

Cutting for me IMO, is like my lexapro. When I cut myself when I'm feeling really shitty, my brain releases those "feel good" feelings to make my cut feel better, and in the process, it makes my deppresing thoughts go away to.
I havn't cut in a few days.

I serously feel like cutting now, no opiates, and I just feel out of place here at my moms and step dads.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ That's exactly what happens D's, your brain releases endorphins when you cut, which is why it makes the pain and bad emotions go away. But it's only temporary. It's not a solution, please remember that. Once the endorphins wear off (it's just like any drug), the same problems are still there from before.
We need to find ways to work through our problems without having to resort to self-harm.

I know things are tough right now man, but please don't cut. It won't make you feel any better in the long run. PM me if you need to talk

 

[btrswiet7u4ia]

Again, here I am changing the subject (sorry)
But sometimes this is the only place I feel like I can go... Like when your best friend won't answer the phone, you can't talk to family and you feel like a burden to your old friends.
It seems like I only cut when I'm angry, but when I'm high I get SUPER angry over...any.. little thing. So when a big thing presents it's self when I'm high I get incredibly angry... then I get sick, then I puke, and either deal with it by sleeping (If I can make myself) or I cut, lastnight I slept rather than cutting, woke up angry.. ... called the person who I was angry at in order to fix the situation, not to argue. Instead, he refused to talk about it, wouldn't answer my questions, then said he didn't want to talk about it and turned off his phone.
That made me cut...

I recently moved back to a town where I have people I can call and talk to when I need to, but the thing is.. I don't want to burden them, I don't want to seem like "oh that's fucked up little (name here)" I don't want to bother them. Also, I don't want to ONLY talk to them about my relationship when it's going badly, I don't want them to hate the guy I love just because I only talk about him when he's being ridiculous. And make them think he makes me cut.. I make me cut. He makes me mad occasionally by his avoidance of minor issues...

Sorry to ramble but I need to get this out of me in a better way than slicing up my other shoulder.