• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

Recovery August recovery thread

Morning ??‍♀️

Yesterday was a rough day!

Hope everyone is surviving their week and in a positive mindset.

I just started a thread called “Realisation”
I am starting to notice my use is affecting things like it didn’t befor so I have to prepare to make some changes.

✌?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm not kidding, has anyone else here been like < 11% bf fucking someone < 11% bf? It's so impractical and painful.

at least 1 partner needs SOME.
Click to expand...

I like all kinds of girls from very thin to curvy. I am on the thinner side and the best sex I ever had was with a very thin girl. It really all depends on how their weight or lack there of suits them and their face but really there is an essence that comes from within that emanates and endows them with a certain grace that supersedes all definable physicality. I find that our current culture is currently trying to shame thin women and I completely understand it as a backlash to the weight shaming from prior generations but I think beauty truly does come from essence and I have love for all my women, whether they are spindly or robust. It really is all dependent on a lot of factors that as you get older are more important than runway or MTV aesthetics.

I am definitely starting to believe that women prefer a dad bod. I have a rather stereotypical early 20's, thin, gym body and all the women my age go for the fuller, corn bread, shrek looking oafs. I get young women, who are always attracted to me until I push them away because I prefer maturity and I am afraid that I would destroy them because of my dark past. Having Hep-C doesn't help, I'm afraid to engage in any romantic situation with a women for fear of the moment of reveal and the rejection. I would hate to give it to somebody else. I really need to take care of it. Things will probably get better for me in this department when I am more financially stable and I have completed Harvoni. I will then come into my prime, so I'm not too concerned at the moment.
 
Last edited:
Isn't Hep C not sexually transmittable?

And ya man you're on Harvoni that shit will be gone before you know it :)

I sent you a too-much-information series of messages so, if you think less of me after you read them, I seriously wouldn't blame you. But I was honest, and at the very least I hope you can appreciate that.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Isn't Hep C not sexually transmittable?

And ya man you're on Harvoni that shit will be gone before you know it :)

I sent you a too-much-information series of messages so, if you think less of me after you read them, I seriously wouldn't blame you. But I was honest, and at the very least I hope you can appreciate that.
Click to expand...

I definitely don't think less of you. I have always held you in the highest regard. I think you are an amazingly resilient person, with a vastly curious intellect that sometimes gets the better of you. Thank you for all the years of service.

Hep-C is usually not sexually transmitted but it is definitely possible through contact with bodily fluids. They put the transmission rate with a monogamous partner at 0-3%... It still just feels like it is a scarlet letter for some reason.
 
Last edited:
An acquaintance told me, and this was the only one wise thing he said, "Would you rather be happy, or would you rather be right?"

0.1 seconds later I blurted out "why do they have to be mutually exclusive?" he was on drugs and mumbled something. I think he was trying to say that they don't "always" overlap or whatever.

I'd rather be right. If we live in a world of happy people who make each other happy through white lies (THERE IS NO SUCH THING all lies are bad), then we create an inauthentic society where you begin to know everyone is or may be bullshitting you. So you may begin to pre-emptively bullshit them to get the out-come you want. You don't want to live in a world full of sociopath chronic liars who do nothing but manipulate others: trust me. It is SO much better to just be honest, even in a harsh way, because lying is worse.

If you think I'm the scum of the earth, or stupid, or whatever, you can tell me. I'll appreciate your honesty. I don't want someone to suck up to me and then speak shit to me behind my back. Just tell ME. Like I hate when people go "it's not you it's me" and they're just lying to you. I AM TRYING TO SELF-IMPROVE FOR THE NEXT TIME I ENCOUNTER A HUMAN BEING JUST TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG. LOL!!!!!

Like basically honesty makes a better world, and lies can only make a worse world. Immanuel Kant came up with the negative responsibility concept where if a Nazi knocks on your door, and you're hiding Jews, you should be honest. NOT because Kant hated Jews but because YOU ARE NOT ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO. The Nazis dragging the Jews and gassing them THAT is evil. You telling the truth, in itself, was THE RIGHT thing. However he then went on to say if you suspect something that terrible will happen go with your conscience (I interpreted this as it's OK to tell the cops there's no drugs in your car ;) ;)) but for the most part I never lie. Ever. I'll keep things to myself, socially withdrawal, but who wants to be an inauthentic person? I dunno.

You seem like a really honest person too man so I wanted to share that w/ you too.
 
somnilicious said:
Hep-C is usually not sexually transmitted but it is definitely possible through contact with bodily fluids.
Click to expand...
Yes didn't Pamela Andersen claim Tommy Lee gave it to her? Be safe out there.

Thank you all for the posts.

I am back to day 1, but that is an accomplishment for me when I'm stuck in a cycle- waking up and not instantly seeking out drink/smoke, to "escape" the pain.

I got to speak to my ex and my 4 y/o, which was a joy, and made visiting plans.

Went to a 12-step meeting today, which I know isn't for everyone, and I don't like a lot of it either.

But it's a place for peer-support and to remind myself I'm not alone, not as unique as I think- that I'm not fated to die in active use. Even though I've chronically relapsed and pushed the limits more than many, I have sure as hell paid the price for one of those seats.

I've lived in smaller areas where I just couldn't get into the meetings, but luckily this is a huge metro area so there is always something interesting- secular/humanist meetings, young people's, CMA, NA, SMART recovery, etc.

Well for me the next few days are another big test. I'll check.
 
I'm having kratom cravings because I am going to be going out into public to a meeting(how ironic..lol) . I've been canning gabapentin all day and though a feel pretty chill, I'm also feeling quite fuzzy and dumb at the moment. Oh well, I guess there is worse ways to feel. I should probably throw out my kratom but I was saving it in case I need it for my coming work day. If I haven't responded to anybodies post please don't take it personal. I'm just floating in a gabapentin haze of stupidity at the moment. Complex thoughts take way too much mental capacity. I'm just trying to exists and stay clean.
 
somni good luck at the meeting, hope it helps with your cravings.

CH thanks, i've fucked a lot of junkies while also a junkie and enjoyed it so i think it is possible to have enjoyable sex when both partners are very thin. but, its quite possible the heroin was masking the pain.

well done on your meeting jb, the social support is a bigger thing for me than the program.

need to go to bed now. so tired. really hope i don't wake up at shit o clock again. this feels like i'm getting into a danger zone if my energy and mood doesn't improve soon. i'm torturing myself mentally about my body and feel stuck cos i can't try to control my diet without putting myself in danger. i've been on the verge of tears several times today for the first time in ages.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
They seem like the trashy type to shoot dope as celebrities and if I'm wrong I apologize.
Click to expand...
Dont know much about Pamela, but Tommy Lee seems pretty classy, for a rock star.

Speaking of, has anyone seen the 2019 Motley Crue music/biopic/addiction pic, The Dirt?

I thought it was excellent, for the genre, and depicts Tommy as the best-adjusted of the band.

somnilicious said:
I am going to be going out into public to a meeting
Click to expand...
Congrats, let us know how it goes. I'm going out to a 'secular/humanist' mtg tonight.
chinup said:
well done on your meeting jb, the social support is a bigger thing for me than the program.
Click to expand...
Yeah I think that's true for me too, although where I'm at, some of the step work will prob be good for my 'soul.' And not that I'm looking forward to it.

And unlike my first brushes with 12-step, now I can't remember significant stretches of my life or the order things went, so I have no idea how I'd do most of the steps. Cross that bridge when I get to it.
 
Last edited:
I can relate so much to the exhaustion chinup. I'm tired all the time now that I'm working full time.

Yeah the fatigue is a major trigger for me as is insomnia. On top of that I'm not getting much enjoyment out of anything right now. I just feel like if this is it then fuck it I will do drugs
 
cj said:
the fatigue is a major trigger for me as is insomnia. On top of that I'm not getting much enjoyment out of anything right now. I just feel like if this is it then fuck it I will do drugs
Click to expand...
Remember what I said buddy. You're doing the right thing. If you will let me put it into different words, this is what society expects of you. Of course you don't have to work a full time job. You can give up whenever you want. But trust me one day you'll be really thankful you stayed this course. I'm glad I started getting my shit together one very small thing at a time.

Also scroll through and read the meaning of life crap I'm sure I've spewed to you a bit on. It might help.

Specifically, The Myth of Sisyphus (I believe i posted it in words? it'll be weird because it came from a pdf? i vaguely remember?) by Albert Camus is a must-read.

So let me ask you a question I may have asked you before... when you were getting high, before recovery, what was your perspective on meaning of life? What is it now?

Take the time to examine this while you're in recovery. You can always give up another day, you're a really cool guy and totally worth working on yourself in the ways you can every day.

If you feel you're pushing yourself too hard see if you can get like 1 less shift a week until you feel less exhaust. The exhaustion goes away after you get more physically used to constantly working. I can really relate to the insomnia. It sucks.

I don't really know what to say there because there's no easy solution other than the generic things you already know like "exercise etc" and I'm sure you're already doing that as you're in recovery and working and what not so you're probably getting enough physical activity.

Talk to the doctors about how you're feeling; it may not necessarily have to be a mental health issue. Physical issues i.e. thyroid/blood pressure (too high, or too low) can mimic or lead to mental issues i.e. lethargy or insomnia/anxiety or whatever. If this isn't the issue just keep reaching out to people you feel you can trust. I know that last one was lame but that's what I do. It's not like western medicine can cure this sick body or mind of mine but I still try man. It's still worthwhile to work on yourself every day. You're a really smart guy and you're a hard worker. If you feel burnt out just ask for less hours. I know you want to get out of there ASAP and you smell freedom and can't wait, but just take your time, process the emotions, it'll be alright.
 
Hello recovering bluelighters.

Day 2 off Alcohol, Suboxone, and Cannabis.

I thought I had a good day yesterday, compared to the recent past.

But my receptors were prob still agonized by the Subs.

Then last night around 11pm I started getting some anxiety, auditory hallucinations, intrusive thoughts, and paranoia/delusions. Not fun. Did my best to counter/reality-test it all and just fall asleep.

Then when I fell asleep had nightmares that were worse. Some sweats and twitching, bit of soreness tho not too terrible.

Woke up a bit better around 930am, went to an 11am 12-step mtg and now am at a Dept of Motor Vehicles. Fun.... I just hope I'm not waiting for hours to be told I need to come back again.

But it could be worse. I've been thru shit like this before, just have to tough it out til the old brain and body chemistry returns to normal.

PLUR ;)

Edit, got my replacement Driver License with little hassle, aside from 3.5 hour wait. JB is no longer undocumented!! woot.
 
Last edited:
hey everyone. It gives me a real comfort just reading through these recovery threads, knowing others are fighting the good fight. I'm on day 4 and depression has been plaguing me real bad. I'm dreading going back to work since all my shifts when I've come off drugs are either all great or I feel slow, sad & depressed, avoid talking to anyone and hate myself. Does anyone else feel like they don't click properly with regular people?? It's like I can only really relate to other addicts, or people with mental health problems. I try to talk to normal people and though sometimes it goes well, often times I just find myself at a loss and can't connect with them. I really need to forgive myself when I'm not feeling extroverted - I can have one bad day where I'm feeling more reserved and mentally foggy and I let it develop into this downward spiral of self-hatred, my inner monologue just becomes a voice harshly criticizing me for everything I'm doing as I'm doing it, and it fucking sucks. why do I keep doing this to myself?
 
Rio Fantastic said:
hey everyone. It gives me a real comfort just reading through these recovery threads, knowing others are fighting the good fight. I'm on day 4 and depression has been plaguing me real bad. I'm dreading going back to work since all my shifts when I've come off drugs are either all great or I feel slow, sad & depressed, avoid talking to anyone and hate myself. Does anyone else feel like they don't click properly with regular people?? It's like I can only really relate to other addicts, or people with mental health problems. I try to talk to normal people and though sometimes it goes well, often times I just find myself at a loss and can't connect with them. I really need to forgive myself when I'm not feeling extroverted - I can have one bad day where I'm feeling more reserved and mentally foggy and I let it develop into this downward spiral of self-hatred, my inner monologue just becomes a voice harshly criticizing me for everything I'm doing as I'm doing it, and it fucking sucks. why do I keep doing this to myself?
Click to expand...

I can so relate. You said it all when you said you just have to forgive yourself. Just take it slow and easy and know that you aren't going to be the bright shinning you with all your cylinders firing. You don't have to be. Just know that you will heal in time. It is going to take a lot of time for your brain to adjust. I am in the exact same position as you. I have fucked up 3x's in the last week and a half. I used dope today and I will have to suffer the "bends" as well. It's nothing we can control. We just have to accept it and take it easy and forgive ourselves. Fake it till we make it and treat ourselves at the end of the day.

I have been enjoying meditating outside, after working out. Then I go and play the guitar and read something inspirational. I enjoy good self help books, particularly ones that focus on Buddhist philosophy. Do whatever comforts and relaxes you. I have had to start doing the NA thing. I simply take comfort from being around others in the struggle and inspiration from those who are racking up significant time. Take what is good for you and discard the rest. Don't try to swallow the program, wholesale but don't dismiss it simply because there is a part you don't like. I have to get a sponsor and a network because if I don't have that ear, support and guidance my addicted brain will get the best of me. I am going to definitely make that effort at my meeting tomorrow.

I haven't taken any kratom but that means fuck all if I keep using dope.... Lol....

I have to have healthy addicts to bounce my thoughts off of because right now my addicted brain is the enemy. It is a malfunctioning program. I look at the NA program and all my other activities in recovery as a reboot. To me it is a process of removing the viruses( kinda part of the 4th-12th step) that drive my addictive behavior and replacing them with new software (don't have to use NA steps to do this). Discard the thoughts that just don't work. It is extremely difficult because our thoughts are attached to emotions that are meant to grab our attention. If you notice thoughts almost seem to bubble up out of nowhere and before we know it we have given attention to a certain thought and are in emotional turmoil as we are following the train of thought our brains have offered up. Mindfulness meditation is helping me disconnect and distance myself from the thoughts and allowing myself to emotionally detach before they grab me. I am getting better at viewing the thoughts objectively and deciding if i want to allow them to float by or if i wish to attach to or entertain them.

I highly suggest trying at least 20 mins meditation a day. It absolutely helps in slowing the thoughts down and science actually proves that it strengthens the pre frontal cortex and weakens the amygdala, which is the primitive emotional center of your brain that is in control and going haywire in us addicts, who are trying to recover.

I offer a challenge that we both get 30 days clean from this point forward.... No matter what..... Check in tomorrow and we can keep each other accountable. We used to have a thing called sober partners and because of our situations I think you and i would fit perfectly. Keep coming back to update. We can keep in touch and try and inspire and help each other. I got love for ya cause your just like me in so many ways. My brother from the little island, where they talk funny and drive on the wrong side of the road...lol..... Talk to ya tomorrow bubb.


.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top