Recovery August recovery thread

[Captain.Heroin]

How has life been treating you captain?

Terribly. A lot of really bad things are happening and the only solace I have is that I have enjoyed most of this summer to myself to grieve and what not from a lot of terrible losses. Some are still on-going.

For the most part I am trying to rest, relax, and get ready to get back into the groove of things soon.

 

[somnilicious]

Terribly. A lot of really bad things are happening and the only solace I have is that I have enjoyed most of this summer to myself to grieve and what not from a lot of terrible losses. Some are still on-going.

For the most part I am trying to rest, relax, and get ready to get back into the groove of things soon.

I hope life starts to look up for you captain. Everything has a season and nothing lasts forever. Grieving is difficult. When my girlfriend died I found strength from knowing that she would want me to be happy and healthy. I still talk to her and her affirmations and pride give me the ability to move through difficult times. We have a very close relationship and I love making her happy by being the best me that I can be. I literally high fived her, in my mind ,the other day when I overcame a craving...lol... Her approving smile fills my heart with joy.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Yeah the loss is tearing me up, and it's not just limited to this one person either. There's a lot of pain and suffering in the lives of others irl I care deeply about. It's very hard to witness or even hear about and remain even somewhat optimistic. I don't mind my own mortality or that I belong to time. I care more about others I love and watching them go through this is very hard on me.

There's a few things that make me miss my ex especially so, such as not getting to be there at the end, or snubbing him at the last time he invited me to hang out with him because I was bitter, moving on, and was busy cleaning up a huge mess left behind by his insane alcoholism whereas if I'd had known he'd be gone so quickly I would have just played along. I feel like I made his last days on earth more alienated and unpleasant and I feel a lot of it is my fault for enabling him. I feel insanely guilty almost all the time.

Other people can tell me I'm on the right path, or have it made, or are just proud of me for making progress. It's just words to me and nothing seems to make me feel all that great anymore other than the occasional unwinding I get to do. I wish I found deeper meaning in life but despite my constant search for it I find none. I think that has been defeating me for quite a long time as well.

I do things I derive joy and excitement out of but they are very limited.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

August Burns Red?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I didn't think today/this month/this year was going to get any worse: nope. I'm wrong. I'm currently crying a lot and feeling kind of suicidal but there's no method at hand so I'm stuck in real life for a long time to come. Very sadly. Don't want to be here.

I don't even want drugs or even to seek them out, it doesn't appeal to me I just want to not be here anymore. I'm sure few people could relate here a lot would just want to relapse in this kind of mindset but I'm just too .... I don't know. Not enough words to process it.

I think when the 2mg of xanax I took kicks in I might feel better. If not I can always take more and throw like 2 or 3 other CNS depressants in so I don't do anything stupid (because it wouldn't take but less than a day to get a 'method' together). This is probably the worst I have felt all year and because it's at the cascading end of a bunch of bad things this is just further traumatizing me to a level I wasn't fully prepared for.

The waves of sadness came seemingly out of nowhere
The goosebumps were clear yet I still dissociated
All around me and I never even thought to think it out
Everything was hinting at this
Life is suffering: there's no meaning in here
You cannot deny it, just pass me a beer
This reminder wasn't vague, oh the lesson so painful
I'm alive and no longer grateful
You'd probably think, as I have too that everything happens for a reason
The grief, the crying, the kiss, them dying, breaking up, cracking up, the meth pipe
Dive head first into the first emergency exit you can find
I'm done now
You stared and stared into my unfocused, blank, dead eyes
Your fear was burning: my indifference to life is here
"Be careful of that mind of yours," I'm told
"It can lead you to do things in moments of grief", no bitch I'm just sick of growing old
Polluting my happiness watching others I love perish and everything I once cared about fade away
Thinking that life matters is an overstatement
There's no larger war going on than gun and missiles
Is it, for you, too close for comfort?
I've found deeper meaning in striking Iran and DPRK.
I have found no meaning and I'm not scared to hell because of it
I know, this will pass, it is just another day
Hope is just another way of saying that you're a coward and too have realized
That there is a way out, but you are too afraid to take it
If there's a reward for leaving the game,
I'll be the first to find out

 

[cj]

What happened captain?


Shits not so good with me either

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I sent you a PM, you can message me back if you want my friend.

If it's any consolation you're my personal hero for doing so much with your life and doing it well bro. Keep up the great work, I'm always here if you want to talk about things.

 

[Jabberwocky]

evening all hope you're feeling a bit better cj and CH.

fuck i'm exhausted and feel like i've been exhausted forever. i don't know how i'm gonna keep going. before i started work i barely ever felt tired since coming into recovery. its getting me down a bit. i wake up before my alarm every day so fucking tired and its just like why?!?!? i don't really wanna use crack or heroin but i'm getting to the point where some ritalin or something is starting to seem like a good idea. even though its bad for work that requires creativity, which mine does.

still feeling fat too. fuckin capitulated yesterday and bought new bras cos they were digging into me and have gone up 2 cup sizes, sorry for the tmi. most girls would be happy about this but it just makes me feel like a whale.

 

[Jabberwocky]

argh and directly after writing the last post i went downstairs to get some cake cos i feel too tired to even warm up my dinner. tiredness makes me crave sugar bad and i have a sweet tooth anyway. its a fuckin vicious cycle.

 

[somnilicious]

argh and directly after writing the last post i went downstairs to get some cake cos i feel too tired to even warm up my dinner. tiredness makes me crave sugar bad and i have a sweet tooth anyway. its a fuckin vicious cycle.

I can so empathize with you Chinup.... I have struggled with body dysmorphia my whole life, except mine is the other way around, as a man I always feel as if I'm too scrawny and effeminate, even though I am very physically fit by most standards. Every time I get sober, self image becomes a focal point of my struggles and it flares up the most when I am tired and not taking the time for self care.

I can't see you but I think you're a beautiful mind and soul. I remember you shared a picture of yourself, when you first got sober and your smile radiated with life. You are that person no matter what you see. Make sure that you take the time to work on yourself and do the things that kept you sober. It's easy to forget when we get caught up in life. I have been there before, when I thought I was doing the things that were meant to make me happy in life, but it turns out that life truly is a spiritual path(what ever that means to you). If you get pulled too far away from inner fulfillment, then that hole that us addicts always feel deep inside will open up like an endless vacuum. You must find that inner connection to life and purpose. I know your career is glamorous but life is meant to be so much more.

I love you Chinup because I know exactly how you feel. I just got back from an NA meeting because I was trying to do it on my own but after 60-70 days I relapsed twice because I was missing that inner fulfillment, purpose and connectedness. Growth is essential in recovery and very often growth hurts, as we are assaulted by our own familiar insecurities. Take care of yourself and work on changing perspective. You are doing great Chinup. Thank you for helping me make it back on the path to recovery. You truly were an inspiration to me and many others struggling on this site.

Keep your Chinup dear and I am here anytime you need me.... Much love from Somniland

You too @Captain.Heroin . You have been here helping others for so long and have struggled so much. I hope you find some purpose and fulfillment in life. Never stop searching and don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone because hope comes when we are willing to step outside ourselves. We realize we are not alone. You are not alone. I love you guys.

I should not be here and I should most certainly not be happy. I think most people on this site see me as a simple minded pollyanna but that is absolutely not the case. I was once a hopeless cynic and my life has been a horrible shit show of death, destruction and solitude but I have found inner peace and perspective. I refuse to give in to the darkness. I carry the light to help show others the way. That may sound pretentious considering my circumstances but I know I have it and to have gone through what I have in life and to come out with my attitude, truly is a miracle and I wish I could give it to everybody.....

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I didn't think today/this month/this year was going to get any worse: nope. I'm wrong. I'm currently crying a lot and feeling kind of suicidal but there's no method at hand so I'm stuck in real life for a long time to come. Very sadly. Don't want to be here.

I don't even want drugs or even to seek them out, it doesn't appeal to me I just want to not be here anymore. I'm sure few people could relate here a lot would just want to relapse in this kind of mindset but I'm just too .... I don't know. Not enough words to process it.

I think when the 2mg of xanax I took kicks in I might feel better. If not I can always take more and throw like 2 or 3 other CNS depressants in so I don't do anything stupid (because it wouldn't take but less than a day to get a 'method' together). This is probably the worst I have felt all year and because it's at the cascading end of a bunch of bad things this is just further traumatizing me to a level I wasn't fully prepared for.

The waves of sadness came seemingly out of nowhere
The goosebumps were clear yet I still dissociated
All around me and I never even thought to think it out
Everything was hinting at this
Life is suffering: there's no meaning in here
You cannot deny it, just pass me a beer
This reminder wasn't vague, oh the lesson so painful
I'm alive and no longer grateful
You'd probably think, as I have too that everything happens for a reason
The grief, the crying, the kiss, them dying, breaking up, cracking up, the meth pipe
Dive head first into the first emergency exit you can find
I'm done now
You stared and stared into my unfocused, blank, dead eyes
Your fear was burning: my indifference to life is here
"Be careful of that mind of yours," I'm told
"It can lead you to do things in moments of grief", no bitch I'm just sick of growing old
Polluting my happiness watching others I love perish and everything I once cared about fade away
Thinking that life matters is an overstatement
There's no larger war going on than gun and missiles
Is it, for you, too close for comfort?
I've found deeper meaning in striking Iran and DPRK.
I have found no meaning and I'm not scared to hell because of it
I know, this will pass, it is just another day
Hope is just another way of saying that you're a coward and too have realized
That there is a way out, but you are too afraid to take it
If there's a reward for leaving the game,
I'll be the first to find out

holy shit I posted this in the recovery thread? wtf? I probably thought I was in Words, sorry guise I get all f'd up sometimes

 

[Captain.Heroin]

evening all hope you're feeling a bit better cj and CH.

When I woke up I was significantly less depressed and not suicidal. So that's a huge move in the right direction I guess. Ambivalent emotions and what not but I'll probably feel happier later on. I just have to keep moving on with life (except I believe in determinism so it's more like the only free will are my thoughts/perceptions I keep to myself )

so my advice to self: STFU and smile more? ugh

still feeling fat too. fuckin capitulated yesterday and bought new bras cos they were digging into me and have gone up 2 cup sizes, sorry for the tmi. most girls would be happy about this but it just makes me feel like a whale.

lol tmi? I think most dudes are going to hear "Going up 2 cup sizes" and they'll be like *POST READING INTENSIFIES*

Don't feel bad about your body size. If I'm not very healthy weight I hate my body too but I realize it's dysmorphic/self hatred based perceptions and more of a projection of mental health than anything else because I am quite happy w/ normal body weight too when I'm not mentally wasting away.

It might be different for everyone but I think you're the best chinup

I have struggled with body dysmorphia my whole life, except mine is the other way around, as a man I always feel as if I'm too scrawny and effeminate

Imagine you had a different body; the brain/feelings will follow. I don't have anything to complain about physically. The perceptions I still have and are largely mental-health based. Insecurity is in your mind not your body.

I had a friend who was 6'3" and weighed about 110lbs at one point (medical disorder led to hospitalization; rare disease, not an eating disorder: they were abusing drugs but opiates and psychedelics, not stimulants). This was about 17 years ago, long time ago. Not sure if they survived. *shrugs*

As a vegan he didn't mind being skin and bones and embraced it and I often embrace emaciation/less of a body as an expression of self-hatred (WHICH IS VERY MENTALLY UNHEALTHY GET HELP don't be like me) but for the most part I only avoid eating all together during severe depression. All other times I love food, eat well etc. I'm around ~150-165 I forget what the scale will say, it goes up and down.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You have been here helping others for so long and have struggled so much. I hope you find some purpose and fulfillment in life. Never stop searching and don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone because hope comes when we are willing to step outside ourselves. We realize we are not alone. You are not alone. I love you guys.

Thanks man. The eternal search for meaning is part of what drives people to despair in philosophical absurdism. I've been struggling with it a long time.

I proposed "refinement" as an alternative configuration/position on absurdism and posted about in Words though I really should have made it less of a wordy-thread and posted it in P&S.

I don't think I'll find meaning but even if I tried lying to myself, to convince myself *there was none* I would keep searching and there's no stopping it. It's related to information/science acquisition compulsion. Part of absurdism is wanting to know/understand/comprehend everything, humans have gotten to the point where they know the smallest to largest aspects of the universe but we cannot KNOW them as they are too small/great to experience first hand. So basically you only have a virtual configuration of reality, others around me babble and quack, and any authentic feelings/thoughts are frowned upon by most other people.

I can't get along with other people well and normally prefer being completely alone 90% of the time.

If pantheism is real then we really are "alone" because there are no "others" as "we are all one" and what not. time/space doesn't expire just because we perceive time as moving forward (otherwise the future couldn't exist because the past wouldn't be able to cause the future/present, etc), so really "I am here forever" is more true than I'll ever care to admit to myself subconsciously. I do believe in eternal recurrence. Whenever I die, tomorrow, 10 years from now, or a brittle decaying old man, I'll still just have the one script to review. It's so long it will seemingly go on without end and boredom will never ensue. Despair will, however, as I desire non-existence more than anything else.

I don't go so far as to say "existence is suffering" as some Buddhist philosophers might but leaving the world behind and not coming back seems to be an existential goal for the most peaceful of people. The more violent/wealth obsessed individuals overvalue the physical (and impermanent) world and are the types to want to live forever or take all their gold/money with them to "heaven" (lol).

Sorry I went on a philosophical rant *again* guys.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

JESUS I just read that whole thing. That was me parodying this popular music thing (I don't normally listen to stuff like this)



Holy shit and I made that rather dark I AM SORRY I probably thought I was posting in words 8(

jfc

 

[somnilicious]

Thanks man. The eternal search for meaning is part of what drives people to despair in philosophical absurdism. I've been struggling with it a long time.

I proposed "refinement" as an alternative configuration/position on absurdism and posted about in Words though I really should have made it less of a wordy-thread and posted it in P&S.

I don't think I'll find meaning but even if I tried lying to myself, to convince myself *there was none* I would keep searching and there's no stopping it. It's related to information/science acquisition compulsion. Part of absurdism is wanting to know/understand/comprehend everything, humans have gotten to the point where they know the smallest to largest aspects of the universe but we cannot KNOW them as they are too small/great to experience first hand. So basically you only have a virtual configuration of reality, others around me babble and quack, and any authentic feelings/thoughts are frowned upon by most other people.

I can't get along with other people well and normally prefer being completely alone 90% of the time.

If pantheism is real then we really are "alone" because there are no "others" as "we are all one" and what not. time/space doesn't expire just because we perceive time as moving forward (otherwise the future couldn't exist because the past wouldn't be able to cause the future/present, etc), so really "I am here forever" is more true than I'll ever care to admit to myself subconsciously. I do believe in eternal recurrence. Whenever I die, tomorrow, 10 years from now, or a brittle decaying old man, I'll still just have the one script to review. It's so long it will seemingly go on without end and boredom will never ensue. Despair will, however, as I desire non-existence more than anything else.

I don't go so far as to say "existence is suffering" as some Buddhist philosophers might but leaving the world behind and not coming back seems to be an existential goal for the most peaceful of people. The more violent/wealth obsessed individuals overvalue the physical (and impermanent) world and are the types to want to live forever or take all their gold/money with them to "heaven" (lol).

Sorry I went on a philosophical rant *again* guys.

WoW!! Deep thoughts... That is some existential food for thought.... Maybe I am a simple minded Pollyanna....lol... I kind of think the meaning is in the persuit itself. The world is full of suffering but the meaning is in transcending the suffering and in doing so we realize the suffering in others. It is this connection that gives me meaning.

My suffering has given me an amazing capacity for empathy and in overcoming my adversity I have gained a gift to be shared with those who are struggling. This gives me purpose.

I've found that a lot of the concepts in the "secret" are true. I draw experiences into my life based on the laws of attraction. I have learned to dismiss negative thoughts and doubts simply because they aren't conducive to my goal of a happy life. Through meditation I have gained greater control over my thought patterns and have realized that a thought can only grow and gain traction if I entertain that thought. We choose which thoughts gain traction. Using CBT I am able to recognize the negative thought patterns that drive my behavior and in recognizing their useless utility I simply laugh and let them pass by.

I recommend "Why Buddhism is True" by Robert Wright... It doesn't get to far into the metaphysical aspects of buddhism. It focuses more on psychological and scientific aspects of Buddhist philosophy.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

There's a lot of Buddhism I can wrap my mind around but I don't really like live it all myself.

Meaning of life - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

some of the better ideas are here, the Greeks knew what they were talking about

in my life I went through, in order, Cyrenaicism, Naturalistic Pantheism, and then Absurdism and have been stuck on Absurdism ever since.

The Myth of Sisyphus - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

this one is a *must read* imo, best philosophy paper I have ever read and I have some criticisms but some of it is "just at" or "right above" with some being "well above" my 1st read through understanding, but I got at least 90% of it for sure it is a great read.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

And as much as I love learning/self-learning, formal education, Legalism is ridiculous. It could that we are only information (i.e. simulated reality/virtual reality; or through dualism, i.e. everything in the real world has a 'script' elsewhere which is running this, wherever our mind is if you aren't a materialist). There's a lot of good scientific reasons to believe in materialism and a lot of good philosophical arguments for dualism. I tend towards the latter, except I think cessation with mental clarity is important. But the MEANING OF LIFE just to know practical information and be as aimless as possible otherwise is MAJOR RIDICULOUSNESS. Only China would come up with Commie bullshit like that.

 

[somnilicious]

When I woke up I was significantly less depressed and not suicidal. So that's a huge move in the right direction I guess. Ambivalent emotions and what not but I'll probably feel happier later on. I just have to keep moving on with life (except I believe in determinism so it's more like the only free will are my thoughts/perceptions I keep to myself )

so my advice to self: STFU and smile more? ugh


lol tmi? I think most dudes are going to hear "Going up 2 cup sizes" and they'll be like *POST READING INTENSIFIES*

Don't feel bad about your body size. If I'm not very healthy weight I hate my body too but I realize it's dysmorphic/self hatred based perceptions and more of a projection of mental health than anything else because I am quite happy w/ normal body weight too when I'm not mentally wasting away.

It might be different for everyone but I think you're the best chinup


Imagine you had a different body; the brain/feelings will follow. I don't have anything to complain about physically. The perceptions I still have and are largely mental-health based. Insecurity is in your mind not your body.

I had a friend who was 6'3" and weighed about 110lbs at one point (medical disorder led to hospitalization; rare disease, not an eating disorder: they were abusing drugs but opiates and psychedelics, not stimulants). This was about 17 years ago, long time ago. Not sure if they survived. *shrugs*

As a vegan he didn't mind being skin and bones and embraced it and I often embrace emaciation/less of a body as an expression of self-hatred (WHICH IS VERY MENTALLY UNHEALTHY GET HELP don't be like me) but for the most part I only avoid eating all together during severe depression. All other times I love food, eat well etc. I'm around ~150-165 I forget what the scale will say, it goes up and down.

I definitely like what you said about imagining a different body. Not only will the brain and feelings follow but so will the body through self actualization. The same is true for everything in life.

I am actually 6'1 and 165 so not bad at all but I m shy around girls I like simply because I am not confident in my current and past life circumstances. With time I will be in a better place.

I will definitely check out those readings when I am on my PC. I will get back to you on this conversation when I am not pecking out my thoughts on my phone...lol.... Goodnight from the East coast. It's 215am...?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I’ll give you an example like you can move to get away from the big east coast powder heroin epicenters but the mental health follows you, ie the reasons why you were using.

So glad I escaped from the east coast. So thankful. Every day.

But I do and still do have to work on my mental health every day. Ptsd is a living nightmare and I imagine others would HARD PASS if they knew what my adult life has been like and had a choice of being reincarnated as me or non-existence. I can’t imagine anyone would really LOVE being me.

But at the same time I know the self hatred is just a part of the disorder and I can still have amazing experiences in life. Even while depressed. Even if I have a lot of suicidal thoughts. I remind myself to take medicine as needed, patience, and always give it 1 more day if it’s that bad.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks so much for your supportive replies guys. glad you're feeling a bit better CH and enjoyed your posts but don't feel awake enough to say anything in response to the philosophy right now.

its comforting to know that i'm not the only one who starts feeling fucked up about their body as soon as the drugs go.

i woke up at 6.20. ffs!! why why why!?!?!? well, partly cos i was hungry. i started feeling hungry as soon as i started trying to sleep last night. cake is not sufficient dinner. reminds me of anorexia. i had to knock myself out every night then cos i'd only ever feel hunger once i started trying to sleep, and your body is pumping you with adrenaline to make you go get food so it actively stops you sleeping. hopefully i'll use this as a lesson to eat proper dinner. i ate a massive bowl of cereal for breakfast to try to avoid snacking at work cos that usually ends up being crap, and now feel too full to move.

i need to try not to think about how tired i am. i've had sleep problems for enough of my life to know that if you let being tired dictate how you feel, you have a bad day.

i don't know how i'm going to get through this week.

i think this is coming up for me now cos i kinda expected to just lose weight when i started work cos i'd get more of an eating routine down, whereas before i was out so much so ate at weird times and ended up buying junk to fill the gap. clearly that's not happened. i can't try to restrict my food cos its like drugs for me, as soon as i start i can't stop.

i keep trying to tell myself that this is a woman's body, but its not making me feel any more comfortable. i'm not fat at all, just 'normal.' and there's theories that anorexia is a subconscious scheme to revert to a child like state, so maybe that's part of why telling myself i'm healthy for a woman in my 30s isn't helping.

i'm thinking of upping my sertraline dose cos i know that boosted my energy levels but not sure i can face the mental weirdness while working. also my therapist would be dead against it as it is essentially using a substance to change the way i feel, not treat a genuine mental illness. but i'll get depressed pretty quick if this doesn't resolve itself soon. i'm gonna speak to her, i know she feels strongly about the issues about gaining weight in recovery cos she says she's seen loads of people relapse due to it.

shit that was a longer post than i thought it would be!